How To Say Goodby

[bluedragon]

Ladies and Gentlemen, here's the scenerio.

Married 20 yrs..your idea, and wifes idea about many things in not the same anymore. You fight occasionally about stupid stuff.

You really don't care anymore, and you realized about 3 yrs ago that you love her, but you are not in love with her.

How do you say goodby?

[jingjoe]

You tell her...

"I'm going to try very hard to rekindle our marrage over the next 3 months, will you help me?... or should we just get a divorce NOW?"

[jdinasia]

~~~Just get on the bus Gus ~~~

[Farma]

First protect your assets, then decide if it's what you really want to do, then tell her.......

[Casanundra]

If she is Thai, then I would just do a midnight run and send her an SMS and let her file for divorce on abandonment that way she won't be able to chase after you with an axe...

If she is a foreign woman then discreetly transfer your asserts offshore, sell everything you can and run before the divorce courts catch up with you...

Or you could do the Monty Python sketch and say out loud:

"stand up all those with a husband"

then when she stands up say tell her to sit down again and hope she gets the subtle message

[LaReina]

Not that it matters but is she farang or thai? Just curious.

There is no really good way to say goodbye. You have a lot of years together and no doubt a lot of happy times and memories to go with it. You say you love her, but are no longer "in love" with her. Is there someone else in the picture?

If there is no-one else, do you want to try and fall back in love with her? Or are you really ready to toss in the towel and start your life again? Twenty years of "to have and to hold" and "for better or for worse" these are the worse times. Are the things you no longer like about her correctable? Would a trial separation to find yourselves be better?

I think JingJoes approach might be the best. But I think you might want to try and talk it out first in a serious manner.. and if she is not willing to compromise.. then tell her.. she no longer makes you happy.

There really is no easy way.

You are not my husband are you??

[Chang_paarp]

You could try what my Ex did.

Pick her up from work and tell her to put her bag in the boot (trunk for the US folk) and let her discover the packed suit case in the boot.

I took the hint.

[VanZam]

I would first secure my assets before bringing the topic up.

Discuss the problems with her making sure to point out that happiness is most important for all parties concerned, you are currently not very happy, and more importantly, not in love with her.

Make it clear that it nobody is to blame for this, and you have grown apart and have taken different directions in life.

Above all, remain calm and collected, try to avoid leaving the marriage with any ill feelings or regret.

Before writing off such a major relationship I'd suggest some time apart to think things through... Perhaps a holiday at a nice beach is in order. It often changes your view on things by changing your surroundings for a while.

Best of luck,

Van.

[LaReina]

Actually after 20 yrs instead of growing apart you should have grown together. At this point you both know each other to the point that nothing either of you do should be a sore point let alone enough to make you fight. It should roll off as you are so USED to each other.

Maybe one or both of you have some other underlaying issues that you have not talked about, or keep pushing under the carpet or plain just do not know how to broach. Maybe if you can find out the real root of your fights, then you will be able to return to a more loving period of your life.

Ohh and has she started menopause? You say her idea of things is not the same anymore.. could she have a chemical imbalance? I am being serious here. Could there be something affecting her brain. In which case, maybe she just needs some treatment.

Edited October 20, 2006 by LaReina

[Maizefarmer]

BLUEDRAGON

Lighthearted comments aside, I too have been married to a Thai a long time - close on 20 years as well.

Havent been in that position myself so asked the other half what she thought would be appropriate - she reckons after 20 years if you are struggling to communicate something like that, then just how the hel_l have you kept it together for so long?

It's probebrly why its not working - you both havent learnt to communicate with each other.

Its a common "problem" in Thai/Farang relationships, and interestingly (& ironically) is often why cross-cultural relationships do actually last so long in the first place: it takes so long for the 2 partners to get to know one another and manage to get under each others skin so to speak - and then when they eventually do, instead of been able to understand how to deal with the problems, the sudden realisation that they now know one another becomes the death knoll to the relationship.

Sorry mate - if this has taken 20 years to come to light, I don't think it makes much differance how you go about it - the result is going to be the same.

If your question is a wind up. wel you may like to bare it in mind for the future, but if this genuinely the case and you want to talk about it - PM me your email address and we can discuss it away from the forum.

Tim

Edited October 20, 2006 by Maizefarmer

[jdinasia]

Midlife crisis? etc etc ? "To thine own self be true" Get to know your real reasons before you jump one way or another!

But most of the advice here is moot ..... since you apparently have a GF in Thailand already? Hate to say it ... but a real man ends one relationship fully before starting another one!

Edited October 20, 2006 by jdinasia

[Noel]

If you are serious and are sure you cannot salvage your marriage (or are sure you do not want to try), cover your arse financially as best you can before even broaching the subject.

Then, remember the words: 'He*ll hath no fury like a woman scorned' and the instructions normally printed on fireworks...

[lannarebirth]

Married 20 yrs..your idea, and wifes idea about many things in not the same anymore.

You mean she's not as keen on the TGF in college you're wiring money too?

[meemiathai]

I think the word is "lar gon", or "sawadeekhrup" will also do.

Not sure though, better ask those who speak better thai than i do.

[bina]

i have to admit,

divorced after 20 yrs, cross cultural marriage as maizefarmer puts it; actually, after three/four years kind of knew it wastn it, but somehow life was ok more or less and then kids, and etc so we just plodded along . 20 yrs later, we parted ways : different ideas, no longer had same goals, rows every day about socks in the living room, cap on the toothpaste; did the counselling routine etc.

eventually parted. now each has new partner, and both wonder why we waited so long in the first place. but there is still a difference between love, in love and just caring. i dont love my ex, i never was really in love with him looking back on it now. i care about him just as the father of my children and as a person.

if u still love her, u'd better sit down and think things thru really carefully. and a fight here and there is not a major problem, its what lies under the fights (cold war?)

sexual passion does let up a bit later in life, and what is left is the real caring love etc. which surprisingly enough is why so many matchmaker marriages last (i'm in country which does this and i see many happy marrieages made this way... they learn to work on many levels as a couple, and the love blossoms along the way)

just random comments from a woman's point of view

bina

[GuestHouse]

Start by reading this post before you go getting ideas that The Grass Is Always Greener

As for the suggestions of moving assets offshore.

Well I guess that's to be expected here.

[edit] link fixed

Edited October 20, 2006 by GuestHouse

[Rumourz]

I felt truly sorry for your wife. She has spend a good 20 years with you and after 20 years, you are thinking about "how to say goodbye"... don't you have any feelings? it is so much easy for the men to say "Goodbye" or even walked off silently without words. Men can always find another yonger woman anytime, any age. But it is a down side for the ladies, spending 20 years with the same guy, spent all her youth with you. Poor her...

I wish you could reconsider... reconcile maybe go somewhere for another honeymoon... spending some days away from the familiar crowd and relative?

[kayo]

I htink this sort of thing is why they introduced the waiiting time for buying guns isn't it.

The chap prpobably got over his anger by now.

[PeaceBlondie]

Blue Dragon, seriously - could you give us some more details, please? You don't say much at all, and this makes about 18 replies to your sketchy original post. I looked at your last 24 replies on ThaiVisa, and can't figure out if you're US military stationed in Japan, with a wife somewhere and a girlfriend in Japan or Thailand. Care to clarify?

I was married 20 years, and woke up one day to realize that first of all, my wife had done a lousy job of doing the three major tasks I asked her to do. Second, she'd become a freaky pentecostal. Third, she still didn't have male anatomy. Once I realized those three problems, the marriage was irreconciliable, but she's still a great friend.

[Boo]

I think you should discuss with your wife so that "she" can secure her assets too. Why do so many of you assume that any assets are just the husbands? Did the wife not contribute to the marraige, life, house at all? No? Maybe she worked & her money went to pay the bills etc, maybe she stayed home & raised the kids, cooked dinner, cleaned his clothes etc. Whatever, after 20 years of married life she is entitled to a share of any assets & child support if there are stil minors involved. If the op starts sending any assets offshore to prevent her from getting what she is legally & morally entitled to then I hope she gets a ###### good lawyer.

If you want to try to improve the relationship then go to a therapist or organisation like relate, maybe you both need to do something to add the spice back to your marriage.

What ever happens though, give her the respect that 20 years of marriage warrants & at least let her know that you think there is a problem.

[LaReina]

True story.

Woman is working on her masters degree and meets a man and begins to date him. They fall in love. His education ended after high school. He is a blue collar worker. His dream was always to be a medical Dr.. They get married, she gets pregnant and with her encouragement he goes to University completes his bachelors takes his MCAT and gets into Medical school. She on the other hand dropped out of her program and was working full time to support her husband and raise a family because he could not go to school and work at the same time. We all know money does not grow on trees.

He becomes a Dr. and they now have a family of I think 3 kids, and she is now a house wife. He meets a young nurse and decides his plain looking wife (and believe you me, she was really plain looking) is no longer someone he wants to spend his life with and proceeds to divorce her.

I have no idea what kind of lawyer she hired or if she did hire one. The Judge.. who amazingly enough was a man, awarded her half of his degree. As in half of his MD degree.

According to him, the Dr. most likely would never have become a Dr, and she most likely would never have put her education and career on hold, if they had not married. In his eyes, she was entitled to half of his degree .. as in .. she was entitled to half of his earnings.. for the rest of his life.

Now.. did he contest it? And did the verdict uphold? I have no idea.. the article stopped at the judgment.

But.. my point is as Boo said.. for those of you so quick to run and hide assets, you have no idea what sacrifices the TWO of them made for the well being of their marriage.

I am not saying anyone deserves to be wiped clean in a divorce, I am just saying that a lot of times, people forget what things the other half did.

[jdinasia]

when the guy's already got a new GF ..... he's gonna lose a lot .... oh well!

Edited October 20, 2006 by jdinasia

[meemiathai]

In reality, most men just think of their wives as one of their assets.

Does she make me happy? No? Dump her then.

On the contrary, if the woman thinks if this man will make me happy, she is not the right person.

Selfish people!

[NovaBlue05]

Blue Dragon, seriously - could you give us some more details, please? You don't say much at all, and this makes about 18 replies to your sketchy original post.

Perhaps he just realized how ridiculous it is to seek answers to such a personal question from a forum full of strangers

[GuestHouse]

Perhaps he just realized how ridiculous it is to seek answers to such a personal question from a forum full of strangers

With a clear emphasis in the 'Strange'

[britmaveric]

Tell her... and obviously you will do the right thing by her. If you love her but aren't in love with her.

[Mr Jones]

Same happened to me, I knew my marriage was past redemption, tried talking to her to no avail.

So I opened a new bank account took out a huge loan on my/our house, I knew she was taking advice from a solicitor, I also knew that the only reason for in the UK is un-reconcilable breakdown of marriage, we where not arguing ore anything we just had nothing left.

Filled my case with what I needed got in my car and just fcuked off.

That was over 20 years ago no seen hide nor heir of her since

[lollipop]

If marriage doesn't work for you anymore, you can't be its hostage.

But what you can do to solve it amicably, divorce is a bitter thing already and i'm sure you want to have a clear conscience later on, that is actully what you can never get rid off.

You still can be a friend and a caring person to your other half, just simply because you have shared so many things with her through such a long period and it's merely impossible to wipe them off. Just answer yourself does the pain, disappointment, frastration, devastation, anger costs any money? And most of all how do you want to carry your life later on? Will your other woman understand your divorce behaviour?

[Donz]

You need to talk to her about it and try to work things our. If nothing can be done then you 2 should come to an agreement that its over, if she wont talk about it then just tell her its over and pack your bags.

She will get the message.

Good luck with things, it must be hard

[The Skipper]

Say you are gay.

That's what I should have done...