What are your perceptions of having a Thai GF or wife

FiftyTwo · March 12, 2014

What is wrong with you guys?

The less you talk to your Thai wife, the better your relationship is with her.

All this thought and soul searching, when in reality it is so simple.

As a wise Thai lady once said "You think too mut".

PS

Don't discuss stuff, Thai lady equates discussion with argument.

You tell her what you want, she does it (or not), discussion won't help.

Edited March 12, 2014 by FiftyTwo

chrisinth · March 12, 2014

The Super Girl costume is outstanding.

But I'm sure people have told you that it doesn't suit you..................

With me, I could never get the seams straight..................

transam · March 12, 2014

What is wrong with you guys?

The less you talk to your Thai wife, the better your relationship is with her.

All this thought and soul searching, when in reality it is so simple.

As a wise Thai lady once said "You think too mut".

PS

Don't discuss stuff, Thai lady equates discussion with argument.

You tell her what you want, she does it (or not), discussion won't help.

I will go with that.

kimbathewhitelion · March 12, 2014

Thanks members, actually read every post. Had insomnia again & was feeling a bit down early this morning, thus the post. Been married 6 months now & it's been a roller-coaster ride breaching the balance between values & culture....well my American values as to family & interaction etiquette with others. As of 'culture', well she's been indirectly changing me...time, arguments, upset periods, understanding, compromise.

Sometimes I do just want to bail, but somewhere inside me (and I'm not religious to any degree) will not allow me to break the commitment, nor could I ever cheat. Also considering maybe my anxiety isn't all about the relationship (partial & ongoing, yes) but living in Thailand. Maybe time to switch countries...though also thinking if I were to give Thailand another try (famous last words tend to always lead to disaster), the next & last try would be in a small village/town in Krabi. Already lived in Chiangmai, Issan & now in BK.

On the 'out' side of things, Malaysia looks quite nice with an easy long term visa, excellent infrastructure & food, though a bit more expensive then Thailand; or back to (miserable) America (but not so miserable locations as Laramie, Wyoming or areas in & around the Columbia River Gorge on the Oregon side or Seattle, Wa. - actively looking), which needs more negotiating as the wife doesn't (yet) want such a drastic change that could easily be permanent with just once a year vacation trips to Thailand.

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Question occurs: You aren't the type who runs from things, are you? But it's a rhetorical question. No need to answer here, but you can consider what the answer might be.

Have been with my wife for seven years. I'm 60ish, she's 45. Took her to the states for about three years. She got to meet family, see the countryside, attend an English language school for a couple of years, watch, and actually understand, a good bit of American TV. I also tended to shelter her while there somewhat... To keep her away from any situations that might be abusive. Still, the occasional racist will make him/herself known.

Have been living in LOS a bit more than four years now. I speak Thai a bit, but in an American sort of way, of course. She's pretty good at picking my American way of thinking out of the Thai words and understanding me. More so than other Thais, though I can get by speaking with them, mostly.

I have learned to leave cultural judgment at the door, and for the most part, we do. The American way isn't the only way, nor necessarily even the right way. There is rarely if ever any reason for me to "put my foot down" about anything at all. Just as she knows it's important to see "my side of whatever," so I know it is important to see her side, too.

We do argue sometimes, but almost always, it's about nothing. It's as if we haven't argued for a while, and so need to do so about whatever little thing there is we can find to argue about. Which is to say that really, we don't argue very much at all, and the argument often ends up turning into play. We are not rich, but we have enough. Mostly a country gal, she is generally big on everything family, which is really a pretty good thing. Also pretty big on Buddha the temple happenings. I kinda like the guy, too.

One thing I think may be different for us: having been in different relationships in the past where it has been a problem, and seeing it start to raise its head early on in this relationship, I have refused to play any jealousy games, and have taught her that jealousy is not love, is destructive, and is not required. In fact, we often joke with one another about all her boyfriends and all my girlfriends, none of which exist. Sometimes confuses people at first, but all seem to approve, once they understand. Does she have any boyfriends? Haven't seen any evidence of such at all.

She is my best friend, without doubt, and the relationship I have with her is better than any I've had before, no matter where they were from. There is very, very little work involved in our relationship. Never has been, really. If I'm outside in the afternoon heat building a concrete block wall, she's there with me, either mixing concrete or with a trowel in hand. And I know how to do the dishes often enough, too.

But everyone is different... I know one couple consisting of an older, domineering Scottish madman, and a very jealous younger Thai wife. I'm not quite sure what kind of couple they are, nor how happiness might be defined in their regard. And was reading something somewhere on this site a while back, in which it seemed to me that an American fellow, with (Republican?) American values and sensibility, etc., etc., etc., had come to live in Thailand, and was most insistent that his wife, her family, all the family's friends, and the country in general, adapt to his (Republican?) American values and sensibility, etc., etc., etc. because hey -- he was in the right, you know? I guess his God had told him so. So yeah... Uh-huh... Like any of that's going to happen anytime soon...

Sometimes, it seems pretty clear that just because a relationship of one sort or another could exist, that doesn't mean that it should. I don't think these things should be forced at all. If it isn't working for some of you, well, that should tell you something, I guess.

Anyway, so much for my 2-3 thoughts...

No. Running is not an option. She's 35 & I'm 47.
Initially when she was still a girlfriend (13 months), living together in Issan (5 mos), I told her "I'm done with Thailand", I needed (more for my brain, well brain food & soul) to go back to America and work again (in my field of expertise). I wanted her to come with me (was so done & tired of the dating scene; & especially the never ending games of BS with American women), so we married. After the dust settled she decided she didn't want to leave her country, short vacations aside to the surrounding countries, but ultimately I'm stuck here & thus my anxiety.

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Being stuck or feeling trapped is no place to be especially in a strange country. Add to that a woman not on the same wave length and your problems will compound to the extent you begin to hate the country and hate the people. You're situation is common especially among those living in the sticks with a simple country girl. I hope you haven't gone down the road of those unfortunate souls who've bought the house and become the host for a family of parasites. Take a break on yourself and go find other decent farangs to talk with for the brain food. It's amazing what a few days away can do to relieve the anxiety. I can put up with the simplistic life and the mindboggling way of thinking for a couple of months but then i need a break and i don't even live in the countryside. It works for me but i guess everybodys different. Living in Thailand isn't easy , to be happy you have no choice but to adapt. If you can't , go home while you're still young enough to work. The longer you leave it the harder it will be !!!

Don't live in the sticks, I live Bangkok. Aside from the psychoanalysis, I don't feel trapped, words often imply. My wife doesn't want to live in the US so stuck in Thailand until I can find a compromise country. But yes, already hate Thailand & 90% of Thais (& most tourists), most specifically the Gov., but who likes any government. I love my wife & will respect her wishes always. Never fell in the family well, as I knew of that before marriage, though I don't give, I do have good relations with them. Just buy gifts every so often. Also have anxiety of having to go back to that cesspool Los Angeles in a month.

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SNGLIFE · March 12, 2014

Married 9+ years. Have son 4, and daughter (full-Thai) 12. The huff thing is absolutely innate. Wife and daughter does it and son does not. Wife and daughter have little critical thinking (aka common <deleted>' sense) skills and son has it in spades (like me) even at such a young age.

Still, the wife and I definitely compliment each other. I'm not a people person, but she is great with people. She is not a book-smart person, but I have lots of initials. I could not see living my life without her or how I ever managed before her. Even the arguments are good even when bad. When she goes into her huff, I pick with and annoy her to the extreme as payback. Next day or several hours later, all is forgotten.

Life is great.

Razer64 · March 12, 2014

Obviously, every individual is going to give a different answer to this question.

As for me, the answer is twelve years long and we have both had enough and are calling it quits.

She came to Nevada, USA twelve years ago, looking to improve her economic situation and ended up with another Thai who only treated her badly, punched her and threw her into a wall (once), and tried to control her every move, make her pay all the bills and go to work, while he sat around and drank and watched sports on TV and gambled with his friends, of course.

Then she met me; Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky, Easygoing, Nice Guy. She divorced Mean Ugly <deleted> right away. It was going to happen with or without me. He struck her only the one time I mentioned -- and she was out of there. I admired that. Remember, Ladies, he hits you once, you're a victim. He hits you twice, you're a volunteer. And that's the end of that story. I digress. Anyway, he hit her, she ran away, came to live with me, and that's the way it's been for the last twelve years.

We did all right for each other in all that time, and we always had fun and were friendly. Things changed gradually however as her economic situation became stronger through our persistence and keeping our eyes on the ball. One of the things we did with a lot of our money was send it back to Thailand to put into a business project, run by her sister and brother-in-law. This went on for about three years. The understanding was that she was the boss over everyone, and the four of us were to be the owners and profiteers of the project. After the first three years, I became suspicious and upset with the whole thing. My aggravation was that after three long years of pumping cash (about a grand per month, sometimes A LOT more) into the project, it did not seem to be going anywhere and certainly nothing was coming back from our investment. I demanded we take a vacation immediately and go to see just what sister and brother-in-law were up to out here in "The Land of Smiles".

I saw Thailand for the first time in 2005. It was an OK little country, so thought I. Just a bunch of hacks trying to make it through life as best they can, just like anywhere else I have been in the world, so it seemed to me at that time. The culture was still quite new to me, and so I wasn't aware at that time of all the differences just yet. My wife and her family put on a pretty good show upon my arrival. Everyone was working hard, money was tight, the project looked to be taking shape. No profits yet, of course, but more uphill battle in getting it off the ground. I stuck around here for about a month and then returned with my wife to America to put our noses back to the grindstone in the name of the happy life that we would lead together in our retirement in the "Magic Kingdom".

I was satisfied that something really positive and with a lot of potential was taking shape here. I was right. The only thing I didn't plan on, was how everything, everyone's attitude and demeanor toward me, for example, changed as their position grew stronger and money from America was needed less and less (but always, always, always gladly accepted! Of course!).

I returned to Thailand in 2011 to find quite a different scene than the one I saw back in 2005. No one was workin' hard any more. The vision was made real! Finally! Brother-in-law wasn't busting his ass any longer, and neither was sister. Paid servants did all the work, for the most part, they even made all their meals for them! Brother-in-law now spent all of his mornings sleeping in after drunken afternoons on the golf course, and drunken nights on the driving range. Sister fluttered about the the place like an angry butterfly, very well dressed and bitching up a storm at anyone who dared talk back or did anything she didn't much approve of.

I hung around for about three months and took a long rest and extremely well deserved vacation. I was told, of course, that the economic situation wasn't quite strong enough yet to take care of all four of us, and that more "investment" was needed to make it so. I just smiled and nodded along.

Little did they know what I had in store for them when I got back to America.

When I got back to America, I informed my wife that all monies to Thailand were, from that moment forward, absolutely out of the question. I no longer allowed even one dollar to make way back to this country -- no matter what excuse anyone provided for "needing" it. She wasn't very happy about that. Needless to say, I haven't seen much of her since. She has opted to stay here in Thailand over much of the last three years, "helping the family". I have opted to spend most of my time back in America, demanding cash back from my investment in Thailand, which "the family" has so generously provided, but only barely paying back much of what was invested from America. I am not quite satisfied with the situation and/or the way things have turned out between us. But it is what it is. Everyone's got to fight to be free, and we all do the very best we can. Well, some of us do anyway. I haven't spent any of my time here getting drunk and smacking golf balls around. Rather I have been learning the language, learning our business, and trying to be a good and kind person and to make the most of it.

My "wife" isn't much of a wife to me anymore these days. She is much younger than sister and brother-in-law and is very much preoccupied in making sure they have everything they need to continue their lifestyle. The business comes second for her. And, I, last. She has literally said these things to me. She is always argumentative with me and snarky in her attitude toward me. She asks me questions with a smile on her face and then snaps and tells me to shut up halfway through the answer. She makes fun of me when her friends are around (I understand A LOT more Thai than I will ever let on). She is obviously trying to drive me away from her. I have been here for about two months as of this writing and I have gotten the complete picture: she and her family have everything they want now, all snug and secure (so they assume) and can safely get rid of the baggage, me.

Would someone really, actually waste twelve years of their life leading someone on just to get a few bucks out of them? Answer: of course they would. It all depends on how desperate someone is. And Thailand, to be sure, is a desperate place, full of desperate, self-centered, uncaring, unkind people. Of course, there are good people here. It's just that I happened to have run into some who are not-so-good.

Was I blind for twelve years? No. I don't think so. We really did have something good between us. It was great while it lasted. But we all grow up, and we sometimes grow apart, and yet the old habits, not just the bad ones, but the good ones, too, die hard.

The moral of the story is: don't let <deleted> stop you from being good and kind and generous to others, and keep your money in your pocket and in your control at all times. Don't give her anything that you aren't willing to part with forever. If money and business become an issue that is more important to her than your well being--the party is officially over and it's time to move on.

kimbathewhitelion · March 12, 2014

Obviously, every individual is going to give a different answer to this question.

As for me, the answer is twelve years long and we have both had enough and are calling it quits.

She came to Nevada, USA twelve years ago, looking to improve her economic situation and ended up with another Thai who only treated her badly, punched her and threw her into a wall (once), and tried to control her every move, make her pay all the bills and go to work, while he sat around and drank and watched sports on TV and gambled with his friends, of course.

Then she met me; Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky, Easygoing, Nice Guy. She divorced Mean Ugly right away. It was going to happen with or without me. He struck her only the one time I mentioned -- and she was out of there. I admired that. Remember, Ladies, he hits you once, you're a victim. He hits you twice, you're a volunteer. And that's the end of that story. I digress. Anyway, he hit her, she ran away, came to live with me, and that's the way it's been for the last twelve years.

We did all right for each other in all that time, and we always had fun and were friendly. Things changed gradually however as her economic situation became stronger through our persistence and keeping our eyes on the ball. One of the things we did with a lot of our money was send it back to Thailand to put into a business project, run by her sister and brother-in-law. This went on for about three years. The understanding was that she was the boss over everyone, and the four of us were to be the owners and profiteers of the project. After the first three years, I became suspicious and upset with the whole thing. My aggravation was that after three long years of pumping cash (about a grand per month, sometimes A LOT more) into the project, it did not seem to be going anywhere and certainly nothing was coming back from our investment. I demanded we take a vacation immediately and go to see just what sister and brother-in-law were up to out here in "The Land of Smiles".

I saw Thailand for the first time in 2005. It was an OK little country, so thought I. Just a bunch of hacks trying to make it through life as best they can, just like anywhere else I have been in the world, so it seemed to me at that time. The culture was still quite new to me, and so I wasn't aware at that time of all the differences just yet. My wife and her family put on a pretty good show upon my arrival. Everyone was working hard, money was tight, the project looked to be taking shape. No profits yet, of course, but more uphill battle in getting it off the ground. I stuck around here for about a month and then returned with my wife to America to put our noses back to the grindstone in the name of the happy life that we would lead together in our retirement in the "Magic Kingdom".

I was satisfied that something really positive and with a lot of potential was taking shape here. I was right. The only thing I didn't plan on, was how everything, everyone's attitude and demeanor toward me, for example, changed as their position grew stronger and money from America was needed less and less (but always, always, always gladly accepted! Of course!).

I returned to Thailand in 2011 to find quite a different scene than the one I saw back in 2005. No one was workin' hard any more. The vision was made real! Finally! Brother-in-law wasn't busting his ass any longer, and neither was sister. Paid servants did all the work, for the most part, they even made all their meals for them! Brother-in-law now spent all of his mornings sleeping in after drunken afternoons on the golf course, and drunken nights on the driving range. Sister fluttered about the the place like an angry butterfly, very well dressed and bitching up a storm at anyone who dared talk back or did anything she didn't much approve of.

I hung around for about three months and took a long rest and extremely well deserved vacation. I was told, of course, that the economic situation wasn't quite strong enough yet to take care of all four of us, and that more "investment" was needed to make it so. I just smiled and nodded along.

Little did they know what I had in store for them when I got back to America.

When I got back to America, I informed my wife that all monies to Thailand were, from that moment forward, absolutely out of the question. I no longer allowed even one dollar to make way back to this country -- no matter what excuse anyone provided for "needing" it. She wasn't very happy about that. Needless to say, I haven't seen much of her since. She has opted to stay here in Thailand over much of the last three years, "helping the family". I have opted to spend most of my time back in America, demanding cash back from my investment in Thailand, which "the family" has so generously provided, but only barely paying back much of what was invested from America. I am not quite satisfied with the situation and/or the way things have turned out between us. But it is what it is. Everyone's got to fight to be free, and we all do the very best we can. Well, some of us do anyway. I haven't spent any of my time here getting drunk and smacking golf balls around. Rather I have been learning the language, learning our business, and trying to be a good and kind person and to make the most of it.

My "wife" isn't much of a wife to me anymore these days. She is much younger than sister and brother-in-law and is very much preoccupied in making sure they have everything they need to continue their lifestyle. The business comes second for her. And, I, last. She has literally said these things to me. She is always argumentative with me and snarky in her attitude toward me. She asks me questions with a smile on her face and then snaps and tells me to shut up halfway through the answer. She makes fun of me when her friends are around (I understand A LOT more Thai than I will ever let on). She is obviously trying to drive me away from her. I have been here for about two months as of this writing and I have gotten the complete picture: she and her family have everything they want now, all snug and secure (so they assume) and can safely get rid of the baggage, me.

Would someone really, actually waste twelve years of their life leading someone on just to get a few bucks out of them? Answer: of course they would. It all depends on how desperate someone is. And Thailand, to be sure, is a desperate place, full of desperate, self-centered, uncaring, unkind people. Of course, there are good people here. It's just that I happened to have run into some who are not-so-good.

Was I blind for twelve years? No. I don't think so. We really did have something good between us. It was great while it lasted. But we all grow up, and we sometimes grow apart, and yet the old habits, not just the bad ones, but the good ones, too, die hard.

The moral of the story is: don't let <deleted> stop you from being good and kind and generous to others, and keep your money in your pocket and in your control at all times. Don't give her anything that you aren't willing to part with forever. If money and business become an issue that is more important to her than your well being--the party is officially over and it's time to move on.

You need to read the OP, I'm not in that type of relationship. This isn't the typical Thailand young & old story, nor the Farang supports the entire bloodline (or any family for that matter), it was more the dry & simple. Sorry, skipped your novel past the first paragraph down to the "moral of the story". I married because I care & very much enjoy her personality. A marriage based on heart not appearances. And if that queues another question, I'm talking of myself - So if your novel does have a happy ending, than cheers.

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ppmacready · March 12, 2014

Pom my girlfriend of 3 years and I were frustratingly discussing why she thought 2+2 = 4 and a little bit, where as I thought it only = 4

After 90 mins, tired, I said were wasting our time here.

I'm never going to except your answer, why you think 2+2= 4 and a little bit.

And your never going to be able to understand why the Falang are reaching for Mars!

So do you want to <deleted>?

Pom without any hesitation said yes.

45 mins later in the doggy position.

Pom was looking back over her shoulder and giggled.

''If only you made that suggestion earlier, we wouldn't of wasted all that '' time'' discussing anything!

Next time we disagree on something, just offer to <deleted> me! ''

This girl is growing on me!

recycler · March 13, 2014

Takes work to be in a relationship regardless of the cultural differences. I have had my share of differences with the wife of 6 years mostly to do with the spoiled younger brother. The rest of her family is OK, but Nong is a 29 year old living as though he were 12. Most recently we (wife and I) had a spat about him as he's staying with us for a month between terms at medical school. I was finally able to show her examples of how every time he comes to visit we have a problem, not just with me, but with other foreigner friends too. She thought about it for a while and finally said, Nong does't know how to interact with foreigners. She said she can't talk to him as he has to figure it out for himself but at least she is now seeing it from another perspective and even said she didn't want him to come with us to the states next time we go as she clearly sees he isn't capable of dealing with non-Thais.

I still find my relationship to be far healthier than any I ever had in the states. I mainly attribute that to my growing up and not running away from the person just because of a problem.

Thus my perception of having a Thai wife is that with work, lots of dialogue and compassion, problems can be overcome.

Recent advice I was given by a friend is that if you're getting serious with a Thai lady the first question should be:

Do you have a brother?

If the answer is yes....RUN!!!

Why....?

Because many of them are f...ing lazy and will make every attempt to benefit from the fortunes of other family members.

My friend is counting 5 lost motorcycles only... We stopped after 1 brand new motorcycle was stripped down to the steel frame in a few months.

My brother in law, with working parents and 3 sisters with an income derived from work, is a professional hammock operator! It's normally late afternoon when he takes a brake from his schedule to prepare for nightly activities.... He's experimenting with all kinds of intoxicating substances ranging from glue to alcohol to yaba and supports his lifestyle with getting others involved in this trade.

It's always great to see young people exploiting their talents and doing something with their life! Also great to see that he has so many friends that share his interests.

It's not just with poor upcountry folks, I also see my Thai business partner being drained by lazy and incompetent male family members that apparently need a "job" in the company.

pxlgirl · March 13, 2014

we had our ups and downs in our relationship... The most important thing though is not to share the same interests, but to share the same values. We definitely are a great match in that regard.

Greg Nixon · March 13, 2014

Once I caressed my Thai wife's leg with my foot. I had known the superstitions about the foot but had done this without thinking. I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. My wife tells me that unless you have the air conditioner on in the car or a window open you are likely to die of carbon dioxide poisoning or oxygen deprivation. Boy what a hullabaloo as i was just recovering from a four week flu which included a lot of phlegm in my chest. I told her I had driven over 1 million miles ( true) and that this was a myth but she insisted that in Thailand this was true ( most likely based on a few old trucks in Bangkok leaking CO into the cab ).

HEADSTRONG. SUPERSTITIOUS. My wife wanted a foreign husband because she says Thai men mae de. She says they smoke too much and drink too much and have mia noi . It took me two years but the obvious is this. Who raised the Thai men ? Who are the Thai men married to ?

As in previous editions we are rock stars if we are white. We are more intelligent ( not true but quite often more educated) , have more money and we are whiter ( as if that really means anything today ) . My wife says she wants my babies because they will be movie stars.

The biggest entertainment for a straight laced Thai Buddhist is the hospital visit and there are many of them if you have an extended family. The whole nuclear family goes + mother and father and uncles and aunts and cousins. They sleep on the floor chat with each other and quite often look dour if the problem is somewhat serious. My mother - in - law had teminal cancer for two years and I was unaware of the serious nature because no one told me. The event that trumps the hospital visit is the Funeral. Talk about a production. In North America it is two hours of grief and condolences. In Thailand it can last up to a week. No one is supposed to cry even when a 5 year old daughter lost her father to a dog, a motorbike and a bus. She wailed her eyes out but no one had any empathy for her save myself and my wife.

In Canada about 10 years ago ( before ever envisioning Thailand) I said to my technical college class I was unsure of Buddhist philosophy. one bright young man piped up, " life's a bitch and then you die '. i now understand that statement.

Do not get me wrong , I like Thailand a lot but one should see the world as it is not as one wants it to be.

thailiketoo · March 13, 2014

Once I caressed my Thai wife's leg with my foot. I had known the superstitions about the foot but had done this without thinking. I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. My wife tells me that unless you have the air conditioner on in the car or a window open you are likely to die of carbon dioxide poisoning or oxygen deprivation. Boy what a hullabaloo as i was just recovering from a four week flu which included a lot of phlegm in my chest. I told her I had driven over 1 million miles ( true) and that this was a myth but she insisted that in Thailand this was true ( most likely based on a few old trucks in Bangkok leaking CO into the cab ).

HEADSTRONG. SUPERSTITIOUS. My wife wanted a foreign husband because she says Thai men mae de. She says they smoke too much and drink too much and have mia noi . It took me two years but the obvious is this. Who raised the Thai men ? Who are the Thai men married to ?

As in previous editions we are rock stars if we are white. We are more intelligent ( not true but quite often more educated) , have more money and we are whiter ( as if that really means anything today ) . My wife says she wants my babies because they will be movie stars.

The biggest entertainment for a straight laced Thai Buddhist is the hospital visit and there are many of them if you have an extended family. The whole nuclear family goes + mother and father and uncles and aunts and cousins. They sleep on the floor chat with each other and quite often look dour if the problem is somewhat serious. My mother - in - law had teminal cancer for two years and I was unaware of the serious nature because no one told me. The event that trumps the hospital visit is the Funeral. Talk about a production. In North America it is two hours of grief and condolences. In Thailand it can last up to a week. No one is supposed to cry even when a 5 year old daughter lost her father to a dog, a motorbike and a bus. She wailed her eyes out but no one had any empathy for her save myself and my wife.

In Canada about 10 years ago ( before ever envisioning Thailand) I said to my technical college class I was unsure of Buddhist philosophy. one bright young man piped up, " life's a bitch and then you die '. i now understand that statement.

Do not get me wrong , I like Thailand a lot but one should see the world as it is not as one wants it to be.

Translation: If it's not like Canada it's just not right.

kimbathewhitelion · March 13, 2014

Takes work to be in a relationship regardless of the cultural differences. I have had my share of differences with the wife of 6 years mostly to do with the spoiled younger brother. The rest of her family is OK, but Nong is a 29 year old living as though he were 12. Most recently we (wife and I) had a spat about him as he's staying with us for a month between terms at medical school. I was finally able to show her examples of how every time he comes to visit we have a problem, not just with me, but with other foreigner friends too. She thought about it for a while and finally said, Nong does't know how to interact with foreigners. She said she can't talk to him as he has to figure it out for himself but at least she is now seeing it from another perspective and even said she didn't want him to come with us to the states next time we go as she clearly sees he isn't capable of dealing with non-Thais.

I still find my relationship to be far healthier than any I ever had in the states. I mainly attribute that to my growing up and not running away from the person just because of a problem.

Thus my perception of having a Thai wife is that with work, lots of dialogue and compassion, problems can be overcome.

Recent advice I was given by a friend is that if you're getting serious with a Thai lady the first question should be:

Do you have a brother?

If the answer is yes....RUN!!!

Why....?

Because many of them are f...ing lazy and will make every attempt to benefit from the fortunes of other family members.

My friend is counting 5 lost motorcycles only... We stopped after 1 brand new motorcycle was stripped down to the steel frame in a few months.

My brother in law, with working parents and 3 sisters with an income derived from work, is a professional hammock operator! It's normally late afternoon when he takes a brake from his schedule to prepare for nightly activities.... He's experimenting with all kinds of intoxicating substances ranging from glue to alcohol to yaba and supports his lifestyle with getting others involved in this trade.

It's always great to see young people exploiting their talents and doing something with their life! Also great to see that he has so many friends that share his interests.

It's not just with poor upcountry folks, I also see my Thai business partner being drained by lazy and incompetent male family members that apparently need a "job" in the company.

This is a heart felt "post" not a place to complain, if so start your own.

Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect Thailand

Wordworx · March 13, 2014

Met my now ex-Thai wife on Ko Tao. She was en route from NZ (where she lived) to Italy, stopped off in Chumphon to visit mom, hopped to Ko Tao to get dive certified. She was a cute and happy 25-year-old with a hardbody from working out every day back in NZ. (Had some of the best workout form of any person I knew, in fact. Perfect at lifting, hell of a running stride.) University educated, spoke and wrote fluent English, had traveled Europe, then more or less settled in Auckland. I pretty much fell for her, island romance style.

After about 10 days on the islands we reluctantly went our separate ways, then about two months later she flew back from Europe, me from the US and we met up in BKK. Tried to get her a visitors visa for US, but denied because of the fact she traveled so much and had not resided in Thailand for some years. Even though she was from a good family (mother, anyway) with property and bank accounts, US Consulate shut her (us) down on the spot: "You have no reason to return to Thailand", officer said (probably for the millionth time).

She seemed okay until we got back to the hotel room, then she lost it. Got to me. Said the words: "Ying, I will get you to the US even if I have to marry you."

About five months and some major (major) governmental aggravation later, brought her in on a fiance visa and married her. Started the residency process.

Took me about a month to realize there was no way we would go the distance. Just not enough basis for communication. No matter how westernized she was, was just never going to happen. Gym, mountain biking, running, hiking, skiing, snowboarding, eating... If you can't have an interesting conversation once in a while, it's no-go (for me). Good woman, too. Worked for her own money, went to school, took classes to learn how drive the streets of San Francisco and always honest -- at least until I broke it to her we were going to split.

I stuck it out for three years, then after final immigration interview, she had her green card and I ended it.

After her major tantrum (the first and only), busted up some of my picture frames, shattering the glass all over the floor, a while after, anyway, she knew it was for the best.

In short: That was my last and likely final serious relationship with a Thai woman. Seems like even the smart ones, there is always that cultural curtain...

Edited March 13, 2014 by Wordworx

thailiketoo · March 13, 2014

Met my now ex-Thai wife on Ko Tao. She was en route from NZ (where she lived) to Italy, stopped off in Chumphon to visit mom, hopped to Ko Tao to get dive certified. She was a cute and happy 25-year-old with a hardbody from working out every day back in NZ. (Had some of the best workout form of any person I knew, in fact. Perfect at lifting, hell of a running stride.) University educated, spoke and wrote fluent English, had traveled Europe, then more or less settled in Auckland. I pretty much fell for her, island romance style.

After about 10 days on the islands we reluctantly went our separate ways, then about two months later she flew back from Europe, me from the US and we met up in BKK. Tried to get her a visitors visa for US, but denied because of the fact she traveled so much and had not resided in Thailand for some years. Even though she was from a good family (mother, anyway) with property and bank accounts, US Consulate shut her (us) down on the spot: "You have no reason to return to Thailand", officer said (probably for the millionth time).

She seemed okay until we got back to the hotel room, then she lost it. Got to me. Said the words: "Ying, I will get you to the US even if I have to marry you."

About five months and some major (major) governmental aggravation later, brought her in on a fiance visa and married her. Started the residency process.

Took me about a month to realize there was no way we would go the distance. Just not enough basis for communication. No matter how westernized she was, was just never going to happen. Gym, mountain biking, running, hiking, skiing, snowboarding, eating... If you can't have an interesting conversation once in a while, it's no-go (for me). Good woman, too. Worked for her own money, went to school, took classes to learn how drive the streets of San Francisco and always honest -- at least until I broke it to her we were going to split.

I stuck it out for three years, then after final immigration interview, she had her green card and I ended it.

After her major tantrum (the first and only), busted up some of my picture frames, shattering the glass all over the floor, a while after, anyway, she knew it was for the best.

In short: That was my last and likely final serious relationship with a Thai woman. Seems like even the smart ones, there is always that cultural curtain...

I've been married to women of different nationalities 4 times all worse than what you describe. I have never stereotyped their nationality based on their bad behavior with me. Wake up. It is not Thai women. What you have described is kid stuff compared to a Cuban lady I was fond of and a French lady who ....... and a woman from Texas and another from NYC.

RedQualia · March 13, 2014

Once I caressed my Thai wife's leg with my foot. I had known the superstitions about the foot but had done this without thinking. I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. My wife tells me that unless you have the air conditioner on in the car or a window open you are likely to die of carbon dioxide poisoning or oxygen deprivation. Boy what a hullabaloo as i was just recovering from a four week flu which included a lot of phlegm in my chest. I told her I had driven over 1 million miles ( true) and that this was a myth but she insisted that in Thailand this was true ( most likely based on a few old trucks in Bangkok leaking CO into the cab ).

HEADSTRONG. SUPERSTITIOUS. My wife wanted a foreign husband because she says Thai men mae de. She says they smoke too much and drink too much and have mia noi . It took me two years but the obvious is this. Who raised the Thai men ? Who are the Thai men married to ?

As in previous editions we are rock stars if we are white. We are more intelligent ( not true but quite often more educated) , have more money and we are whiter ( as if that really means anything today ) . My wife says she wants my babies because they will be movie stars.

The biggest entertainment for a straight laced Thai Buddhist is the hospital visit and there are many of them if you have an extended family. The whole nuclear family goes + mother and father and uncles and aunts and cousins. They sleep on the floor chat with each other and quite often look dour if the problem is somewhat serious. My mother - in - law had teminal cancer for two years and I was unaware of the serious nature because no one told me. The event that trumps the hospital visit is the Funeral. Talk about a production. In North America it is two hours of grief and condolences. In Thailand it can last up to a week. No one is supposed to cry even when a 5 year old daughter lost her father to a dog, a motorbike and a bus. She wailed her eyes out but no one had any empathy for her save myself and my wife.

In Canada about 10 years ago ( before ever envisioning Thailand) I said to my technical college class I was unsure of Buddhist philosophy. one bright young man piped up, " life's a bitch and then you die '. i now understand that statement.

Do not get me wrong , I like Thailand a lot but one should see the world as it is not as one wants it to be.

Knew a Thai woman many years ago who got panicky and thought she was gonna die if the car window was rolled up. Remember that she reminded me of a dog somewhat, what with having to have her head stuck out the window all the time. She did change her thinking, by and by.

Re: touching one another's body parts with the foot, and/or touching the head, etc: reactions relating to such will vary from one Thai to the next. They might also vary with regard to who is attempting to have the upper hand in the relationship, I'd think. One who is trying to "be the boss" will typically try to intimidate the other whenever possible, at least until bosshood is firmly established (and possibly long after). My Thai wife has never said boo to me about touching her head, or touching with feet. She's quite as likely to do either as I am.

With regard to funerals, you are at least partially incorrect. In the USA (North America, though not Canada), funerals typically occur three or four days after death. A day or so is required to inject chemicals into the deceased, so that the body is turned to stone, and too, during that time, the funeral home (now typically owned by a large corporation) gets to sell their top of the line coffins to the deceased, as well as entice them with a concrete box in which to place the coffin, so that the body (apparently?) will last indefinitely under the ground. Following body preparation, friends of the deceased and his/her family can visit to pay their respects, with the deceased on display and the "loved ones" of the deceased typically holding vigil for however many days it may be until the funeral (the funeral can be moved around 1-2 days, depending on the needs of the deceased's family members, competing ceremonies at the funeral home, etc.). The actual funeral is relatively short, of course, as you say. A few hours, depending on how much time one wishes to spend at graveside, whether there's any get together after, etc. My experience (and I've had lots) is that Thai funerals (in the country) aren't much different in terms of scheduling and events. There's generally a wake-like thing going on for 2-3 days, at least (but again, the schedule can be flexible depending on whether it's an auspicious day for burning, or not), where an awning is erected in the street, and family and friends get together to remember/honor the deceased. The coffin of the deceased is usually on display, along with a blown up photo of some sort/age (not at all dissimilar from what happens in North America). Lots of flowers. During this time, monks will come to say prayers and chant, just as a minister may often be on hand or pray back in North America. Small amounts of money are also collected to help with the expenses. Men usually separate themselves from the women, and invariably, some pay less attention than others, so there are side activities, which may or may not extend to drinking and possibly a bit of card playing. But the actual funeral isn't all that long: The funeral procession up the road for some distance, with people walking and pulling a cart containing the deceased, rather than a long line of automobiles with headlights on as in North America. Lots of polite things done and said as well as ceremony at the site of the burning. Unlike in North America, it's common for the coffin to be opened at this time for a last viewing, a last blessing, to remove the melted bags of ice, to provide sustenance to the deceased for their journey (coconut juice), and to carefully place extra fuel for the fire in and around the coffin. Timewise, however, it's little different from what's done in North America, in my experience.

You do bring up another detail, however, which can seem a bit odd, and that is what seems to be a "lack of empathy" on the part of Thai people with regard to family members of the deceased. I do not believe it's really a complete lack of empathy... Some will always empathize better than others, of course. Over and above this, however, there is the cultural rule that touching others in public is greatly frowned upon. This often seems deeply engrained, so much so that when the time comes for appropriate touching, they often don't recognize that it's come, or don't know how to do it. The last funeral I attended involved a 53 yo country woman who had had a stroke out in "the village," and then had five more during the three hour mountain road ride in the ambulance, on the way from the village to the hospital in the big city. After some time there, the 28 yo daughter was informed that her mother was pretty much brain dead, but maybe not, and that the docs gave the mother about a 5% chance of recovery. IMO, this verdict sucked big time, as it put the daughter in the position of having to personally decide whether or not to "put her mother down." In the end, the decision was "made easier" (even worse) by the fact that all family members had to work their butts off in the countryside, so that there would be no one at home during the days to take care of either "invalid mom" or "brain dead mom." What a horribly sh!ty position for that young woman to be put in! Buddha would advise that no one has the right to end the life of another, and yet that's what this young Buddhist (by default) woman was going to have to do, and with her own mother no less. Needless to say, there was a great deal of wailing and gnashing of teeth on the part of the daughter. Many people were at least very close to her, and appeared at least sympathetic. I, a 60 yo man, couldn't take it, however. Cultural rules prohibiting touching in public or not, I spent a great deal of time holding this young woman in the hospital through that night, and she spent a great deal of time sobbing into my shoulder. My Thai wife seemed a bit reticent at first, but after a short time realized it was the thing to do, and sat holding her on the other side. Were we doing something wrong with all this touching? Well, folks were certainly looking at us... Because of the touching, or because of the (loud) wailing and gnashing of teeth? I can't say... But by and by, folks seemed to accept it and think it appropriate. And I can say that the young woman, whom I really knew only a bit, was greatly appreciative of my actions, to the point of including me in the goings on in the funeral ceremony. The only white guy around for many, many kilometers. I thought that a matter of tremendous respect/gratitude, on the part of the daughter.

So... What's the point of all this? Not really to argue with you at all, about much of anything. Just to present a few observations that contrast with yours a bit, regarding the differences between Thai and North American culture and practices. And similarities, I guess.

Oh, a final comment, concerning hospital stays. I recall visiting a larger, yet greatly overcrowded government hospital in Chaiyaphum some years ago, filled with poor people in hospital beds everywhere. The wards were overflowing, and there were beds with people in them everywhere along the balconies outside the wards, and even a bed with a beat up young woman in it in the open walkway area in front of the hospital convenience store. In almost all cases, it was family members who were taking care of the patients, and not nurses or nurse's aides. I still remember one young woman giving a bath to an emaciated 30-35 yo man, who was in a bed on a balcony. A bit of a humiliating situation for them, I think, since I and all others walking by got to see whatever he had to see as she washed it all.

I have been in so many hospital rooms since coming to live here, with so many people, and all have generally been life or death situations. And I have been to so, so many funerals, too, since coming to live here. And yes, somehow, it seems -- what? -- "Less sanitary?" Or better, "less antiseptic." Much more personally involving than the typical out of sight, out of mind, "glad he's finally in the ground, what's for dinner?" kind of deaths back in North America. Life in the villages here is hard, fragile, and so, I tend to think sweet. Life might possibly be even more cherished here? Or perhaps would be, if Thai Buddhists didn't have "the next life" to look forward to.

I'm sorry... I talk too much sometimes. But that's all I'm doing here. Trying to communicate my thoughts and experiences, as related to your post. Not trying to argue or pick a fight about anything.

I'll shut up.

Edited March 13, 2014 by RedQualia

elzach · March 13, 2014

Met my now ex-Thai wife on Ko Tao. She was en route from NZ (where she lived) to Italy, stopped off in Chumphon to visit mom, hopped to Ko Tao to get dive certified. She was a cute and happy 25-year-old with a hardbody from working out every day back in NZ. (Had some of the best workout form of any person I knew, in fact. Perfect at lifting, hell of a running stride.) University educated, spoke and wrote fluent English, had traveled Europe, then more or less settled in Auckland. I pretty much fell for her, island romance style.

After about 10 days on the islands we reluctantly went our separate ways, then about two months later she flew back from Europe, me from the US and we met up in BKK. Tried to get her a visitors visa for US, but denied because of the fact she traveled so much and had not resided in Thailand for some years. Even though she was from a good family (mother, anyway) with property and bank accounts, US Consulate shut her (us) down on the spot: "You have no reason to return to Thailand", officer said (probably for the millionth time).

She seemed okay until we got back to the hotel room, then she lost it. Got to me. Said the words: "Ying, I will get you to the US even if I have to marry you."

About five months and some major (major) governmental aggravation later, brought her in on a fiance visa and married her. Started the residency process.

Took me about a month to realize there was no way we would go the distance. Just not enough basis for communication. No matter how westernized she was, was just never going to happen. Gym, mountain biking, running, hiking, skiing, snowboarding, eating... If you can't have an interesting conversation once in a while, it's no-go (for me). Good woman, too. Worked for her own money, went to school, took classes to learn how drive the streets of San Francisco and always honest -- at least until I broke it to her we were going to split.

I stuck it out for three years, then after final immigration interview, she had her green card and I ended it.

After her major tantrum (the first and only), busted up some of my picture frames, shattering the glass all over the floor, a while after, anyway, she knew it was for the best.

In short: That was my last and likely final serious relationship with a Thai woman. Seems like even the smart ones, there is always that cultural curtain...

And what was a 25 y.o Thai cutie doing in New Zealand?

Not assuming anything, just wondering if there was any "due diligence" made.

elzach · March 13, 2014

Once I caressed my Thai wife's leg with my foot. I had known the superstitions about the foot but had done this without thinking. I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. My wife tells me that unless you have the air conditioner on in the car or a window open you are likely to die of carbon dioxide poisoning or oxygen deprivation. Boy what a hullabaloo as i was just recovering from a four week flu which included a lot of phlegm in my chest. I told her I had driven over 1 million miles ( true) and that this was a myth but she insisted that in Thailand this was true ( most likely based on a few old trucks in Bangkok leaking CO into the cab ).

HEADSTRONG. SUPERSTITIOUS. My wife wanted a foreign husband because she says Thai men mae de. She says they smoke too much and drink too much and have mia noi . It took me two years but the obvious is this. Who raised the Thai men ? Who are the Thai men married to ?

As in previous editions we are rock stars if we are white. We are more intelligent ( not true but quite often more educated) , have more money and we are whiter ( as if that really means anything today ) . My wife says she wants my babies because they will be movie stars.

The biggest entertainment for a straight laced Thai Buddhist is the hospital visit and there are many of them if you have an extended family. The whole nuclear family goes + mother and father and uncles and aunts and cousins. They sleep on the floor chat with each other and quite often look dour if the problem is somewhat serious. My mother - in - law had teminal cancer for two years and I was unaware of the serious nature because no one told me. The event that trumps the hospital visit is the Funeral. Talk about a production. In North America it is two hours of grief and condolences. In Thailand it can last up to a week. No one is supposed to cry even when a 5 year old daughter lost her father to a dog, a motorbike and a bus. She wailed her eyes out but no one had any empathy for her save myself and my wife.

In Canada about 10 years ago ( before ever envisioning Thailand) I said to my technical college class I was unsure of Buddhist philosophy. one bright young man piped up, " life's a bitch and then you die '. i now understand that statement.

Do not get me wrong , I like Thailand a lot but one should see the world as it is not as one wants it to be.

"Who raised the Thai men ? Who are the Thai men married to ?"

Oh boy, you raise a good question. This requires its own thread, but suffice to say that Thai men (actually, Asian men) feel "entitled" to having a wife and/or girlfriends.

Wordworx · March 14, 2014

Met my now ex-Thai wife on Ko Tao. She was en route from NZ (where she lived) to Italy, stopped off in Chumphon to visit mom, hopped to Ko Tao to get dive certified. She was a cute and happy 25-year-old with a hardbody from working out every day back in NZ. (Had some of the best workout form of any person I knew, in fact. Perfect at lifting, hell of a running stride.) University educated, spoke and wrote fluent English, had traveled Europe, then more or less settled in Auckland. I pretty much fell for her, island romance style.

After about 10 days on the islands we reluctantly went our separate ways, then about two months later she flew back from Europe, me from the US and we met up in BKK. Tried to get her a visitors visa for US, but denied because of the fact she traveled so much and had not resided in Thailand for some years. Even though she was from a good family (mother, anyway) with property and bank accounts, US Consulate shut her (us) down on the spot: "You have no reason to return to Thailand", officer said (probably for the millionth time).

She seemed okay until we got back to the hotel room, then she lost it. Got to me. Said the words: "Ying, I will get you to the US even if I have to marry you."

About five months and some major (major) governmental aggravation later, brought her in on a fiance visa and married her. Started the residency process.

Took me about a month to realize there was no way we would go the distance. Just not enough basis for communication. No matter how westernized she was, was just never going to happen. Gym, mountain biking, running, hiking, skiing, snowboarding, eating... If you can't have an interesting conversation once in a while, it's no-go (for me). Good woman, too. Worked for her own money, went to school, took classes to learn how drive the streets of San Francisco and always honest -- at least until I broke it to her we were going to split.

I stuck it out for three years, then after final immigration interview, she had her green card and I ended it.

After her major tantrum (the first and only), busted up some of my picture frames, shattering the glass all over the floor, a while after, anyway, she knew it was for the best.

In short: That was my last and likely final serious relationship with a Thai woman. Seems like even the smart ones, there is always that cultural curtain...

And what was a 25 y.o Thai cutie doing in New Zealand?

Not assuming anything, just wondering if there was any "due diligence" made.

Classes in business, English, waited tables at a nice waterfront restaurant (had required visa), was a gym rat, did some translation oddjobs. Latter included translating for a Kiwi dude getting milked by a woman back in Thailand. She finally got grossed out when replying to a letter from the hustler which included the line: "Please send more money, my mother needs a new television." She told the guy she had enough, no more translating, and to wise up. And, yeah, I went to NZ, checked out her scene, had dinner at the restaurant she worked at, met her friends. Thai students, decent Kiwi-types. (It has occurred to me more than a few times that I did not do her any favors, facilitating relocation and US green card.)

zazezo · March 24, 2014

In the home country I had a thai girlfriend. She had few advantages in life, but made the most of what was at hand. Her family paid for her brother to attend uni, but not for her. Her own smarts got her admitted to Chula,

and she supported her ed. by playing guitar in cafes. She made it to farangland, where she continued collecting academic degrees and professional credentials. She also acquired, through torturous effort, absolutely flawless, TOTALLY UNACCENTED, English. She works for a state government agency, where she has a private office. Not a soft gal. Not a effusively warm gal. Too much real life experience for that.

She was not capable of having a dishonest.thought.

She said:

"I do not have, nor do I want, any thai 'friends.' They are the sort of people who ask to borrow money without any intention of paying it back. Their idea of having a good time is getting blind drunk, then climbing behind the wheel of a motor vehicle. I don't need the aggravation."

I acquired a mentor in "los." A 83y.o. retired THAI police captain. His advice was:

"#1. Never trust anyone in Thailand. ANYONE!

#2. Thai people care for nothing but money.

#3 It is VERY RARE to find a Thai person who

can put himself in another persons shoes."

(That is, the question 'SHOULD I rip this person

off' would never enter his mind, because it is

completely contrary to both his nature and

nurture.

#4. You must know a Thai woma for at least SIX YEARS

before you think of marrying her.

Please note that these words are not my own, but those of a Thai of vast professional experience on a personal level.

Sadly I was exposed to his wisdom too late to benefit from it.

I was romantically (from my side, at least) involved with two Thai women. Both uni graduates, both with

professional degrees, both Thai government officers. One was a RN who ran a public education project,

The other was an accountant with the Community Development Office. She also did public education,

oversaw village elections, etc.

It turned out that the RN was not really interested in a relationship at all. She was a "player" who saw a

farang she could get some money from. Fortunately that little lesson was only disappointing and humiliating, and not overly expensive.

To my immense regret I trusted the accountant, and ended up marrying her. I spoke to her (yes, TO her,

for this being Thailand, what we farangs know as "conversation" is virtually impossible) at considerable length about what seemed to be likely points of friction, leaving no room for misunderstanding.

All of this was in vain. She later frankly admitted:

"I lied to get you to marry me."

But that said, she now claims that everything is my fault, and not half, but EVERYTHING belongs to her. This is now wending its way through the court system. The only certainty is that win or lose, at sixty-seven

years of age, I am pretty much buggered.

There are many who say that one should avoid the lowly bar girl, and seek out "the better class" of Thai

woman. Everything I have personally experienced, and the vast majority of what I have heard, has led me to conclude that

the prototype Thai woman, from which all others are derived, was a visually appealing, perfidious, manipulative, venomous, and sociopathic skank. The "better class" is imbued with ALL of these qualities, with added "education," and buffing which increase their "face." This additional camoflage renders them

more perfectly suited for practicing the art of deception.

That is the base, the norm. Anyone who over time proves to be completely lacking in those opposite-of-

admirable qualities, and deserves the appelation "decent human being," is an anomaly, an abberation, a freak of nature.

Thai men say: "Thai woman like tiger!"

Bear in mind that every broken, buggered, and embittered farang who was formerly married to a Thai woman once regarded himself as the luckiest chap on the planet.

Is every last Thai woman a CENSORED CENSORED? Obviously not.

But considering the odds, you would probably have better luck playing russian roulette with a automatic!

Noi657 · March 24, 2014

Been married for 6 years, we have a three year old daughter. Can honestly say were both happy! One thing I think can help is the fact we've been living in the UK for five years. Many Thais get the impression that because you live in the UK etc, you must be rich! Well that was the perception years ago! She now understands the cost of living here,while our wages are much higher, so is everything else. This also reflects on other family members, I have seen so many relationships break up because they think it's they're right to squeeze money out of you, this thankfully has never happened. We are moving back to Thailand within six months, we will be having her Mum live with us, to be honest I'm looking forward to it. I miss the whole family thing!

Skeetjones · March 25, 2014

I had a Thai wife. She was from the village.

Sent from my iPhone using Thaivisa Connect Thailand

ChrisB87 · March 25, 2014

I think it depends on the particular people involved, not so much Thai culture. My GF is very relaxed and easy going. It's a very pleasant relationship overall, but i see many many other relationships that aren't like that. I think it has nothing to do with Thai/non-Thai.

jpeg · March 25, 2014

They make very good servants/housekeepers/nurses and provide sexual services with no complaint on demand. Unlike their Western 'sisters' who are forever banging on about sharing chores, denying access to sex when all YOU want to do is jump on get it over with without the arduous foreplay. I mean hell, doesn't that all get old aftera couple of months?

anon11 · March 25, 2014

The perceptions of a Thai relationship are all in your head what are you worried about if you are comfortable great if not get out....end of perception

Showbags · March 25, 2014

Brother to the states?

Sure hope you weren't footing the tab for that boondoggle. I hope someone else doesn't pipe up with what I'm sure many of us are thinking. . .

But the brother has a lovely bedside manner I am sure...

Scarpolo · March 26, 2014

Takes work to be in a relationship regardless of the cultural differences. I have had my share of differences with the wife of 6 years mostly to do with the spoiled younger brother. The rest of her family is OK, but Nong is a 29 year old living as though he were 12. Most recently we (wife and I) had a spat about him as he's staying with us for a month between terms at medical school. I was finally able to show her examples of how every time he comes to visit we have a problem, not just with me, but with other foreigner friends too. She thought about it for a while and finally said, Nong does't know how to interact with foreigners. She said she can't talk to him as he has to figure it out for himself but at least she is now seeing it from another perspective and even said she didn't want him to come with us to the states next time we go as she clearly sees he isn't capable of dealing with non-Thais.

I still find my relationship to be far healthier than any I ever had in the states. I mainly attribute that to my growing up and not running away from the person just because of a problem.

Thus my perception of having a Thai wife is that with work, lots of dialogue and compassion, problems can be overcome.

Recent advice I was given by a friend is that if you're getting serious with a Thai lady the first question should be:

Do you have a brother?

If the answer is yes....RUN!!!

Thats funny because the first question I asked was,

do you have any sisters?

Scarpolo · March 26, 2014

The thing that us farangs MUST take on board is the very big difference in "thought" between us and Thai folk. It is a big learning curve that I think most of us cannot adapt too (me). I have learned to keep my mouth shut unless is . Doesn't happen often but when it does it usually has something to do with her 25 year old daughter. Must confess that Mrs.Trans is pissed off with her too but the Thai family thing comes to the fore. Lots to take on board, you only find out about this crap over a period of time.

you only find out about this crap over a period of time.

Actually, thanks to TV,

we have an outlet to the future.

for me, I experienced quite a bit of "what to expect" by living with her for 4 months

I learned all I needed too, and we parted "friends"

I am back in the USA now, and so far, it looks bettter than when I left,

starting withm spring is coming, it is a ntural better time of year

Scarpolo · March 26, 2014

Thanks members, actually read every post. Had insomnia again & was feeling a bit down early this morning, thus the post. Been married 6 months now & it's been a roller-coaster ride breaching the balance between values & culture....well my American values as to family & interaction etiquette with others. As of 'culture', well she's been indirectly changing me...time, arguments, upset periods, understanding, compromise.

Sometimes I do just want to bail, but somewhere inside me (and I'm not religious to any degree) will not allow me to break the commitment, nor could I ever cheat. Also considering maybe my anxiety isn't all about the relationship (partial & ongoing, yes) but living in Thailand. Maybe time to switch countries...though also thinking if I were to give Thailand another try (famous last words tend to always lead to disaster), the next & last try would be in a small village/town in Krabi. Already lived in Chiangmai, Issan & now in BK.

On the 'out' side of things, Malaysia looks quite nice with an easy long term visa, excellent infrastructure & food, though a bit more expensive then Thailand; or back to (miserable) America (but not so miserable locations as Laramie, Wyoming or areas in & around the Columbia River Gorge on the Oregon side or Seattle, Wa. - actively looking), which needs more negotiating as the wife doesn't (yet) want such a drastic change that could easily be permanent with just once a year vacation trips to Thailand.

Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect Thailand

Question occurs: You aren't the type who runs from things, are you? But it's a rhetorical question. No need to answer here, but you can consider what the answer might be.

Have been with my wife for seven years. I'm 60ish, she's 45. Took her to the states for about three years. She got to meet family, see the countryside, attend an English language school for a couple of years, watch, and actually understand, a good bit of American TV. I also tended to shelter her while there somewhat... To keep her away from any situations that might be abusive. Still, the occasional racist will make him/herself known.

Have been living in LOS a bit more than four years now. I speak Thai a bit, but in an American sort of way, of course. She's pretty good at picking my American way of thinking out of the Thai words and understanding me. More so than other Thais, though I can get by speaking with them, mostly.

I have learned to leave cultural judgment at the door, and for the most part, we do. The American way isn't the only way, nor necessarily even the right way. There is rarely if ever any reason for me to "put my foot down" about anything at all. Just as she knows it's important to see "my side of whatever," so I know it is important to see her side, too.

We do argue sometimes, but almost always, it's about nothing. It's as if we haven't argued for a while, and so need to do so about whatever little thing there is we can find to argue about. Which is to say that really, we don't argue very much at all, and the argument often ends up turning into play. We are not rich, but we have enough. Mostly a country gal, she is generally big on everything family, which is really a pretty good thing. Also pretty big on Buddha the temple happenings. I kinda like the guy, too.

One thing I think may be different for us: having been in different relationships in the past where it has been a problem, and seeing it start to raise its head early on in this relationship, I have refused to play any jealousy games, and have taught her that jealousy is not love, is destructive, and is not required. In fact, we often joke with one another about all her boyfriends and all my girlfriends, none of which exist. Sometimes confuses people at first, but all seem to approve, once they understand. Does she have any boyfriends? Haven't seen any evidence of such at all.

She is my best friend, without doubt, and the relationship I have with her is better than any I've had before, no matter where they were from. There is very, very little work involved in our relationship. Never has been, really. If I'm outside in the afternoon heat building a concrete block wall, she's there with me, either mixing concrete or with a trowel in hand. And I know how to do the dishes often enough, too.

But everyone is different... I know one couple consisting of an older, domineering Scottish madman, and a very jealous younger Thai wife. I'm not quite sure what kind of couple they are, nor how happiness might be defined in their regard. And was reading something somewhere on this site a while back, in which it seemed to me that an American fellow, with (Republican?) American values and sensibility, etc., etc., etc., had come to live in Thailand, and was most insistent that his wife, her family, all the family's friends, and the country in general, adapt to his (Republican?) American values and sensibility, etc., etc., etc. because hey -- he was in the right, you know? I guess his God had told him so. So yeah... Uh-huh... Like any of that's going to happen anytime soon...

Sometimes, it seems pretty clear that just because a relationship of one sort or another could exist, that doesn't mean that it should. I don't think these things should be forced at all. If it isn't working for some of you, well, that should tell you something, I guess.

Anyway, so much for my 2-3 thoughts...

All this "joking" about boyfriends, and girlfriends, can also be a silent acknowledgement that you will be OK with her, if she does go for the fling.

Not so sure being cavalier with infidelity, is the way to go, unless you havent heard the term,

"as a man thinketh?"

there is also the "we joke about the things we fear most"

and as everyone knows, all that is needed to make fear real,

is to feed it

Scarpolo · March 26, 2014

Thanks members, actually read every post. Had insomnia again & was feeling a bit down early this morning, thus the post. Been married 6 months now & it's been a roller-coaster ride breaching the balance between values & culture....well my American values as to family & interaction etiquette with others. As of 'culture', well she's been indirectly changing me...time, arguments, upset periods, understanding, compromise.

Sometimes I do just want to bail, but somewhere inside me (and I'm not religious to any degree) will not allow me to break the commitment, nor could I ever cheat. Also considering maybe my anxiety isn't all about the relationship (partial & ongoing, yes) but living in Thailand. Maybe time to switch countries...though also thinking if I were to give Thailand another try (famous last words tend to always lead to disaster), the next & last try would be in a small village/town in Krabi. Already lived in Chiangmai, Issan & now in BK.

On the 'out' side of things, Malaysia looks quite nice with an easy long term visa, excellent infrastructure & food, though a bit more expensive then Thailand; or back to (miserable) America (but not so miserable locations as Laramie, Wyoming or areas in & around the Columbia River Gorge on the Oregon side or Seattle, Wa. - actively looking), which needs more negotiating as the wife doesn't (yet) want such a drastic change that could easily be permanent with just once a year vacation trips to Thailand.

Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect Thailand

Question occurs: You aren't the type who runs from things, are you? But it's a rhetorical question. No need to answer here, but you can consider what the answer might be.

Have been with my wife for seven years. I'm 60ish, she's 45. Took her to the states for about three years. She got to meet family, see the countryside, attend an English language school for a couple of years, watch, and actually understand, a good bit of American TV. I also tended to shelter her while there somewhat... To keep her away from any situations that might be abusive. Still, the occasional racist will make him/herself known.

Have been living in LOS a bit more than four years now. I speak Thai a bit, but in an American sort of way, of course. She's pretty good at picking my American way of thinking out of the Thai words and understanding me. More so than other Thais, though I can get by speaking with them, mostly.

I have learned to leave cultural judgment at the door, and for the most part, we do. The American way isn't the only way, nor necessarily even the right way. There is rarely if ever any reason for me to "put my foot down" about anything at all. Just as she knows it's important to see "my side of whatever," so I know it is important to see her side, too.

We do argue sometimes, but almost always, it's about nothing. It's as if we haven't argued for a while, and so need to do so about whatever little thing there is we can find to argue about. Which is to say that really, we don't argue very much at all, and the argument often ends up turning into play. We are not rich, but we have enough. Mostly a country gal, she is generally big on everything family, which is really a pretty good thing. Also pretty big on Buddha the temple happenings. I kinda like the guy, too.

One thing I think may be different for us: having been in different relationships in the past where it has been a problem, and seeing it start to raise its head early on in this relationship, I have refused to play any jealousy games, and have taught her that jealousy is not love, is destructive, and is not required. In fact, we often joke with one another about all her boyfriends and all my girlfriends, none of which exist. Sometimes confuses people at first, but all seem to approve, once they understand. Does she have any boyfriends? Haven't seen any evidence of such at all.

She is my best friend, without doubt, and the relationship I have with her is better than any I've had before, no matter where they were from. There is very, very little work involved in our relationship. Never has been, really. If I'm outside in the afternoon heat building a concrete block wall, she's there with me, either mixing concrete or with a trowel in hand. And I know how to do the dishes often enough, too.

But everyone is different... I know one couple consisting of an older, domineering Scottish madman, and a very jealous younger Thai wife. I'm not quite sure what kind of couple they are, nor how happiness might be defined in their regard. And was reading something somewhere on this site a while back, in which it seemed to me that an American fellow, with (Republican?) American values and sensibility, etc., etc., etc., had come to live in Thailand, and was most insistent that his wife, her family, all the family's friends, and the country in general, adapt to his (Republican?) American values and sensibility, etc., etc., etc. because hey -- he was in the right, you know? I guess his God had told him so. So yeah... Uh-huh... Like any of that's going to happen anytime soon...

Sometimes, it seems pretty clear that just because a relationship of one sort or another could exist, that doesn't mean that it should. I don't think these things should be forced at all. If it isn't working for some of you, well, that should tell you something, I guess.

Anyway, so much for my 2-3 thoughts...

No. Running is not an option. She's 35 & I'm 47.

Initially when she was still a girlfriend (13 months), living together in Issan (5 mos), I told her "I'm done with Thailand", I needed (more for my brain, well brain food & soul) to go back to America and work again (in my field of expertise). I wanted her to come with me (was so done & tired of the dating scene; & especially the never ending games of BS with American women), so we married. After the dust settled she decided she didn't want to leave her country, short vacations aside to the surrounding countries, but ultimately I'm stuck here & thus my anxiety.

Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect Thailand

OP.

you are not stuck,

she is.

I concluded this in my own short relationship,

they are thai, and want it that way.

we can not and should not try to change that

but, if you are american, you will change it.

did she bait and switch you?

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