Lack Of Family Affecftion

[terradon]

I have only seen 1 family of Thais so am curious.....

When the mother turns up after not seeing her children - often for some days - she never shows them any affection, never holds them, cuddles them or anything similar. There seems to be no affection to her mother and siblings also.

Coming from a European family I am used to seeing parents hug and kiss their children often so I wonder if this lack of affection with Thai families / children is the norm? Or is this a family lacking in love as we Farangs would know it?

[Nawtilus]

It is normal, usually just the Wai and so on. I thought the same originaly, but that is their way and so be it.

###### shame really, there is this 18yo cousin i would like to get an excuse for a squeeze.

[ThaiPauly]

yeah a real shames, whenever my wife sees her Brothers and father there is only waying..no affection at all

[PeaceBlondie]

Some parts of Europe may be very touchy-feely among kinfolk, but the USA that I grew up in wasn't. I think we were trying to imitate what our grandparents misunderstood about the cold hearts of the northeastern European immigrants.

All behavior is learned. The Thai children seem to be very touchy among themselves, but they seem to stop holding hands during the teen years.

[leisurely]

Why then, do Thais (and other nationalities) feel an overpowering urge to grab my kids and manhandle them? Is it because there is so much pent up emotion in them that can only be released by physical assault on blondy farang girls? They get so fed up with it. GRRR

[The Dan Sai Kid]

I wouldn't mistake a lack of physical contact for a lack of affection.

[sbk]

I wouldn't mistake a lack of physical contact for a lack of affection.

I agree, Thai people show their affection in ways different from those in western society. Don't be so quick to judge because they don't stand up to your cultural norms.

[PeaceBlondie]

I think Thai children (surely the toddlers and babes in arms) are expected to be cuddled. I picked up a runaway toddler yesterday and he only complained when I gave him back to his Mum or nanny. Even ten year old boys or older will walk in public with their arms on their Mum's shoulder. But after a certain age, it seems to end.

[Noel]

I have only seen 1 family of Thais so am curious.....

When the mother turns up after not seeing her children - often for some days - she never shows them any affection, never holds them, cuddles them or anything similar. There seems to be no affection to her mother and siblings also.

Coming from a European family I am used to seeing parents hug and kiss their children often so I wonder if this lack of affection with Thai families / children is the norm? Or is this a family lacking in love as we Farangs would know it?

Perhaps this only happens when you stroll ('s' optional) in...?

[roguegirl]

I wouldn't mistake a lack of physical contact for a lack of affection.

I agree, Thai people show their affection in ways different from those in western society. Don't be so quick to judge because they don't stand up to your cultural norms.

Not only is it prevalent among Thais but throughout Asia. The hugging when meeting that I saw in my own home-country happens only among those who are more exposed to western culture.

In many ways, Asians are not taught to be affectionate in public. If any, they have already adopt the western way.

[TAWP]

I have never seen my wifes parent show any affection to her, ever. or any other relatives to eachother, apart from a greeting wai when coming and leaving. Even bodycontact with friends are extreamly rare. Heck, only thing sofar is a guy that grabbed my ass.

[turnpike]

when i leave thailand for work, sometimes her mom accompanies us to the airport. i'll usually give her mom a hug and a big sloppy kiss on the cheek. you can feel her just tense up when i do this, like i was giving her a needle or something. she always smiles when i'm done, likely just relieved that it's over. i know she's not 100% comfortable with that, so that's why i keep on doing it.

[tutsiwarrior]

yeah...I've noticed with the children a lot of physical contact with adults seems to end when they are 7-8 y.o. and above. I've got a nephew and two nieces 1, 4 and 5 years and they still appear to get cuddles.

I've insinuated myself into some of the womenfolks affections. Mama-in-law always has a big hug on my return and departure to the wars. The oldest niece, 16 whom I don't see often as she has moved to the Smoke always has a big hug and little kisses when I see her and my 12 y.o. niece whom I adore surprised me with a kiss on the lips on my recent return from VN. I always manage at least a sniff kiss with all the nieces most of the time. The step daughter 13 is always poking and grabbing as an invitation for me to grab her and give her a squeeze.

so...I'm slowly making inroads falang affection wise...gotta do something before they get too big and things become 'inappropriate'...

[Donz]

I wouldn't mistake a lack of physical contact for a lack of affection.

I agree, Thai people show their affection in ways different from those in western society. Don't be so quick to judge because they don't stand up to your cultural norms.

Not only is it prevalent among Thais but throughout Asia. The hugging when meeting that I saw in my own home-country happens only among those who are more exposed to western culture.

In many ways, Asians are not taught to be affectionate in public. If any, they have already adopt the western way.

Not in South Korea, they all hug and kiss there children like mad

[Amihan]

I wouldn't mistake a lack of physical contact for a lack of affection.

I agree, Thai people show their affection in ways different from those in western society. Don't be so quick to judge because they don't stand up to your cultural norms.

Not only is it prevalent among Thais but throughout Asia. The hugging when meeting that I saw in my own home-country happens only among those who are more exposed to western culture.

In many ways, Asians are not taught to be affectionate in public. If any, they have already adopt the western way.

not true...in my homeland they hug and kiss all the time. Just as long as its not PDA and among family only.

Edited November 7, 2006 by Amihan

[KireB]

What I don't understand is why we always have to be so careful when we judge Thai society.

The parents of my gf have no interest in her life at all. But still pretending to be the good mother and father. And it does hurt her!

I would like to say that this is a very strange and doubtful element of the beautiful Thai culture. It just sucks! Maybe the Thais could learn something from us? For example how to treat and respect your kids!

And before you react: I know I am generalizing! May I?

[Donz]

What I don't understand is why we always have to be so careful when we judge Thai society.

The parents of my gf have no interest in her life at all. But still pretending to be the good mother and father. And it does hurt her!

I would like to say that this is a very strange and doubtful element of the beautiful Thai culture. It just sucks! Maybe the Thais could learn something from us? For example how to treat and respect your kids!

And before you react: I know I am generalizing! May I?

Well I would say most do care for there kids life. And are definately closer then farang families IMO

[qualtrough]

My wife is has a very close relationship to her mother and father. They take care of her and worry about her, and vice versa. But no hugging or kissing, in public or private. She has told me that they didn't hug her once she was past toddlerhood. Just the way they do it I guess, or at least some families here.

[helicoptor]

What I don't understand is why we always have to be so careful when we judge Thai society.

I would like to say that this is a very strange and doubtful element of the beautiful Thai culture. It just sucks! Maybe the Thais could learn something from us? For example how to treat and respect your kids!

And before you react: I know I am generalizing! May I?

This is inherently true, Thais are very quick to defend their culture and how dare us farangs question anything within it (this thread being a perfect example)

'Maybe the Thais could learn something from us'? why would they want to ? they are perfect

[GuestHouse]

Northern European culture differs significantly in terms of 'overt affection' for children, so its a little dodgy to make a statement about 'Western' or even 'European' culture with respect to this issue.

However, I think it is fair to say that in terms of 'overt affection' towards children Thai culture is very very much more reserved. We might say this is related to the Buddhist thing about not wanting to show emotions, but I think its a bit deaper than that. Very Catholic Ireland and Very Catholic Italy have completely different attitudes towards raising children, so I don't accept that religion is the governing factor.

My Thai wife comments on the effection between members of my family, especially towards children. Before posting here I discussed this issue with her and she confirmed what many here are saying - "Overt effection" does not happen.

This leads to what in my own eyes is perhaps the signle most annoying missunderstandings Thais have of us foreigners - The relationship between foreigners and their families.

I have been asked very many times by Thais 'Why don't Farangs love their Mothers/Parents/Families?'.

There is a tacit belief that noone loves their families like Thais do.

Well excuse me - <deleted>.

There is a huge difference between "Love" and "Dependency", I understand the need in a society without welfare and pensions why 'Dependency" takes precedence.

But don't tell me its love.

A few years back we had a Thai fiend friend of my wife's staying with us in Signapore, a married woman with children, she came to visit for, yes you've guessed - Shopping.

She stayed four days, and each evening called her children. Almost the whole converstion with each child was the solicitation of 'You miss your mum don't you?, Tell me how much you miss me?'

This really struck me as odd. Since whenever I'm away, I make a point of trying to reduce any anguish my children might feel about my absense.

What was odder is I have since noticed this behaviour with ever Thai visitor we have (and we have quite a few). If they have children they make a point of calling their children to solicit this agony of missing mum.

Listen to other converstations between Thais and their young children and there is an enormous amount of this reinforcing the dependency.

Contrast that against western norms of encouraging independence and it is very clear that you could not pick single subject with more cultural differnce than the raising of children.

It's quite facinating and far too complex to allow the sweeping generalization that we often hear 'Thais are great mothers'.

I'm not so sure, I'm certainly not sure they are any better than westerners in that respect.

Edited November 7, 2006 by GuestHouse

[opothai]

when seeing my now wife for the first couple of months the now daughter in law was very shy and did not really know how to take me, she was kind of cold i'd say.

i did notice that no kiss goodnight or cuddles with mum, grand parents or sisters took place, but hey who am i to comment.

after a couple of months, in the sisterin laws house we were having a party and the now daughter in law had a bad fall and landed head first on one of the large plant pots with a loud cracking noise, almost all of the family laughed including the wife as though it was comical.

any way i picked up the little one 8 years old and in a flood of tears for a little reassurance that somebody cares and since that day we are best buddies.

now we moved and live in england and the daughter always gives mum a kiss good night plenty of cuddles and affection, i read the good night story and the kiss good night is given, she is now 11.

i asked the wife why this sort of affection was never shown when we were in thailand, and the answer i recieved was ' because we dont '. no futher disscusion.

now asking the wife does she think afectionate behaviour between families is a good thing she answers ' it's alright ' no further disscusion

i know she likes to cuddle the daughter and indeed she shows a remarkable amount of affection towards our new born.

what i deduce from this is in thailand they act as they have seen in the past from their peers and do not get overly affectionate but underneath they are very very affectionate and passionate about family, they just have to be in the right envronment to show it i guess.

[a2396]

I wouldn't mistake a lack of physical contact for a lack of affection.

I agree, Thai people show their affection in ways different from those in western society. Don't be so quick to judge because they don't stand up to your cultural norms.

Not only is it prevalent among Thais but throughout Asia. The hugging when meeting that I saw in my own home-country happens only among those who are more exposed to western culture.

In many ways, Asians are not taught to be affectionate in public. If any, they have already adopt the western way.

Not in South Korea, they all hug and kiss there children like mad

[/quot

Maybe this is why I have found Korean women to be several octaves above thier Thai counterparts in the sexual affection department.

[chingching]

A bit off topic, I also have not seen many Thai families, but this one that I do get to see, I get upset to see how often they hit their 2 yr. old boy. Once for not finishing his lunch, once for make believing smoking a cigarette (Dad of course smokes) Mother is perhaps too young and tries to dominate kid, but practically 100% of the discipline I see is just unnecessary. Another example, I am walking with kid between me and grandma. Kid is holding grandma's hand. I hold his other hand, and as he walks he lifts his legs up so he is "flying". Result gets hit with stick. I ask myself why, what in the world is wrong with that? I've told Mom that he will grow up and the biggest thing he will remember about her is she hit him all the time. Another time, he is hitting his broken down play truck - at one time prob expensive- with a rock, The truck is already far beyond repair. Result another whack.

[Thaddeus]

what i deduce from this is in thailand they act as they have seen in the past from their peers and do not get overly affectionate but underneath they are very very affectionate and passionate about family, they just have to be in the right envronment to show it i guess.

With a little help.

My wife helps our little one with the Thai language homework from school, when she first started, this was conducted at a very high volume and when I asked her why she was shouting. The response was along the lines of, she was behind the rest of the class and she had to catch up (we had recently moved her from a bad school to a slightly better one and her teacher told us she was about a year behind) ..... "is she catching up?" ...... "NO" ..... "well stop shouting then, she is just terrified"

It wasn't doing my tinnatus much good either

Daddy gets a goodnight kiss every night, very farang and a wais when ten baht is offered to buy sweets, very polite Thai.

And On is getting to grips with the fact that to show kids you love and care for them, just saying it isn't enough.

[dgoz]

What I don't understand is why we always have to be so careful when we judge Thai society.

The parents of my gf have no interest in her life at all. But still pretending to be the good mother and father. And it does hurt her!

I would like to say that this is a very strange and doubtful element of the beautiful Thai culture. It just sucks! Maybe the Thais could learn something from us? For example how to treat and respect your kids!

And before you react: I know I am generalizing! May I?

I hear ya buddy. It's the same for my gf. IMO it's because she has a falang bf, which kinda makes her an outcast. Maybe the same in your case.

If only she had a nice (lazy,ignorant,uneducated,poor,characterless) Thai bf.

[Maigo6]

If only she had a nice (lazy,ignorant,uneducated,poor,characterless) Thai bf.

Bit strong ain't it ?

Take a good look around at the average Farang in Thailand, would you wan't your Daughter to mix with them ?

[mike_rad]

Not in South Korea, they all hug and kiss there children like mad

Same in Japan, I believe.

--

[Johpa]

My wife is has a very close relationship to her mother and father. They take care of her and worry about her, and vice versa. But no hugging or kissing, in public or private. She has told me that they didn't hug her once she was past toddlerhood. Just the way they do it I guess, or at least some families here.

My inlaws are very close to each other apart from when they are having a spat, and at least one of the ten siblings is temporaily on the outs at any one time. But although there is not alot of outward displays of affection, certainly never in public outside the home, they will spend hours upon hours for days on end with each other talking into the wee hours when meeting after long separations. There is no lack of affection, it is just displayed differently.

[HenryB]

yeah a real shames, whenever my wife sees her Brothers and father there is only waying..no affection at all

They known what bums each are so why would they show affection. This is the same with any family of bums anywhere in the world, wake up. Did you ever see poor white trash in America. Well you love them too.

[mark henry]

My wife and her family in BKK are the same, no affection at all, even when we said good bye at the airport last visit knowing she would'nt see them again for a couple of years.

In fact it goes deeper than just lack of hugs/cuddles, couple of months ago my wifes Daughter got hit by a taxi resulting in a hospital admission. My wife would not even ring her, said she did not know what to say? Very difficult to get your head around.

Don't think we should keep using "cultural" as an excuse think it's just plain ignorance!