Just a place for your Diving Jokes, stories and antidotes ...

I'm sure there's more then one jolly joker amongst you guys ...

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Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

He recalls ...

Last week I had a bad day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.

It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cold.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.

It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.

It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Funny story, but unfortunately the many aspects of it which are not consistent with reality prove it's not a true story. But surely something like that has happened before somewhere.

Here is the "That's a moray" song.

when you're diving at night, and your feet feel the bite,
that's a moray
when your hand's in the cave, suddenly you'll need saved,
that's a moray
when you blubber and scream, but you have a bad dream
that's amore
when he hits all your fingers, with teeth that are stingers,
a moray...

that's a moray that's a moray

little fella

when he bites on your thumb, takes a chunk of your bum,
that's a moray
when you reach in his cave, he's all bravo and brave
he's a moray

and it's not how it feels, and you know you have eels,
that's a moray....
scuzza me, but you see, let them be, or you'll see
lotsa morays.......

Not a joke but a funny story. One day we all went into the water, leaving only the Thai skipper and deck hand on the boat. When we returned they were agitated and described seeing a big fish swimming around the boat. "How big?" we asked. The skipper stretched out his arms in the classic fishermans gesture. "This big" he said. "OK" we said, "that's quite big, but we've seen bigger".

"No, no" he said, stretching his arms even further and searching for the right word....."this wide!"

He later picked out the whale shark from the fish ID book.

I thought you guys would 'Plumb the Depths' to find the fun stories ...