Meeting The Family...

[tk47]

Ok, ok..... I know..... she gets a man to meet the family and that is a prelude to getting married etc. I have read a lot about that.

But I would seriously like to know if that is normally the case.

Are there any other 'normal' circumstances where a Thai lady just wants a Farang to meet her family?

No, I am not wanting to get married, I am happily divorced myself thanks But I do not want to be put in a difficult situation that may cause problems.

The female in question is 45, divorced with a 20 year old son. Both are working. Her mother is deceased. Her father re-married. She has not asked for money in the months we have been talking. Also she comes from North central Thailand.

[Unknown]

Are there any other 'normal' circumstances where a Thai lady just wants a Farang to meet her family?

What do you mean by 'normal'?

If she wants you to meet her family, it means she thinks she'll get married with you.

If you're not interested, do not meet the family.

Pretty simple actually...

Edited October 6, 2006 by Unknown

[britmaveric]

Are there any other 'normal' circumstances where a Thai lady just wants a Farang to meet her family?

What do you mean by 'normal'?

If she wants you to meet her family, it means she thinks she'll get married with you.

If you're not interested, do not meet the family.

Pretty simple actually...

Spot on - don't meet the family unless you have serious intentions.

[Nam Kao]

When you meet the family hide the wallet, I put my $$ in my sock just to be safe

good luck

nam

[binnsy]

Beware the PIGS HEAD

[G....]

I met my girlfriends family after dating her for 8 months. There where no instances and it was just a regular/normal visit.

Use common sense and if there are any situations where you feel uncomfortable or hassled I would suggest becoming "distant" and fake being dumb.

If you like her, perhaps you should make the effort but it might be easier not to go if you think she has marriage on the cards.

Anyway that's one example of a normal circumstance.

[Totster]

You could always ask her what her intentions are......but wait.. no.. thats too easy, let me think of something more complicated...

totster

[tk47]

Are there any other 'normal' circumstances where a Thai lady just wants a Farang to meet her family?

What do you mean by 'normal'?

If she wants you to meet her family, it means she thinks she'll get married with you.

If you're not interested, do not meet the family.

Pretty simple actually...

Oh Oh. Marriage?

Well, not quite what I had in mind especially as she said that marriage does not interest her.

BUT...... I do realise the implications in that respect and wondered if there were any other reasons why she might want me to meet her family. Especially as we have not yet met face to face.

If I have to be worried, then I will act accordingly.

Being a ?gentleman? I have no wish to put her into a difficult position.

As for keeping my $ / £ in my pocket, or my sock, I intend to do so.

It would have been cool to think she wanted me to meet her family for reasons other than marriage.

As for her being desperate.... at 45 years.... are we not all heading downhill?

[Rajah]

I already met four "mothers in law". So what?

Right, I was told, it is seroius business, when a Thai gf takes you home to her family. Can I believe it?

The first gf left me, the third left me too. The second one I married alright. After divorce I have a new girlfriend and already met mother and daughter. The future will tell if it is serious...

[alexth]

Just get ready to pay for a meal or two, skip the hunt for gifts (cash always does the trick), don't worry about being questioned, you will be left in peace 70% of the time and have fun

[Valjean]

I would agree with everyone that meeting the family is serious. And traditionally it is prelude to marriage. However, this is modern Thailand and you’re a farang. Girls and women have boyfriends, farang and Thai, they have serious relationships, divorce, children outside of marriage, etc. that are to a greater or lesser extent outside the traditional norms. This is Thailand and it’s not a culture of black and white. “Superficial” appearances matter – even if everyone knows what is going on if there is some element of “plausible deniability” it saves everyone some face.

I had a girlfriend where I was serious but not at the marriage state where I spent quite a bit of time with her rural Issan family over a period of two years. When we broke up I realized what a really difficult situation it was for her – people asking about me. This was me at my most ignorant, taking things on face value and in the end I became too close to a family before I was committed. I wouldn’t do this again. I will say it’s one of the most wonderful and enriching experiences I’ve ever had. More on the blog if you're interested. But she paid a high price for this and it was quite regrettable.

I’ve had women I’ve dated, more like “gigs”, who have done selective introductions to individuals their families. One parent, brothers or sisters. In these cases I’ve been really clear about my intentions and our non-future and assume they know what they are doing. And in no case as we went separate ways or see each other less did the issue come up “but you met my family”. If they took a risk or had implications because of this I can’t say. It’s not my impression.

My current girlfriend, (I am serious but not ready to commit), has introduced me to the immediate family. However, she has mentioned that if I were to come to the New Years or Songkran extended family get togethers I should be very serious – as in marriage. Her immediate family knows she has boyfriends and the way of the world today and accept this. If we talk about going our separate ways she does feel a pressure of what to tell the family and friends – she has taken this risk and wants to limit it to those very close to her. It’s one thing to lose face within this small trusted unit, quite another within the extended family of aunts and uncles of higher status, families, etc.

In your situation the best thing is to have a very open and honest talk with your girlfriend. And remember that your western sense of “open and honest” is different than hers. If you ask a direct question and get a direct answer – you shouldn’t accept it necessarily. Maybe ask her to tell you about friends or relations that have brought farangs home and what happened? Approach the subject a few times from a few angles – and listen carefully. Sometimes talking around the issue is a better way to understand it. It wouldn’t surprise me if you asked directly she would tell you not to worry. Then if you talked around the issue some she would tell you some stories of where it has been a problem. When you find yourself in the situation where it has become a problem you’ll think “but she said it was OK” and she will just think “you stupid farang you just don’t listen and understand”.

What do to when you are there? Eat everything, expect to pay for going out, drinks etc. within reason. You are the high status individual in almost all cases so this is expected and gives you good face. Smile!! Even if it’s tough sitting around for hours not understanding anything look like you are having fun. They want to know you – just the language is tough. Play with the kids; they are a great ice breaker, don’t need language to have fun and give you something to do while everyone can relax a little and not worry about you. A small game like hiding 10 baht in one of two hands and playing back and forth is easy to strike up and gets everyone laughing – and gives the kids a good way to abscond with some of your money 

Be careful but have fun – family is the best part of Thailand.

[phibunmike]

You could always ask her what her intentions are......but wait.. no.. thats too easy, let me think of something more complicated...

totster

Totster, that would only be simple if "straight question" = "straight answer"

"Oh nothing, don't seliat, think too much, up to you"

[Beavis and Butthead]

It all sounds like a nitemare to me which is why I've avoided it in 4 years of a live in gf. She has pushed and pushed and is hugely upset at each thwarted attempts. I'm glued to Bangkok and am not budging myself to be placed in a precarious family situation in the land of floor sitting, squat toilets, cold showers, face obsession, sleep mats and Kwais. Nope thank you anyway. I'll just have to endure another crying session about how I look down on her family and how she loses face when she goes again for her 12th visit during our time together. I'm going to leave this culture family interaction and committment for other farangs. Leave me out of it

[Maizefarmer]

I met my future father-in-law after 7 months after he was told by the future wife (who said nothing about out relationship - how she kept a straight face with her father I'll never understand) that she knew a farang who was very good at installing high rise pumping systems - it turned out to be my first civil service contract in Bangkok and the start of a 15 year working relationship with a certain government department (I'm not saying which).

Tim

[tk47]

I would agree with everyone that meeting the family is serious. And traditionally it is prelude to marriage. However, this is modern Thailand and you’re a farang. Girls and women have boyfriends, farang and Thai, they have serious relationships, divorce, children outside of marriage, etc. that are to a greater or lesser extent outside the traditional norms. This is Thailand and it’s not a culture of black and white. “Superficial” appearances matter – even if everyone knows what is going on if there is some element of “plausible deniability” it saves everyone some face.

I had a girlfriend where I was serious but not at the marriage state where I spent quite a bit of time with her rural Issan family over a period of two years. When we broke up I realized what a really difficult situation it was for her – people asking about me. This was me at my most ignorant, taking things on face value and in the end I became too close to a family before I was committed. I wouldn’t do this again. I will say it’s one of the most wonderful and enriching experiences I’ve ever had. More on the blog if you're interested. But she paid a high price for this and it was quite regrettable.

I’ve had women I’ve dated, more like “gigs”, who have done selective introductions to individuals their families. One parent, brothers or sisters. In these cases I’ve been really clear about my intentions and our non-future and assume they know what they are doing. And in no case as we went separate ways or see each other less did the issue come up “but you met my family”. If they took a risk or had implications because of this I can’t say. It’s not my impression.

My current girlfriend, (I am serious but not ready to commit), has introduced me to the immediate family. However, she has mentioned that if I were to come to the New Years or Songkran extended family get togethers I should be very serious – as in marriage. Her immediate family knows she has boyfriends and the way of the world today and accept this. If we talk about going our separate ways she does feel a pressure of what to tell the family and friends – she has taken this risk and wants to limit it to those very close to her. It’s one thing to lose face within this small trusted unit, quite another within the extended family of aunts and uncles of higher status, families, etc.

In your situation the best thing is to have a very open and honest talk with your girlfriend. And remember that your western sense of “open and honest” is different than hers. If you ask a direct question and get a direct answer – you shouldn’t accept it necessarily. Maybe ask her to tell you about friends or relations that have brought farangs home and what happened? Approach the subject a few times from a few angles – and listen carefully. Sometimes talking around the issue is a better way to understand it. It wouldn’t surprise me if you asked directly she would tell you not to worry. Then if you talked around the issue some she would tell you some stories of where it has been a problem. When you find yourself in the situation where it has become a problem you’ll think “but she said it was OK” and she will just think “you stupid farang you just don’t listen and understand”.

What do to when you are there? Eat everything, expect to pay for going out, drinks etc. within reason. You are the high status individual in almost all cases so this is expected and gives you good face. Smile!! Even if it’s tough sitting around for hours not understanding anything look like you are having fun. They want to know you – just the language is tough. Play with the kids; they are a great ice breaker, don’t need language to have fun and give you something to do while everyone can relax a little and not worry about you. A small game like hiding 10 baht in one of two hands and playing back and forth is easy to strike up and gets everyone laughing – and gives the kids a good way to abscond with some of your money 

Be careful but have fun – family is the best part of Thailand.

That is very interesting and helpful. Gives a good and broad view of the situation and will help me (and hopefully others) understand better what is going on and also how to deal with it better.

I like the comment about - However, this is modern Thailand and you’re a farang -

She has said, 'Don't worry. I will help you.' But that in itself can make you worry LOL.

Now I will feel more at ease to meet her family and how to talk to her about it.

I am not so insensitive that I want to go there and make a fool of myself or of her, or to refuse, after it seems she has already told her parents she is bringing me to meet them.

For all the other comments on this topic also, thanks for the input, I will take on board what is said. It is cool to see others willing to help a newbie in Thailand.

[mark henry]

It all sounds like a nitemare to me which is why I've avoided it in 4 years of a live in gf. She has pushed and pushed and is hugely upset at each thwarted attempts. I'm glued to Bangkok and am not budging myself to be placed in a precarious family situation in the land of floor sitting, squat toilets, cold showers, face obsession, sleep mats and Kwais. Nope thank you anyway. I'll just have to endure another crying session about how I look down on her family and how she loses face when she goes again for her 12th visit during our time together. I'm going to leave this culture family interaction and committment for other farangs. Leave me out of it

Agree with the above. The wife, Son and me off to Thailand November, although i'm looking forward to it it does intail hours of sitting in the family home in BKK getting bitten to death, squating on the floor in what they call a house (thrown together mix of brick, wood & corricated metal), dirty smelly squat loo, cat, chicken & rabbit shit every where (animals roam free in her neighbour-hood) and listening to that awful high pitch talking the women make...God i hate it!!

[dgoz]

Here's a turn up.

I actually asked my gf if I could visit her family.

Dating for 9 months and we've travelled together, to the bemusement of her family I think, and plan on travelling a bit more in the future and since she's a conservative girl from a conservative family I thought it would put her family at ease to meet the guy who's taking their daughter to other countries.

I like the Thai culture and I'm enjoying trying to fit in, but I'm a farang and just maybe they'll have to accept that as well.

At the risk of sounding arrogant, I think their daughter will have a better life with me than with 99% of Thai guys she would meet, and while it's definitely not a case of my way or the highway, I am the man with the money and the choice here, so I'll do it mostly my way.

So I'm not nervous or worried about what might or might not happen on the visit or the repercussions of such, just looking forward to a great experience. And if we stay together, fantastic. If not, that's life.

I think a lot of us Farangs worry too much about what the Thais think or expect. I think most of them are a little more flexible and inderstanding than we think. Just my opinion, of course.

[lannarebirth]

I would agree with everyone that meeting the family is serious. And traditionally it is prelude to marriage. However, this is modern Thailand and you’re a farang. Girls and women have boyfriends, farang and Thai, they have serious relationships, divorce, children outside of marriage, etc. that are to a greater or lesser extent outside the traditional norms. This is Thailand and it’s not a culture of black and white. “Superficial” appearances matter – even if everyone knows what is going on if there is some element of “plausible deniability” it saves everyone some face.

I had a girlfriend where I was serious but not at the marriage state where I spent quite a bit of time with her rural Issan family over a period of two years. When we broke up I realized what a really difficult situation it was for her – people asking about me. This was me at my most ignorant, taking things on face value and in the end I became too close to a family before I was committed. I wouldn’t do this again. I will say it’s one of the most wonderful and enriching experiences I’ve ever had. More on the blog if you're interested. But she paid a high price for this and it was quite regrettable.

I’ve had women I’ve dated, more like “gigs”, who have done selective introductions to individuals their families. One parent, brothers or sisters. In these cases I’ve been really clear about my intentions and our non-future and assume they know what they are doing. And in no case as we went separate ways or see each other less did the issue come up “but you met my family”. If they took a risk or had implications because of this I can’t say. It’s not my impression.

My current girlfriend, (I am serious but not ready to commit), has introduced me to the immediate family. However, she has mentioned that if I were to come to the New Years or Songkran extended family get togethers I should be very serious – as in marriage. Her immediate family knows she has boyfriends and the way of the world today and accept this. If we talk about going our separate ways she does feel a pressure of what to tell the family and friends – she has taken this risk and wants to limit it to those very close to her. It’s one thing to lose face within this small trusted unit, quite another within the extended family of aunts and uncles of higher status, families, etc.

In your situation the best thing is to have a very open and honest talk with your girlfriend. And remember that your western sense of “open and honest” is different than hers. If you ask a direct question and get a direct answer – you shouldn’t accept it necessarily. Maybe ask her to tell you about friends or relations that have brought farangs home and what happened? Approach the subject a few times from a few angles – and listen carefully. Sometimes talking around the issue is a better way to understand it. It wouldn’t surprise me if you asked directly she would tell you not to worry. Then if you talked around the issue some she would tell you some stories of where it has been a problem. When you find yourself in the situation where it has become a problem you’ll think “but she said it was OK” and she will just think “you stupid farang you just don’t listen and understand”.

What do to when you are there? Eat everything, expect to pay for going out, drinks etc. within reason. You are the high status individual in almost all cases so this is expected and gives you good face. Smile!! Even if it’s tough sitting around for hours not understanding anything look like you are having fun. They want to know you – just the language is tough. Play with the kids; they are a great ice breaker, don’t need language to have fun and give you something to do while everyone can relax a little and not worry about you. A small game like hiding 10 baht in one of two hands and playing back and forth is easy to strike up and gets everyone laughing – and gives the kids a good way to abscond with some of your money 

Be careful but have fun – family is the best part of Thailand.

Hi Valjean,

Where does " serious but not ready to commit " fall in the spectrum between "can you find your own way out?" and "till death us do part" ? TIA

[Valjean]

Hi Valjean,

Where does " serious but not ready to commit " fall in the spectrum between "can you find your own way out?" and "till death us do part" ? TIA

Clearly between those two I'd say for me in this case closer to "till death do us part" - much closer. But in the end it just didn't make the bar.

[a2396]

Meeting the family may or may not be a serious encounter. It depends on the context of your relationship. I met with the family, and many of the relatives , of a lady that I am desiring a close relationship. I would not call her a girlfriend yet, but I do provide her with some "upkeeep" because she is one of the most significant women I have met in my life. I think the family meeting was intended so they could "size me up" and so I could see and understand the circumstances under which they live. This was just a day visit and no requests for money were made to me or expected. But, this was not a situation of making an anouncement of marriage, which is quite another matter.