Picking Nose At The Airport

[eric1000]

Behavior Pattern Recognition: Picking Your Nose At Airports May Be A Sign Of Terrorism

National News

Friday, April 16, 2004

- Marcelo Lewin

Security at airports has been the number one priority for airport personnel since 9/11. Now, in addition to the new x-ray machines, bomb detecting equipment and people searches, a new method of trying to detect a potential terrorist act has been added, that of behavior pattern recognition.

"There is a special way that a terrorist acts just before he gets on board an airplane." Stated Bill Imrite, a security specialist with the Los Angeles International Airport, "For example, if a person is about to pick his nose and then, instead of using a tissue paper to clean his finger, cleans his finger on his hair, that is a sign to another terrorist that the 'current situation is kind of sticky, terrorist act is cancelled'. It's amazing the language they use with their hands to communicate."

Air Marshals, passenger screeners and state police have gone through an exhaustive training session learning the language of the terrorist and the possible behavioral patterns they exhibit just before they are going to commit a terrorist act.

"All of our security people carry on them a score card," stated Mr. Imrite, "which lists all the possible behaviors and signals with scores next to them. If the person they are observing reaches a certain score, they are pulled aside and questioned intensively to make sure they are not going to commit any terrorist act."

We asked Mr. Imrite what happens if the person reaches a certain score that is; say one point, below the score that triggers the questioning. Do you not question him or her?

"No we don't." stated Mr. Imrite, "They have to reach that score or they don't get questioned. It's a very exact science. We believe that any person that does not reach that score is not a terrorist. Someone that does is definitely up to something."

Insiders at Logan airport, which is the first airport that this new system is being tested in, have provided The Daily Farce News a copy of the actual score sheet. Below is a list of signs and their meanings. We've omitted the score so that potential terrorists can't figure out what the score for each is to trick security personnel.

1. Picking nose with thumb and cleaning thumb in their hair = "Current situation is sticky. Cancel terrorist act."

2. Scratching the left eyebrow with right pinky = "Proceed with caution. They are watching us."

3. Sneezing twice, cleaning snot from nose with hand and wiping on side of pants twice = "You go to the right and I go to the left. Create distraction."

4. Two jumping jacks and one pushup = "Hey, I'm here. Go ahead and bring that bomb over to me now!"

5. Crying = "I will say hello to Allah when I get there for you."

6. Carrying a bag with the right hand while kissing a loved one goodbye = "Did you put the tools in my bag so that I can take over the airplane?"

The ACLU is looking to see if this new system may cause illegal searches to be conducted on the innocent. "What if a person is crying and wipes his nose with his thumb?" stated Bill Lefty, an ACLU lawyer, "Does that make him or her a terrorist? I don't think so. We will take this to the highest court if we need to."

"We don't believe we will catch 100% of the terrorist, or even 80% or even 50%, maybe 30%, but for sure 5%." Stated Tom Ridge, Homeland Security Secretary, "However, There is not much I or my department have been doing lately to improve the security of our country, so we figured this is better then nothing and good for marketing purposes."

The new program will go into effect starting May of this year.

[PvtDick]

If Thais pick their noses more than anyone else, I haven't noticed it. You certainly can't compare them to the Chinese.

[Up2U]

Nothing about howking a great gob of spit on the floor, just as you go through the metal detector?

(No Chinese terrorists, obviously )

[megashox]

It's clear now - All those TG lovelies in their Hondas and Toyotas this morning did look so suspicious.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

It's clear now - All those TG lovelies in their Hondas and Toyotas this morning did look so suspicious.

I agree totally. Terrorists at work. What about someone scatching their butt then ?

[KevinN]

a lot of terrorists in Viet Nam also then.

And I think that someone is not watching Thai's or maybe watching the chinese to much.or maybe is not even in Thailand.Maybe lives in China.

[NedKelly]

gees those terrorists must be able to disguise themselves pretty well. I saw one in the cosmetic section at Centran the other day dressed immaculately in a red fitting dress and not a hair out of place, longfingernails, high heels.....really looked like a Thai model........and he was obviously a terrorist with intent.........the index finger was being utilised almost to the knuckle, to extract an obviously reluctant, coagulated, lump of booger from the inner lining of this terrorists nose.

Now when I think about it, he was surely aiming to terrorise customers at the lipstick counter. I cant think of a better place to create chaos and influence world affairs !

[astral]

I didn't realise just how paranoid the Americans have become.

Talk about Reds under the Bed.

[megashox]

I agree totally. Terrorists at work. What about someone scatching their butt then ?

I would've obliged Doc, but their car windows were rolled up!

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Behavior Pattern Recognition: Picking Your Nose At Airports May Be A Sign Of Terrorism

National News

Friday, April 16, 2004

- Marcelo Lewin

Security at airports has been the number one priority for airport personnel since 9/11. Now, in addition to the new x-ray machines, bomb detecting equipment and people searches, a new method of trying to detect a potential terrorist act has been added, that of behavior pattern recognition.

"There is a special way that a terrorist acts just before he gets on board an airplane." Stated Bill Imrite, a security specialist with the Los Angeles International Airport, "For example, if a person is about to pick his nose and then, instead of using a tissue paper to clean his finger, cleans his finger on his hair, that is a sign to another terrorist that the 'current situation is kind of sticky, terrorist act is cancelled'. It's amazing the language they use with their hands to communicate."

Air Marshals, passenger screeners and state police have gone through an exhaustive training session learning the language of the terrorist and the possible behavioral patterns they exhibit just before they are going to commit a terrorist act.

"All of our security people carry on them a score card," stated Mr. Imrite, "which lists all the possible behaviors and signals with scores next to them. If the person they are observing reaches a certain score, they are pulled aside and questioned intensively to make sure they are not going to commit any terrorist act."

We asked Mr. Imrite what happens if the person reaches a certain score that is; say one point, below the score that triggers the questioning. Do you not question him or her?

"No we don't." stated Mr. Imrite, "They have to reach that score or they don't get questioned. It's a very exact science. We believe that any person that does not reach that score is not a terrorist. Someone that does is definitely up to something."

Insiders at Logan airport, which is the first airport that this new system is being tested in, have provided The Daily Farce News a copy of the actual score sheet. Below is a list of signs and their meanings. We've omitted the score so that potential terrorists can't figure out what the score for each is to trick security personnel.

1. Picking nose with thumb and cleaning thumb in their hair = "Current situation is sticky. Cancel terrorist act."

2. Scratching the left eyebrow with right pinky = "Proceed with caution. They are watching us."

3. Sneezing twice, cleaning snot from nose with hand and wiping on side of pants twice = "You go to the right and I go to the left. Create distraction."

4. Two jumping jacks and one pushup = "Hey, I'm here. Go ahead and bring that bomb over to me now!"

5. Crying = "I will say hello to Allah when I get there for you."

6. Carrying a bag with the right hand while kissing a loved one goodbye = "Did you put the tools in my bag so that I can take over the airplane?"

The ACLU is looking to see if this new system may cause illegal searches to be conducted on the innocent. "What if a person is crying and wipes his nose with his thumb?" stated Bill Lefty, an ACLU lawyer, "Does that make him or her a terrorist? I don't think so. We will take this to the highest court if we need to."

"We don't believe we will catch 100% of the terrorist, or even 80% or even 50%, maybe 30%, but for sure 5%." Stated Tom Ridge, Homeland Security Secretary, "However, There is not much I or my department have been doing lately to improve the security of our country, so we figured this is better then nothing and good for marketing purposes."

The new program will go into effect starting May of this year.

Is it April 01 again ?