Please help me, with my wife's kids.

[DekDaeng]

Next day we don't say anything to her ...she goes to school ...comes home for dinner ....and says she's going out....OK but be home by 10pm...she says OK

NOW when 10 pm comes and NO DAUGHTER I tell my wife lock the doors (again with the inside latch) AND this time I go upstairs and LOCK all the windows and any upstairs access.....And as the night before she comes home at 2am and we go through the same routine except this time the daughter CAN'T get in the house. She rings the doorbell again, call again, rings the doorbell again...and on and on for 15 minutes....'

My wife is crying now and begging me to let her in......I tell her OK BUT ...tell our daughter that in the future if she wants to come home after 10pm ...DON'T BOTHER...if her friends are that important to her she can go live with them ....

Long story short ....she NEVER came home after 10pm again....and is the most thoughtful, loving and caring daughter a father could ask for....

Sometimes a kick in the teeth is a wonderful thing.

[NoshowJones]

Costas, been thinking , have known many farangs over the years with kid baggage, I cannot think of one farang that gets on with the baggage. some may make it look OK but naaaaaaaaaaaah.

Sure folk will come on and say everything is honey with them but from what I have seen that will be a rarity..

Trans, when I met my wife, her kids, a boy 15 and a girl 17 took to me right away, in the eight years we have been together, I can honestly say, they have never given me a problem, not once has their been any upset between us. I have never had any experience with kids having none of my own. I had little respect for my own father and he just could not control me, he laid down every sort of rule, and thought he was a Christian, which he wasn't, he told me I must not go to the cinema (which I did) must not play football on a Sunday (which I did) must be home before midnight at 16 years old (which I often wasn't) yes, I was a rebel and still am. I often over heard him saying to my mum " the boy hates me, he never listens to a word I say".

I was determined that if I had kids myself, I would make sure I treated them fairly, and earn their respect, and that's the way it is today. I have had a very happy family life since I came to live in Thailand.

[Kluckmeister]

Why do all you people here marry women with kids. I have been living here four years already and one of the first things I ask a woman I am interested in is does she have kids. If she answers yes, I inquire as to their sex and ages. If any of her kids are older than two years (and preferably even younger for a boy), I just pass. Relationships with Thai women, indeed the same could be said with any woman, are difficult under the best of circumstances and throwing kids into the mix is making it just that much more difficult. Children, especially boys, find it difficult to share the attentions of a mother who, in most likelihood, is the only parental figure as Thai men are notorious for not taking responsibility for their children. With children under two, you may be able to salvage the situation as they are young enough to accept you as their natural father if you treat them well and truly love them. For those of you who feel you are too old to consider raising children that young, stick to women whose children are all grown up and on their own. The only cautionary tale with grown children is that when and if the come to you for money you have to be strong enough to tell them no as helping out will frequently lead to their dependency on you.

[Tongdee]

Send them to stay on the family farm, old enough now to not be your problem.

Many foreigners have problems with teen males from another father.

Thai guys, just tell the woman to get rid, and they do.

Don't give them money.

PS

They know you are having sex with mom, and they don't like it.

No friendly way out, get rid (of them, or her).

Did I say, don't give them money.

You are right on that one. Do not give them money. You are damned if you don't & damned if you do. Food? absolutely when they respectfully approach your table. Money? hide it or secure it well. They don't respect you when you give it to them, do you think they will respect you more when they steal it from you. Allow them to earn some, AT the GOING RATE.For things you were going to hire out to other people anyway. Payment on completion never sooner....You wont be loved for this anytime real soon. and in another 10 years it is just a maybee.

[hgma]

In all honesty...you both tried the best you can.

My suggestion to you both is L.A.T relationship, which might give them a first glance on what they have done to their mothers happiness.

Maybe even change them around.

Wishing you 2 all the best !

[Thakkar]

Costas,

I feel for you.

Teens are a pain in the ass even under normal circumstances.

To them, you're a stay at home layabout who gets serviced by their mom in every respect. They have no idea how hard you've worked for where you are. No appreciation that their and their mother's lives and circumstances are improved with your support.

Their mom and you HAVE to be on the same page when it comes to dealing with them, so first talk to her and come to some consensus. Forget about gaining their love. Work to gain at least some grudging respect. Pick something you're good at and show them (discreetly, without showing off) how good you are at it. Have your wife praise you privately when she's alone with them. Use occasions such as Mother's Day or her birthday or Christmas, or any darn occasion to work with the boys to bring a smile to her facemake it your common goal to make her happy. Find other common goals to work on, like building or making something or whatever their interests are.

Just some thoughts off the top of my head.

Good luck.

T

[dao16]

Costas ...here is a post I did almost a year ago!

"I know....I know....its Way too early to talk about Christmas. But, for me. the most fabulous thing just happened. The wife and I were away for the weekend. When we came back today my adopted Thai daughter (She's 21 now ...raised her since she was 14)...had bought a small fake Christmas tree with ornaments. Kinda made me go all soft inside at her thoughtful jester.

Have to go back when she was 14.....That's when her mother, this daughter and I started to live together...Well from day one, at 14 years old, she used to stay out EVERY night until 2am -3am. I live in Bangkok and at the time we were living near Su On Puu/ Sathorn. WELL.....I told my wife this has got to stop.....and she agreed but didn't know what to do....I told her No Problem ....let me handle it. So that night at dinner I told her she can go out but be home at 10pm...she said OK....10pm comes and she's nowhere in sight.....Told my wife lock the door (with the inside latch) and lets go to bed....Darned if at 2am the doorbell rings....I tell my wife don't answer it...so she rings and rings ...then she calls my wife on the phone ...I tell my wife don't answer it.....so she doesn't.....after a few minutes the phone stops ringing ....soon thereafter I hear some racket on the aluminum awning ( she climbed up and went through the window to get into her room....Thought to myself ...OK...

Next day we don't say anything to her ...she goes to school ...comes home for dinner ....and says she's going out....OK but be home by 10pm...she says OK

NOW when 10 pm comes and NO DAUGHTER I tell my wife lock the doors (again with the inside latch) AND this time I go upstairs and LOCK all the windows and any upstairs access.....And as the night before she comes home at 2am and we go through the same routine except this time the daughter CAN'T get in the house. She rings the doorbell again, call again, rings the doorbell again...and on and on for 15 minutes....'

My wife is crying now and begging me to let her in......I tell her OK BUT ...tell our daughter that in the future if she wants to come home after 10pm ...DON'T BOTHER...if her friends are that important to her she can go live with them ....

Long story short ....she NEVER came home after 10pm again....and is the most thoughtful, loving and caring daughter a father could ask for....

The Christmas Tree jester is just one of the few thoughtful and kind thing she has done (My wife and daughter are devote Buddhists so Christmas is something not celebrated by them)

Now maybe I'm reading too much into this and she is just hinting not to forget her for Christmas...but I still thought is was nice

Anybody else have great stories to tell about their wife or children....Please do ...would love to hear them"

Please forgive the spelling mistakes but point is ...for me and Thai children...I believe "tough love" works best.

Yes, that was a very good thread....OP, you should go find that thread and read it.

Sorry...I just lost a long-ish post about my stepkids and how things have worked out (computer died in the middle of it). I know a lot of us with stepkids posted on beachproperty's post, though.

To sum up what I posted and lost on this thread:

--Be real with the kids. You are their stepdad and not a friend (although you can be friends to an extent) and also realize that you are not their bio-father and that is fine. Own it.

--Try to strike up real relationships with the kids. Find an "in" with them and don't rely on others to be intermediaries in your relationship with them. Of course, speaking some halfway decent Thai is important for this.

--Explain why you are doing the things you are doing and tell them they have their lives and can make their own choices, but you are trying to help them make cool lives for themselves. I find that most people, kids and teens included, respond positively to having control over their choices. Everything is up to them in the end (which is true, too) but you are giving them insight and advice. Explain that it's up to them to take that advice or not. (Of course, this doesn't mean they can stay in your house and do crazy things like drugs or whatever...obviously).

--Realize that this stuff takes YEARS of work. Something you say now may not click with them for a long, long time. Stay the course and give them time to process things. Reward and remark on things when they do well. I went through hell and back with our stepkids and now things are great and I have unique relationships with both of them (slightly younger than yours are now). But hey, they are teens, so drama is the order of the day, so we still have our ups and downs. Still, compared to what it was like 5-10 years ago....man....my stepdaughter and I actually laugh about how horrible it was (in fact, a lot of times, she doesn't remember acting the way she did...like all the stuff about "stealing mom" you mentioned....same here, but done now).

--Evaluate the situation in their school and change it if possible. I think a lot of how our kids feel about their situation comes from their school mates, who include a few others with foreign stepdads and some kids who are half Thai/half foreign. Some of their friends have moved or lived abroad. Learning English and going abroad is "cool" in their school, so they want to learn and experience new things. That has done a lot of the heavy lifting in my case. Same for the family. I know that the aunts and uncles have spent a lot of time telling the kids that they are lucky to have a stepdad like me to give them the things that they need in life. Much more powerful than hearing it from me.

Anyway, there is so much to this that I could write a book about it. Try to roll with it and don't get too down about it. Maybe one day they will be happy that you were there for them. Maybe they will turn out to not care one bit. All you can do is create a platform that can help them if they can see why they should use it.

Good luck with it all and remember it's an on-going process.

Edited September 27, 2014 by dao16

[swissie]

Costas, (Zorba the Greek) in action and pulling everyone's leg. Costas is trying to do us all a favor. Knowing, that whatever controversial topics arise in this forum will be closed in no time at all Exception: Family matters! And there Costas comes in. Just trying to keep at least the General Forum alive.Some may want to call it "trolling", others "Forum enhancement". or worse :"flogging a dead horse."

------------------------------------------------------------

Besides: Why would anyone invest in offspring of someone elses offspring not having the slightest trace of it's own DNA? While forgetting having left some DNA in Europe, before the "good live" in Thailand began?

Cheers.

[Gecko123]

Hey Costas, buddy,

I went back and looked at your original post.

You were the father since these boys were 2 and 3 years old? That's quite early. I feel like that was a pretty good chance to put your stamp on their development.

I'm interested in hearing what you would have done differently if you could go back in time and have a 'do-over.' Any lessons to be learned here?

[transam]

Costas, been thinking , have known many farangs over the years with kid baggage, I cannot think of one farang that gets on with the baggage. some may make it look OK but naaaaaaaaaaaah.

Sure folk will come on and say everything is honey with them but from what I have seen that will be a rarity..

Trans, when I met my wife, her kids, a boy 15 and a girl 17 took to me right away, in the eight years we have been together, I can honestly say, they have never given me a problem, not once has their been any upset between us. I have never had any experience with kids having none of my own. I had little respect for my own father and he just could not control me, he laid down every sort of rule, and thought he was a Christian, which he wasn't, he told me I must not go to the cinema (which I did) must not play football on a Sunday (which I did) must be home before midnight at 16 years old (which I often wasn't) yes, I was a rebel and still am. I often over heard him saying to my mum " the boy hates me, he never listens to a word I say".

I was determined that if I had kids myself, I would make sure I treated them fairly, and earn their respect, and that's the way it is today. I have had a very happy family life since I came to live in Thailand.

You are lucky mate....

[NoshowJones]

Costas, been thinking , have known many farangs over the years with kid baggage, I cannot think of one farang that gets on with the baggage. some may make it look OK but naaaaaaaaaaaah.

Sure folk will come on and say everything is honey with them but from what I have seen that will be a rarity..

Trans, when I met my wife, her kids, a boy 15 and a girl 17 took to me right away, in the eight years we have been together, I can honestly say, they have never given me a problem, not once has their been any upset between us. I have never had any experience with kids having none of my own. I had little respect for my own father and he just could not control me, he laid down every sort of rule, and thought he was a Christian, which he wasn't, he told me I must not go to the cinema (which I did) must not play football on a Sunday (which I did) must be home before midnight at 16 years old (which I often wasn't) yes, I was a rebel and still am. I often over heard him saying to my mum " the boy hates me, he never listens to a word I say".

I was determined that if I had kids myself, I would make sure I treated them fairly, and earn their respect, and that's the way it is today. I have had a very happy family life since I came to live in Thailand.

You are lucky mate....

I think your right Trans, I have been lucky with my choice of wife and her family.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

Costas, been thinking , have known many farangs over the years with kid baggage, I cannot think of one farang that gets on with the baggage. some may make it look OK but naaaaaaaaaaaah.

Sure folk will come on and say everything is honey with them but from what I have seen that will be a rarity..

I currently have 3 kid baggage, (I haven't slept with any of their mothers) and all is good.

I don't have to put up with their mothers though, just me, the kids, and an occasional gf.

[WhamBam]

Costas, whatever you do might never be the right thing. A case of damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Even with their mother on your side it can take a long time to change the children's attitude and only if they want to change.

Bribery? That seems like a short term fix.

Activities might also be a short term fix.

If they think you have stolen their mother and her affections and that you have sent them away (boarding school) the resentment will be quite deep seated. Add to that you are a foreigner etc etc. I cannot see you being on a winner at all, sadly.

I doubt there is a solution from you and what you do.

Maybe you taking a break away with you wife's agreement and understanding might be a better option.

Sending the kids away to a boot camp or somewhere might well be interpreted by them as further reason for resentment.

Catch 22 situation.

I'd take myself off for a break if I had the means and somewhere to go. Let the kids have their mother to themselves for a time.

Best of luck whatever you do decide.

[Costas2008]

Hey Costas, buddy,

I went back and looked at your original post.

You were the father since these boys were 2 and 3 years old? That's quite early. I feel like that was a pretty good chance to put your stamp on their development.

I'm interested in hearing what you would have done differently if you could go back in time and have a 'do-over.' Any lessons to be learned here?

No, I met them and my wife when they were 8 and 9 years old.

I regret of getting married to a woman with kids..........but I really thought they would be the same as my own kids were.

Obviously, I was wrong.

Too late now, as I love the woman I am with.

[hiller]

Well, if their original issue was they didn't want you stealing their mom away from them, then you shipped them off to a boarding school, yeah... I can kind of see why they don't like you.

Take them camping, take them to a several day Buddhist retreat, take them on a vacation to say Chiang Mai or Phuket or Laos, find out what their interests are and get involved with them, etc.

He already gave their interest. Smoking weed and hitting people on the head. Just normal Thai children expressing their Thainess.

[Gecko123]

Hey Costas, buddy,

I went back and looked at your original post.

You were the father since these boys were 2 and 3 years old? That's quite early. I feel like that was a pretty good chance to put your stamp on their development.

I'm interested in hearing what you would have done differently if you could go back in time and have a 'do-over.' Any lessons to be learned here?

No, I met them and my wife when they were 8 and 9 years old.

Yeah, 8 and 9, that's a whole other ball game. That's a tough age to step into the picture. Feel for you guy.

[dao16]

Costas

As much as we would like to change other people, you will need to take a different approach. And the ages you have given doesn't help either!! At that age, they are just monsters I tell you, complete rebels, immortal, dare to defy anything. But if you succeed, you will definitely get the best dad award seriously, not an easy task.

That aside, I don't know your past approaches to them. But I am guessing, it's always you trying to get close to them. While we are adults, this is usually the path we take. We try to fit in with them, we keep offering them stuff, we invite them for activities and so on, but this only fuels their "teenage rebellious" attitude.

Turn the tables around. They need you.

How you do this is completely up to you. Where are their allowances? Are you the one giving to them? Your wife must comply with you, she can't give them behind your back. It must come from you. How are they travelling to school? Are you driving and sending them off?

Take all these luxuries that a "DAD" provides, and start with nil. If they have never tasted dust, they would never understand the importance of you. They will never appreciate you. While basic necessities should be provided, they can be adjusted. What foods do they like? GONE. Cook their nastiest food they like. Your wife will be an important role in this case, she must be the negotiator. She must tell the kids. "If you don't like it, try go beg "kor" daddy for etc."

How you implement this is completely up to you. Cut all internet? Should you be in the house during this week or will it cause anger? Because you have to deal with it the right way, not to implement anger or conflict, but to let them know, they need you in life. Since kids rely on internet so much these days, there is two outcomes to this. 1) You are opposing them so you cut off the internet, so they hate you even more. 2) Without you, there would be no internet access, because of permission and money. I want you to do the 2) part. And this applies to all, etc. food clothing allowances.

Make them come to you, not the other way around.

Best of luck, it is tough, not an easy battle.

You might even need to make a fake argument with your wife and let her know beforehand with the kids at home. Argument is "The kids hate me, I can't live here, I am leaving for a few days." Once ur gone, wife has to cancel everything (internet,tv,etc. no more allowances for kids, eat lousy food, no cookies). Argument is not shouting type, just calm sad one, but make sure your kids hear it. Wife may need to repeat how much she loves you and needs you in her life. Children will always be connected to their mother, and her words are very important, of her acceptance of you and her need for you in life. Then with guilt, their children with empathy for the mom's "loss", will accept you just because of their mother.

Good luck mate.

As for the Internet thing.....I haven't done this, but am tempted to try! Came across it on this viral media thing on buzz feed: http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/people-who-are-really-nailing-this-parenting-thing#38cbp31

Here is the pick, though (it is number 5 on the list).

A few minutes of work in the AM for you....but sorts out you having internet and them not (until they finish those chores).

[Cypress Hill]

<script type='text/javascript'>window.mod_pagespeed_start = Number(new Date());</script>

Hey Costas, buddy,

I went back and looked at your original post.

You were the father since these boys were 2 and 3 years old? That's quite early. I feel like that was a pretty good chance to put your stamp on their development.

I'm interested in hearing what you would have done differently if you could go back in time and have a 'do-over.' Any lessons to be learned here?

I regret of getting married to a woman with kids..........

Nah to hell with that regret BS, bro.

Sounds like you've got a good woman there and, frankly, you could've ended up with a woman without kids who'd be a major pain in the proverbial.

What's done is done

[Andre0720]

costas the one thing you havent mentioned, how is your wife with them ?

She is heartbroken with them, as she can understand that they are not heading for a bright future.

She is constantly trying to show them the right way, but we no results.

Many times she has been crying and being very confused with them.

But, they are her sons and she loves them with no conditions.

In fact she feels worst than me, torn between her love for her sons and her affection for me.

In a given society, some 10% of people are just bad apples...

This is one of the reasons why adoption is risky...because the genetics are unknown...

In Thailand, I just wonder if that 10% figure used by those specialists in the field are underestimated...

All of those fathers that just disappear after being a genitor cannot just be good apples....

Might very well be nothing that you can do... or their mother for that matter...

[Toknarok]

You're dealing with TEENAGERS!!! I doubt that there's one family in the World that doesn't have problems with their teen offspring. Teens are confused despite the fact they think they know it all. Totesterone and hormones are rushing around in their bloodstreaming confusing things. Just wait a couple of years until they reach 18 and young adulthood, I'll bet the change will be enormous. If it's not THEN you have a big problem.

[seajae]

mate, as a father and step father I know what you are going through but it is something both you and their mother need to agree on before you act. It took me 3 years before my step daughter actually started to like me, she thought I was stealing her mum from her as she had slept with her mother since she was born(husband did a runner when he found out she was pregnant), she was allowed to do as she pleased and her mother was virtually her slave. It all changed with me, she had to sleep in her own room, had to do as she was told, no longer got everything she demanded but she eventually accepted it. She would grunt at me rather than talk, if I kissed her mother or held her hand, cuddles her etc the daughter would actually hit me until I told her if she did it again I would hit her back and that I loved her mother and would always show my affection for her. It took a lot of talking and explaining but she started to realize that I did treat her mother very good and loved them both. We started doing things as a family and that was what started her seeing me differently, we would go away on long weekends etc, I taught her to fish and she loved it, now wants to go all the time. The big break came when she asked me to go to her school for fathers day, she was actually proud to finally have a father to attend her school as it had always been her mum, put tears in my eyes when she knelt in front of me and read a poem she had written for me. These days we are father and daughter, we still have a few disagreements but not serious stuff and its forgotten very quickly.

Costas, you need to set limits and rules that they have to obey, both you and mum need to sit down with them and explain these rules to them, you also need to stress you want all of you to be a family. Trying to lay low isnt the answer, mum has to be strong and not let them do as they please, if the both of you are unable to get them to do what you want then you seriously have to look at removing them from the house, sounds hard but they need to have some discipline instilled in them. Its like the old saying, my way or the highway, in this case the two of them in the sticks(country) with family. You dont buy their affection nor suck up to them to get it, they have to realize you are there for the long haul and that you love their mother and want all of them to be a family also that you are not trying to take her away from them. They what they do now because no one has given them limits, time to change this, they need limits or tell them to get a job and support themselves, no ifs, buts or maybes about it.

[SGD]

I guess it's the luck of the draw . Although my wife got my address from a neighbour and wrote to me in the first instance , I had important criteria .

My wife's two children were both adult , I didn't want and younger children . I was welcomed by both children and am loved as a father although the real

father lives nearby . The son left his wife and job in Bangkok to come home and go to college . I had already renovated my wife's house and told her she

was not to have her son living at home sponging off the money I gave her . He went to live with his grandfather , until caught copulating with a girl , so

then went to her house . Currently we have grandchildren sleeping with us , one week of two , while mother works nights , there father is taking a long

holiday behind bars . Nobody thinks it necessary to toilet train the children and it seem I alone buy diappers , because I won't have foam mattresses on

the floor soiled .

I have an Australian friend whose wife has two teenage children , he won't have them in the house , so they live with grandparents .

Most Thai wives priority is MONEY , so when push comes to shove , wives will suddenly remember money . I think you need to take a firm stand with your

wife , I'm quite often told to go back to my country , I go at once to pack all my things , but inside a half hour my wife is saying sorry and how much she loves me and please don't go .

Why threaten if you are unwilling to go through with it ? Just leave and drop them.

[SGD]

In my extended Thai family there is a useless son. Father long since gone and drunk to death, allowed by mother to do what he likes, never had a job, a real job that is, followed red shirts to Bangkok for whisky and a couple of hundred a day, etc. His mother has a westerner but he has simply abused the care given.

I don't give him the time of day and told the little sh*t when he was about 18 that it would be far better for all if he got run over by a bus and never, repeat never to come begging at my door.

He would take or rob anything he could and will never amount to much. He is hoping to fleece his mother when her elder western husband dies.

[dao16]

mate, as a father and step father I know what you are going through but it is something both you and their mother need to agree on before you act. It took me 3 years before my step daughter actually started to like me, she thought I was stealing her mum from her as she had slept with her mother since she was born(husband did a runner when he found out she was pregnant), she was allowed to do as she pleased and her mother was virtually her slave. It all changed with me, she had to sleep in her own room, had to do as she was told, no longer got everything she demanded but she eventually accepted it. She would grunt at me rather than talk, if I kissed her mother or held her hand, cuddles her etc the daughter would actually hit me until I told her if she did it again I would hit her back and that I loved her mother and would always show my affection for her. It took a lot of talking and explaining but she started to realize that I did treat her mother very good and loved them both. We started doing things as a family and that was what started her seeing me differently, we would go away on long weekends etc, I taught her to fish and she loved it, now wants to go all the time. The big break came when she asked me to go to her school for fathers day, she was actually proud to finally have a father to attend her school as it had always been her mum, put tears in my eyes when she knelt in front of me and read a poem she had written for me. These days we are father and daughter, we still have a few disagreements but not serious stuff and its forgotten very quickly.

Costas, you need to set limits and rules that they have to obey, both you and mum need to sit down with them and explain these rules to them, you also need to stress you want all of you to be a family. Trying to lay low isnt the answer, mum has to be strong and not let them do as they please, if the both of you are unable to get them to do what you want then you seriously have to look at removing them from the house, sounds hard but they need to have some discipline instilled in them. Its like the old saying, my way or the highway, in this case the two of them in the sticks(country) with family. You dont buy their affection nor suck up to them to get it, they have to realize you are there for the long haul and that you love their mother and want all of them to be a family also that you are not trying to take her away from them. They what they do now because no one has given them limits, time to change this, they need limits or tell them to get a job and support themselves, no ifs, buts or maybes about it.

Great post. Very similar to my experience. Same things with even touching my wife in front of my stepdaughter! Now all that is fine. I can also now see that she is actually looking at how we interact and it will influence what she expects out of a relationship of her own later in life.

Have also had those moments when they are super happy to see you--my stepdaughter performing at a traditional Thai dance and my stepson running track and playing football. Nothing was said, but they were beaming when they saw me.

It's one of those things--99% of the time, nobody is saying "you're doing a good job as a dad" or anything of the sort. You only get those moments that pay off here and there, but they make it worth it.

So, I wouldn't recommend it to most foreigners coming here, but I wouldn't dissuade someone either. If you can stick it out, you will make relationships with these kids that will really fill your life in a special way. It just takes a lot of work.And my work isn't done yet!

[BadBouy]

Keep trying, do not give up!

[geronimo]

Keep trying, do not give up!

+1 There's enough success stories int his thread to show it can be done.

[Frank James]

A lot of you guys are taking the approach we would normally adopt in the West...let's have a sit-down and have a frank exchange of views, get it all out on the table, thrash it out. That does not work here. You are from another planet. You might get to the point where you can get somewhere, communicating with your wife that way, but with the kids? UNLIKELY.

My wife has two kids, a 22 year old daughter who works as a sous chef in a good resort in Phuket. She takes care of herself, is always learning more about her trade, and sends her mom money without having been asked. She speaks good English, and has some college, that she paid for herself. I love her to bits. She's a gem.

The son...different story. Now 18, he quit school at 15, just walked away, after gaining a reap as "the worst boy in our school." (Quote from last teacher.) For a while he was messing with yaba, but seems to be drug-free now. We think he picks up little odd jobs here and there. his dad has tried to teach him about diesel mechanics, but it isn't working. He is totally unprepared for life. last week he confessed to his mother (laughing as he did so) that he was a sperm donor a couple of years ago. Some girl actually let him "into", and now there's a little 14 month old boy, living with the girl and her family, expecting and getting nothing from our hairball.

It's family, and we rate a distant second to the worst family member, no matter who says what to the contrary. We (I) pay for a cheap room for him several miles from our home. he comes around every other day or so to check his facebook on mom's computer. I give him a couple hundred baht and he goes away. We have no beef with each other,, but I have zero expectation for him. We discussed sending him to a tech school, but I think he is barely literate, and completely unmotivated. I know it would be money wasted, and he would just f' it off.

He's facing a zero future, unless he becomes a cop, soldier, or monk.

We've discussed this stuff endlessly on here. Costas, you are not alone, and I'm sure you know that. I have no advice for you, except don't let the little s--ts grind you down. You are SPARTA!

Frank J

[MobileContent]

Hey Costas, buddy,

I went back and looked at your original post.

You were the father since these boys were 2 and 3 years old? That's quite early. I feel like that was a pretty good chance to put your stamp on their development.

I'm interested in hearing what you would have done differently if you could go back in time and have a 'do-over.' Any lessons to be learned here?

No, I met them and my wife when they were 8 and 9 years old.

I regret of getting married to a woman with kids..........but I really thought they would be the same as my own kids were.

Obviously, I was wrong.

Too late now, as I love the woman I am with.

Costa - It is not to late. Trust me I have been their. I had 5 Malay step-kids from my previous marriage with the Singaporean wife. I know how it feels to be rejected. Can you imagine how much it cost to send three step kids to an Internationmal school in Bangkok. I have worked 7 days a week, 16 hours a day.

I just wish I would not have it go on for 19 years and I just just stopped it after 5 years.

I met my wife from Singapore when I was 22 years old and raised some parasite kids for 19 years. When I had leukemia at the age of 41 years all they worried including my Mrs was what happened to them but they never cared about me. My wife has been a great person to me at the time but she always gave in to the kids so when I came out of the hospital I shipped her back to Singapore, bought her a HDB flat and showed her and the 5 kids a middle finger.

I started after a few months dating Thai ladies from the Internet but once they showed me they have a kid, I too showed them a middle finger. I don't want a parasite on my back for the next 5-15 years. Once bitten, enough.

This time I am in the driver seat. My Lassie has no kids except an 11 year old brother that I send to a private Christian school. If he only beeps in the wrong way I tell him go back to his school Banok and become a nobody.

My father and mother in laws support me 100% on this and they know if it is not my way it is the Middle finger again.

Costa regarding your step-kids: Set the rules or kick them off - When I finished with my Singapore ex she kept calling and telling me she wants to dump her kids for me but I said sorry, to late.

You need to set some rules. Your step kids are old at around 15 and 17 years so we can't really push them into our thinking.

Good luck

[ggt]

Find a summer camp for boys...one hopefully not run by a Mafia family...

These boys exemplify Thainess at its best...

My former gf's son...after giving him a playstation game console and a few games...would leave the upstairs where there was two bathrooms...and come down to the toilet that was used primarily by me...and piss on the toilet seat to show his disdain for the foreigner buggering his mom...

Never said anything to her about it...she would have taken up for him anyway...that is the way most moms are...about their children...

[Kudel]

Maybe the problem is you,would be nice to know the kids side of the story.