The poisonous Brother in Law

[thaibeachlovers]

8 minutes ago, Odysseus123 said:

 

 

Their laziness and self entitlement was not to be questioned under any circumstances

 

 

Reminds me of the ratbag nephew ( I describe him as the ratbag to differentiate him from the merely inconsiderate nephew that actually grew up to be OK, but we all know what teenagers are like ).

He was the epitome of laziness- he was even too lazy to have a girlfriend, preferring to lie on the floor in our lounge all day, watching my tv, eating my wife's food and leaving his rubbish for us to pick up and dirty dishes for us to clean. However, I was never allowed to utter a word against him, as he is "family" and therefore well above a mere farang that pays the bills and buys stuff.

 

My greatest mistake I ever made was agreeing to leave Pattaya to live near enough to them that they could "visit' whenever they liked.

After that it was an inevitable slow spiral of doom.

Unfortunately, I now believe I was in the "long con", and that was always the plan, so even had I refused to leave Pattaya, it might have ended up badly anyway.

Upside would have been that I would have been "out" sooner and wealthier than I ended up. Such is life.

[Odysseus123]

"Unfortunately,I now believe I was in the long con.."

 

Yes that is the crux of the matter and one that I have to figure out for myself.On the one hand was the "I lub you.." business and on the other was the very definite downgrading of the bill paying foreigner to inferior status in comparison to the self entitled sociopaths,slugs and sloths that infested the place.

To repeat tho,another section of this family was dishing out exactly the same stuff to a hardworking Thai man a few houses down the road.

[oldhippy]

Sounds familiar....

 

Wife and I had a reasonably good life together in our 3 rai garden, hard work to keep it clean, but so peacefull, and on top of that we spend yearly 5 or 6 months travelling in Europe (Thai rain season). What could I - or wife - want more? We are 62 / 66.

 

Next, lazy son loses his job in BKK and comes to live with us. My opinion was not asked.

Wants to get paid for lending a hand. Once paid, he is soon too tired to work much and drives off in our car.

Likes the expensive European food in our fridge.

 

I commented on that to my wife.

WWIII...

As part of the peace settlement he now sleeps at nearby house of BiL, no more borrowing the car, and no more money from me (but I have no control over the money that my wife gives him).

He visits us, (well his mae, as he calls his mother) for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and afternoon nap.

 

To think he will inherit the garden and the money that I will leave to my wife...

 

But I consider myself so very lucky when I read the stories of other posters in this thread.

In a different thread a poster once commented: I love my wife, but not a day goes by without me thinking of leaving her...

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Been there done that]

41 minutes ago, oldhippy said:

Sounds familiar....

 

Wife and I had a reasonably good life together in our 3 rai garden, hard work to keep it clean, but so peacefull, and on top of that we spend yearly 5 or 6 months travelling in Europe (Thai rain season). What could I - or wife - want more? We are 62 / 66.

 

Next, lazy son loses his job in BKK and comes to live with us. My opinion was not asked.

Wants to get paid for lending a hand. Once paid, he is soon too tired to work much and drives off in our car.

Likes the expensive European food in our fridge.

 

I commented on that to my wife.

WWIII...

As part of the peace settlement he now sleeps at nearby house of BiL, no more borrowing the car, and no more money from me (but I have no control over the money that my wife gives him).

He visits us, (well his mae, as he calls his mother) for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and afternoon nap.

 

To think he will inherit the garden and the money that I will leave to my wife...

 

But I consider myself so very lucky when I read the stories of other posters in this thread.

In a different thread a poster once commented: I love my wife, but not a day goes by without me thinking of leaving her...

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have read similar types of posts from you and feel sympathetic to your situation. You seem one of the few sincere ones out here.

 

I can not understand though why you stay together with someone who does not give you the respect you deserve. 

 

I understand that their must be a positive history between you and your wife, which could make it all very difficult to split but anyone with good intentions deserves to be respected, in my opinion.

 

Good luck !

[oldhippy]

About the "long con".

I do not believe in that, as it would require a long term plan - in Thailand?

Seriously...

 

Most Thais are poor and uneducated, with no hope for a better future, no social security, no decent health care, no tradition of fighting for their rights. They live from day to day. Then comes along a "rich" farang who in their eyes is too keenoi to share his wealth with the family. Result: irritation and resentment.

 

[Rc2702]

Just at FILS today and the prince is slumped watching some crappy tv show while both his parents are working on the farm. All he does is yawn every 10 minutes. I'm thinking a car for a non driver may have some benefits lol.

 

Well my time is nearly up we got here at 1pm and it's now 5ish. First time I been here since I wrote the post about him.

 

All doors are locked upstairs as things are going missing at an alarming rate. Where is Bicycle? he says it's broken I say ok where is it? That was last exchange we shared. 

 

 

 

 

[oldhippy]

5 minutes ago, Been there done that said:

I have read similar types of posts from you and feel sympathetic to your situation. You seem one of the few sincere ones out here.

 

I can not understand though why you stay together with someone who does not give you the respect you deserve. 

 

I understand that their must be a positive history between you and your wife, which could make it all very difficult to split but anyone with good intentions deserves to be respected, in my opinion.

 

Good luck !

Thank you for the sympathy.

But I do hope that when you say I seem to be one of the few sincere ones here you are not refering to this thread! Lots of sincere posters here! You may want to choose your words more carefully.

Why I stay with my wife? Good memories, hope, and because I am 66 and too tired too start over. It is this or nothing - but yes it might well end as nothing.

 

 

[oldhippy]

13 minutes ago, Rc2702 said:

Just at FILS today and the prince is slumped watching some crappy tv show while both his parents are working on the farm. All he does is yawn every 10 minutes. I'm thinking a car for a non driver may have some benefits lol.

 

Well my time is nearly up we got here at 1pm and it's now 5ish. First time I been here since I wrote the post about him.

 

All doors are locked upstairs as things are going missing at an alarming rate. Where is Bicycle? he says it's broken I say ok where is it? That was last exchange we shared. 

 

 

 

 

It is a dilemma: should we help people that will pass on part of our help to others that are not worth being helped?

 

[Been there done that]

24 minutes ago, oldhippy said:

Thank you for the sympathy.

But I do hope that when you say I seem to be one of the few sincere ones here you are not refering to this thread! Lots of sincere posters here! You may want to choose your words more carefully.

Why I stay with my wife? Good memories, hope, and because I am 66 and too tired too start over. It is this or nothing - but yes it might well end as nothing.

 

 

Only you know which situation is/will be more tiresome, to stay in which you know or start anew. 

 

Take care.

[Been there done that]

20 hours ago, Rc2702 said:

Get to an AA meeting quick you dim wit. Your the one with the most problems here I suspect. I continue to furnish your bitter remarks where most put you on ignore. It's those few remarks you say that make me certain your that nut job from the family forum. What's his name? Yh you know who you are as do I Ben. Lol absolute fruitcake.

Ohh, now i am somebody else. Seek help before your paranoia damages the ones around you.

 

 

Stay clean.

 

To add, people, as you wrote, who put me on ignore are most likely afraid of the truth they do not want to read. So there is hope for you. Time will tell but first, stay clean !

Edited August 23, 2017 by Been there done that
Incomplete post

[GarryP]

It is not just foreigners. My sister in law was told by her parents that she should divorce her then husband (Thai) because he was useless and was bone idle. She agreed. Her parents then gave him a few Baht and told him to get lost. So she was left looking after her daughter but had family pitch in with helping to bring her up.

 

I too went through hell and back with my former wife (we did have good times).  She went into a very depressive state when our daughter died, which lasted about 2 years. It was a living hell. I would never have left her though as she could not support herself as she had been a 24 hour a day care giver for 10 years to our daughter who had severe cerebral palsy. So she never really had a chance to  create her own business or develop a career. When she came out of her depression she was soon diagnosed with cancer and died a few years later. I came to realize that my married life/wife had a severe adverse impact on my mental health. I don't mean I was crazy, but always questioning myself, insecure, OCD, and a load of other stuff thrown into the machine and spun together.  I started to see clearly after her passing and my mental health improved to the state where I feel happier now than I have in many many years. 

 

I am still here, still working and remarried, but the difference now is that it is my life and finally I am happy.  The original house I bought in my son's name is truly his now. I moved out, but we live within walking distance of each other, and bought a new house but this time in my name. 

[Andrew Dwyer]

Well, glad to see the thread back on track .

Ody and DL , despite their health issues, are moving along nicely and certainly have proven to those who've had enough of Thailand ( not me !, not yet ) that there is chance to return back to your roots and still be happy !!

 

New posters ( to this thread )coming out of the woodwork, enjoying Thaibeachlovers input on the NHS , always good to have remarks from someone with first hand knowledge of the remarkable ( IMHO ) work that our NHS doctors and nurses do. Admittedly there always be horror stories regarding the NHS but from what I've seen recently ( taking my 88 yo father for various treatments, including a pacemaker fitting ) there is still some very good work being done.

 

Rc2702 is still suffering from " poisonous BIL disease " and to add insult to injury has to deal with some rowdy posters, although I think the latest discussion could be more classed as friendly banter than anything else.

 

The rest, OH, Rhodie, AJ, George and Owl ? ( and others )are just going through the motions trying to keep their heads above water !!

 

As for me, I'm just starting out my journey but who knows I might be back in a few years to join the disgruntled lot of you !!

As I said before, I've been there done that ( sorry Rc ) and trying my best not to make the same mistakes again , not always easy.

But, for sure, if my life takes a downward spiral and history repeats itself you, my fellow TV posters, will be the first to hear about it [emoji51]

 

[sandrabbit]

7 hours ago, thaibeachlovers said:

BTW, in a Thai hospital YOU would have been expected to help him and give him the urine bottle etc. Thai nurses don't do personal care, as I found out when admitted one time. That's for the family to do.

I've had a night in intensive care in Bangkok/Rayong hospital with the nurse smacking the glass because i was experimenting  with bio feedback, was playing with heart rate etc as I could see it on the screen in the room ...........

 

If you want to meet some bright funny Thai women, they work in IE in BK/ RA hospital, they were stripping me off and they had a blanket over me and I said I wasn't shy and the immediate response was Thai nurses are shy lol. They asked if I was single, not, then do you have any nice friends?. My blood pressure was through the roof but I still think affectionately about that night. There are so many beautiful women here, married to one and family brilliant, it isn't all bad ........

 

DL you have to come back and have a beer on the beach here in Rayong, as I said before maybe we can all meet up and talk shit with a beer on the beach. 

 

Anyway look after yourselves because no one else will.

[Odysseus123]

10 hours ago, oldhippy said:

About the "long con".

I do not believe in that, as it would require a long term plan - in Thailand?

Seriously...

 

Most Thais are poor and uneducated, with no hope for a better future, no social security, no decent health care, no tradition of fighting for their rights. They live from day to day. Then comes along a "rich" farang who in their eyes is too keenoi to share his wealth with the family. Result: irritation and resentment.

 

Old Hippy,

 

I am having some problems with this line of defense because it was one I heard many times generally in shortened form.."But you are rich and we are poor.."

 

It did not seem to  me to be a sufficient explanation of the phenomenon that I was observing.

 

In nearly every case involving "white knights" around where I lived sufficient funds were placed at their disposal to improve the quality of housing,education,technical training and  transport and there was also the opportunity to learn English as well if desired.

 

There was only one teenager/young adult male who grabbed this opportunity with both hands and ran with it.The rest were perfectly happy to dodge school,fritter away a useless existence at a so-called university,refuse to seek any form of employment and spend their days on facebook/line doing sweet FA.

So,as far as this group was concerned, my response to the "we are poor" argument was.."You made your bed now you can <deleted> lie on it."

 

Which,I must admit,they appeared perfectly content to do as long as they could cadge money from somewhere.

Edited August 23, 2017 by Odysseus123

[George FmplesdaCosteedback]

8 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Well, glad to see the thread back on track .

Ody and DL , despite their health issues, are moving along nicely and certainly have proven to those who've had enough of Thailand ( not me !, not yet ) that there is chance to return back to your roots and still be happy !!

 

New posters ( to this thread )coming out of the woodwork, enjoying Thaibeachlovers input on the NHS , always good to have remarks from someone with first hand knowledge of the remarkable ( IMHO ) work that our NHS doctors and nurses do. Admittedly there always be horror stories regarding the NHS but from what I've seen recently ( taking my 88 yo father for various treatments, including a pacemaker fitting ) there is still some very good work being done.

 

Rc2702 is still suffering from " poisonous BIL disease " and to add insult to injury has to deal with some rowdy posters, although I think the latest discussion could be more classed as friendly banter than anything else.

 

The rest, OH, Rhodie, AJ, George and Owl ? ( and others )are just going through the motions trying to keep their heads above water !!

 

As for me, I'm just starting out my journey but who knows I might be back in a few years to join the disgruntled lot of you !!

As I said before, I've been there done that ( sorry Rc ) and trying my best not to make the same mistakes again , not always easy.

But, for sure, if my life takes a downward spiral and history repeats itself you, my fellow TV posters, will be the first to hear about it

 

I just wonder if you will take any notice of all the stories in this thread?

If you don't, like most, then I agree you will replace someone in a few years time, as it seems you expect to do.

"Going through the motions" is actually understanding what goes on and trying to deal with it, and avoid the traps after many years of experience.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!

Live AND learn.

 

 

 

 

[George FmplesdaCosteedback]

7 minutes ago, Odysseus123 said:

Old Hippy,

 

I am having some problems with this line of defense because it was one I heard many times generally in shortened form.."But you are rich and we are poor.."

 

It did not seem to  me to be a sufficient explanation of the phenomenon that I was observing.

 

In nearly every case involving "white knights" around where I lived sufficient funds were placed at their disposal to improve the quality of housing,education,technical training and  transport and there was also the opportunity to learn English as well if desired.

 

There was only one teenager/young adult male who grabbed this opportunity with both hands and ran with it.The rest were perfectly happy to dodge school,fritter away a useless existence at a so-called university,refuse to seek any form of employment and spend their days on facebook/line doing sweet FA.

So,as far as this group was concerned, my response to the "we are poor" argument was.."You made your bed now you can <deleted> lie on it."

 

Which,I must admit,they appeared perfectly content to do as long as they could cadge money from somewhere.

I think you are both right.

Long term plan is beyond them, but they know how to keep the original plan going as long as there is a money supply...

Only one plan: extract as much as possible until it dries up, no thought about the future. Thai nature!

But you guys know how cynical I am already.

 

 

[Rc2702]

Just now, George FmplesdaCosteedback said:

I think you are both right.

Long term plan is beyond them, but they know how to keep the original plan going as long as there is a money supply...

Only one plan: extract as much as possible until it dries up, no thought about the future. Thai nature!

But you guys know how cynical I am already.

 

 

Extractor fannnies.

 

 

[George FmplesdaCosteedback]

17 hours ago, thaibeachlovers said:

I think I can contribute to this discussion with some actual experience having been a staff nurse for over 20 years, and having worked in the NHS for 10 years.

 

No nurse that actually cares about their patients only works the paid hours, or only does what is in the job description. Sadly, while the great mass of people don't give as much as a thought to health workers till they need them, the patients themselves are sometimes the most ungrateful, demanding, and sometimes really horrible people put on the earth, not forgetting the occasional relatives/ friends that treat staff like c***.

I loved the job, but sometimes the people made it a horrid job, and that included the bullies among the senior staff. In the end, I survived by taking a theatre job that required minimal contact with patients, zero contact with relatives/ friends. Unfortunately, it didn't solve the bullying problem.

Not to say that there weren't some really nice patients, that were a pleasure to look after, but many had zero gratitude for the sacrifices we all made. I don't think any ward nurse does it for the money, as it's pitiful, for what nurses do. Likewise, the vast majority of nurses I worked with were wonderful and among the nicest people I know, but the rotten ones made life far more difficult than it needed to be.

It wasn't till I left the service that I realised just how toxic a job it is. I would certainly never recommend it as a career choice to any young person.

 

When I first started in the NHS many agency nurses were Aussies on OE, and did a great job, but the politicians decided to stop that because it cost too much paying agencies, and made hospitals mainly employ permanent staff, even if they were not as well trained as the Aussies. They also made many stupid economic decisions like contracting out ward cleaning, which led to filthy wards.

 

The big problems for the NHS as I see it are:

consultants have far too much power

management is incompetent, and too many managers

more interested in fancy buildings than patient care

too many people getting free treatment that were not British ( that may have changed ).

too much political interference

 

One problem that few of you will know is that the method of training nurses has changed from in hospital to university, which has been, IMO, a disaster, and a reduction in the number of dedicated nurses, requiring the importation of many overseas nurses, like the Phillipinos. The Phillipines trains far too many nurses to work in the Phillipines, with the intention that they will work overseas and send money home. I worked with many of them, and they are qualified, hard working nurses, but their culture is very different in the ward.

 

I could write enough for an entire thread on this subject, but I'll leave it there.

If any want some expansion on any aspect, only have to ask.

Thanks for a valuable contribution.

As an agency nurse were you paid at normal NHS rates, that is including the agency fee?

Were you trained for free in the UK?

I could write a considerably lengthy opinion on how the NHS has been funded and managed since it came to be almost 70 years ago.

But we are not talking politics.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Andrew Dwyer]

I just wonder if you will take any notice of all the stories in this thread?
If you don't, like most, then I agree you will replace someone in a few years time, as it seems you expect to do.
"Going through the motions" is actually understanding what goes on and trying to deal with it, and avoid the traps after many years of experience.
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!
Live AND learn.

 
 
 
 

Yes exactly George, this thread has plenty of advice for the newbie to LOS and could almost act as a survival manual for life and love in Thailand.
My story is a little different in that I suffered a similar fate as DL and Ody in a previous marriage but sought solace not in my home country but here in Thailand.
I can sympathise greatly with the tales of woe in this thread as my history ran a very similar course and eventually I had no choice, to regain my sanity, other than flee.
I fully intend not to allow history to repeat itself but we are but fickle beings and the temptations of the flesh are great here !!

Some would say " why buy when you can rent " but that's not my way !, okay I admit renting was okay at first until you find one that will serve you as a keeper !
This last paragraph, for me, is true for both women and accommodation [emoji51]

I do intend to live AND learn, and hopefully I am now wise enough to spot any traps, or to paraphrase " the long con ", and act accordingly.
In any relationship, in any country, there has to be give and take and if one side is a giver and the other side a taker then it surely is a recipe for disaster.
I am not expecting things to go sour as I believe I have enough life experience to keep my relationship alive. I do believe in the " insert any number: year itch " and when complacency sets in it is up to both parties to overcome this and not sit back and let nature take its course.

Communication is the key !!
Talking about your feelings early before it's too late can save the day !!

Anyway, enough of my waffling, that garden won't weed itself !! [emoji4]

[Odysseus123]

1 hour ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Yes exactly George, this thread has plenty of advice for the newbie to LOS and could almost act as a survival manual for life and love in Thailand.
My story is a little different in that I suffered a similar fate as DL and Ody in a previous marriage but sought solace not in my home country but here in Thailand.
I can sympathise greatly with the tales of woe in this thread as my history ran a very similar course and eventually I had no choice, to regain my sanity, other than flee.
I fully intend not to allow history to repeat itself but we are but fickle beings and the temptations of the flesh are great here !!

Some would say " why buy when you can rent " but that's not my way !, okay I admit renting was okay at first until you find one that will serve you as a keeper !
This last paragraph, for me, is true for both women and accommodation

I do intend to live AND learn, and hopefully I am now wise enough to spot any traps, or to paraphrase " the long con ", and act accordingly.
In any relationship, in any country, there has to be give and take and if one side is a giver and the other side a taker then it surely is a recipe for disaster.
I am not expecting things to go sour as I believe I have enough life experience to keep my relationship alive. I do believe in the " insert any number: year itch " and when complacency sets in it is up to both parties to overcome this and not sit back and let nature take its course.

Communication is the key !!
Talking about your feelings early before it's too late can save the day !!

Anyway, enough of my waffling, that garden won't weed itself !!

Well said Andrew,

 

We are all free to pick and choose our own life's adventures and the paths we walk down and it is good to "own" our mistakes and move on.

 

What you are seeing here now from me is just a sorting through the debris-the garbage if you will-which is only natural and it is good to do it in a "safe" place mainly free from intolerance.

 

Otherwise I feel curiously free..starting to detach from the irrationality of it all.I am basically up at the hospital seeing doctors and having tests most days and otherwise lead a modest life in a room provided by a good friend,one suitcase,1 mobile and 1 laptop.Life stripped down and free of harassment after six years of the exact opposite experience lifts the mind,body and soul.

 

The most mind blowing experience is a simple one.I am a mobility impaired amputee.People stop for me at zebra crossings.I wave and smile-they smile back and wave me on-I cross in safety-I look back amazed that they would do such a thing..

 

I come to another crossing-yup they do it again-bemused I contemplate life over a cappuccino...

[Andrew Dwyer]

Well said Andrew,
 
We are all free to pick and choose our own life's adventures and the paths we walk down and it is good to "own" our mistakes and move on.
 
What you are seeing here now from me is just a sorting through the debris-the garbage if you will-which is only natural and it is good to do it in a "safe" place mainly free from intolerance.
 
Otherwise I feel curiously free..starting to detach from the irrationality of it all.I am basically up at the hospital seeing doctors and having tests most days and otherwise lead a modest life in a room provided by a good friend,one suitcase,1 mobile and 1 laptop.Life stripped down and free of harassment after six years of the exact opposite experience lifts the mind,body and soul.
 
The most mind blowing experience is a simple one.I am a mobility impaired amputee.People stop for me at zebra crossings.I wave and smile-they smile back and wave me on-I cross in safety-I look back amazed that they would do such a thing..
 
I come to another crossing-yup they do it again-bemused I contemplate life over a cappuccino...

I know this feeling, when I left ( after 20 years of marriage) with my life belongings crammed into 2 suitcases and a backpack I felt a certain amount of freedom even while at the airport waiting for my flight !
I made camp back in Blighty for a while , back to my ageing fathers house, before entering my Thai adventure and the rest is history ( in the making ) !

What is interesting in this thread is that, although similarities exist, no two stories are the same. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for another.
Advice given is always helpful but can never be followed to the letter, most of us on here realise that .

I know, from experience, that failed relationships can be, and often are, painful and I wish all the followers of this thread the best of luck in their paths to peace and happiness.

[Kwasaki]

3 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

I know, from experience, that failed relationships can be, and often are, painful and I wish all the followers of this thread the best of luck in their paths to peace and happiness.

Where did the poisonous brother-inlaw play part.

Edited August 24, 2017 by Kwasaki

[oldhippy]

9 minutes ago, Kwasaki said:

Where did the poisonous brother-inlaw play part.

In Thailand many relations fail NOT because of wrong choice of partners, but because of family. (not only BiL)

You may want to read post #1.

And the follow up posts.

 

 

 

Edited August 24, 2017 by oldhippy

[transam]

3 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

I know, from experience, that failed relationships can be, and often are, painful and I wish all the followers of this thread the best of luck in their paths to peace and happiness.

Mine was after near 25 years..........

[Andrew Dwyer]

Where did the poisonous brother-inlaw play part.

In my case it was 3 poisonous brothers in law who added to my bad marriage experience, they weren't directly to blame for my marriage break up but they certainly helped divide my ex wife's family which in turn escalated the general decline in my part of the family.

A couple of examples:

Bear in mind that these are working class Brazilian's:

My MIL was diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease and over a period of 18 months she, for want of a better phrase, literally wasted away. Firstly she became wheelchair bound, then a special breathing mask was needed, her muscles became so weak she had to go to hospital for a " clear out". Near the end she couldn't close her eyes her muscles were that weak.
During this period the 5 girls ( my ex and her sisters) wanted to give her the very best treatment in her latter days.
The FIL had died some years previously and left a workshop, not in good condition but in a prime position in the centre of town. It had stood vacant for years and the girls wanted to sell to generate money for the sick MIL.
This needed a signature from all 8 children, the 3 males declined stating they couldn't sell as the workshop had been in the family for years.
5 days after the MIL passed the eldest son suggested that they could now sell the workshop and divide the profits !
As you can imagine WW3 broke out !!

On another occasion the youngest BIL forged his brother and sisters signatures, mine and 2 other BIL's ( married to the girls ) to obtain the responsibility for the Grandmothers house ( also vacant ) so he could rent it out for his own profit.
He managed to get everyone's id and social security numbers except for 1 American ( married to ex's sister ), no problem he just repeated my documents !!
This was then signed by the towns judge and gave him overall responsibility for the Gmothers house to sell or rent.
When the girls realised what was happening they had a hard time contracting a lawyer who was prepared to go up against the town judge, eventually it was resolved and the police evicted him.

On both these occasions, and many others, I was expected to foot the bill , being the " gringo rico ", my refusal to resolve their family problems made me the " gringo miserable " or cheap foreigner !!
Sound familiar yet ?

Although the thread is titled poisonous BIL's it has developed into general failures of marriage in Thailand and people making their escapes or living with the issues.

As I stated earlier mine is a different case but the overall outcome remains a familiar one tô TV members.

[thaibeachlovers]

10 hours ago, George FmplesdaCosteedback said:

Thanks for a valuable contribution.

As an agency nurse were you paid at normal NHS rates, that is including the agency fee?

Were you trained for free in the UK?

I could write a considerably lengthy opinion on how the NHS has been funded and managed since it came to be almost 70 years ago.

But we are not talking politics.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for your question.

I worked as an agency nurse at first and then became a full time NHS employee.

As an agency nurse my pay was significantly higher than as an employee, as it should be. The hospital paid the agency fee, not me.

The benefit of working for the NHS was that I got subsidized housing in London, beside the hospital. As an agency nurse I had to live 1 1/2 hours travel away from work. Three hours in a tube train every day was a bummer. Paid holidays was also a sweetener. On balance, with the subsidized housing and being able to work penal hours, it probably worked out slightly less financially, but far better for my lifestyle.

No, I trained elsewhere and came fully qualified to the UK, so my training cost them zero. Now it is university based training, I doubt it is "free", which is why it is hard to get enough British nurses now. The return of employment in the NHS on cost of training is not worth it.

Poaching trained nurses from poor African countries is in itself a scandal, but I doubt the NHS managers care, as long as they can get bodies willing to be underpaid for what they are expected to do.

In case you are wondering why I chose to work for a poor wage, it was better than the pittance I was being paid in home country, and more holidays than home country, so I had longer each year in LOS.

[thaibeachlovers]

6 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

I do intend to live AND learn, and hopefully I am now wise enough to spot any traps, or to paraphrase " the long con ", and act accordingly.
In any relationship, in any country, there has to be give and take and if one side is a giver and the other side a taker then it surely is a recipe for disaster.
I am not expecting things to go sour as I believe I have enough life experience to keep my relationship alive. I do believe in the " insert any number: year itch " and when complacency sets in it is up to both parties to overcome this and not sit back and let nature take its course.

Communication is the key !!
Talking about your feelings early before it's too late can save the day !!

 

Just a comment or 2.

I thought I could spot the con, and did everything to make them understand that the family would get no money from me, but they still thought I would change once married. When I didn't, it was just time before they poisoned her mind sufficiently to doom our relationship. Wasn't helped by me having to spend a lot of time away for financial reasons.

IMO, communication is just not an option in LOS. My ex refused to discuss anything when it started going bad. I still have to make an educated guess as to what really happened.

We had discussions before getting married, but looking back, I doubt that she accepted what I said, preferring to believe that she could change me. Not a fault exclusive to Thai women.

Re feelings, she said all the right things while growing apart from me, and the right things continued to be said right till almost the end.

 

Good luck, if you really want to try again.

[luk AJ]

Family for sure can be the reason for a failed marriage directly or indirectly. I don't care to much where the money I give her ends up but I can't resist comparing this with drip feeding. Once you completely close the money flow, I am convinced in many cases this could be the beginning of the end. For me it is a matter of balance, she is unable to participate financially but she really gives a lot in return. It helps that we are living in Bangkok far away from family and relatives. In the few occasions we visit her hometown it is nearly a line-up from the start of "friends" and relatives asking for small loans. We all know these have to be considered as gifts and she luckily can withstand this pressure. These so called friends even argue why they cannot get loans while she has money to renovate her house. Really they are without shame. Her parents are ok and the rest of the family are hard working people so probably this was my luck because honestly I was not thinking about the pitfalls as described in the many posts above. But even after 17y together I will always keep plan B which basically means that I am ready to walk away and leave all valuables behind. Even if all stops tomorrow, I won't regret anything..


Sent from my iPhone using Thaivisa Connect

[rhodie]

1 hour ago, luk AJ said:

Family for sure can be the reason for a failed marriage directly or indirectly. I don't care to much where the money I give her ends up but I can't resist comparing this with drip feeding. Once you completely close the money flow, I am convinced in many cases this could be the beginning of the end. For me it is a matter of balance, she is unable to participate financially but she really gives a lot in return. It helps that we are living in Bangkok far away from family and relatives. In the few occasions we visit her hometown it is nearly a line-up from the start of "friends" and relatives asking for small loans. We all know these have to be considered as gifts and she luckily can withstand this pressure. These so called friends even argue why they cannot get loans while she has money to renovate her house. Really they are without shame. Her parents are ok and the rest of the family are hard working people so probably this was my luck because honestly I was not thinking about the pitfalls as described in the many posts above. But even after 17y together I will always keep plan B which basically means that I am ready to walk away and leave all valuables behind. Even if all stops tomorrow, I won't regret anything..


Sent from my iPhone using Thaivisa Connect

I can relate to this as I am in a similar situation, but I have only been here 6 months and known her for 4 years visiting 3 months a year. Will not get married I hope, but may consent to a temple ceremony with no commitment for show if still here in a few years. She has 2 sisters but no BIL thankfully. Younger sister is a teacher and a gem that supports older sister who's Thai husband died a few years ago. Parents are OK, but poor rice farmers, but have land. Older sister has already had parents sell 2 lots. She really is a piece of work. Want me to buy them back. Not a hope in hell. I have built a modest house that I did for the enjoyment. Did not cost much and I will improve VERY slowly although it is 3br 2 bath so not shabby. Could have got a lease on it, but I try to follow the Only Invest What You are Happy to lose mantra. Quite happy to walk if too much pressure applied.

 

I just keep telling the same story. I only have a set amount I draw every month and I am not rich. If you tell them you have money, then they will want to tell the family and it is game on. But living in Bangkok 600 kms away has its advantages.

 

Having seen so many guys get burned over the years helps. It is almost ingrained into them and they just expect that is the way. And as pointed out in this thread, it is not only foreigners. The younger sister HAS to look after the older one and her 2 children because she can.

I am not harsh and I do give plenty, but only out of the monthly pot. And I will keep reading this thread just to keep me on my toes. 

 

[Kwasaki]

3 hours ago, oldhippy said:

In Thailand many relations fail NOT because of wrong choice of partners, but because of family. (not only BiL)

You may want to read post #1.

And the follow up posts.

Well the question wasn't put to you and the person it was has answered and it was 3 brother in-law,  he got himself into that position so up to him to get himself out.