Life in Thaiville - Offensive driving lessons ala Machiavelli

[The Snark]

It's around 9:30 at night. Red light. In the right lane, I pull up to the intersection and stop at the modified approved distance. That is, roughly, 8 and a half feet beyond where the limit line would be found at an American intersection. You all know the drill: just far enough forwards that when the motorcycles come up to stop in front of you they are in serious danger of getting smushed by the vehicles coming in from the left and making right turns.

A car pulls up to my left and stops. At an angle. Hrrm. One wheel is actually in my lane and if we both take off together the bumper of my little trucker is going to take off some paint and metal of her plasticized beer can. I have a good vantage point. Of view. I'm in a jeep. No, not a vroom vroom toy. An augmented sturdified reenforced helped loose the Vietnam war CJ3, As such I am able to look right into the window of the impending collision next to me. She's texting away. The pad on her lap appears to be dialed in to facebook and one of those slapstick comedies is playing on her dash mounted video player.

I figured I had about about 10 seconds before the light changes. Pull right a bit then crank the wheel (did you know the M38 and CJ3 have exactly the same turning radius as a twin screw White Freightliner?) for all I'm worth to the left, I hang my head out the side so I can stop at least 1/4 inch before the side of my jeep snags the front right of her vehicle.

I look at the lady behind the wheel who has glanced up for a moment to discover there is a vehicle apparently heading for Mars and cutting her off. She frantically turns her wheel to the left. The light turns green. As she tries to avoid me, the A-Hole in the jeep pulls forwards, continuing to cut her off. She stops. I tilt my head to the side and give her a quizzical 20 seconds stare as traffic backs up behind her and starts snaking around both sides of us. Still staring at her I mime playing with a smellphone as I shake my head. The light turns yellow and I slowly pull forwards and get through the intersection leaving her to wait for the next green light. Having 2 tons of US Army steel wrapped around my arse sometimes makes me get a little daring.

A busy 2 lane road with a parking lane at either side. I had planned this for several years so if you want to label it malice aforethought, yer darned tootin'! The road up ahead is flooded. Maybe a foot deep towards the middle of the lake. The driver of the vehicle in front of me must have a deep seated fear of drowning. Clean and spiffy chrome and white Toyota Land Cruiser with all the fancy fixings and frostings stops dead when it's wheels submerge about a 1/2 inch. He slowly pulls towards the left as he signals a right turn.

Now lets try to keep this in order. I'm in vehicle Me. Behind me is vehicle B and behind that is C, D, E, and so on. The Land Cruiser is vehicle T (for turkey.) So far so good? So I see that T is going to attempt to make a U turn. Whoops. Wrong time, wrong place. Should I? What the heck. If a real cop was to show up by some odd chance I'm ready to hop out, hand him the keys, and let him try his hand a jeepnavigation.

T starts his turn. I feel sorry for these new vehicles. They must be terribly hard to steer what with the power steering competing with these new models bulging every which way like a steroidal cement mixer. What the heck. I pull out to pass T, partly cutting him off then stop. Oh my goodness! I'm sorry! I didn't realize you were going to go here! I back up 1 foot. If he had any sense of self preservation he might have realized I was setting him up royally. He backs up a little then tries to continue his U-Turn.

A glance in the rear views and yup. Predictable as a wind up toy. Vehicle D has pulled out to pass as well. I nudge forwards the foot that I backed up. Vehicle B pulls forwards taking the place I occupied behind T, YEAY! Vehicle D is right on my rear bumper and vehicle E is trying to pass him in the parking lane. Better yet, we have vehicles X and Y that have managed to cross the vast sea from the other direction and are now trying to edge past T in the other parking lane. Perfect. We have the ultimate traffic snarl. I just sit there doing my ultimate best to look innocent.

Well, T finally figures out he has passed the point of no return. He un-turns and begins to commit himself to getting his chrome wheels covers wet. Back on track he begins inching his way through the lake. All of a sudden, a rasty gnarly old military type jeep that doesn't seem to mind a few inches of water at all strolls on past him a good 20 kph faster than he is going, throwing up a rooster tail spray of water in all directions.

[kannot]

Last time I mentioned my " not moving out of the way" when on my side of the road for some <deleted> overtaking when it clearly was not a good time and resulted in him tipping over his pick up as he fishtailed down the road missing me by inches I got accused of being a murderer and sent a pm by the member concerned.

I have no time for these fools, play with your own life dont play with mine.

[WitawatWatawit]

"... yes, daddy, a jeep, a CJ3, I think it's called ... driven by a mad American ... yes, license plate number ... yes, daddy, your shooters should be able to find him easily."

[Zeegator]

Seems to me that your driving manners are far worse than those you criticised in such a long-winded way.

[cooked]

Yes we get these weird postings occasionally. It's 'let's teach the Thais to drive' time again. I nearly killed a farang a week ago as he had apparently decided that driving fast over a junction without letting me turn right first was a good idea (motor bike). I had already started to turn.

[BSJ]

I got to the end of the second paragraph and decided no more. Traffic is what it is, get over it or get a plane outa here!

[PiPiFFS]

Lets hope your CJ3 Jeep is also bullet proof as you are very soon going to try to give it the Big I am farang and little Somchai is just going to pull out his nice shiny new Glock and use your Farang butt as target practice. Your driving technique may well have worked back in whatever redneck state you come from but here they just don't go down well.

You remind me of an American biker I saw once at the samui bike week. Pulled up behind a raised pick up on his pride and joy HD which was stopped for whatever reason. Of course this man was farang and farang don't wait. He started beeping his horn and giving it the big one when all of a sudden the pick up reversed into the big mouth Farang knocking him off his bike. The Thai then proceeded to reverse over the HD and then drive back over it giving the rider a cheery ;' OK I go now yes " As he drove off.

I just wish I could have caught it on film

Goods luck. You are probably going to need it

[Pomthai]

My eyes are bleeding after reading that. And, it sounds like your rather in-considerate.

[Kwasaki]

Weird post that.

[sustento]

I see your profile says "Paramedic (EMT II), CPR instructor. Advanced Cardiac Life Support (ACLS) instructor. 30 years in and around emergency services as well as 4 years working in a hospital"

Some of those skills may come in useful in Thailand but possibly not in the way that you think

[pistachios]

Seems like you have all the qualifications to drive a Fortuner.

[The Snark]

Seems like you have all the qualifications to drive a Fortuner.

No, but if someone gave me one I'd enjoy selling it. My apple-ogies for offending so many. I suppose I miss my old 6 wheel artillery support vehicle and the traffic chaos it caused by it's mere existence on the planet.

[Zeegator]

Seems like you have all the qualifications to drive a Fortuner.

No, but if someone gave me one I'd enjoy selling it. My apple-ogies for offending so many. I suppose I miss my old 6 wheel artillery support vehicle and the traffic chaos it caused by it's mere existence on the planet.

"...I miss my old 6 wheel artillery support vehicle and the traffic chaos it caused by it's mere existence on the planet."

Bloody hell, there you go again, can't you give it a rest? We all know what a big man you are now.

[BSJ]

So the Snark is American?

And a T-shirt guy?

Would have one of these then.