Pressure From Long Time Gf

[David Duke]

Let me explain my situation:

I'm 48 and have had a live in gf for 5+ years. We live together in my bkk apt and have been together pretty much daily over that time except for her 4 or so trips to her Issan village per year and my yearly trip to farangland. I met her when she was 18 and she moved in pretty much right away. When we met she had no mobile phone, passport or internet. I provided her with all of these things and take her to neighboring countries on visa runs and the like. Basically we have a good relationship. From the 1st year she has been pushing for me to go to her village with her and each time I have resisted. She gets upset and cries sometimes and it gets worse with each refusal. She has asked me in recent years to give her money to build a house but I have refused. She tells me that we can have a future living in this house on land given to her by her father. I will not budge on this issue as I will never live there because I cannot live in the sticks nor poverty regions.

I have provided her with a set amount of cash to use as she wishes monthly. This amount has been consistently 16K per month but not more. I pay all daily expenses so she never needs to use the cash for this. I tell her if she wants to build her house, it must be done from this money. she has been applying this cash towards that house only in the last year. The other 4 years money was all spent and given to the family as far as I know.

She has in the past year been telling me that she is worried about her future and how I never make sure about her (I'm guessing a reference to marriage). I tell her not to worry as I like her very much and would never dump her. I also tell her that I would understand if she were to dump me to find a partner to marry. One thing is sure, I have no plans to marry anyone but I suppose that could change one day. I tell her I don't want to go to her village as I do not like travel and have to do that enough with 3 month visa trips. My take is that I like the status quo of living together with her and relaxing but have no interest in village visits or marriage. I like things just as they are. She also asks me when I will take her to my country but short of marriage she will not qualify for any visa. Thus I tell her "I dont know", cause I dont.

Another monkey wrench in here is that she has a daughter who lives up in the village and is 6 years old. Neither of us work btw. another thing is that she is always pressuring me to say "I love you" but I never say it. It is one of those things I do not like to say.

My question to the forum is: am I being unreasonable here? Should i be doing anything differently? What should I be telling her?

[taxexile]

i dont think you know too much about the culture of relationships here.

you have kept this girl dangling around for 5 years , with no commitment and keeping her separated from her child.

its tantamount to cruelty.

i personally think you should be ashamed of yourself.

[sooboofarang]

Let me explain my situation:

I'm 48 and have had a live in gf for 5+ years. We live together in my bkk apt and have been together pretty much daily over that time except for her 4 or so trips to her Issan village per year and my yearly trip to farangland. I met her when she was 18 and she moved in pretty much right away. When we met she had no mobile phone, passport or internet. I provided her with all of these things and take her to neighboring countries on visa runs and the like. Basically we have a good relationship. From the 1st year she has been pushing for me to go to her village with her and each time I have resisted. She gets upset and cries sometimes and it gets worse with each refusal. She has asked me in recent years to give her money to build a house but I have refused. She tells me that we can have a future living in this house on land given to her by her father. I will not budge on this issue as I will never live there because I cannot live in the sticks nor poverty regions.

I have provided her with a set amount of cash to use as she wishes monthly. This amount has been consistently 16K per month but not more. I pay all daily expenses so she never needs to use the cash for this. I tell her if she wants to build her house, it must be done from this money. she has been applying this cash towards that house only in the last year. The other 4 years money was all spent and given to the family as far as I know.

She has in the past year been telling me that she is worried about her future and how I never make sure about her (I'm guessing a reference to marriage). I tell her not to worry as I like her very much and would never dump her. I also tell her that I would understand if she were to dump me to find a partner to marry. One thing is sure, I have no plans to marry anyone but I suppose that could change one day. I tell her I don't want to go to her village as I do not like travel and have to do that enough with 3 month visa trips. My take is that I like the status quo of living together with her and relaxing but have no interest in village visits or marriage. I like things just as they are. She also asks me when I will take her to my country but short of marriage she will not qualify for any visa. Thus I tell her "I dont know", cause I dont.

Another monkey wrench in here is that she has a daughter who lives up in the village and is 6 years old. Neither of us work btw. another thing is that she is always pressuring me to say "I love you" but I never say it. It is one of those things I do not like to say.

My question to the forum is: am I being unreasonable here? Should i be doing anything differently? What should I be telling her?

Hi there I am 46 australian live Issan bankruad

there are a few of us up here

depend on where she lives

but you have us up here to talk to

we have all bought land and built houses

I buy land 1 rai for 30,000 baht

and it is not so bad up here to live

house allmost finnish cost about 600.000 baht nice place

of cause more to do

we just had baby boy

my boy lol

if she lives in the jungle can van give her less money

lol

really

my girl lives on 8000 per month and saves some too

there small resorts up here nice ones

so not worry about sleeping on the floor

you are safe be sure

people here are nice very safe really more then BKK

they all go to BKK to ripp off farang so ok in the jungle I been here for 6 years

very happy

I cannot spend 500 baht a day here and still pissed

20baht a beer

come up and see us

or email me where you are at

I be in BKK 16th-17th Nov 2006

[bkkandrew]

i dont think you know too much about the culture of relationships here.

you have kept this girl dangling around for 5 years , with no commitment and keeping her separated from her child.

its tantamount to cruelty.

i personally think you should be ashamed of yourself.

I agree. I am usually the first to decry the shortcomings of Thai g/fs, but she seems entirely in the right..

[Mr Jones]

You should be telling her the truth.

That you are more interested in yourself, that even at 48 I’m too immature to make decisions without advice from strangers.

TROLL.

[David Duke]

Not trolling, the situation is very real. On the daughter issue, I dont think it is a Thai thing to want to be with your child but rather a human thing. Sooboo, thank you for your post

[Creeper]

What should I be telling her?

If you have any feeling at all towards her, you should encourage her to get a guy that will give her the security she will need when she is older.

It's easy for you at any age, it won't be easy for her in her 30's , 40's.

Let her go while she is still young, give her a chance to find a guy that will involve himself in her family life.

[David Duke]

What should I be telling her?

If you have any feeling at all towards her, you should encourage her to get a guy that will give her the security she will need when she is older.

It's easy for you at any age, it won't be easy for her in her 30's , 40's.

Let her go while she is still young, give her a chance to find a guy that will involve himself in her family life.

reasonable advice creep, thanks

[GuestHouse]

You can't have your cake and eat it.

You've set up a relationship where she and her family are undoubtedly dependent upon you and you have drawn the line on things not progressing to marriage.

If you don't want to marry then don't, certainly you should not be pressured into marriage.

But likewise you can't expect to have your g/f waiting around for you.

My betting is she feels trapped by the need to move on with her life, to be with her family and child; and the need for the money you are giving her.

The only way out of this I see is for you help her find her own independence, help her get back to work earning her own money so she can be her own person.

The problem that will present is things are going to change and she's not going to be there for you, so your own expectations have to change.

Doing the right thing is not always throwing money at a problem and it is certainly not sitting and doing nothing.

You are 48, she's 24 (ish), either go along with her or do the right thing and help her get along with her own life.

[David Duke]

Quality words of wisdom there guesthouse. Those sounded so good in fact that they could have been used in and episode of Kung <deleted>. great job

[Maizefarmer]

DD

Mmmmm …… my take on this (from what you have said):

Young lady who has no career direction, no desire to spend time with her daughter (is this by choice or by circumstance i.e. you won’t have the daughter staying with you in Bkk).

Is she worried about “her” future with you, or she is worried about “her” future?

She’s a young person, but nothing in what you have said has indicated she has any desire or motivation to educate herself or learn some or other skill that will enable her to contribute to her own long term future or security. That character/personality trait also appears to come across in that she has said nothing about any motive for wanting to go back to the country village as involving any maternal instinct to be closer to her daughter (I say because you haven’t said that in your initial posting – and I am assuming that you would have repeated it if she did say it).

An unhealthy total dependence on you?

I don’t know, but perhaps she would feel a lot more secure if she made some effort to further her education and be able to contribute to the relationship in some or other way. The fact that the two of you can both get along on top of each other (excuse pun) day in day out for so long, is great (my marriage wouldn’t survive like that).

On your side, your description of the daughter been a “monkey wrench” in the equation, sounds like it’s a hassle or responsibility really would prefer to have as little to do with as possible.

Is this a relationship of “conditional love” held together by “mutual convieniance” – on your side the companionship, on her side the security?

I’d appreciate your response to the above, at which point I’ll share with you my opinon.

Tim

[bkkandrew]

I don't know why the OP asked for people's opinions, as any that do not simper and say "I agree with you" are dismissed out of hand, usually with some sarcasm.

If you ask a question, you may not like the answer. If you do not accept this, don't ask the question in the first place...

Edited November 11, 2006 by bkkandrew

[Gary A]

Well zip, obviously one of these country girls has outsmarted you. You sound like a bitter guy who will NEVER find any happiness here. It doesn't pay to generalise. They are not cookie cutouts.

David, as for the situation at hand. If you have no intention of ever leaving her you could sacrifice a few days to go up country for a Buddhist wedding. You will not be legally married which will suit you and she will have a big face in the eyes of her family and the village. She is after a little security and I hope you can see fit to give it to her.

I tend to agree with you not wanting to build a house. You are being more than fair and are giving her more than enough money to save for a house herself. I would have never believed that I would be living in the boonies either but here I am and I love it. Never say never.

[fruittbatt]

DD,

your post strikes me as frank and honestly curious, if rather self-centered.

Are you still nursing deep mistrust from a disappointment in a previous life? (will not profess love for your partner, will not marry her despite her evident distress and her separation from her daughter?)

Or are you anti-marriage per se?

I think your partner may be under familial pressure to marry and bring you home. Her wishes may be largely dictated by cultural expectations as well as family pressure.

She was quite young when you met her and does not work, as Maizefarmer points out. Is she rather socially isolated, apart from mobile access? Perhaps lonely too? Perhaps does not know her own mind?

Whereas you have had time to decide what you want and value, she is possibly just wanting the conventional marriage relationship because she has not considered that she could have other options.

I tend to agree with Maizefarmer: helping her to educate herself would be a great thing to do for her future, whether she chooses to stay with you or not.

[David Duke]

Well zip, obviously one of these country girls has outsmarted you. You sound like a bitter guy who will NEVER find any happiness here. It doesn't pay to generalise. They are not cookie cutouts.

David, as for the situation at hand. If you have no intention of ever leaving her you could sacrifice a few days to go up country for a Buddhist wedding. You will not be legally married which will suit you and she will have a big face in the eyes of her family and the village. She is after a little security and I hope you can see fit to give it to her.

I tend to agree with you not wanting to build a house. You are being more than fair and are giving her more than enough money to save for a house herself. I would have never believed that I would be living in the boonies either but here I am and I love it. Never say never.

thank you Gary. Nice post and nice suggestions. Obviously you are speaking with 1st hand knowledge. cheers

[cooL_guY_corY]

###### sounds like take the free money factor out of this equation and everything will come cRumBliNG down?

[Donz]

Im speachless

[farangsay]

Im speachless

The word is "speechless' Donz !

Make an effort OK !

Get a dictionary OK !

Get your girlfriend to write the word down

for you and take it to the bookshop !

Or is "speach' an Australian word ?

[chownah]

If she's looking for long term security then I can see why she is uneasy with what's happening because you could die any day and where would see be then? If you are so inclined maybe you should provide some sort of long term securitly...some sort of investment but it would depend on what the two of you could figure out...it could be enrollment in a school or a long term bond or...who knows? On the other hand if you are not inclined to help provide some long term security for her then I guess since she's your friend and you seem like a guy who would be straight with a friend then perhaps you should sit down with her and have a heart to heart and explain to her that you can't provide this for her and she will have to either do it herself or do without.

Chownah

[David Duke]

If she's looking for long term security then I can see why she is uneasy with what's happening because you could die any day and where would see be then? If you are so inclined maybe you should provide some sort of long term securitly...some sort of investment but it would depend on what the two of you could figure out...it could be enrollment in a school or a long term bond or...who knows? On the other hand if you are not inclined to help provide some long term security for her then I guess since she's your friend and you seem like a guy who would be straight with a friend then perhaps you should sit down with her and have a heart to heart and explain to her that you can't provide this for her and she will have to either do it herself or do without.

Chownah

real good pick up Chownah as she has mentioned exactly that. I guess I need to figure out a way to secure her in the event that I do suddenly drop dead

[JimsKnight]

I can fully understand your situation as I do not plan on getting married ever to a TG nor want one to come back to UK with me.

I have the ground rule that if they have 'baggage' (kids) I usually walk away.

You can't get off to a 'clean' start at the outset if they have children to another man.

But if you can get it to work then thats cool.

I'd think about if you want your relationship to continue or not.

Cause if she's pressuring you its likely coming from her family who will be wanting marriage.

Good luck

[The Dude]

The Dude hands Jimsknight a shiny new shovel for some very diggable words of advice for the Dukemaster

[bendix]

The OP's chosen nickname on this forum should tell savvy observers all they need to know about his attitudes to anyone who is different from himself.

[Johpa]

Let me explain my situation:

I'm 48 and have had a live in gf for 5+ years. .........I have provided her with a set amount of cash to use as she wishes monthly. This amount has been consistently 16K per month but not more. I pay all daily expenses so she never needs to use the cash for this. .......She has in the past year been telling me that she is worried about her future and how I never make sure about her (I'm guessing a reference to marriage). I tell her not to worry as I like her very much and would never dump her. I also tell her that I would understand if she were to dump me to find a partner to marry. One thing is sure, I have no plans to marry anyone but I suppose that could change one day........My take is that I like the status quo of living together with her and relaxing but have no interest in village visits or marriage. .......Neither of us work btw. another thing is that she is always pressuring me to say "I love you" but I never say it. It is one of those things I do not like to say.

My question to the forum is: am I being unreasonable here? Should i be doing anything differently? What should I be telling her?

I think your are being totally unreasonable as I think that if all you want in life is a live-in whore then 16K a month is way too steep a price. Just tell her your going to trade her in for a 12K a month whore who is a few years younger and closer to your own maturational age.

[Jersey_UK]

My question to the forum is: am I being unreasonable here? Should i be doing anything differently? What should I be telling her?

I don't think you are being unreasonable. the "problem" is that she is not being unreasonable either. You just want different things. Different stages in your life.

You have to face up to the fact that she has grown up a bit and does want "more". If you are not willing to give her "more", then you should tell her so. (although I would probably just "pop out for some ciggarettes" )

Having said that and accepted both sides at face value.........it wouldn't exactly surprise me if the family are now pressurising her / giving her ideas about what she "should" have by now to show from the relationship (their will always be someone doing "better" for you / her to compare badly against). I mainly say this cos' it is only after 6 years that she has "decided" that she needs more and in the meantime has not had the wit / drive to use the opportunity and money from being with you to enhance her future (with or without you!). Probably been sending a large chunk of her monthly money off home, and now the family are worrying about their future............

[Nam Kao]

David, you sound like a smart man already, dont build a house for her unless its just $$$ you want to/can

throw away.

If it was me i would tell her if you want to marry/make house etc etc that i am not the one

for that and tell her to move on, then i would have another mint chick with me in less than a

week. There are so many girls there its like shooting fish in a barrel. The man is in the drivers

seat there, not like back home where men have to beg and grovel and bend over backwards

just to get screwed over in the end anyway. In Thai the farang man has the power IF he can

keep his wits about him and not fall prey to emotions.

I would just play the field, change girls often, and not get tied down and hunt often.

take care

nam

[cdnvic]

i dont think you know too much about the culture of relationships here.

you have kept this girl dangling around for 5 years , with no commitment and keeping her separated from her child.

its tantamount to cruelty.

i personally think you should be ashamed of yourself.

Add to this the fact that she's been telling stories about this so-called man she's been telling everyone about never seems to appear in the flesh. No doubt this leads to a lot of talk around the village that she's working in the bars and has concocted a relationship as a cover story.

Stop being so self serving and step up.

And for your own sake don't take advice from Nam Kao, who's about as well adjusted as a cat in the bathtub.

[Jersey_UK]

Nam Kao, who's about as well adjusted as a cat in the bathtub.

, but that doesn't make him always wrong................

[pumpuiman]

Would it hurt to go to her village? Your excuse is you dont like to travel? Bite the bullet tough guy, do the girl a favor...I think you will be pleasantly surprised. A visit to the village once or twice a year may be enough to keep her happy, save face with the folks. Meet her daughter, show your girl you have a heart.

[GuestHouse]

I don't see the need for personal attacks, not on the OP and not on each other.

I suspect that the OP, like very many people, finds himself in a position where a 'comfortable' relationship is turning into something that he doesn't want.

Nor do I take the attitude that the OP is 'keeping' his g/f from her child, unless he has actively told her he doesn't want the child near him then she herself has her own free will.

The root of this problem as I see it is the g/f has become (perhaps has been made) dependent soley on the OP.

That she wants to take things further and he does not, is where a lot of relationships go.

It's also a fact that many guys setting up with younger women ignore, or perhaps are not aware of.

Young women have young women's needs and young women's ambitions.

I read this as "Game Over", perhaps not now, but certainly in the near future.

As I say above I think 'stepping up' might be helping her reastablish her own life.

If the OP thinks he is going to set things back to his cosey semi batchalor life by improving the Bht16K a month to some other monatary fix, then I think he is kidding himself.

The OP is up against family pressures, he either gives in and gets married.

Or accepts it really is 'Game Over'.