A Few Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair.

Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.

A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right.

Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.

Then he started leaning forward.

This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart!"

Tom is driving over the Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Tom slams on the brakes and yells, "Shazza, what the hel_l d'ya think ya doin?".

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Tom. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill me-self."

Tom gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. "Shazza," he says, "Fair dinkum, not only are ya a top root, but you're a real sport too", and drives off.

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ -- depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features;

If she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his bum.

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing "It's the only type of cooking a'real' man will do". When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[Grover]

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing "It's the only type of cooking a'real' man will do". When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

I like jokes like this that expose the truth