Question for expats whose wife or partner has children from a previous relationship

[stander]

Have you been able to have a positive impact on your wife’s/partners children from a previous relationship?

[sas_cars]

IMHO, I don't think a farang step dad will be taken seriously by the thai children most of the times. High probability they'll be mostly seen as only cash providers.

[lovelomsak]

I feel I made a very positive impact on the son. When i met my wife the son was in the lowest class in school.> he did not study thought when he finished mat 6 he would go work on the farm and catch frogs.

Now he has 1 year to go at Rangsit university and he will be a medical technician.He met a new gf. Her parents direct the McCormack hospital in Chiang Rai and the Overbrook in Chaing Mai. When graduated he has a job already

If not for me he would be working on the farm,and be dating a pig farmer.

A really good part is he has matured so much with the new chances in life.He has become a very thoughtful and caring young man.He was bright enough to see opportunity and not abuse it.

The daughter is another story.

Edited March 18, 2016 by lovelomsak

[benalibina]

I feel I made a very positive impact on the son. When i met my wife the son was in the lowest class in school.> he did not study thought when he finished mat 6 he would go work on the farm and catch frogs.

Now he has 1 year to go at Rangsit university and he will be a medical technician.He met a new gf. Her parents direct the McCormack hospital in Chiang Rai and the Overbrook in Chaing Mai. When graduated he has a job already

If not for me he would be working on the farm,and be dating a pig farmer.

A really good part is he has matured so much with the new chances in life.He has become a very thoughtful and caring young man.He was bright enough to see opportunity and not abuse it.

The daughter is another story.

What about the mother's role in your willingness to try to have an impact on his educational life ?

Was/is his natural father in the picture ?

[ThiAmo]

Maybe the OP could enlighten us please on his exact contribution to this remarkable changement of attitude of the youngster?

[ljd1308]

I like to think I have, but part of the fears I haven't....

My stepson was 18 months when I met him and is 5 now(so not a long period), previously he was living with his grandparents in the village.

He is now living with my wife, our daughter and myself in Pattaya. He is going to an International school and is progressing well.

From my point of view, if he stayed in the village he probably would have dropped out of school as early as possible and have a careers choice of either being a rice farmer or the village drunk. Most likely would never have left the village. Now he has a world of opportunities at a good school and the chance to travel the world. I have also brought discipline to his world which was severely lacking before. He is also quite happy here now after some teething issues.

However, from his point of view.....I have taken him from his loving grandparents(who treated him as grandparents do....spoiling him and never saying "no"), taken him from his friends and generally turned his life upside down. And who am I to say he needs to leave the village for the opportunities? He could be perfectly happy as a rice farmer.

Long term I think it will be good for him, but ultimately I don't really know and the most important thing is his happiness.....which he is now(I hope)

[lovelomsak]

I feel I made a very positive impact on the son. When i met my wife the son was in the lowest class in school.> he did not study thought when he finished mat 6 he would go work on the farm and catch frogs.

Now he has 1 year to go at Rangsit university and he will be a medical technician.He met a new gf. Her parents direct the McCormack hospital in Chiang Rai and the Overbrook in Chaing Mai. When graduated he has a job already

If not for me he would be working on the farm,and be dating a pig farmer.

A really good part is he has matured so much with the new chances in life.He has become a very thoughtful and caring young man.He was bright enough to see opportunity and not abuse it.

The daughter is another story.

What about the mother's role in your willingness to try to have an impact on his educational life ?

Was/is his natural father in the picture ?

Mother wanted son have education,but worked for 7900 baht a month when I met her. she couldnot even feed herself and family some days. Her Thai husband gave nothing to the home.. Her help was purely supportive emotionally.

The father is a drunk. Since i came into the picture, he has not even bothered to call,he does not care about his children.He has contributed nothing. Not even his time to call.Son wants nothing to do with natural father.Daughter loves her father and hates me totally opposite.

[1FinickyOne]

So far, so good - we are raising a 10 year old niece - I take care of the school, picking her up everyday, deal with all administration there... and yes, she is turning into a delightful, considerate and appreciative young lady... unusual for a kid her age... she is a good kid and has little or no interest in her birth parents... she has lived with us since she was an infant... and yes, I feel my wife and I have both had a very positive effect on her.

If any letdown, I could have taught her more English growing up, but with so many Thai people here, Thai is the language of our family compound.

[does]

I think you can - and should. I helped my wife's daughter get through difficult puberty years with "fatherly" advice. At 14 she seemed a lost cause but she is now studying to be a nurse.

[happy Joe]

The young son of my wife now lives in our house. I drive him every morning at the school of Sansai for my greatest pleasure. I have time for him, more than for my own children and this benefits everyone. For example, we spend 5 minutes every day to learn English and so I'm improving a little.

A scabrous detail anyway, the father never paid child support. So I funded a trial that my wife won. The judge (Proupipaksa) condemned this scoundrel to pay a few thousand baht each month in addition to 3 years late.

At home, roles are well defined. Mom take care, and Daddy play. Each is clearly pleased that period.

Long as it lasts

[ThiAmo]

Maybe the OP could enlighten us please on his exact contribution to this remarkable changement of attitude of the youngster?

Sorry, I meant if LOVELOMSAK could enlighten me on this.

How did you manage to get the confidence and friendship of him?

Thanks.

[Just1Voice]

My now adopted son was 24 when I met his mother, so I naturally had some concerns. But for me, things couldn't have worked out better. 4 years ago I asked him if I could legally adopt him, to which he readily agreed. But he took it a step further. After the adoption papers had been signed, he asked his mother and I to wait outside. He came out about 15 minutes later and showed me his new Thai ID. He had legally changed his last name to mine. Later, when asked about why he had a farang last name, he told them "I did it to respect the man who is my father". He wants nothing to do with his natural father, who is a bum who has had 3 different wives and half a dozen kids, and hasn't had a steady job in decades. He has told his friends that his farang father is better than 90% of the Thai fathers he knows.

My wife lamented to me just a couple of weeks ago, that if she asks him to do something, he wants to know why, and may or may not agree with her, but if I ask him to do something, he does it without hesitation. She says her son loves me more than he loves her, to which I just have to laugh. He's working on his Master's degree, and I'm helping him with that financially. He told me last week, "Dad, one of these days I will pay you back every stang you have spent to help me. I promise." I told him that's not necessary, but for him to use his education wisely.

I also have a niece who has no problem telling people I'm her "real father", and I call her my daughter. Shes an honors law student now at Mae Fah Luang, and won't let a day go by without talking to me 2-3 times a day to let me know how things are going.

So, have I had an impact? Yeah, I think so.

[RigPig]

Definately!!

The boy has a new motorbike with all the fancy trimmings, All of his girl friends have gold necklaces, He is "the leader of the pack" in the village! He owns the latest I Phone and Xbox. He is now learning to use a lathe at metal work and I believe his first project (a gun) is coming along nicely.

The daughter is learning English so that she can converse with the Farang in Pattaya and Phuket. Her cousin has a job lined up for her as cashier in a bar 12,000 Baht a month with food and lodging. This should give her 10,000 Baht to send home to Mom.

My wife has been "saving" money from the house keeping allowance, and giving it to her Ex, so he too is doing well. Apparently he is quite popular around the Karaoke bars, he has lots of new friends (both male and female).

Oh and I forgot the extension to the brother in laws house, that's coming along slowly but he seems to have it all under control, he handles all the workers, and building material purchases. He is quite resourceful.

It does put a strain on my pension though but if I go without a few little luxuries we seem to manage OK......

Ufortunately I can't get them to teach me Thai / Lao, so the conversations are still a bit limited in the house, but I seem to get on OK when I go down to the SALA and drink Archer beer and Lao Khao with all my Thai friends.

I would say not only has the family benefited but the whole village to some degree.

[Jonathon]

It very much depends on the kid and their intelligence. In my experience it might also be gender related. My Thai step daughters (now grown up) accepted me from the start. They were keen to learn, became fluent in English within around 3 months for the youngest (more limited vocabulary of course) and around 6 months for the eldest. Both completed their education in the UK.

My present stepson who lives with us (10 y.o.) is a real PITA. Lazy, slow to learn and cannot even recite the alphabet after around 2 years trying to teach him. I despair that he will ever gain enough knowledge or skills to support himself.

So it all depends on the kid and how he/she has been brought up prior to your knowing him/her. Also I think too many here are left in the care of grandparents who don't give a fig about education.

[RigPig]

It very much depends on the kid and their intelligence. In my experience it might also be gender related. My Thai step daughters (now grown up) accepted me from the start. They were keen to learn, became fluent in English within around 3 months for the youngest (more limited vocabulary of course) and around 6 months for the eldest. Both completed their education in the UK.

My present stepson who lives with us (10 y.o.) is a real PITA. Lazy, slow to learn and cannot even recite the alphabet after around 2 years trying to teach him. I despair that he will ever gain enough knowledge or skills to support himself.

So it all depends on the kid and how he/she has been brought up prior to your knowing him/her. Also I think too many here are left in the care of grandparents who don't give a fig about education.

So if the girls will be able to support Mom and the grand parents, why should he support himself, after all he has the girls,... and you for that!!

[lovelomsak]

Maybe the OP could enlighten us please on his exact contribution to this remarkable changement of attitude of the youngster?

Sorry, I meant if LOVELOMSAK could enlighten me on this.

How did you manage to get the confidence and friendship of him?

Thanks.

Unconditional love.

[Jonathon]

It very much depends on the kid and their intelligence. In my experience it might also be gender related. My Thai step daughters (now grown up) accepted me from the start. They were keen to learn, became fluent in English within around 3 months for the youngest (more limited vocabulary of course) and around 6 months for the eldest. Both completed their education in the UK.

My present stepson who lives with us (10 y.o.) is a real PITA. Lazy, slow to learn and cannot even recite the alphabet after around 2 years trying to teach him. I despair that he will ever gain enough knowledge or skills to support himself.

So it all depends on the kid and how he/she has been brought up prior to your knowing him/her. Also I think too many here are left in the care of grandparents who don't give a fig about education.

So if the girls will be able to support Mom and the grand parents, why should he support himself, after all he has the girls,... and you for that!!

Don't worry, he will not be enjoying a lazy life at my expense and the girls are unlikely to return here.

[uthaithanirules]

Maybe the OP could enlighten us please on his exact contribution to this remarkable changement of attitude of the youngster?

Lol exactly, financial assistance would make the most impact anyway. Kids are going to turn out however they are going to turn out, most of those personality traits are written in the genome, copied from parents or grandparents. Anything else really comes from social skills with other kids when they are young.

Any parent, that thinks his or her influence is anything beyond stability....well, its nice to wish

[nuananddon]

you can take the child out of Thailand but you can't take Thailand out of the child!

[RigPig]

It very much depends on the kid and their intelligence. In my experience it might also be gender related. My Thai step daughters (now grown up) accepted me from the start. They were keen to learn, became fluent in English within around 3 months for the youngest (more limited vocabulary of course) and around 6 months for the eldest. Both completed their education in the UK.

My present stepson who lives with us (10 y.o.) is a real PITA. Lazy, slow to learn and cannot even recite the alphabet after around 2 years trying to teach him. I despair that he will ever gain enough knowledge or skills to support himself.

So it all depends on the kid and how he/she has been brought up prior to your knowing him/her. Also I think too many here are left in the care of grandparents who don't give a fig about education.

So if the girls will be able to support Mom and the grand parents, why should he support himself, after all he has the girls,... and you for that!!

Don't worry, he will not be enjoying a lazy life at my expense and the girls are unlikely to return here.

DON'T forget the "internal" pecking order, that WILL be beyond your control!! It is as strong as the blood ties, you will NEVER understand it....... Thainess.....

[Farang99]

I feel I made a very positive impact on the son. When i met my wife the son was in the lowest class in school.> he did not study thought when he finished mat 6 he would go work on the farm and catch frogs.

Now he has 1 year to go at Rangsit university and he will be a medical technician.He met a new gf. Her parents direct the McCormack hospital in Chiang Rai and the Overbrook in Chaing Mai. When graduated he has a job already

If not for me he would be working on the farm,and be dating a pig farmer.

A really good part is he has matured so much with the new chances in life.He has become a very thoughtful and caring young man.He was bright enough to see opportunity and not abuse it.

The daughter is another story.

My stepson was 11 when I met his mother, with no expectations of anything. He has since completed Mor 6, graduated from university, got a decently paying job and is married and buying his own house.

[RigPig]

Don't misunderstand me, I have tried many times, at my own expense. But all with my eyes open. I do believe "if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day, if you teach a man a fish you feed him for life"

Apart from the fact the majority don't want to learn, better themselves or have any REAL ambition to advance themselves! It just upsets the status quo, it goes beyond sleeping together and tomorrows somtam. They ALL want the new latest I Phone, I Pad and motorbike. It's a face thing. But if they ACTUALLY have to do something to get them then why go with a Farang? Do you honestly think they have pictures of short, fat old Farangs on their bedroom walls as teenagers?

When the Farang wants changes, they appear to go along with it, but it tends to "upset the apple cart".....

Do you think the whole village isn't talking about the Farang, you don't exactly fit in, and NEVER will!!

Thailand is for Thais.............

[RigPig]

I feel I made a very positive impact on the son. When i met my wife the son was in the lowest class in school.> he did not study thought when he finished mat 6 he would go work on the farm and catch frogs.

Now he has 1 year to go at Rangsit university and he will be a medical technician.He met a new gf. Her parents direct the McCormack hospital in Chiang Rai and the Overbrook in Chaing Mai. When graduated he has a job already

If not for me he would be working on the farm,and be dating a pig farmer.

A really good part is he has matured so much with the new chances in life.He has become a very thoughtful and caring young man.He was bright enough to see opportunity and not abuse it.

The daughter is another story.

My stepson was 11 when I met his mother, with no expectations of anything. He has since completed Mor 6, graduated from university, got a decently paying job and is married and buying his own house.

I am glad to hear it, there are exceptions to ever rule.....

GOOD LUCK with it all I wish you every success!!

[smotherb]

IMHO, I don't think a farang step dad will be taken seriously by the thai children most of the times. High probability they'll be mostly seen as only cash providers.

Spoken like a typical TV poster; no-doubt originating in the same monetary-relationship mentality.

Children seek parental love and flourish in it. If you will be the father, instead of just an ATM machine, things will work out much better. However, the problem may be what the wife/gf actually thinks of you. If the child's mother treats you as nothing more than a long-term customer and ATM; what is the poor child to think?

[smotherb]

I feel I made a very positive impact on the son. When i met my wife the son was in the lowest class in school.> he did not study thought when he finished mat 6 he would go work on the farm and catch frogs.

Now he has 1 year to go at Rangsit university and he will be a medical technician.He met a new gf. Her parents direct the McCormack hospital in Chiang Rai and the Overbrook in Chaing Mai. When graduated he has a job already

If not for me he would be working on the farm,and be dating a pig farmer.

A really good part is he has matured so much with the new chances in life.He has become a very thoughtful and caring young man.He was bright enough to see opportunity and not abuse it.

The daughter is another story.

Good on you lovelomsak, you must have shown him your really cared.

[smotherb]

Maybe the OP could enlighten us please on his exact contribution to this remarkable changement of attitude of the youngster?

Lol exactly, financial assistance would make the most impact anyway. Kids are going to turn out however they are going to turn out, most of those personality traits are written in the genome, copied from parents or grandparents. Anything else really comes from social skills with other kids when they are young.

Any parent, that thinks his or her influence is anything beyond stability....well, its nice to wish

What a poor relationship you must have had with your parents. I had two-step fathers, loved them both and I am sure they loved me. I can see myself in each of them; so I assimilated the sociological traits of two men who were not my biological father, but they were my father.

[RigPig]

IMHO, I don't think a farang step dad will be taken seriously by the thai children most of the times. High probability they'll be mostly seen as only cash providers.

Spoken like a typical TV poster; no-doubt originating in the same monetary-relationship mentality.

Children seek parental love and flourish in it. If you will be the father, instead of just an ATM machine, things will work out much better. However, the problem may be what the wife/gf actually thinks of you. If the child's mother treats you as nothing more than a long-term customer and ATM; what is the poor child to think?

Blood, and especially Thai blood is thicker than water (PARENTAL love, can ONLY come from the parents). The maternal father, no matter how much a low life he is will ALWAYS have more influence over the kids than a foreign husband, regardless. He will see it as his "cash cow" and use whatever means to milk it. The kids will ALWAYS honour him because he is Thai and their father, no matter what. It is all part of the "pecking order" and Thainess....

[NoshowJones]

When I first came to Thailand to be with my G/F (now my wife) there was her teenage son and daughter.

I cannot say I have had any influence on their life in any way, but what I honestly can say is that neither

of them has ever given me a problem, and there has not even been one argument with my wife or them

about anything.

The stepdaughter is now happily married and living with her husband about 100 Ks away, and the son is

living and working in Bangkok. I sure miss them and wish they were still here.

[RigPig]

Maybe the OP could enlighten us please on his exact contribution to this remarkable changement of attitude of the youngster?

Lol exactly, financial assistance would make the most impact anyway. Kids are going to turn out however they are going to turn out, most of those personality traits are written in the genome, copied from parents or grandparents. Anything else really comes from social skills with other kids when they are young.

Any parent, that thinks his or her influence is anything beyond stability....well, its nice to wish

What a poor relationship you must have had with your parents. I had two-step fathers, loved them both and I am sure they loved me. I can see myself in each of them; so I assimilated the sociological traits of two men who were not my biological father, but they were my father.

Love or obligation?

So you have no feelings for your blood /real father whatsoever? Or do you have a reason to "hate" him, enough to close him out? Maybe he has passed away, but I still think there would be feelings and curiosity....

[smotherb]

you can take the child out of Thailand but you can't take Thailand out of the child!

Only trite overused expressions and few real experiences, eh? People can indeed change, especially if they have an education and some semblance of success in another place. I went to high school in Virginia with a Thai brother and sister. Both of them were as American as I. To my knowledge, the girl has never been back to Thailand. She is married to my best childhood friend, so we keep in touch. The boy was killed in Vietnam, a recon marine. He is buried at Arlington.