Glass Wall Of Relationship With Farang

[Espada]

hmm... first of all i would like to share something which happend to my friend. he met farang b/f about 3 years ago. after all of that they decided to live together. over three year in relationship they having good and bad time... but there are something he didn't really understand about his farang b/f.

1. his b/f like to do thing behind him (hang out with new guy which is gay of course but never tell my friend) he caught his b/f doing that several time but he keep silience.

2. when they trying to communicate, his b/f would say "i went out with friends" then silence!!!

3. then when my friend say "i'm gonna go with my friend tonight" his b/f get upset "where are you going? with who? when will you come back?" is that new b/f etc...

do you think this is fair relationship? what's the problem in this relationship? honest? trust? freedom?

[jdinasia]

do you think any rational person would tolerate that behaviour?

[bieles]

do you think this is fair relationship? what's the problem in this relationship? honest? trust? freedom?

Sorry I'm french, and it's more easy for me :

c'est vieux comme le monde

autour de vous des millions le vivent

il n'y a pas de solutions, sauf la vôtre,

et les bons conseils des amis

sont comme de l'huile sur le feu

Braoufff !!!! I try :

a story old as the world

happens the same maybe million time around

theyre's no solution, only yours

and the easy advices from others are

like oil on fire

Mai bpen lai....

[boybrat]

hmm... first of all i would like to share something which happend to my friend. he met farang b/f about 3 years ago. after all of that they decided to live together. over three year in relationship they having good and bad time... but there are something he didn't really understand about his farang b/f.

1. his b/f like to do thing behind him (hang out with new guy which is gay of course but never tell my friend) he caught his b/f doing that several time but he keep silience.

2. when they trying to communicate, his b/f would say "i went out with friends" then silence!!!

3. then when my friend say "i'm gonna go with my friend tonight" his b/f get upset "where are you going? with who? when will you come back?" is that new b/f etc...

do you think this is fair relationship? what's the problem in this relationship? honest? trust? freedom?

JEESUS! People have the right to see who they want to and do what they want to do. AND DO who they want to. hahah!

your friend has nothing 2 worry about cos at the end of the day, his partner returns to him no? so screw it!

ive slept with lots of other peoples farang boyfriends. but do these guys love me? no! do i want their love? hel_l no! its just good clean fun. his farang partner loves HIM and not the other guy. he goes back to yr friend, no?

but if yr friend's bf decides to leave him 4 another guy, then let him go. its no used trying to hold on.

and if your friend is upset and has caught his partner sleeping around, then he should sleep around himself.

dont get mad. get even.

-exeunt-

[PeaceBlondie]

I'm not sure in a relationship of gay men who is the goose or the gander, but whatever's good for one, is good for the other. I thought Thai men were more the jealous types!

They need to sit down and have a discussion. About anything, preferably monogamy.

[Scott]

Yes, it sounds like someone is being less than faithful and it sounds like it is the farang. That is the reason that he is so jealous. Guilt will do that. Your friend and his b/f need to have, as Peaceblondie said, a conversation. If they aren't going to be monogamous, that's OK, but they do need to set limits about what behavior is tolerable to both.

With gay men it is very, very difficult to be monogamous. Even if both parties want to, it doesn't usually work. It's the nature of men to mess around and two men double the chances. It sounds like they have a loving relationship and that is the most important thing.

I play around a lot and I've been caught by my partner. There is no secret about my behavior, but the limits are firmly set--don't bring them home. I've never caught him, but maybe he does, I really don't know. I do know we both love each other and have been together for over 15 years.

[dukkha]

Scott, who is counting, but 15 years sounds a pretty good testament to an honest and loving relationship, for me 15 months in an open relationship, the difference being we bring someone home in the full knowledge of who is doing what to whom and when and how...not for everyone but I always stress EMOTIONAL MONOGAMY as the basis of the loving relationship, it is a cultural fact that sex for most thais is an activity rather than anything else that we as westerners have had inculcated into our psyches....oh the guilt, the spilt guilt... Dukkha

[-jr-]

LOL. I love your post, boybrat. Same philosophy goes with me.

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1. his b/f like to do thing behind him (hang out with new guy which is gay of course but never tell my friend) he caught his b/f doing that several time but he keep silience.

- I'd say that b/f of him needs some spaces. If your friend doesn't like the idea of his b/f going out with someone else, why kept silence? ask away. at least, he would know what they did or know that his b/f felt uncomfortable to be honest with him (about what he did with another guy).

2. when they trying to communicate, his b/f would say "i went out with friends" then silence!!!

- I don't think the answer would be 'I shagged with a guy I met yesterday' even if that's what he did. A general question like 'Where have you been?' deserves a general answer like that. Be honest and speak out what you know, what you want to know and demands the real answer. Once you know the truth, you can decide what your next step would be.

3. then when my friend say "i'm gonna go with my friend tonight" his b/f get upset "where are you going? with who? when will you come back?" is that new b/f etc...

- At least he was honest with his feeling, not keeping it inside. But I agree with what Scott said that it could be his guilt that made him scare of what your friend would do.

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I don't think being a couple means that 2 people have to have exactly the same attitude. That would be a bit boring. As long as you both agree on each other's habit, I couldn't see any problem. If you couldn't accept it, why wait? If you're so sure that it's not gonna work, that there's no way you gonna compromise, then I'd say, break up before it turns ugly.

The most important thing is that you should be able to talk with your bf about what you could handle and what you couldn't. As PB&Scott mentioned, a real conversation with agreement on limits (if needed) of promiscuity (replaced it with activities if you like). Don't just wait too long with the he-should-know-that attitude. Unless your partner is a mind reader, there is a big chance he would miss some of your concerns.

//JR

PS. dukkha, in Buddhism, being promiscuous violates one of the five precepts (sexual misconduct). It just that people tend to care less doesn't mean they were not inculcated before. Also being gay is not defined by letters in the teachings, so people like the idea of applying it the way they see fit.

[Trouble]

Espada, As has been said by others your friend and his bf need to have a talk. Since the issue has been brought up by your friend to you, he obviously has a problem with his bf's outside activities. When two people enter into a relationship I think most would assume that the relationship would be monogamous. That is usually how things start in a new relationship because the two enjoy each other and the sex with each other. Time does cause the passion to cool a little. If the two have developed a trust in each other then that trust can easily be broken if one or the other finds his partner going outside the relationship for sex. The important thing to understand is that it SHOULD BE necessary for both partners to concur on any change in the nature of the relationship with regards to sex outside the relationship. That is not always the case and therein lays the problem. One goes outside the relationship and the other finds out and trust is lost. I know a number of relationships where both parties play outside the relationship. They have made some ground rules and it works for them. I don't think it is for everyone. You have already seen the varying opinions expressed here and what works for some will not work for others.

I would say to your friend that he must tell his partner how he feels. He will either accept his bf's outside play or reject it. He will either tell him he does not approve and take the consequences or start playing himself and take the consequences. From what you stated, it sounds like your friend's bf likes to play but might be extremely unhappy if your friend did the same thing. I would say this is not exactly a good basis for continued healthy relationship. The boyfriend can't have it both ways and ultimately he will destroy the relationship if they don't talk it out.

I personally have very mixed emotions about "open" relationships. I don't necessarily have a problem with them if both parties can live up to the rules they set. The problem I have seen is that as time goes by one or the other violates the rules or begins to find someone more "interesting" than the bf and the relationship ultimately collapses. Maybe that is just the course of events in some relationships anyway.

Honesty, trust, and communication are required components of a healthy relationship. Maybe they can reach a common ground and maybe not. Quite honestly if your friend's bf does not think enough of him to take his feelings into account and try to reach an accomodation I would question his commitment to your friend. I wish them luck.