Pressure From Girlfriend's Mother To Buy Gold Jewellery

[Trevor]

I have been in a happy relationship with a 22-year-old Lao lass, who is a Thai resident, for the past two months. Problem is her mother has been making requests for Baht 40,000 worth of gold on her daughter's behalf, "According to our local culture". Although the girlfriend lives on her own, she seems more afraid of the mother (there's no father) than losing me if I refuse. She has never been involved in the nightlife industry. The mother spends time on both sides of the border.

I have offered a moderate gift of gold in keeping with my means and our relationship but it seems they want all or nothing, even though the price of gold is sky-high. In several Thai relationships I have never encountered such heavy financial pressure within such a short time-frame.

What is the best way of dealing with the mother, who is basically a dim-witted peasant, and convincing her daughter there is more to our current happiness than fretting over gold chains?

[Chang_paarp]

"In our culture, the lady buys the gifts for the man, when do I get a new car? I like red car."

"no it is not like the movies. Here watch this movie from India. See how the parents of the bride buy all the presents for the groom's family to take the daughter." "I like Westinghouse."

[Sir Burr]

It's greed. Refuse, stick to your guns and let the chips fall where they may.

Plenty more fish in the sea.

[Lacoste]

Why should you buy gold for her?

Tell her NO! Whatever will be will be.

Maybe this is a scam the Mother and daughter do for a living.

[daleyboy]

The mother is taking the piss, if the girl really likes you she will understand you saying no, if not i wouldnt worry about it, plenty more girls in the nightlife industry

[rcm]

I have been in a happy relationship with a 22-year-old Lao lass, who is a Thai resident, for the past two months. Problem is her mother has been making requests for Baht 40,000 worth of gold on her daughter's behalf, "According to our local culture". Although the girlfriend lives on her own, she seems more afraid of the mother (there's no father) than losing me if I refuse. She has never been involved in the nightlife industry. The mother spends time on both sides of the border.

I have offered a moderate gift of gold in keeping with my means and our relationship but it seems they want all or nothing, even though the price of gold is sky-high. In several Thai relationships I have never encountered such heavy financial pressure within such a short time-frame.

What is the best way of dealing with the mother, who is basically a dim-witted peasant, and convincing her daughter there is more to our current happiness than fretting over gold chains?

This is about 3,5 baht(weight) gold if i am not mistaken....quite a bit. Is this for getting engaged? I recall giving my wife 3 baht (gold ring & bracelet) ...need to point out that my wife comes from a middle class/wealthy Thai/Chinese Family. 40000 Baht worth of Gold i find too much ...it is subject to negotiations....should you marry your Girlfriend you will encounter the same issue regarding the Dowry...you'll be better off to set borders now before it is too late.

hope that helps,

rcm

[Charma]

My view:

Seems like the mother is trying to secure some capital here. If you were getting married then gold might be part of a sin sot (other threads on TV about that). I guess she is trying to make the most of it while she can, which probably means she does not expect you to be around long. Hopefully your girlfriend is on your side, in which case a polite refusal from both is all that should be required. If the pressure is coming from both, then you have to decide where this is going.

My Thai wife's view:

She agrees with me except she did think that, if the girl had not been in any relationship before and you were now enjoying a physical relationship with her, this may cause concern to the family and they may wish to see some sort of committment from you. In the abscence of a marriage, this could be taking the form of the request for gold. This "traditional" approach to the "value" of a daughter is not very common in most of Thailand and so my wife is only guessing here and giving the mother the benefit of the doubt.

[malcolminthemiddle]

I should suggest the gold is for security, the mother or the daughters or both security is another question.

In any case a bit early in the relationship to start making demands like this.

Also in Laos courtship has very deep roots and if she is from a decent family, poor or not it might be expected. Get a Lao girl pregnant in Lao, by law you have to marry her, so I was told when working there.

[JimsKnight]

I have been in a happy relationship with a 22-year-old Lao lass, who is a Thai resident, for the past two months. Problem is her mother has been making requests for Baht 40,000 worth of gold on her daughter's behalf, "According to our local culture". Although the girlfriend lives on her own, she seems more afraid of the mother (there's no father) than losing me if I refuse. She has never been involved in the nightlife industry. The mother spends time on both sides of the border.

I have offered a moderate gift of gold in keeping with my means and our relationship but it seems they want all or nothing, even though the price of gold is sky-high. In several Thai relationships I have never encountered such heavy financial pressure within such a short time-frame.

What is the best way of dealing with the mother, who is basically a dim-witted peasant, and convincing her daughter there is more to our current happiness than fretting over gold chains?

Nothings perfect in Thailand, this is the critical flaw with quite a few decent thai girlfriends, you take on their family after the 'honeymoon' period passes by. The fact your not married is irrelevant to them. They may even consider you a 'husband' of sorts. I've had thai girls who can turn into right little thieves due to there family having this mental strangle hold on them to pilfer money.

Very few can cut loose and become indepandant (like a lot of Europeans do) from this dark side of the thai psyche.

If you won't pay this 40 k then one course of action is she needs to throw her lot in with you completely (basically tell the family to get fcked and she has nothing more to do with them). If this happens her family may disown her so the responsibility is on you to take care of her!

If she can't then you can either pay up and slave yourself to them or stick two fingers up at them and walk away. My advice is likely to be 'walk away. Thailand has plenty more. Hard words my friend but in thailand one thing you dont want is are any more thais bleeding you white.

Good Luck

[Lacoste]

I should suggest the gold is for security, the mother or the daughters or both security is another question.

In any case a bit early in the relationship to start making demands like this.

Also in Laos courtship has very deep roots and if she is from a decent family, poor or not it might be expected. Get a Lao girl pregnant in Lao, by law you have to marry her, so I was told when working there.

And if you decide to go to Laos with her be extremely careful, especialy if you have snubed the family.

The Lao Government prohibits sexual contact between foreign citizens and Lao nationals except when the two parties have been married in accordance with Lao Family Law. Any foreigner who enters into a sexual relationship with a Lao national may be interrogated, detained, arrested, or jailed. Lao police have confiscated passports and imposed fines of up to $5000 on foreigners who enter into disapproved sexual relationships. The Lao party to the relationship may also be jailed without trial. Foreigners are not permitted to invite Lao nationals of the opposite sex to their hotel rooms; police may raid hotel rooms without notice or consent.

Foreign citizens intending to marry Lao nationals are required by Lao law to obtain prior permission from the Lao Government. The formal application process can take as long as a year. American citizens may obtain information about these requirements from the U.S. Embassy in Vientiane. The Lao Government will not issue a marriage certificate unless the correct procedures are followed. Any attempt to circumvent Lao regulations may result in arrest, imprisonment, a fine of $500-$5000, and deportation. Foreigners who cohabit with or enter into a close relationship with Lao nationals may be accused by Lao authorities of entering an illegal marriage and be subject to the same penalties.

Foreign citizens who wish to become engaged to a Lao national are required to obtain prior permission from the chief of the village where the Lao national resides. Failure to obtain prior permission can result in a fine of $500-$5000. Lao police frequently impose large fines on foreign citizens a few days after they hold an engagement ceremony with a Lao citizen based on the suspicion that the couple probably subsequently had sexual relations out of wedlock.

[britmaveric]

Simple pissing contest mate - stick to your guns and say no. If you don't all will be lost.

[Totster]

Simple pissing contest mate - stick to your guns and say no. If you don't all will be lost.

I'd rather take the pissing contest... good fun...

totster

[unforgiven]

I have been in a happy relationship with a 22-year-old Lao lass, who is a Thai resident, for the past two months. Problem is her mother has been making requests for Baht 40,000 worth of gold on her daughter's behalf, "According to our local culture". Although the girlfriend lives on her own, she seems more afraid of the mother (there's no father) than losing me if I refuse. She has never been involved in the nightlife industry. The mother spends time on both sides of the border.

I have offered a moderate gift of gold in keeping with my means and our relationship but it seems they want all or nothing, even though the price of gold is sky-high. In several Thai relationships I have never encountered such heavy financial pressure within such a short time-frame.

What is the best way of dealing with the mother, who is basically a dim-witted peasant, and convincing her daughter there is more to our current happiness than fretting over gold chains?

It's a ######in scam and the daughters probabaly in on it..............tell her no and never and see if she srays with you,,,,,,don't be a whimp

[backflip]

"dimwitted"

Well, her mom seems anything but that. You, on the other hand...

Nancy Reagan said it best, "Just say 'no'."

[chuchok]

"In our culture, the lady buys the gifts for the man, when do I get a new car? I like red car."

Yep, this sounds good to me...

In our culture, it is common for the brides mum to shower males with gifts and to pay for a second wife when the "flags up" on the regular shag.A high,outstanding standard for the mai-noi is also expected.

Edited July 31, 2006 by chuchok

[udon]

Mama's trying it on.

2 months!

Just say no, not 1 baht, and walk away, see if she (GF) sticks by you.

If she doesn't, you saved 40,000baht....

[Donz]

Well for my my mother in-law (future) bought me a big thick gold chain, So i bought my fiancee a little one with diamonds, she absolutely loved it. Girls love jewellery and always want more.

I dont think its there culture for man to buy girl jewellery, i thinks its what guys do. But i do think its weird her mum DEMANDS you to buy her a big chain.

Google lao's culture and see if it says in anywhere

Also how long you been with her??

Edited July 31, 2006 by Donz

[Donz]

arrrr 2 months lol.

I think you can work out this answer by yourself.

DONT DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We dont want to be reading your posts later on about how this woman scammed you etc.

Would you buy a girl a 40,000 baht necklace in your home country after only knowing her 2 months??

there is your answer. And i hope it is a no. Please dont do it

[suiging]

Same thing happens in China. My sister-in-law demanded I respected tradition and by the mother gold. I countered with " sure...if you respect my culture and your family pays for the reception ", never heard anything about the gold again !!!

[chang35baht]

It`s a good thing that the mother has asked this early as it will provide a good acid test as to your GF intentions when you tell her mother to <deleted> off.

[Dakhar]

I never bought my mother-in-law anything, nor my wife....

Unless you count the land, the 7 unit town house etc.

But other than that I have stuck to my guns....

In retrospect, I am thinking I have done toooooo much already

[wasabi]

There are two common scams, "According to our local culture" or "You don't understand Thai people" They count on you not understanding their culture and filling in the blanks with whatever their greedy hearts desire. That said, I don't think it's 100% a scam, as there are aspects to Thai culture where a male courting a female offers some assurance he is serious, typically when one is pursuing marriage. Now 40,000 is way more assurance than any Thai man would pay and just because you are a Farang doesn't mean you should pay more. Something along the lines of 10,000 might be reasonable, 40k is an insult.

[Oleg_Rus]

Cheappy !

Cannot find 1k $ for nice young girl to please her mom, now looking for excuse to be a cheap m/**f**-> (.)

who gives a sh***t about culture? if the issue would be in the first place - she'll never go out with you, dig it ? Get a job, save some dough and go after youngsters later

[John K]

Well here is a point, is your relationship with your girlfriend or her mother? If her mother wants gold for her daughter tell her she is free to buy some. Just be sure she knows it is her money and not yours that makes the purchase. My friend, just read stickmanbangkok.com reader submissions. I am sure all your questions will be answered. Also You can always put money in a trust for her that will be hers after your “natural death.” If he mother scoffs at that then you should know what to do. Essentially it is the same reason to provide for her daughter’s future and there should be no reason to scoff. It is an approach that avoids conflict and shows their true intentions.

[Lacoste]

There are two common scams, "According to our local culture" or "You don't understand Thai people" They count on you not understanding their culture and filling in the blanks with whatever their greedy hearts desire. That said, I don't think it's 100% a scam, as there are aspects to Thai culture where a male courting a female offers some assurance he is serious, typically when one is pursuing marriage. Now 40,000 is way more assurance than any Thai man would pay and just because you are a Farang doesn't mean you should pay more. Something along the lines of 10,000 might be reasonable, 40k is an insult.

And it's a bit of an insult for you to reply to his post without even bothering yourself to read it first.

She isLoation not Thai.

[tourleadersi]

I can understand that she is possibly concerned for her daughters future and your sincerity towards her. It is also quite possibly a scam.

How much do you care for this woman? If its a lot then perhaps you should sit down and parle with her Mum. If she is just 'a fling' then dig your heels in and hope for the best.

That amount of money is pretty steep and if you pay that up now, by the time you end up marrying her the expectations for sin sot will be astronomical.

Look at it this way. They want 40k. If you can easily afford it and then pay it, they will believe you are rich and demand a high sin sot. Now if you are rich that won't be a problem either. But if you are not rich, you have misled them and will never be able to meet their expectations. This will make you look bad and cause further problems.

Don't forget, they all think we are loaded because we are falang. It is time you made them understand. My wifes mother kept telling me "So and So's daughter got a million baht sin sot from a falang". I asked her how may mothers went around bragging that 'my daughter got nothing' and she saw my point.

Suggestion. Don't pay anything at all for the time being. Never fear your relationship being tested.

Edited July 31, 2006 by tourleadersi

[Lacoste]

Don't forget, they all think we are loaded because we are falang.

You don't realy believe this do you tourleadersi? Give me a break.

[tourleadersi]

Don't forget, they all think we are loaded because we are falang.

You don't realy believe this do you tourleadersi? Give me a break.

OK, maybe not all of them Lacoste, I have just woken up mate! You can't deny that a large number of the poorer element in Thailand and Laos assume that we are minted? Even my wife, who is Uni educated, and loves watching programs like CSI, 24 etc (and therefore sees the poorer side of the west as portrayed in these programs) when asked how many people in the west she thought did not have to think about money at all (when/how to pay the phone bill, can I afford this etc) stated 95%.

Of course in one sense they are right. If we had the money that we have and lived their way then we would be minted. But it is not quite like that is it?

[smartecosse]

I have been in a happy relationship with a 22-year-old Lao lass, who is a Thai resident, for the past two months. Problem is her mother has been making requests for Baht 40,000 worth of gold on her daughter's behalf, "According to our local culture". Although the girlfriend lives on her own, she seems more afraid of the mother (there's no father) than losing me if I refuse. She has never been involved in the nightlife industry. The mother spends time on both sides of the border.

I have offered a moderate gift of gold in keeping with my means and our relationship but it seems they want all or nothing, even though the price of gold is sky-high. In several Thai relationships I have never encountered such heavy financial pressure within such a short time-frame.

What is the best way of dealing with the mother, who is basically a dim-witted peasant, and convincing her daughter there is more to our current happiness than fretting over gold chains?

by your standards my Lao g/f's mother would fall into the above category, in fact as the g/f spent many years as a "peasant" farmer u would probably call her that as well.

Anyway just to point out to you that the 40k that she is demending is equivalent to 18months wages for a "peasant" as the current rate for "peasant" work in the fields is the equivalent of 80 baht for 8-9 hours work

[kiakaha]

What is the best way of dealing with the mother, who is basically a dim-witted peasant,

Buy her 10 Gold derivatives contracts on the Thailand Futures Exchange.