Stepson

[apetley]

I started working when I was two yrs old. Doing things around the house and scrubbing the floor just to get 50 cents and some milk. It wasn't really a house ... more like a shoe box. But my friends were only getting 25 cents then so I was in the money.

.......luxury.

[up-country_sinclair]

This is his mother's problem to sort out. If she can't or won't, then give him a short deadline to move out of your house. My guess is that he will run to his father's house for a while but will be back eventually. It's at this point you need to set the ground rules regarding his permission to stay. Above all else you and your wife need to be on the same page about all of this. Good luck.

[slipperylobster]

I know how you must feel. If he does not work now, he will never try it. Like a previous poster, I grew up tough. At 3 years of age, I roamed the sidewalks of a large city in New York. Never got a ride/bus to school, and I had to do those famous six am walks in sub zero temperatures. By the time I was ten, I was helping my older brother on paper routes at 4am....before school.....and in freezing weather, as well. At 14, I washed dishes in a restaurant. At sixteen, I was a janitor's assistant in a large apartment complex (best job of my life). Did 4 pizza deliver jobs just after that. One month after I turned 17, I was in the military (and retired from that).

How did this all happen? Dad pretty much kicked me out on the streets. I got one dollar a week. Then he married my girlfriends mom...and my girlfriend ran away.

Tough love.....toss him.

[Frank James]

Maybe a stint at the wat would be good for the boy. Up at 4:00 for chanting & prayers, then out in the streets with the alms bowl. Buzz cut, saffron robes...chick magnet!

Make sure it's a country wat.

[Lucifer]

Not exactly the same situation but I brought an 18 year old step daughter, a 14 year old step son and a 12 year old step daughter to the U.S. for the better school system. Almost 8 years later, the step daughter dropped out of college because it was too hard to go to school and work. The step son was never a good student and it took quite a bit of effort to get him to graduate from High School 2 years ago. He works a couple of months at a fast food restaurant, until he is fired for not showing up or screwing around while at work. The eldest one does some household chores but the step son does nothing. He leaves the house at 10 at night and comes back around 2 or 3 and goes to bed around 4. He has anger management problems, like kicking several doors in, including one on my car. We have had 2 fist fights; the second one, he opened a cut next to my left eye, leaving me with a very visible black eye. He's been in court 4 times and has been arrested twice. It's my wife's and the rest of the family's belief that he should be left alone. It's my belief that he needs to have certain expectations imposed on him or he won't change his behavior. At this point, I just want him out of the house, if for no other reason to keep him from being a role model for my 7 year old son. The youngest step daughter and I have a good relationship. She works around the house and works part time, along with her studies. She will be starting college next month and eventually become a Dentist. I will give her all the support that I can. The only advise that I can give you is to make certain that your step son knows that you and your wife are on the same page. If not, he will go behind your back to his mother for "support" and you will have no chance to get him on the right path. Good luck!

Your wife must be amazing.

[Dean1953]

And you mean that in a positive way, right?

[itsmylife]

Let him study app programing scince he so interest in gaming , maybe he will have the interest to learn and make app or game at lease he learn something useful for making money.

[NeverSure]

There are two common mistakes that a lot of farangs make in Thailand:

#1. Marry a bargirl.

#2. Marry a woman who has dependent children.

The reasons for not doing #1 are obvious and any man who does it needs a check-up from the neck up.

The reasons for not doing #2 are much the same as they would be in any other country in the world. The stepparent/stepchild relationship is - almost always - fraught with problems everywhere, but in Thailand they are more numerous and will be harder to deal with unless you have a deep understanding of the language, the culture, and the traditions of the country. You are not just an intruder into the family, you are a farang intruder.

Marry a girl who is within ten years of your own age and isn't carrying any baggage is good advice to those who aren't already in a domestic mess.

"Marry a girl who is within ten years of your own age and isn't carrying any baggage is good advice to those who aren't already in a domestic mess."

I say stay single. It's pretty relaxed out here. Otherwise I agree with you completely.

[NeverSure]

-snip-

He has anger management problems, like kicking several doors in, including one on my car. We have had 2 fist fights; the second one, he opened a cut next to my left eye, leaving me with a very visible black eye.

No WAY would a kid like that be back in my house even if my house was suddenly somewhere else. NO way.

Cheers

[BKResort]

Good luck with that.....

After dating so many women here with teenagers sons.....I make my mind to date and married only one without young children....

Children in Thailand are spoiled in any way possible......even for parents without conditions to do it. I still watching this problem in my wife's relatives families. No way that attitude will change soon...unfortunately.

In your case....you are not even the boy's father....Let his mother to deal with.....with your advice, but...no get involved directly with that.

My opinion....

[Phrafarang]

"I started working when I was two yrs old"

Really?

I used to live in't cardboard box by't side of motorway

know what I mean? :-)

[jonwilly]

""this is Thailand" I can't work"

My My, should have been brought up in the Industrial North of Britain 50 odd years ago.

14 and a morning and evening paper round and a small payment to my parents toward my keep.

​But my experience of Thailand is much as several have expressed Little Emperors, Mothers Boy and mother will possibly have him do 3 months with Buddha, buy him a fast bike and let him waste himself.

john

[Dean1953]

-snip-

He has anger management problems, like kicking several doors in, including one on my car. We have had 2 fist fights; the second one, he opened a cut next to my left eye, leaving me with a very visible black eye.

No WAY would a kid like that be back in my house even if my house was suddenly somewhere else. NO way.

Cheers

. When we moved to U.S, I promised to support each child through the end of their formal education. I never had any illusions about the boy and his he would do in school here. Just hope for the best and prepare for the worst. The youngest graduated from high school last May and, while I will support her through her goal of Dental school over the next 8 years, my obligation to the other two is over. I told them that, if they want to go back to school, do it this year or next or expect no help from me. The boy has talked about going to a college about 150 miles away, where a couple of friends are going. I'm looking forward to the day that he moves out next month. The oldest daughter better find a rich Chinese American to marry.

[LarryBird]

Op, I feel for you. I also feel for some of the Thai kids. They have no social lives.. They go to school, come home, and stare at their smart phone. Why don't they go and hang out with their friends? It's depressing to see, and you deserve to not have to watch it every day. Tell him to go into another room so you don't have to watch it.

what is your relationship like with his mother? who is paying the bills? is the house in her name, etc..

If he doesn't have 3g, you can unplug the router.

[LarryBird]

As a teenager, my parents gave me a very hefty allowance every week.

BUT... I was required to have an after-school job as well. If I did NOT have a job, they wouldn't give me ANY allowance!

I was fortunate growing up. My parents paid for everything... school needs, clothing, everything. Plus they gave me $5 a week for myself, this at a time when my friends were all getting between $1-$3 a week. And if something extra-special came up, such as some event that required expensive tickets or pocket money, my parents never hesitated to give me more... but ONLY if I was working at my after-school job.

When I became old enough to get 'working papers' (I believe that was at age 14 in the US,) I had to work. Perhaps only one or two hours a day, but I had to have a job.

Delivering for a dry cleaning shop, delivering for a butcher shop, Saturday mornings stocking shelves in the corner Deli, etc., etc., etc.

Not sure how this helps OP?

[sharktooth]

Brilliant how this has turned into an old guys platform of self promotion.

When I was a lad etc, etc, etc...

[junglechef]

There are two common mistakes that a lot of farangs make in Thailand:

#1. Marry a bargirl.

#2. Marry a woman who has dependent children.

The reasons for not doing #1 are obvious and any man who does it needs a check-up from the neck up.

The reasons for not doing #2 are much the same as they would be in any other country in the world. The stepparent/stepchild relationship is - almost always - fraught with problems everywhere, but in Thailand they are more numerous and will be harder to deal with unless you have a deep understanding of the language, the culture, and the traditions of the country. You are not just an intruder into the family, you are a farang intruder.

Marry a girl who is within ten years of your own age and isn't carrying any baggage is good advice to those who aren't already in a domestic mess.

One must make their own life choices such as if they want and are able to take on the responsibility of being a parent to children.

Being with a lady who was employed to support her family in an undesirable occupation, often for lack of choices, does not always work out poorly.

I know a few lovely former bar girls who are now happily married to Falang and are wonderful wives and mothers.

Of course one always must be careful, as with many life decisions like buying property, and perhaps being here with even more diligent.

My partner, was working in a horrible job, though not a bar girl still not a respected occupation back home, so she could make enough in a factory job, which had done at age 9, to send to Grandma to look after her two kids when her husband left. This also opened up the possibility of meeting a nice American man ( ) to give her the stability and security of a home life which many women everywhere in the world desire.

She is 18 years my junior and it seems to be a perfect mix of being able to bear me a child, my being able to support us and not too much difference in age that we can enjoy the same activities together.

I insisted they her 5 & 6 yr old boys move in with us and since we have had another child. Our family has a strong bond which was gained thru effort on all our parts. Of course there is all the language and cultural differences that make it even harder but life challenges make it worth living.

As for the OP concern (sorry to go off topic but wanted to also present a positive real life example) as my (step) sons are just about to become teenagers my experience is not applicable to yours mine are allowed 1 hr of games on non-school nights, which is usually only Friday and Saturday, with reasonable exceptions and this privilege is the first thing to be taken away for a punishment which can be for something simple as talking back to either of us. They have chores like feeding the dogs and set the table and do the dishes ever night. They have been taught respect, honesty, responsibility, sharing etc at the same time as English. Now that we can communicate verbally we discuss loftier concepts for them to grow up to be upstanding gentlemen. And we love each other and have the best time together doing all the fun stuff too.

But it really scares me when my 3 yr old wakes up and the first word out of his mouth is "iPad", how all the boys moods change after playing games and within a few hours of "screen stare" their brains don't function the same.

Luckily I had the opportunity to come into their lives early enough to make a difference and be the man in their life that all children can benefit from.

[FolkGuitar]

As a teenager, my parents gave me a very hefty allowance every week.

BUT... I was required to have an after-school job as well. If I did NOT have a job, they wouldn't give me ANY allowance!

I was fortunate growing up. My parents paid for everything... school needs, clothing, everything. Plus they gave me $5 a week for myself, this at a time when my friends were all getting between $1-$3 a week. And if something extra-special came up, such as some event that required expensive tickets or pocket money, my parents never hesitated to give me more... but ONLY if I was working at my after-school job.

When I became old enough to get 'working papers' (I believe that was at age 14 in the US,) I had to work. Perhaps only one or two hours a day, but I had to have a job.

Delivering for a dry cleaning shop, delivering for a butcher shop, Saturday mornings stocking shelves in the corner Deli, etc., etc., etc.

Not sure how this helps OP?

I would have thought it was obvious... The bold text should be a clue.

If I didn't have a job, my parents gave me nothing. So long as I had a job, my parents gave me what ever I needed or wanted.

This boy is being given what he wants without taking any responsibilities on himself. It's up to the Father (in this case) to take a firm stand. He may have to take that stand with the mother as well.

Simple as that.

[LarryBird]

Where is the father?

[FolkGuitar]

Where is the father?

If your question was directed towards me, I apologize for not using the correct term in my posts.

Instead of 'father' I should have said 'the person standing in loco parentis.' In this case, the OP.

But again, I'm pretty sure that you weren't confused by my posts...

Edited July 12, 2015 by FolkGuitar

[LarryBird]

Where is the father?

If your question was directed towards me, I apologize for not using the correct term in my posts.

Instead of 'father' I should have said 'the person standing in loco parentis.' In this case, the OP.

But again, I'm pretty sure that you weren't confused by my posts...

Unsurprisingly, you don't get it. The difference here matters. Whatever OP's relationship is like with the mother is important, and, afaik, he hasn't given many details outside of not liking the kid being on his smartphone all day. After being exposed to many of your posts, we can all appreciate that you can't conceptualize a household different from whatever you were in as a child, but OP has already expressed that he sees the value in the boy getting part time work. Then, you went on to say how much you worked as a kid.

Op has expressed difficulties in even making a conversation of it. This is the difference between being a father and stepfather. Things will also play a part like: has he paid for the house they live in? Are they renting month to month, with him footing the bills? How hot is the mom? Is OP good looking, wealthy, and how is he playing the game in general..

How deep was the snow you walked through on the way to school?

[FolkGuitar]

Where is the father?

If your question was directed towards me, I apologize for not using the correct term in my posts.

Instead of 'father' I should have said 'the person standing in loco parentis.' In this case, the OP.

But again, I'm pretty sure that you weren't confused by my posts...

1.OP has already expressed that he sees the value in the boy getting part time work. Then, you went on to say how much you worked as a kid.

2. Op has expressed difficulties in even making a conversation of it.

3. This is the difference between being a father and stepfather. Things will also play a part like: has he paid for the house they live in? Are they renting month to month, with him footing the bills? How hot is the mom? Is OP good looking, wealthy, and how is he playing the game in general..

1. Yes, he has. And he wondered how he could go about it.. I expressed how MY parents motivated me to do the same, as a suggestion. I guess my writing was too deep for you to follow, despite putting it in bold letters. Looking back, it appears that at least five different people understood what and why I wrote my original post. And a dozen other posters have said basically the very same thing, yet you've gone back almost 50 posts to single out my saying it?

What is your real agenda? Tell me, are you going to look up all my old posts again and press the 'Like' button, the way you did two days ago, just to let me know that you're stalking me?

2. Yes, he did. But that's his problem, not the problem with his relationship with the boy. Life isn't always easy.

In post #26, MaeJoMTB said :

I disagree, You just need to be a man and control the way the leeches live off you, or leave.

It's that easy.

3. You're stating the obvious. Why? We all got it the first time when he made his original post. The OP went on to say that the boy's mother agrees that he should pay his own way, get a job, etc. What are you going on about? Perhaps it's time to increase your meds?

[LarryBird]

Meds? Explain please.

[dru2]

As a teenager, my parents gave me a very hefty allowance every week.

BUT... I was required to have an after-school job as well. If I did NOT have a job, they wouldn't give me ANY allowance!

I was fortunate growing up. My parents paid for everything... school needs, clothing, everything. Plus they gave me $5 a week for myself, this at a time when my friends were all getting between $1-$3 a week. And if something extra-special came up, such as some event that required expensive tickets or pocket money, my parents never hesitated to give me more... but ONLY if I was working at my after-school job.

When I became old enough to get 'working papers' (I believe that was at age 14 in the US,) I had to work. Perhaps only one or two hours a day, but I had to have a job.

Delivering for a dry cleaning shop, delivering for a butcher shop, Saturday mornings stocking shelves in the corner Deli, etc., etc., etc.

The same with me, from age 15.

[FolkGuitar]

As a teenager, my parents gave me a very hefty allowance every week.

BUT... I was required to have an after-school job as well. If I did NOT have a job, they wouldn't give me ANY allowance!

I was fortunate growing up. My parents paid for everything... school needs, clothing, everything. Plus they gave me $5 a week for myself, this at a time when my friends were all getting between $1-$3 a week. And if something extra-special came up, such as some event that required expensive tickets or pocket money, my parents never hesitated to give me more... but ONLY if I was working at my after-school job.

When I became old enough to get 'working papers' (I believe that was at age 14 in the US,) I had to work. Perhaps only one or two hours a day, but I had to have a job.

Delivering for a dry cleaning shop, delivering for a butcher shop, Saturday mornings stocking shelves in the corner Deli, etc., etc., etc.

The same with me, from age 15.

Of course. The same with a dozen others in this thread. It's really not uncommon for parents (or those in positions of loco parentis) to require the children in their care to face responsibility, regardless of the country in which they live or the home situations that exist. Only an fool would think otherwise. Certainly Thailand has its own unique needs, but so does every other country in the world. Each its own special situations.

[FolkGuitar]

To the OP, duckmandon

I'm sure that you love your wife very much. She probably loves her son too. But as you've told us, she recognizes the problems. If you are, as are most (but certainly not all) westerners involved with Thai families, the financial support for the group, it's entirely up to you to set "some" of the rules for how your money is spent. You are not making unreasonable demands, and there is no valid reason why they shouldn't be followed. Your wife needs to support your social decisions just as you support her financially. We've all seen what happens to a marriage/relationship here when the financial support runs out... "Nothing personal, dear, but somebody's got to pay for the rice. Bye." Well, it can be the same when the social support runs out too. You say she says she does. Tell her now is the time to show she does. And if not... "Nothing personal, dear, but...."

Edited July 12, 2015 by FolkGuitar

[Konini]

When I became old enough to get 'working papers' (I believe that was at age 14 in the US,) I had to work. Perhaps only one or two hours a day, but I had to have a job.

Delivering for a dry cleaning shop, delivering for a butcher shop, Saturday mornings stocking shelves in the corner Deli, etc., etc., etc.

The same with me, from age 15.

I got into trouble when I was 14 because I had 3 part time jobs - one was 4 evenings for 3 hours a week, one Saturday for 8 hours and one Sunday also 8 hours. Apparently they made it illegal for an enterprising young person to sweep chimneys. I was very happy, going into town four nights a week to clear tables then hang out with my friends for a while, working in a very cool record shop on Saturday and serving ice creams on Sundays. I enjoyed all of the jobs and had a shed load of money saved up. I had to give up 2 of the jobs; I gave up the Saturday and Sunday job and then worked at least 8 hours both days selling ice cream cash in hand.

It was a lot of hours to be working at that age, but I was a straight A student without trying so my grades didn't suffer. Mam and dad were just happy that I wasn't out on the streets, like a lot of my friends and neighbours, participating in sex and drugs and rock and roll, all 3 of which were very prevalent at my school.

On the other hand, some people just don't want to work. A million excuses, but it comes down to being entitled and lazy. I am of the opinion that OP should work with family to cut the cash flow off completely and see what happens. And change the password on the internet account that you are paying for; don't tell him what it is until he motivates himself to get off his bottom. As I said in a previous post, video games (from the simple Pong to all of these XBox War of Worlds or whatever it is called type games are very addictive. They are designed to initially engage the player and then make it so attractive that the player can become hypnotised by it, lose track of time and reality. How many times have you said 'Just one more game and I'm going to bed'? It is very unlikely but possible that the beginnings of an addiction are there. If that is the case, I would suggest professional help.

I can only wish you good luck. This must be a horrible situation to be in.

[zoza]

I think we have had enough of the when I was a boy I was sailing around the world earning a wage......blah blah . firstly my wifes two girls were expected to continue in school till they were 19

years of age at least, if you did believe it would be of any use you could pay extra and they

could stay in education until they were 27 years of age..no aims no career just pay the school x

amount every term...this is the choice I was informed that was offered by the local school.

as I had already researched the level of education that was usual in rural Thailand I declined

this offer.

my wifes son was a different matter at sixteen after several bad episode's( to this day I'm not

sure the exact circumstances) in which there was pot and whisky and stealing from his mother this

is what I found out and I'm sure there was plenty of things I knew nothing of as my wife did try

and cover for him. about this time he had taken to having a sword in his bedroom so I decided it

had gone as far as I would allow, I told my wife it was me or him and he would have to go and live with daddy in Bangkok, she realized it was serious and he moved out.

for a few years she had it in her head I didn't like him but I explained I didn't like what he did.the 15yr old sailor sending money home to my mother did get told but only to explain to my wife what was normal for boys in the uk.

I have never condoned any spoilt brat behavior since but with him being kept mostly away from me I

could only keep up to what he was doing by what I was told by my wife.and although things were not

great I was pleased that the eldest girl had a decent job in Bangkok and was even paying for education on her day off, and I made sure everyone knew I was supporting her as she was deserving in myeyes the youngest girl seemed ok in school. and now the lad has joined the army, I'm not going to

celebrate just yet but maybe my wife has got the "olly in the hole" as my mate used to say

you can do nothing with out your wifes help and she has to go against the local customs of spoiling all the kids and especially the boys, you have to put your foot down or they will walk all over you but who knows my reports on the lad is he is fit and a nice chocolate color, and that never

harmed anyone + the mother is proud as punch. best of luck.

age

[Rimmer]

Some off topic and bickering posts removed

[sharktooth]

If all 'off-topic' posts were removed from this thread, you'd end up with the o.p and hee haw else. Start with #58 and work your way back...