Teenage Thai son by marrage causing many problems

[dotpoom]

I suspect at 16 he is considered a minor and the family may well be held responsible to sort this out.. My wife's son got himself into a similar bind and at the time he was a soldier in the Thai army (about 21 I think). His mother (my wife) was called upon by the mother of the pregnant girl to meet her at the police station (I was not involved) with her son, it was dealt with in the manner these things are usually sorted from what I have experienced.between Thai families. He was asked by the girl's mother if he was going to marry her daughter. He said he could not as he was still attending university and soldiering at the same time. He also had a night shift job at a 7-Eleven store. The mother then demanded a sum of money to compensate her because the daughter and baby would have to live with her as she was too young to rear a baby on her own. Plus, she wanted a monthly income. all this had to be agreed to at the police station under police supervision. The police had to be satisfied that the mother and the pregnant girl were completely happy with the arrangements before all parties were allowed to leave the police building.

I hope this is of some help to you and I have found in life that by doing the right thing we always seem to get the right result....couldn't get any other type of result really ....could it?

[johnh869]

In the 40s and 50s he would get a swift kick in the you know what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then tell him bye bye!

[realenglish1]

Take it easy Lots of children go through this and take their parents with them. I had the same problem with my son when he was 16. But you know he is 31 now and an Electrical Engineer So have faith in your son. Thank god he isn't stealing cars and jacking people up

Be patient and use tough love. If he cannot live by your rules lock him out of the house

He will come around soon

[PaulHamon]

20 Baht at the Tha Yang Municipal Office and they're married. That's how much it cost me in Cha-am which is in the same province.

How is the motorbike financed? What did you co-sign and how much is it worth?

[ttthailand]

What does the boy say about this ? Does he love this girl ? Does he want to marry her ? He will marry at some point and the Thai way is for the mans family to pay. Is there a Sin Sod being asked for ?

If the boy wants to marry this girl and you only have to pay for wedding you are getting off easy.

If he want to marry let him do it with a small wedding and tell him that is the only time you will do it. 50K is cheap but send him on his way as you don't want to support her too.

Time for the boy to man up and take responsibility.

Good luck !

[tx22cb]

If he's fallen in with the wrong crowd or wrong substances, try to get him away from their influence.

Perhaps plant idea of a spell in the monkhood for a period .... might emerge with more tranquility.

Bon chance

[ggt]

Was making straight As in school...then discovered what the middle leg was for...dropped to Cs and Ds...barely made it out of high school...

The boys reaction to girls is not unusual...his illegal behavior is a bit over the top...maybe a little jail time would do him some good...

Good luck...he sounds like a handful...

[ianf]

Sorry to read about your and your wifes predicament.

I understand that you need short term solutions...as per your questions, but the son has obviously some real issues pending. You posting on here shows that you care so in the meantime try to figure out what the real issues are regarding him. If you do not do that a bigger trainwreck is waiting to happen. IMO his mother is the key to the solution.

As above poster stated there, most likely, is no legal danger to you loosing house or you paying for the wedding. I do not think that Thai law states that the groom, or his family, needs to pay for a wedding....as for the mbike....i dont know about the financecontract.

Good luck.

To "binalibina" Again many thanks for your thoughtful reply. Yes I agree bigger future trainweck very possible. Thanks for your "good luck" wishes. Will keep you and everyone posted as to outcome as it may be helpful to others in same situation

When my half Thai son turned our world upside down here in Chiang Mai, and when we had enough of his lies and scheming we sent him back to the UK. Not relevant for you I know. But I wonder if you just took him to Bangkok and told him to make his own life whether it would force him to be a bit responsible. I would find him a room, give him 5000 baht. Tell him to make his own way in life and come back home when he's prepared to act responsibly. Or take him to the army.

[biggles45]

I am very impressed with your wifes attitude. I know of two cases where the wife has sided with the wayward child and had the husband removed from the house, in her name, in one case by the police. She sounds like a great lady with a realistic attitude. Good luck formthe future.

[eule]

carken, i know 3 similar cases, which happened in or around the village where i'm living with my thai wife. in all cases the family of the boy paid money and a wedding of the kids was arranged.

before the marriage took place, the families of the boy and girl, the chief of the village and in one case the police met and were negotiating about the sinsod etc. in one case the marriage of the kids was planned for spring 2015 and the family of the boy has to pay thb 3k as deposit!!!

another problem might arise with your wife, if you don't want to pay a compensation to the girl's family. your wife is thai and if she is very rooted into thai tradition then you might have a problem with your wife, if you refuse to pay.

my wife has 2 sons in that teenage age and i'm awaiting problems like this also. but to be honest, i also don't know what to do.

eule

[tx22cb]

Several posters have suggested "send him to the Army" .... but the lad's only 16, so he might have to wait a while (at least in my country).

Temples, OTOH, can accept novices at any reasonable age. Just ask the wife to choose a "clean" non-dodgy temple.

[wvavin]

Mate, the continuation of your son's act might cause some 9mm landed in your house some day if your family fail to handle them properly. I am not scaring you but you never know when because your son is pushing his luck too far.

[AlQaholic]

Dear OP, I feel for your problems and I see many good replies here.

I am not a Lawyer but I feel that I need to point out three things that you might consider, maybe this has already been mentioned but I could not see it when browsing through the posts.

1. At 16 years of age, I believe the minors cannot be forced to marry according Thai law, I do not even think they can marry at all as you must be of legal age to marry in Thailand, I think this law apply to most countries?

2. If the boy marries the girl (against the law in this case?) the boy will then be legally responsible for any children together with his wife, and being a minor that responsibility maybe extends to the boys family. On the other hand if he does not marry the girl, according Thai law the Girl has sole responsibility for any children produced.

3. A marriage in Thailand does not have to cost much at all.

Edited January 6, 2015 by AlQaholic

[Sadana]

1. If the son had sex with the girl before she was 16, her parents can file for legal prosecution, however often this matter is settled by letting the boy marry the girl and thus by culture obligated to pay a sinsod which has to be negotiated by the parents of both. If not accepting to a marriage they may ask for a general settlement or proceed with getting the police involved. As mentioned before by reply often the village headman may act as a mediator.

2. As the son is not legally an adult you had to co-sign the motorbike purchase either with or without financing. Also until the son is legally an adult, parents may still be held responsible for his actions and or financial burdens.

3. Any matter of reprocessing assets may only be done by court order. If any of the two cases goes to court and if the court deems the parents responsible, the court may ask for a guarantee in any format the parents choose to as long this equals the amount requested/demanded. This also counts for court ordered settlements.

[teacherpaul]

Carken, you will have to learn to take the rough with the smooth here. It would be a mistake to get into it with members who are poking a bit of fun.

On topic- The ages of the two in the latest bunk-up are important. I don't know the specifics of the law, but 16 can definitely be construed as 'under-aged' in this country. This is where your money and possessions would come in- to keep the little fornicator out of jail.

Your second sentence sounds like a threat. This poor guy has enough on his plate without this.

[NoshowJones]

Carken, you will have to learn to take the rough with the smooth here. It would be a mistake to get into it with members who are poking a bit of fun.

On topic- The ages of the two in the latest bunk-up are important. I don't know the specifics of the law, but 16 can definitely be construed as 'under-aged' in this country. This is where your money and possessions would come in- to keep the little fornicator out of jail.

First of all, when you get the chance, get the son and the wife together and tell them you will not be paying any money to keep him out of jail, and mean it, despite anything your wife says.

If it means that you and the wife split up over it, then so be it.

[georgemandm]

I had the same problem with my 16 year old son I just told him to move out and her did it , it is not your problem and you don't have to pay for your son to get married to the thai girl I had my thais daughter do the same thing go get a thai boy friend and the mother of the boy said we will pay gest what did not pay one cent and the stupid daughter my stepdaughter went and live with the thai boy , boy was 17 years old and she was 14 years old what a joke but when I came to thailand after a long time back home in Australia, she come and seen me I told her you are to young you can come back home and live with me and mum again and she was back with me in 20 mins had a bad life with the thai boy now she knows we're she has a good life with me so don't give a f??k about the Thais girls mother and father just tell them when we have money we will think about it .they can't take your home your car ok that is not how it works in thailand hop it works out for you but stand up to the Thais.

[recycler]

1. If the son had sex with the girl before she was 16, her parents can file for legal prosecution, however often this matter is settled by letting the boy marry the girl and thus by culture obligated to pay a sinsod which has to be negotiated by the parents of both. If not accepting to a marriage they may ask for a general settlement or proceed with getting the police involved. As mentioned before by reply often the village headman may act as a mediator.

2. As the son is not legally an adult you had to co-sign the motorbike purchase either with or without financing. Also until the son is legally an adult, parents may still be held responsible for his actions and or financial burdens.

3. Any matter of reprocessing assets may only be done by court order. If any of the two cases goes to court and if the court deems the parents responsible, the court may ask for a guarantee in any format the parents choose to as long this equals the amount requested/demanded. This also counts for court ordered settlements.

The age of consent in Thailand is 15 years, so if both parents or legal guardians agree kids can marry at 15.

Problem is that the marriage related to the sinsod or dowry is only a ceremony and has no legal status. That's why so many just walk away after the first joy is over and the girls struggle to support the kids alone... ending up in Pattaya, Phuket, Bangkok or the likes of it in many cases.

[Kasset Tak]

1. You don't need to pay for the wedding.

2. You co signed for the MC so you have responsibility. It will be repossessed if you don't pay.

3. I have no straight answer. I'm not sure about Thailand but in most European countries then you are responsible for your child untilll the day they turn 18.

As they are both 16 there will be no problem that they are underage ( legal age is 15 but thanks to some other laws it's basically 18).

If her family want to press charges then just refuse to pay anything, let him go to prison to pay if his fines (I don't remember but I think they count about 100Baht a day). If he goes to prison then he can study Kosano and get a degree up to M.6 and if he would stay long time he can get a vocational education too.

[zaZa9]

It doesn't have to cost much for a wedding, reckon you could cover all bases for 50k ie the traditional basic requirements, not a party for 300 'relatives'

Then they can go play happy families and leave you n your wife alone, problem solved !

Thank you for comment. We appreciate you thoughts. Cannot and do not want to pay 50,000 for sons problems. He needs to take responsibilty for his actions. I've been a great father and tried to raise him as a responsible person, but teenagers think they know it all. Time for him to grow up and understand about life and one's actions. This may seem cruel and unloving to some but Mama and Papa tired of his disregard for one's cosial and human responsibilities.

Sounds like you have already made your choice then...

As for legal aspects, pretty obvious that no one can make you pay for a wedding. Also, unless you co-signed for the bike you are under no obligation to make repayments.

Just reread your OP, you did co sign so you are liable for payments but just let them repossess it...

Good luck

Very sensible post.

You , as a co-signer , are responsible for the scooter , nothing else.

The 16 year old girl went with your wifes son voluntarily - the issue is between her and her parents , not you or your wife.

If it were me I would pay out the bikes residual and hand it to him and tell him to ride away on it and not come back, because sooner or later he is going to produce a baby for you and your wife to care for , but your wife probably cant do that .

But if she 'must' have him around , cut off all "help" like food or accommodation until he is working again at least.

[phetchy]

To a great extent the outcome of the current situation you find yourself in will hinge upon the attitude of your wife. Blood is thicker than water and all that but despite your having had a good relationship with your stepson, his attitude will be more influenced by his mothers actions rather than yours. It's only natural.

I had a situation involving my stepson a few years ago and I was frankly quite shocked at the way it was dealt with. My wife's zero tolerance stance was the determining factor. Briefly, she got knocked up in the village at 16, they never married and the father moved away from the village. My wife took care of her son as best she could and wanted to try to be a "hands on mum" as opposed to leaving the kid with granny in the village and leaving to work in Bangkok or Pattaya etc etc. She struggled with this arrangement until the father reappeared on the scene about four years later and said he had received a substantial (by Thai standards) insurance payout for a work related accident. As he was in a far better financial position, did my wife want the boy to go and live with his father? After a lot of heartsearching, my wife decided it would be the best outcome for their son and that was what happened. Whether or not it was a condition of the arrangement or just the way things turned out, I know not, but my wife didn't have any contact with her son for a good number of years. Some 16 years later the prodigal son turns up in the village (prior arranged). By then my wife and me had been together for six years and I knew of the sons existence and circumstances. He was living in a large town a few hours drive away with some of his fathers relatives - the father had (apparently) left and hadn't been heard of for a long time. He was extremely polite when reunited with his mother and grandmother and stayed at our house in the village for a couple of days. I kept out of the way but was acknowledged and duly respected. My suspicions of a forthcoming stitch up were raised when he started dropping hints that he wanted to start a business selling shirts in Bangkok with a friend, but didn't have any capital - a ruse I suspected by his relatives to extract money from the farang ATM. My wife was reluctant to get involved, but on my suggestion that we should give the boy (about 19 years old by then) a chance and we lent him 10,000 Baht. I say lend in the sense that although such a concept is unknown to many Thais, it was made clear to the son that if he repaid the loan (over as reasonably long a period as it took), he could borrow more. As you might expect, nothing was seen of it again. A few weeks afterwards my wife started getting phone calls from the relatives the boy was supposedly staying with and coming up with all sorts of spurious requests for loans/donations. My instincts were confirmed and I expected this to drag on and on but my wife's reaction surprised me somewhat. She immediately completely blanked the relatives, changed her phone number, told her mother and sister not to reveal where we lived (when not in the village) and removed her contacts with all social media. I asked her if she was sure she wanted to do this, as it would probably mean she would never see her son again. She said yes. A mothers natural instinct and bond with her children must make it very difficult to do this, but she said she knew what these relatives were like and if we wanted to lead a peaceful, quiet life then this is the only way to do it.

So in relation to what I've said, the reaction of any two mothers will be different and your wife may find it difficult to rebuke her son, let alone exile him. The problem with punishment in the form of withholding financial support and foregoing payments on his behalf for a motorbike and whatever, is that he is quite likely (by the sound of his attitude) to resort to crime. A compromise solution is a difficult thing to attain - you will always be open to persuasion to give a little more and then a little more leeway. I was lucky. my wife's solution was radical but it worked. I wish you luck.

[Capt Rob]

Just noticed you posted in ask a lawyer forum so you sound a little worried, so I'll reply.

No they can't make you pay for the wedding, not legally.

You say you cosigned an agreement for the motorcycle, this could have been you signing to be guarantor so if he fails to pay then the burden is on you. Don't know what you signed but that is common policy.

And no the family can't get one baht off you. Its what 16year old boys and girls do all over the world, stop worrying.

Lots of helpfull and good advice here - clearly some experienced parents! Tough love may well be the answer.

The co signed M/C issue may have a financial sting for you, perhaps talk to the hire purchase/ finance company about your options. If they reposess the M/C and sell it for less than the pay-out figure they will come to you for the balance and costs.

Have a now 22 year old son that was a real concern when 15 to 18 years of age. Since then he has walked the straight, if not narrow path, even pays his flights to Thailand. Can still remember telling that love is unconditional but would also prefer to like him.

Good luck, think there is a good chance of you liking your son again - down the track one or two years.

[irishsmile]

Pay nothing! He is not legally your son... He left home on his on accord... I do understand your concern and you obviously are a good husband but how does his mum ( your wife) feel? I know thai culture is different from western culture but seriously do stand your ground and don't budge... You are not responsible for his actions now that he is 16 in the eyes of thai law.

[mgjackson69]

It sounds as if Mama is on board with giving him the boot and letting him take care of his own life. Follow her lead.

As far as the girl's parents, let them know that you will not put up one satang for the wedding or sinsod...then see how keen they are for the kids to marry.

On the motorbike, if you cosigned for the loan you are on the hook for it, if the finance company wants to come after you. Either get possession of the bike and pay it off, then keep it for a spare or sell it; or, let it be repossessed.

[Bakeman]

IF you can find the boys Thai father he may have more power to control the little mischief maker. No one can force a marriage. Stay nice but stay clear of ALL Thai situations and affairs if possible. Just don't let your wife make any false promises to greng jai other angry people with your worldly goods and funds.

[PJcm]

Pay the authorities to plant some illegal substances on him and send him to prison, do not I repeat do not tell your wife. Probably be in jail for 4 years he comes out is an adult and no more responsibility. Your other option is to have him emancipated but I don't know if this is even an option in Thailand should speak to a Thai lawyer about that.

[Yoshimura]

Seems like you received some great advice and you seem like a really nice and patient guy, don't let them take advantage of you. I am single so I really can't offer any advice on how to handle your Thai son but I am sure that you are not liable to pay for the wedding. I find it kind of odd how thai men can escape getting married even after getting a girl pregnant and you never hear anything about forced marriages but since you are a farlang, than it may benefit everyone that is involved if you know what I mean. Good luck and I can totally understand your stress. Take care and I hope everything works out for you. As for your Thai son, I doubt he will change, his behavior seems to be consistent with other young male teenagers. Can't hold a job, messing around with the girls and having them pay for everything, and drinking.

[Pompey50]

Carken, you will have to learn to take the rough with the smooth here. It would be a mistake to get into it with members who are poking a bit of fun.

On topic- The ages of the two in the latest bunk-up are important. I don't know the specifics of the law, but 16 can definitely be construed as 'under-aged' in this country. This is where your money and possessions would come in- to keep the little fornicator out of jail.

In fact 15 is the legal age of consent amongst Thais. So neither is under-age.

It is lets be honest partly up to your wife but the boy obviously is going through his teen terror years. You could break yourself and your relationship trying to keep him out of trouble and paying for his mistakes. Frankly sounds like he needs a good slap off the girls father. But it takes 2 to tango!

[Nemesis7]

No doubt you are on a tough spot. Don't worry too much. please follow go and talk to a lawyer and explain your scenario.

There is no way they can take your assets. Besides they are your step son. Ask the mother to talk to him and if required make a complain about his reckless behavior to the concern authorities.

[Gandtee]

It doesn't have to cost much for a wedding, reckon you could cover all bases for 50k ie the traditional basic requirements, not a party for 300 'relatives'

Then they can go play happy families and leave you n your wife alone, problem solved !

Do you really think so? When his dosh runs out he will be on the doorstep with maybe his offspring, begging for money. The OPs wife, being the boys mother will succumb as most mothers do to their sons. The OP may also end up looking after the grandchildren. Quit a dilemma for which I have no answer. Antagonism between step children and their step father is I believe, quite common. The kids resent the interloper taking affection from their mother.