Boon Mee Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 On his way to work, a driver swerved to avoid a box that fell from a truck. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. But another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen retrieved the box and found that it contained tacks. "Nonetheless," the first trooper told the driver, "I have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked why. The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grover Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 incredibly cheesy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Mist Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 really nailed that one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guardian Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grover Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 really nailed that one shamelessly cheesy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Mist Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 really nailed that one shamelessly cheesy just making a point Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thaddeus Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 A local news paper (insert the name of your home town here __________) ran a pun competition (insert the name here________ we'll use Tom) Tom sent in ten entries... did he win? .... no Did he get into the top ten?... no No pun in ten did. I'll get my coat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grover Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 really nailed that one shamelessly cheesy just making a point your such a prick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crossy Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 really nailed that one shamelessly cheesy just making a point your such a prick A rather tacky remark what Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayo Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 But I mean, to come up with a good pun, is like trying to find a needle in a haystack! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thaddeus Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 But I mean, to come up with a good pun, is like trying to find a needle in a haystack! Wais Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davidjtayler Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 But I mean, to come up with a good pun, is like trying to find a needle in a haystack! You hit the nail on the head there Kayo ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prudent_rabbit Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!" 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive." 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. and the best (!) till last 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cowboygwe Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." Love it!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayo Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Prudent Rabbit... Those are hilarious! But, pray tell, each of those is worthy of it's own indivual thread. Why put them altogether on another joke thread... such waste of good humour.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robski Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Quality stuff PR I was pissin myself by number 5, I'm still chuklin now, cheers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Mist Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 they are great for sure, maybe we should have a pinned section for these classics. give me some feedback to work with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grover Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 (edited) they are great for sure, maybe we should have a pinned section for these classics.give me some feedback to work with. good idea. too many pages (235) to sift through looking for the gems. Edited November 15, 2006 by Grover Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Mist Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 might be able to have the gems pinned, thats easy, but maybe have most jokes accessable to, out of those 235 pages there are heaps of repeat jokes and comments from punters too. will ask the boss and see what he says Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suegha Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Prudent Rabbit... Those are hilarious!But, pray tell, each of those is worthy of it's own indivual thread. Why put them altogether on another joke thread... such waste of good humour.. I agree! I had heard many of them before, but classics need to be re-vamped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robski Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 This one is also worthy, not jokes as such but well put together and very witty. The Value of Drink "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hel_l happened to your bra and panties. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." ~ Cliff Clavin WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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