Am I too old to have more children and do it all again?

[transam]

 

»I'd be interested to know what has been the experience of others who have faced this situation....what decision did you make and if you did have kids how did it go?«

 

If it can help OP, here is my experience.

 

I met a lovely Thai GF when I was in my early 50’ies. A friend told me that a young lady with no children will normally wish one or some – very true…

 

I was prepared, never been married at home and not having any children – however long lasting de facto relationship – indeed it was about time for me now. The reason for not having children was work and that I could not oversee the surplus in either time or money to raise a child or more. Looking at friends with children I was very happy at that time for not having that burden. Furthermore my homeland GF was not very interested in expanding the family.

 

I was preparing a move to Thailand. I could see the benefit of having a child late here, which was that I was more settled and had that bit of surplus to afford the mother should not work; I could afford an in-house nanny or maid to relief the burden of a having child, so that should not damage our relationship; that there seemed to be a good back-up from Thai family, which was important for my GF the first few years, especially as we were traveling to Europe a couple of times and could “park” the baby with her family.

 

Now our ying luk khrueng (half Thai daughter) is 9 years old. My experience is, that if you wish to have a child in Thailand and do well for the child, you need some financial surplus. Our experience with having nannies or maids is very positive – we have had them more as au pairs or like a member of the family – the present has now been with us more than 5 years. An acceptable good Kindergarten and School will cost some money, as you may not wish to use the public Thai school; a fair English-program school can cost 100,000 and up annually, International Schools a lot more. Of course having a child also require some of dad’s time and some change in life-style, but if you can afford the relief from a non-working mum and some kind of in-house help, being family or maid, to me the burden seems like nothing compared to what I saw back home, where both dad and mum had to work to pay bills and mortgage, and no in-house help.

 

Another point to agree about between dual cultural parents is “upbringing”. There seems to a difference in what a farang think is right and how Thais are doing it; it need to be a fair compromise. OP is having experience from earlier, and that is a benefit for making an early agreement with mum about how to adapt the best from both cultures. I was inexperienced, however had some “idea” of what I thought was the best way to head, which in time caused a few situations where we had to agree upon how we wanted to do it, not what other Thais do or how farangs use to do. If you intend to stay in Thailand and the child’s future will be here, then a lot of Thai behavior and culture is necessary, on the other hand if you intend to move abroad, then too much Thai-thinking may become a burden.

 

I do not regret having a child in Thailand – I am extremely happy – but I will today say the same as I was saying about 10 years ago: A child in Thailand will cost (at least) 5 million bath to bring up – that’s why I cannot afford more than one – and of course also some time and change in life-style. If you don’t have the surplus, don’t do it or think twice…

 

 

Do Thai folk spend 5 mil bringing up each kiddy.......?
 

[carerra]

Five years ago I ran into my wife. Beeing 63 at the time she was 18. Share madness everyone told me, but I could not let her go. She was younger than my 2 daughters from before. To make it short. We stayed together for the next 2 years me coming to Thailand 3 times a year to visit her. We had a hard time to get visa for her to come to my country for one year before we succeeded . We married after 2 years. Almost all of my friends left me as they could not accept what I had done. We had made up our decision and moved to Thailand selling everything in my country and starting all over. Almost the only ones supporting us was my daughters.

3 months ago our son was borne. My daughters are very happy and our friends here in Thailand and my wives family the same. Our life is very changed, yes, but to the better. As retired I have for the first time, time to follow my kid 24 hours a day. See all the small changes that happens every day. My wife also being at home all time is very happy and our relationship is closer and better than ever. As retired I have much more time to my relationship with my wife, more time to take care of myself and my body. All the time I want, to follow my sons grooving up.

Here in Thailand I very seldom feel that someone reacts negative to our age difference . In my country almost everyone reacted negatively exept a very few.  We have also some faring friends here in Thailand.

My story!!!  

I can not say it is a proof for what is right as I think everyone has to make their own decisions . For us this was right and we are very happy. We work hard for that both of us and help each other. Other people must make their own conclusions and they do whatever I think, like or do. 

 

Carerra

[The Deerhunter]

If no-one else has mentioned it, your chances as a male over 45 increase dramatically of having a child with aspergers, autism or other related personality/learning problems. Google it.   Also, as a separate consideration, you have to be sure you are going to be around til 70 or more and/or have the money available too give this child the education you think appropriate to them.    I had a vasectomy at 42 & separated at 45.  At 58 I met a lovely Thai woman of 33 who I wished to marry.  She did not want children, we married & are very happy, now living in Thailand. We are now 66 & 41& live with a 1 yr old great neice as a part-time member of our extended family. I love her but I love her more when she goes home, next door, as does my my 84yo mum-in-law.  Trust me, full time exposure to very small children when you are over 50 is not for everyone.  Go and stay with a family of varying aged small children and ask yourself if this is what you want.  Are you one of those people or not.  PS, attractive 30-somethings who say they don't want kids are out there but choose carefully.  Like green potatoes, they are hard to take back to the shop when they have sprouted!!

Edited August 10, 2014 by The Deerhunter

[wwest5829]

Retired with children (in their 20s) back in the States. Thai wife has two daughters from previous marriage. Topic of children came up. I stated that if she wanted to stay home with a child, we could do that, but I would be traveling. Her eldest daughter had a grandson, my wife is happy with the baby visiting and fully understands the benefit of handing the grandson back to her daughter so we can live our own lives including the traveling.

[wwest5829]

Five years ago I ran into my wife. Beeing 63 at the time she was 18. Share madness everyone told me, but I could not let her go. She was younger than my 2 daughters from before. To make it short. We stayed together for the next 2 years me coming to Thailand 3 times a year to visit her. We had a hard time to get visa for her to come to my country for one year before we succeeded . We married after 2 years. Almost all of my friends left me as they could not accept what I had done. We had made up our decision and moved to Thailand selling everything in my country and starting all over. Almost the only ones supporting us was my daughters.
3 months ago our son was borne. My daughters are very happy and our friends here in Thailand and my wives family the same. Our life is very changed, yes, but to the better. As retired I have for the first time, time to follow my kid 24 hours a day. See all the small changes that happens every day. My wife also being at home all time is very happy and our relationship is closer and better than ever. As retired I have much more time to my relationship with my wife, more time to take care of myself and my body. All the time I want, to follow my sons grooving up.
Here in Thailand I very seldom feel that someone reacts negative to our age difference . In my country almost everyone reacted negatively exept a very few.  We have also some faring friends here in Thailand.
My story!!!  
I can not say it is a proof for what is right as I think everyone has to make their own decisions . For us this was right and we are very happy. We work hard for that both of us and help each other. Other people must make their own conclusions and they do whatever I think, like or do. 
 
Carerra

You show that there is no set in stone rule. Very much depends on the individuals involved. For my money, if you are lucky enough to find a traditionally raised Thai lady who appreciates the stability of having a financially secure farang...well, you will grow younger and certainly live longer than in " farangland".

[AnotherOneAmerican]

I do not regret having a child in Thailand I am extremely happy but I will today say the same as I was saying about 10 years ago: A child in Thailand will cost (at least) 5 million bath to bring up thats why I cannot afford more than one and of course also some time and change in life-style. If you dont have the surplus, dont do it or think twice

 
Do Thai folk spend 5 mil bringing up each kiddy.......?

I can answer that one,
2 year old boy, Milk 360bht/month, nappies 400bht/month, so let's say 1,500bht/month, school soon another 2k/month, total 3k5/month.
15 year old girl, school and pocket money, 3k/month, cloths and stuff another 1k, total 4k5/month.

Monthly costs don't seem that much different. Let's average it out at 4k/month.
Bringing up a child costs me 50k/year. Over 20 years 1Mbht each.
But I'm spending more than a rural Thai, no milk or nappies for their kids and they leave school at 13 (300k each). Edited August 10, 2014 by AnotherOneAmerican

[transam]

 

 

I do not regret having a child in Thailand I am extremely happy but I will today say the same as I was saying about 10 years ago: A child in Thailand will cost (at least) 5 million bath to bring up thats why I cannot afford more than one and of course also some time and change in life-style. If you dont have the surplus, dont do it or think twice

 
Do Thai folk spend 5 mil bringing up each kiddy.......?

 

I can answer that one,
2 year old boy, Milk 360bht/month, nappies 400bht/month, so let's say 1,500bht/month, school soon another 2k/month, total 3k5/month.
15 year old girl, school and pocket money, 3k/month, cloths and stuff another 1k, total 4k5/month.

Monthly costs don't seem that much different. Let's average it out at 4k/month.
Bringing up a child costs me 50k/year. Over 20 years 1Mbht each.
But I'm spending more than a rural Thai, no milk or nappies for their kids and they leave school at 13 (300k each).

 

 

Yep, your last sentence.........
 

[khunPer]

 

 

I do not regret having a child in Thailand I am extremely happy but I will today say the same as I was saying about 10 years ago: A child in Thailand will cost (at least) 5 million bath to bring up thats why I cannot afford more than one and of course also some time and change in life-style. If you dont have the surplus, dont do it or think twice

 
Do Thai folk spend 5 mil bringing up each kiddy.......?

 

I can answer that one,
2 year old boy, Milk 360bht/month, nappies 400bht/month, so let's say 1,500bht/month, school soon another 2k/month, total 3k5/month.
15 year old girl, school and pocket money, 3k/month, cloths and stuff another 1k, total 4k5/month.

Monthly costs don't seem that much different. Let's average it out at 4k/month.
Bringing up a child costs me 50k/year. Over 20 years 1Mbht each.
But I'm spending more than a rural Thai, no milk or nappies for their kids and they leave school at 13 (300k each).

 

Kindergarten or English Program school: average 150k/y (IS would be 400k up)

In-house maid: 120k/y and up

Food, pocket money, spending, fun & vacation: minimum 60k/y, rather in the level of 100k/y.

 

330 x 15 equals around 5 million bath, if IS more likely the double.

 

Count some 20 years, of which the first few do not include school, and the last few may include external boarding for study, but no maid, then the 5 million bath figure is quite valid.

 

And yes, many Thais don’t spend a lot of money of a child, other Thais spent a lot more than many farangs can afford.

 

Some farangs live a kind of rural village life on low budget, other farangs lives in BKK or at a tourist destination and prefer a school considered good after their choice, and that often ends up as an English Program School or International School, of which some can cost in the neighborhood of a million a year.

 

And what if you later wish to support a study, either in BKK or for example abroad…? 

 

Edit: Admit that love means a lot more than money; but being short of money can cause many problems – especially in Thailand – OP is in a situation to consider and plan… 

Edited August 10, 2014 by khunPer

[BradinAsia]

 

 

Why would an old man that already have two children with two different mothers and one stepchild, have more children? Every day here in Thailand I see some proud old farang walking with his baby carriage and 30+ year younger Thai wife. And everyone around them talk and laugh at them. Both Thai and foreigners. When you are 75 your child is a teenager in school.....

 
Lars, you have every right to your opinion, even if it is strange.
 
I don't know where you live, but my experience in Chiang Mai is quite different. My non-Thai Asian
wife is younger than my grown kids. In the Philippines a lot of people looked at us in the manner you
mention, but since we came here we've met only one person who seemed to have a problem with
our age difference -- and he was a farang.
 
To the OP -- I'm 73 and my wife is scheduled to give birth in December. I think it is all put to you and
what will make you and your wife happy. Some older folks cannot tolerate little children. For me, the
little ones are a gift of heaven and I always enjoy them.

You think my opinion is strange.
And you are 73 and your wife is pregnant

 

 

Yes, I think it's strange.

 

Chronological age depends on the person, everyone is not the same.

 

   - My grandpa married his 4th wife at age 64 and they had 6 children.

   

   - My dad broke and trained and rode horses until he was 86.

 

   - My mother lived alone from age 82, did all her own house work (including mowing the lawn) until she was 93.

 

   - I have a friend who ran 30 miles a day for 112 days -- coast-to-coast across the U.S. -- at age 75.

 

When my kid graduates from high school I will be only 86. My parents both lived to 98.

 

 

[Bigfarang1948]

You want some of us to make up your mind for you? Really?  You admitted you like to have a different bar girl every night, even if that is an exaggeration, You have doubts in mind already about the demands of being a daddy at your age and now you want to talk your most recent Terak out of having a baby just to appease you

My advise to your selfish interests is stay single and waste your money and time in the bars where the girls are harpy to see you every night. This post amazes and boggles my mind; signed a happy Papa at age 66

I married a girl 10 years younger and got landed with a grandchild, that we love to bits. Ok up to now but I am now 66 and maybe won't be seeing the results of her education as she is very bright. I have no idea how things will turn out for her but I want her to do at least some schooling in Europe, which complicates things. The girls here just have kids all over the pace, difficult to keep track sometimes, it's a part of life. They are sometimes used as a lever to extract money from their fathers, but that doesn't have to be the case. Up to you, do you want kids or not, do you have the energy and finances to look after them?

 

[Konini]

No relationship is complete without your own children, 

 

I have 2 things I'd like to say about this comment.

 

Firstly, any couple who are unable to have children, and there are millions of them worldwide, would probably be offended by this remark.

 

Secondly, at the age of 17, when I met my husband, I knew that I didn't want to have children.  Ever.  Fortunately he wasn't bothered about them either.  Neither of us have ever regretted not having them and we've been happily married for 30 years;  our relationship is not only complete, but a lot better and much happier than pretty much anyone I know.

 

We're all different.  Most people do want a family, but those of us who choose not to are no less happy and fulfilled, just in a different way.

[Konini]

 

 

 

Awwww.  I might not want children of my own, but I can recognise a couple of cuties when I see them.  What a lovely, lovely photo. You have every right to be very proud.   

[AnotherOneAmerican]

Some farangs live a kind of rural village life on low budget, other farangs lives in BKK or at a tourist destination and prefer a school considered good after their choice, and that often ends up as an English Program School or International School, of which some can cost in the neighborhood of a million a year.
 
And what if you later wish to support a study, either in BKK or for example abroad? 

I'm not farang, I live in a Thai only moobaan near Cm.
It's a middle class area, and my expenses are at the high end of the spending (1M over 20 years).
Most of the other families here are nearer the 300-500k over 15 years. Most Thai kids are thrown out of government high school at age 15, then they have to work.

NOBODY here could afford English program or International school.
I don't think I've ever met any Thai parents with children in INT or English schools.
Seems almost entirely Thai/foreigner families in CM doing that.

PS
In house maid = unemployed single female relative who gets to eat and sleep for free. Edited August 10, 2014 by AnotherOneAmerican

[Neeranam]

I had my last child when I was 42 and at times felt a bit old when playing with her.

50 I wouldn't do it by choice unless I'd never had kids before.

60 now way, unless it was my first ever child.

 

I can't imagine life without kids and advise anyone to have them regardless of age, well maybe 80 is a bit old.

I have 2 good friends who had kids in their 60s and now they're in their late 70s and wouldn't have changed a thing.

[Neeranam]

 

 

I do not regret having a child in Thailand I am extremely happy but I will today say the same as I was saying about 10 years ago: A child in Thailand will cost (at least) 5 million bath to bring up thats why I cannot afford more than one and of course also some time and change in life-style. If you dont have the surplus, dont do it or think twice

 
Do Thai folk spend 5 mil bringing up each kiddy.......?

 

I can answer that one,
2 year old boy, Milk 360bht/month, nappies 400bht/month, so let's say 1,500bht/month, school soon another 2k/month, total 3k5/month.
15 year old girl, school and pocket money, 3k/month, cloths and stuff another 1k, total 4k5/month.

Monthly costs don't seem that much different. Let's average it out at 4k/month.
Bringing up a child costs me 50k/year. Over 20 years 1Mbht each.
But I'm spending more than a rural Thai, no milk or nappies for their kids and they leave school at 13 (300k each).

 

I claimed 600 baht for each of my kids from the 'bpragan sang kom' or social security until they were 6 years old. Came in very handy.

[CaptainQueeeg]

 

"""

The only problem I have is that the girls I go out with are a bit younger than me and most seem to want children, """

 

WHAT does this MEAN?

 

Please be more quantitative about this, if you wish to be a help to others.

[CaptainQueeeg]

 

No relationship is complete without your own children, 

 

I have 2 things I'd like to say about this comment.

 

Firstly, any couple who are unable to have children, and there are millions of them worldwide, would probably be offended by this remark.

 

Secondly, at the age of 17, when I met my husband, I knew that I didn't want to have children.  Ever.  Fortunately he wasn't bothered about them either.  Neither of us have ever regretted not having them and we've been happily married for 30 years;  our relationship is not only complete, but a lot better and much happier than pretty much anyone I know.

 

We're all different.  Most people do want a family, but those of us who choose not to are no less happy and fulfilled, just in a different way.

 

 

I think you are happier because you used logic to decide one of the most important questions in your lives.

 

I think people are not thinking straight, due to the hormones of youth, when they think they want kids.

Then, after they have them, it is just a matter of Cognitive Dissonance which explains why they think they made the correct decision.

[nithisa78]

If you see it as dilemma in any way.Doesn't sound right. Other than that, can't really get enough facts through TV. Best of luck and love.

[khunPer]

 

Some farangs live a kind of rural village life on low budget, other farangs lives in BKK or at a tourist destination and prefer a school considered good after their choice, and that often ends up as an English Program School or International School, of which some can cost in the neighborhood of a million a year.
 
And what if you later wish to support a study, either in BKK or for example abroad? 

I'm not farang, I live in a Thai only moobaan near Cm.
It's a middle class area, and my expenses are at the high end of the spending (1M over 20 years).
Most of the other families here are nearer the 300-500k over 15 years. Most Thai kids are thrown out of government high school at age 15, then they have to work.

NOBODY here could afford English program or International school.
I don't think I've ever met any Thai parents with children in INT or English schools.
Seems almost entirely Thai/foreigner families in CM doing that.

PS
In house maid = unemployed single female relative who gets to eat and sleep for free.

 

Very good point – but OP is farang and asked about how others (presume farangs) in similar situation had any experience to share… 

[bangon04]

If your paternal instincts are giving you problems go anx volunteer at one of the many......too many.....
orphanages that are scattered around the city.

or marry one of the many many women who already have kids abandoned by their Thai father. They need a good father figure / role model, and you have already avoided the screaming / pooping years so you can concentrate on the interesting education bit....

[a99az]

Fathering the kids is not the problem, but the wife..........

[rohlm50212]

As with all life, we are built to reproduce...My inlaws always said I would not have survived had I not had children, loved something more than myself for once my life. What I do find strange is the longivity of human children to depend on parents, 1/3 ++ of the lifespan.....But dont kid yourself, if elderly with children, the child appreciates life same as us and will be fine....For you future worriors....Many young parents do not survive till their offspring are grown...Stll better than shooting blanks for fun or Aborted....lol

[rohlm50212]

Other non inteligent creatures would be considered SICK if they could not reproduce....We inteligent ones pay to be sterile....LOL...Maybe there is enough of that breed....

[utkb]

As with all life, we are built to reproduce...My inlaws always said I would not have survived had I not had children, loved something more than myself for once my life. What I do find strange is the longivity of human children to depend on parents, 1/3 ++ of the lifespan.....But dont kid yourself, if elderly with children, the child appreciates life same as us and will be fine....For you future worriors....Many young parents do not survive till their offspring are grown...Stll better than shooting blanks for fun or Aborted....lol

 

 

At age 50 I became a first time father to a wonderful baby girl, and now two years we're expecting our son early Jan.  

 

Lot's of gross generalizations in this thread to an issue that is NOT one size fits all.  For me, it is a life change for the better that has added substantial quality to my life and I don't regret the decision one bit.  The other path I could have chosen would have been much more self destructive.  My plans are to retire around age 56 and be a full time father.  Kind of reverse from the normal path, but one which I believe will have many positives.

 

To the OP good luck with which ever choice you decide is best for you.

[mickyboy]

pure maddness  your be tied down for the next say 10 to 15 years  she go off sex  sleepless nights she get big and not work and your life will be controlled  take it from  someone who knows just look after someone else kids like her families hand them back when bored and have a good free from problem life just think when your much older and there friends arrive loud music late nights worry about what there up to   on the other hand i supose its someone else to love and think look what i done let alone the expense

[DogNo1]

Waffle: You're right! He's a dog that we had when we lived in Yoyogi 1980-1986. His name was Ken-chan which translates roughly into Mr. Dog. He never barked and was gentle and loving to my daughter. If I didn't spend half the year away in Bangkok, I'd get another Akita now. They're a great breed. Gentle and affectionate but not as sharp and difficult to take care of as a Jack Russel.

[poweratradio]

I married a girl 10 years younger and got landed with a grandchild, that we love to bits. Ok up to now but I am now 66 and maybe won't be seeing the results of her education as she is very bright. I have no idea how things will turn out for her but I want her to do at least some schooling in Europe, which complicates things. The girls here just have kids all over the pace, difficult to keep track sometimes, it's a part of life. They are sometimes used as a lever to extract money from their fathers, but that doesn't have to be the case. Up to you, do you want kids or not, do you have the energy and finances to look after them?

Seems to me that most girls who have kids here in Thailand and the Philippines too; pawn their kids off on their mothers to raise. Some do this so they can work but some also do not want to impede the party or travel.

[poweratradio]

 

 

My wife came into the room a few minutes ago and I showed her a couple of the posts on this thread.  After she rolled her eyes and asked why anyone would think to know better about her/our choices than her/us, we shared another one of those knowing glances.

Many men have a wife that lies to them, and they never know.
I do know that, because I had such a wife.
Is your wife honest and faithful to you?
Only time can tell (not you, and not me).

 

 

 

As far as I'm concerned, you've crossed the line of acceptable forum etiquette with your question about my wife.  Worthy of a banning or suspension I would think.

 

I do not see any line that was crossed here. Perfectly normal question to ask on a public form based on your own use of this form and your own personal exposure. Every man has wondered the same about their woman. Grow a thicker skin or stay out of public forums.

[poweratradio]

OK Wasa ... awesome first post and welcome to the Forum ... 

 

I am not so different from you ... a younger, but ballpark.

 

My choices didn't come down to ... I've found a nice Lady and she wants Children ... do I?

 

My choices were to find the Partner who I wanted to be together with for a long time and then decide if we wanted children.

 

I have and we did.

 

 

Just some facts ... and I'm not asking her age.

 

If your gf is of the age of 35 or younger, there is a good chance that she and you have a reasonable chance of conceiving.

 

Once the general age of 35 is reached, the likelyhood or a non-assisted conception diminishes.

 

Sure, there will be stories of Mothers, in their 40's bearing a child ... but that, medically, is the minority.

 

Source

 

As you can see from the graph above ... the age of 35 is a rough cross-over point.

 

By the age of 35, according to this chart a woman has approximately 6% of her ovarian reserves left.

.

My wife at 29 wants a baby from her egg and my sperm but she does not want to carry it. She wants a surrogate but that seems doomed considering the recent events in the news,

[ukguyinthai]

Mid 50s means 55 +   a 69 year old cannot deal with a stroppy teenager 12 – 18 year old don’t put yourself through it. And understand you are too old .and it’s too late .Stop romanticizing.