We just can't get along

[flyingsaucersarereal]

mate, a bit over the top, if your wife loved you she would be with you. This situation is bullsh*t, why even be married if she is not prepared to live with you. I realize thais take care of their parents but there is a limit to this, if she prefers to be with her father then accept the truth of it and leave, it isnt worth the insult being placed on you, looks like you are just the money supply to them. I would be giving her an alternative, either you are a couple or you are not, sorry but I refuse to be used by anyone seems you dont mind it at all if you live in this situation.

Are there any other family or is it just her and dad, if she is the only one then put him up in an apartment and pay someone to look after him, if she cannot accept that then move on and find someone that wants to be with you without all the bullsh*t.

I hear ya and I appreciate the advice but do I lose my marriage because of this guy moving into my house?

I don't know that's the question I got to figure out.

[Toknarok]

I'm afraid you started to loose your marriage a year ago. You made a perfectly reasonable offer to house this ex gaol bird but your wife wouldn't have it. Grow some cojones, and put your foot down and get him out. If wifey won't agree to that then you know where the land lies. You walk. remember you hold the aces, they are folded in the money pocket of your wallet.

[choochoo]

Most MEN would not stand for such a stupid deal ... There are millions of women in Thailand your age - with no children - no father in law that you will have to take care of ...

1. I think most men who marry THAIs do stand for such insane living conditions..................lol.

2. There may be millions upon millions of women- but i suspect a majority dont want to marry silly farang man..............lol.

[krisb]

You've moved in as the dominant alpha male, and he resents it. He may not have been the best provider in the world before you came along, but he claimed and was given his due as the superior figure in his tiny little world. He is used to female adoration and attention, even though he may not deserve it. You've changed that dynamic. He lives in a rented house that you pay for, and that's a serious chunk of emasculation. I'd be very wary of him if he's as morose and anti-social with you as you suggest - it could be (could be) a sign of intense dislike for you, maybe even pathological dislike. I'd stay away from him, quite frankly.

That's the answer I've been searching for!

My fil is very similar to the op's, I just didn't mention it before.

Brilliantly put Mr Witawata.

The Thai Dad sees you the falang as pure competition as the alpha male. He's disgruntled and likely struggling with the fact he could never provide like the op, or the rest of us do. His way of dealing with the situation is ride the gravy train, keep the daughter close, and ignore the hand that feeds him...which is us essentially. In his mind this keeps him as king of the Thai castle.

So how should us sons in law deal with this burden?... if thats the word?

I use 15 thousand kms distance between us. Seems to do the trick.

[krisb]

Most MEN would not stand for such a stupid deal ... There are millions of women in Thailand your age - with no children - no father in law that you will have to take care of ...

1. I think most men who marry THAIs do stand for such insane living conditions..................lol.

2. There may be millions upon millions of women- but i suspect a majority dont want to marry silly farang man..............lol.

So the guy asks for some advice and you see it as an oppurtunity to take the piss out of him?

Troll.

[FritsSikkink]

When someone treats me like that, after a while I blame it on him and then I don't give a shit what he thinks. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life kissing someone's ass when he wants to be an a hole.

What's up with your wife not living with you? Is he controlling that? What's her position on the living situation? Is she also dissing you or siding with her father? That sounds like the more odd part.

Can you get her, move away some distance, and just have her visit her parents sometimes without you?

Problems with in-laws are common the world over. He may feel like you outshine him with a better education, more money etc., or he may be afraid of losing position of the leader or whatever. All are issues of face.

If my wife wouldn't live with me due to her father, she'd soon be an ex, but I don't know the whole situation.

My wife has a son and they all live near the son's school so she lives there to take care of him and take him to school.

I have tried to live there at the house with him but there is just not enough room and I need peace and quiet because I work a graveyard shift.

Rent or build a house near the school that is big enough. The father in law can stay in the old house. Problem solved.

You need peace and quit but should live with your wife and kid too.

[ATF]

Well all I see from this is that you are envious because you have to work and the old man is living the dream drinking whiskey all day and being waited on hand and foot.

Just try to think that jail isn't a nice place and he's probably very happy inside that he's being well taken care of maybe as a reward for doing his time.

I think you should have more sympathy for him because he's probably just trying to keep out of your way and not interfere.

However you want him to jump up and wai you whenever you enter the house. He's embarrassed and it doesn't seem you like to have a drink with him.

Take him fishing or something or just leave him alone he's just being passively aggressive to you in your interpretation.

Learn to speak Thai.

[Boo]

As mentioned earlier ...

He is acting the way he has for the past 40 years or whatever ....

Now you have come along and expect him to change immediately , because you buy whiskey & food & rent.

He didn't ask you to buy anything ... he didn't ask you to be his son in-law ...

It's the way he is and he won't change just because you came along ....

It's probably not that he resents you ... it's just the way he is & has been .. for a long time.

Snip

Just because he doesn't talk or bow to you should'nt be a concern at all. Just forget about it and get on with life !

THIS.

Why should be fawn over you? What makes you so special? That you married his daughter, that you are a foreigner?

I would just accept that he doesn't find you interesting, possibly doesn't even like you but isn't the one who married you so choses to just ignore you.

As to your wife not leaving him & you living alone...., well that is a bigger problem you have to deal with. My advice would be to rent a bigger house or one with a guest room & move your family into it & FIL into the guest quarters. Make it clear that you need to sleep in the day so the house is off limits. Provide some kind of covered outside space for them to waste the day & stop with the whiskey & food buying or if you enjoy it apart from him, ignore him & have your fun & leave him be to have his quietly in the corner.

I doubt he cares if you have more money, alpha nonsense etc etc, he probably just isn't that into you.

Oh & he doesn't have to wai you, YOU have to wai him, doesn't matter what you think your status in the house is, he is the father, the elder & YOU should show him due respect, he does not have to show it back. It is what it is.

[huawei]

Well all I see from this is that you are envious because you have to work and the old man is living the dream drinking whiskey all day and being waited on hand and foot.

Just try to think that jail isn't a nice place and he's probably very happy inside that he's being well taken care of maybe as a reward for doing his time.

I think you should have more sympathy for him because he's probably just trying to keep out of your way and not interfere.

However you want him to jump up and wai you whenever you enter the house. He's embarrassed and it doesn't seem you like to have a drink with him.

Take him fishing or something or just leave him alone he's just being passively aggressive to you in your interpretation.

Learn to speak Thai.

The FIL is just a lazy b.....d, why can't he stay with another member of the family.. Guess what they don't want him! Nothing to do with alpha this or that ..the rest of the family can't cope or don't want to.. She isn't the only child in all probability.

[Felixthecat]

If this was me, i'd still put out for the buffet though would stop with giving him whisky......maybe he needs to learn the hard way about ''respecting other people & their feelings''

[AlexRRR]

You complained about the inlaw in an other post, seems to me you let things get under your skin to easily, said it then say it again, you need to stop judging people by your own standards.

Blood is thicker than water, learn to live with it and just ignore there is no solution.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

What was he in jail for?

[Thakkar]

There's only two questions you need to ask yourself:

Does your wife love her father more than you?

If so, do you love her more than you hate him?

Answer those and adjust your attitude or actions accordingly.

T

[flyingsaucersarereal]

Well all I see from this is that you are envious because you have to work and the old man is living the dream drinking whiskey all day and being waited on hand and foot.

Just try to think that jail isn't a nice place and he's probably very happy inside that he's being well taken care of maybe as a reward for doing his time.

I think you should have more sympathy for him because he's probably just trying to keep out of your way and not interfere.

However you want him to jump up and wai you whenever you enter the house. He's embarrassed and it doesn't seem you like to have a drink with him.

Take him fishing or something or just leave him alone he's just being passively aggressive to you in your interpretation.

Learn to speak Thai.

I speak Thai already

[flyingsaucersarereal]

As mentioned earlier ...

He is acting the way he has for the past 40 years or whatever ....

Now you have come along and expect him to change immediately , because you buy whiskey & food & rent.

He didn't ask you to buy anything ... he didn't ask you to be his son in-law ...

It's the way he is and he won't change just because you came along ....

It's probably not that he resents you ... it's just the way he is & has been .. for a long time.

Snip

Just because he doesn't talk or bow to you should'nt be a concern at all. Just forget about it and get on with life !

THIS.

Why should be fawn over you? What makes you so special? That you married his daughter, that you are a foreigner?

I would just accept that he doesn't find you interesting, possibly doesn't even like you but isn't the one who married you so choses to just ignore you.

As to your wife not leaving him & you living alone...., well that is a bigger problem you have to deal with. My advice would be to rent a bigger house or one with a guest room & move your family into it & FIL into the guest quarters. Make it clear that you need to sleep in the day so the house is off limits. Provide some kind of covered outside space for them to waste the day & stop with the whiskey & food buying or if you enjoy it apart from him, ignore him & have your fun & leave him be to have his quietly in the corner.

I doubt he cares if you have more money, alpha nonsense etc etc, he probably just isn't that into you.

Oh & he doesn't have to wai you, YOU have to wai him, doesn't matter what you think your status in the house is, he is the father, the elder & YOU should show him due respect, he does not have to show it back. It is what it is.

I never said he had to wai me

[benalibina]

As mentioned earlier ...

He is acting the way he has for the past 40 years or whatever ....

Now you have come along and expect him to change immediately , because you buy whiskey & food & rent.

He didn't ask you to buy anything ... he didn't ask you to be his son in-law ...

It's the way he is and he won't change just because you came along ....

It's probably not that he resents you ... it's just the way he is & has been .. for a long time.

Snip

Just because he doesn't talk or bow to you should'nt be a concern at all. Just forget about it and get on with life !

THIS.

Why should be fawn over you? What makes you so special? That you married his daughter, that you are a foreigner?

I would just accept that he doesn't find you interesting, possibly doesn't even like you but isn't the one who married you so choses to just ignore you.

As to your wife not leaving him & you living alone...., well that is a bigger problem you have to deal with. My advice would be to rent a bigger house or one with a guest room & move your family into it & FIL into the guest quarters. Make it clear that you need to sleep in the day so the house is off limits. Provide some kind of covered outside space for them to waste the day & stop with the whiskey & food buying or if you enjoy it apart from him, ignore him & have your fun & leave him be to have his quietly in the corner.

I doubt he cares if you have more money, alpha nonsense etc etc, he probably just isn't that into you.

Oh & he doesn't have to wai you, YOU have to wai him, doesn't matter what you think your status in the house is, he is the father, the elder & YOU should show him due respect, he does not have to show it back. It is what it is.

Hmmm...reciprocity.....down the toilet i guess then.

[xen]

To understand the situation you should buy or borrow a book called Thailand Fever and it explains a Thai concept called Nam Jai ( water heart ) . It is about respect for your elders , and face . As a westerner it sounds like crap and many Thais manipulate the concept for their own greed and advantage. It also gives many Thais a incredible arrogance at times , especially family members of a family you marry into. It was a big factor in my marriage ending . It sounds like your FIL demands respect from you but you don't understand how to give him the respect that he demands, and personally i would not give him that respect either if he acts that way. He sees it as you should bend to him because he is the elder and that alone, not good deeds or right attitude have any bearing on it.. Your wife and his daughter is caught up in-between these two worlds and the two people she loves and tries to keep the peace between the two of you without anybody loosing face. Difficult situation and it is played out in many Thai/falung marriages everyday. Get a hold of that Book (Asia Books or bookazine will have it) and first understand the situation and then you will know what to do. Maybe, as other posters have said, you will need to walk away but that will have to be your decision .

Best of luck with it.

Edited September 22, 2014 by xen

[shirtless]

If you want respect stop the whisky money, you my friend are being treated as a doormat.Ask yourself would you except these conditions in your home land.

[GAZZPA]

Sorry you're having a tough time of it. I assume apart from this everything is ok with your marriage.

You only have 2 choices, accept it or have it out with him and try and find some common ground. If he is totally unresponsive then the problem becomes your wife because the only option is get out of the apartment and house and move your immediate family only into another place close to your sons school.

Personally I could not accept that in my life forever, lives too short and it can't be good for the kid seeing your FIL as the "male" example in his home.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do,, I suspect you already want to change it or you wouldn't be posting here.

[jacko45k]

He envies you.

Your apparent wealth and popularity highlights his failings to him.

I find your living arrangements a little confusing though, not necessarily related to your father-in-law's attitude, but I would say you should be living with your wife and the child.

There is also a good chance he is an alcoholic, and/or suffering from depression.

Where is his wife?

I am inclined to say don't worry about him and get on with your life.

Edited September 23, 2014 by jacko45k

[rotary]

I would pretend he did not exist

[kinmaew]

if you give people too much, they respect you less, try giving him less

[nanapong]

If you want respect stop the whisky money, you my friend are being treated as a doormat.Ask yourself would you except these conditions in your home land.

Of course he wouldn't but the amount of Western men who allow such crap into their life with Thai families is staggering. To some degree i can understand when it's the old geezers with the much younger sexy variety but the OP is younger than his wife. You're being had for a mug and playing the part very well.

[godden]

Hit the road jack

[1FinickyOne]

Well, getting along with in-laws can be a problem anywhere… and yes, there is often a feeling of entitlement that is not really easy to swallow. I have seen this often. Not that it helps any now, but when meeting a girls family, I usually tell people to check out the amt of drinking.

What to do now, I would just avoid the old guy as much as possible, be happy he chooses to eat alone, and try and not let him encroach on your happiness. Do not try and be his friend. Any time there have been family problems here, mostly my wife finds a quiet way to smooth things out - -

[flyingsaucersarereal]

To understand the situation you should buy or borrow a book called Thailand Fever and it explains a Thai concept called Nam Jai ( water heart ) . It is about respect for your elders , and face . As a westerner it sounds like crap and many Thais manipulate the concept for their own greed and advantage. It also gives many Thais a incredible arrogance at times , especially family members of a family you marry into. It was a big factor in my marriage ending . It sounds like your FIL demands respect from you but you don't understand how to give him the respect that he demands, and personally i would not give him that respect either if he acts that way. He sees it as you should bend to him because he is the elder and that alone, not good deeds or right attitude have any bearing on it.. Your wife and his daughter is caught up in-between these two worlds and the two people she loves and tries to keep the peace between the two of you without anybody loosing face. Difficult situation and it is played out in many Thai/falung marriages everyday. Get a hold of that Book (Asia Books or bookazine will have it) and first understand the situation and then you will know what to do. Maybe, as other posters have said, you will need to walk away but that will have to be your decision .

Best of luck with it.

Thanks I have read Thailand fever a good suggestion for all.

Edited September 23, 2014 by flyingsaucersarereal

[Kabula]

No doubt you did not meet his dreams for his daughter's future.

He does not like you!

Blood is thicker than water as the old saying goes.

He figures if he ignores you, you will go away. Very common problem everywhere on planet earth.

A woman's parents have always been a problem for me in two marriages and one long term relationship.

Two options that I can see.

1. Keep visiting her family and the relationship will end badly

2. Stop visiting with her family and go with the flow and it will last longer

My solution is rent everything and have back up!

[Jimbolai]

You said she lives with her son. Not your son. Cut your losses and run. It is only going to get worse.

[Jimbolai]

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No doubt you did not meet his dreams for his daughter's future.

He does not like you!

Blood is thicker than water as the old saying goes.

He figures if he ignores you, you will go away. Very common problem everywhere on planet earth.

A woman's parents have always been a problem for me in two marriages and one long term relationship.

Two options that I can see.

1. Keep visiting her family and the relationship will end badly

2. Stop visiting with her family and go with the flow and it will last longer

My solution is rent everything and have back up!

Hit the road jack

and don't you come back no more no more. There is life after this fiasco.

[TheKnave]

What's up with your wife not living with you? Is he controlling that? What's her position on the living situation? Is she also dissing you or siding with her father? That sounds like the more odd part.

Sounds like a variation on the 'brother' game.

Is OP SURE it's her father, cos I'm not.

Have you EVER contributed an intelligent post?

OP: too late to do much about it. Now you have to decide if that's the kind of marriage you want, wife living elsewhere, fil a dick. Best cut your losses, and choose more carefully next time, bearing in mind what the other poster said, "Marry the girl, marry the family". Thailand.