The week that was in Thailand news: Howzat! Rooster still at the crease on 50 not out

[rooster59]

The week that was in Thailand news: Howzat! Rooster still at the crease on 50 not out

 

 

Today the column celebrates a minor landmark – this is the fiftieth edition of The Week That Was in Thailand news. And to mark the occasion I would like to thank all those wonderful Thai, and sometimes foreign figures, who have made it all possible.

From the fatherly general for all his sterling efforts to bring us happiness amid dictatorship to his starry eyed minions like Khun Kobkarn at Tourism and Sports who is well on her way to ending sex as we know it while winning back Mr Woo’s missing yuan. To Khun Veera who made puritans of pretties at the motor show ordering them to cover up their bodywork.

You all deserve a medal, not least of all for making us laugh.

As do the police chiefs and their underlings up and down the country for all the rib tickling new initiatives. I have lost count of the times I have spat out my slightly loose Thai dentures into my Amazon roast chortling uncontrolably at your latest endeavors.

And thanks to all the people who have given up their valuable time spending their lives on Facebook for our vicarious viewing pleasure posting about road rage and accident and recording Thais, tourists and taxis behaving badly in videos too numerous to mention.

You have all paid your part – however, I fear that if I hear one more “spoiling the image of Thailand” quote I shall go to the most public building, climb to the flat roof and jump. There will be no sign of a struggle and I won’t care if my actions spoil the image of the country.

I’ll be as happy as Larry….just so long as I am right about there not being a next life.

Talking of which, it was great to read in another bumper week of risible revelations on Thaivisa that the realm has once again been given the accolade of the world’s least miserable country.

The aforementioned have all played their part. From Prayut down – which isn’t easy – they have ensured that the Bloomberg award is once more safely in Thai hands.  Happiness has truly been returned to the people as the military foresaw in 2014.

Though the people in the picture that accompanied the story looked like grinning Hong Kong Chinese doing Tai-chi to me. Surely happy Thais would have been staring at social media on the sky train.

Never mind it was the thought that counts and it’s spiffing to see the foreign media once again taking time to praise our idyllic Thai way of life, even though they forgot to mention the early death a fair few of the populace are obliged to endure due to slip ups on highways and balconies.

And it was not just Bloomberg bring good news – last month CNN said Isaan was the best thing since sliced buffalo. Admittedly, some scurrilous Aussie news media starting letting the side down banging on this week about Thailand being known as the Land of Scams.

How very dare you, mate.

Anyone who has seen the price of a loaf of bread in Sydney and all those podgy Ockers on Bondi Beach getting skin cancer will know that the predictable gems and jet-ski rant was just more of the pot belly calling the kettle black…..

On Monday Rooster had barely turned on his computer before the face of tourism minister Kobkarn leered out with the breaking news that from now on foreigners would have to pay 400 baht to go for a walk in the woods.

Of course it was just a rehash of a billion stories about fleecing at national parks but two things struck me. Firstly I thought back to a previous life where I was in charge of school trips at a famous Bangkok establishment where Khun Kobkarn was Chairman of the Board of Governors.

Yours truly fought tooth and nail to ensure that none of our expat staff or children ever paid more than a Thai, writing into our trips policy that we would never support places that tried to rip us off.

Has the minister forgotten those days and why does the iconic British movie “I’m Alright Jack” come into my mind at times like this?

Secondly I was buoyed by a story that appeared by the side of the one on parks that seemed to be related. “New regulations to ensure free emergency treatment” it said and I thought, great, at least if my Zimmer frame topples at a waterfall I can claim some of the 400 baht back.

Sadly you needed to be in the 30 baht health scheme and the story had no relation to the parks. It could be of no assistance to me though it might help the insurance saleswoman in Chonburi who was stabbed by an irate client later in the week.

The non-news about the park fees and the false alarm about getting something for my taxes made me think what headlines we might enjoy next week: “Thais to start putting Chilli in Som Tam” or “Dog found Without Owner in Bangkok Soi”, perhaps.

Tragically it was dogs with owners that were more prevalent in the news this week. The first was the man in Bung Karn – Thailand’s 77th and newest province – that bought his way out of civil responsibility in the death of a neighbor mauled by his three Rottweiler dogs. He coughed up 140K (knocked down from 150 incidentally) and took his vicious beasts back to their cages, laughing all the way home I shouldn’t wonder.

Still, at least he paid up – another guy whose minging mongrel mangled a three year old claimed the little girl did the biting first. Someone needs to promulgate a new law for him – “Extracting the Frickin’ Michael in the Hours of Daylight”;

Penalty 30 years and 5,000 baht fine…or both.

Much of the news this week was dominated by the search for Valentina the 23 year old Russian missing since mid-February on Koh Tao.

Though it appears that the latest bits found in the sea are animal not human, what with the history of the island over the last few years, every Thaivisa keyboard sleuth was slathering salaciously at the prospect of more unsubstantiated intrigue.

They cited missing CCTV as relevant – get a grip lads, it’s always missing! Then a flip-flop couldn’t be tested for DNA. Suspicious how it might have been cleaned somehow by being in the swirling ocean for two weeks.

Plod, however, had been getting desperate earlier in the week and had announced that they were concentrating on the sea after three remarkable fortune tellers had miraculously pointed to the water as a possible place where the unfortunate lady could be found.

Forum posters pooh-poohed the notion possibly having never heard of the many cases where the FBI or UK police turned to clairvoyants for help. The “mor duu” are probably as right as anyone. Sadly, the unfortunate lady will more likely wash up rather than turn up

Incidentally, Rooster went to Koh Tao about eight years ago to set up a sixth form diving trip. If paradise is judged by the number of 7/11s on a single stretch of filthy road weaving through unplanned havoc then this was indeed the Garden of Eden. It made Pattaya look clean and organized.

And so to this week’s Rooster awards and I would like to name two sets of “neighbors” for their help in trying to clean up the country. The “For Services to the Kingdom of Thailand” award goes firstly to the Cambodians in Pattaya feasting on soi dogs. They clearly have a much better epicurean solution to the problem than all those do-gooder soi dog foundation nutters who think rabies and scabies are a jolly good jape.

Secondly the aforementioned award goes to a Burmese man who said he is the descendant of the last king of his country. Soe Win has called for the Thai Soap “Plerng Pranang” to be taken off Channel 7, where it seems to air 25/7, because the allegedly historical drama is in fact disrespectful to the Burmese Royal family.

I mentioned that he may have a point to the missus, who had had an apoplectic fit when True’s excuse for a TV service went down again denying her access to the series earlier in the week.

“How dare they!” she intoned, as several well-chosen but un-neighborly expletives emanated from her hitherto sweet lips (all during the lull of an advertising break of course).

She even had time amid the washing powder commercials to remind me, in case I had forgotten, about the Burmese sacking of Ayuthaya in 1767, an incident she recalls like it was yesterday.

Anyway, I decided I was obviously losing this one, so thought better of making some churlish comparison to the Thai’s banning of Yul Brynner’s “The King and I”.

Besides, the commercial break ended and we were both in separate worlds again. Thank goodness for headphones.

My final award is for “Entrepreneurial Endeavor” and goes to the Indians rounded up for loan sharking in Nakorn Pathom. The cops said the nasty “khaek” (that Thais will often point out means guest…) had gravitated from being nut sellers and finally cracked the big time charging the hapless locals 10 per cent interest per day.

It reminded me of an old riddle about the Indians who plied their pistachio trade walking about the capital with a table full of nuts on their heads.

“What has six legs and walks around Bangkok?”

Finally the forum was treated to the best feel-good story of many a Thai moon when it was reported that a 74 year “samlor” rider called Bunphot had returned a wallet containing 100,000 baht to a South African policeman on holiday in Surat Thani.

And feel good it was on every front. The honesty of the poor and seemingly malnourished old man was tremendous and touching. While the gratitude of the man from Table Mountain led him to kindly promise that he would send a continuing monthly allowance to repay humble Bunphot.

A tear of regret came to Rooster’s eye as I ashamedly recalled once reveling in the lyrics of the UK’s Spitting Image song: “I’ve Never Met A Nice South African”.

Now it looks like we have….even if he is a rozzer.

Rooster

 

 

-- © Copyright Thai Visa News 2017-03-12

[canuckamuck]

Well done Rooster, looking forward to the next 50. 

[NeilSA1]

As usual, a very entertaining humorous article.

 

Regards Neil (a nice South African)                            

[aslimversgwm]

2 hours ago, NeilSA1 said:

As usual, a very entertaining humorous article.

 

Regards Neil (a nice South African)                            

Yes there are some - nice to know you're one of them!

[aslimversgwm]

Keep up the good work. Always enjoy the witty insights.

I do sometimes wonder if your international audience understand some of the British slang like 'rosser' for example, but the context usually elucidates of course!

[Maggusoil]

Well done Rooster, one of the best online 'rags' around. Of course no matter what else you say about Thailand, material for a daily rag is in the most extreme abundance. Fantastic Thailand haha :) A hoot and a daily tragi/comedy a minute.

[tukkytuktuk]

From the fatherly general for all his sterling efforts to bring us happiness amid dictatorship to his starry eyed minions like Khun Kobkarn at Tourism and Sports who is well on her way to ending sex as we know it while winning back Mr Woo’s missing yuan. To Khun Veera who made puritans of pretties at the motor show ordering them to cover up their bodywork.