Binge Drinking Wife

[jaideeguy]

I've been married 5+ years to a beautiful thai wife and mother of two and early in our relationship, it became aparent that she had a problem with alcohol. She is not a daily drinker , but occasionally she will go on a binge with her friends and drinks herself stupid. the latest episode she drank too much and came home with the kids on the back of her weaving motorcycle, then got horney, but vomited during the 'act'..i kicked her out of bed then later got out my self and stepped into her puke. real turn off and this same scenario has happened several times.

it occurs during holidays, birthdays, partys which there are a lot of here in LOS. she calls it sanook...i call it ugly discusting hel_l!!

i've tried many things to put an end to it...bribery, threat of divorce, cutting 'gifts' to her family, and have even allowed her to have an occasional chang beer at home, but the situation is getting worse, three times this month [holiday sanook?].

i've divorced an alcoholic falang woman, and had alcohol ruin many other relationships and don't want to let it destroy this marriage..

after the latest 'episode' i laid down my 'final' threat to dump her, but will continue to support the children and i'm so tired of seeing this same movie that i will stick to my guns this time. i've suggested AA, but she denies that she has a problem.

any suggestions out there??

[kayo]

Tough call.

Ultimately, she needs to acknowledge she has a problem with controlling her booze intake.

And that will mean for her, going back psychologically to the events (or combination of events) that have led her to this. What is it she is trying to forget?

She will most likely not wish to do this and you'll find it difficult to get her to want to.

If it were to become possible, maybe helping her to get involved in some sort of project whereby she helps others less fortunate than herself could trigger something positive that could be built upon.

I can't adequatly answer, but only contribute some suggestion.

But when she is at her lowest, I do feel you should be at your strongest. There' no point, in fact, maybe only destructive point, in getting angry when she is Out of it. I am thinking of your anecdote about puking during sex, for example.

Try to be cool when <deleted> like that happens.

It can always be talked about when she is sober and hopefully more rational, and clear headed.

Good luck, and interesting topic.

[pumpuiman]

You should quit drinking as a show of support. Next time she comes home drunk...take pictures, or even better, movies. Showing her these images when she's sober may allow her to see herself as others see her. Perhaps she would then be embarrased enough to consider doing something about it.

Good luck

[Mobi]

Hi,

I have had/do have a very similar problem, which I have been working on for quite a while.

There is no easy answser, and it will take a lot of patience and understanding to work your way through this and slowly get your wife to accept she has a problem and to modify her drinking habits.

If the the lady is worth it - and it sounds like she is - then stick at it.

In my case, one of the things that seemed to work the best was the real threat of me leaving - that seemed to bring her to her senses, and to acknowledge her problem.

Many have advised me to keep the moral high ground., and I have tried to do this, which also helps. That means, not drinking youreself, and try to avoid big fights. Just make her understand very clearly that you cannot go on like this.

If the relationship is important to her - and I'm sure it is - then the thought of losing you may make her think about what she has been doing.

It will all take time - she probably won't accept that she has a problem at first, but when you can show her time and time again that she is behaving very badly, she will eventually start to concede the point.

good luck.

Mobi

[solo siam]

Its interesting that alchohol has had such a role in your relationships, both past and current - as I would assume it was typically a fairly rare occurance to have drink figure so prominantly.

Often there's a certain relationship dynamic that sits below the radar, is there anything that you could be doing subconciously that is giving her signals that its OK to act like that? From your post it sounds like you might sometimes use alchohol as a reward and when it comes to holidays she is simply rewarding herself. Might it be an idea to do something else rewarding on holidays that doesnt involve booze, maybe a shopping trip, go to the cinema etc..

[jaideeguy]

Thanks guys, for your interesting and supportive feedback. I do appreciate the idea of videoing her next episode [iF], because she often has no memory [blackouts?] of the night before.

In all fairness to her, she is a good mother and wife 95+% of the time and this holiday season was quite stressful for us all and a good drunk is how she [and most Thais] deal with stress....that's why there is so much voilence, accidents and stupidity at this time of the year. it is so anti productive to see the way that the 'social ministry' is dealing with the alcohol abuse here in LOS. alcohol buying curfews, bans on advertising and duty free alcohol, when the real problem is in the baan, where there is a wiskey shop on every corner

I should also mention that she is in her mid 30's and i'm almost 60 but i learned the value of moderation in my early 30's. Maybe i'm expecting too much emotional maturity of her?? I'm not bragging when i say that i last drank myself into a puking/blackout state was in my teens....no fun and never again.

And i do believe in moderation and respect for that 'demon drink' and enjoy my couple of glasses of wine with dinner.

as far as me leaving her, that's not so easy as i have invested in quite a nice home that i don't want [can't afford ] to give up and it is in her name, but i will consult with an attourney to get a firm lease so i can have some leverage IF the shi* hits the fan.

Anyway, thanks again for the good food for thought and I will chew on it for a while and try to keep my cool.

THANK BUDDAH THAT THESE ###### HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!!!

[meadish_sweetball]

If her behaviour is not chastised or commented by anybody else in her Thai family it might be difficult to make her realise it is a problem. She may turn it around and say it is your problem since nobody else is complaining.

Either way you will have to make her realise it isnt a viable lifestyle in the long run to get that drunk.

[Chris Lawrence]

Hi Jaideeguy

You might also try Alanon; just see their web site might have some useful reading. I would imagine hard to get to a meeting in Thailand? How is your support network with other westerners? Can you talk with them.

From what I experienced, celebrations in the family were very strong. Somtimes you can make suggestions to your partner but then you need to have faith that they will take this advice.

While you are waiting for this to happen look after yourself.

Hope everything works out for you.

[taxexile]

and came home with the kids on the back of her weaving motorcycle

look after the little ones too.

good luck to you and your family.

[redrus]

I want to offer you some proper advise but, ironically, I've had a bit to drink. There has been good advise offered by trusted people already though.

I'd like to think about it before offering my thoughts but, in the meantime, re-read your sig and keep smiling.

redrus

[November Rain]

My boyfriend (Thai) was an alcoholic. A true alcoholic, not a binge drinker, so it's not exactly the same, but there were the same arguments, threats & unhappiness when he was drunk. He died this year & in hindsight, there are a couple of things I wish I'd done differently. One is I wish I'd stopped drinking while he was trying to. Like you, it was only a couple of glasses every night, but it must have been torture seeing that opened bottle in the fridge, or watching me drink when he couldn't.

The second thing I learnt too late, is don't threaten anything you're not willing to carry through. If you don't want to leave your comfortable home, don't threaten it.

The third thing I'd like to say is I don't think it's a good idea for you to video or photograph her. If she's totally blotto, it may provoke a violent incident. The slightest thing used to provoke my boyfriend when he'd had a skinful.

Your first priority here should be your kids, so you have to decide the course of action best for them & stick to it. Good luck.

[redrus]

My boyfriend (Thai) was an alcoholic. A true alcoholic, not a binge drinker, so it's not exactly the same, but there were the same arguments, threats & unhappiness when he was drunk. He died this year & in hindsight, there are a couple of things I wish I'd done differently. One is I wish I'd stopped drinking while he was trying to. Like you, it was only a couple of glasses every night, but it must have been torture seeing that opened bottle in the fridge, or watching me drink when he couldn't.

The second thing I learnt too late, is don't threaten anything you're not willing to carry through. If you don't want to leave your comfortable home, don't threaten it.

The third thing I'd like to say is I don't think it's a good idea for you to video or photograph her. If she's totally blotto, it may provoke a violent incident. The slightest thing used to provoke my boyfriend when he'd had a skinful.

Your first priority here should be your kids, so you have to decide the course of action best for them & stick to it. Good luck.

Wow, thanks for sharing that with us NR.

Big smiles and much love sent in your general direction....

redrus

[Thaicoon]

I did have the same problem with my wife, she has lived here in the UK with me for 10 years, did not touch a drop to drink, maybe the odd glass of claret, we live in a small town in Wales, my wife was the only thai in the town, up to about 4 years ago, then her cousen turns up one day, no where to go, left her ferrang husband, so we put her in a flat of ours, then the problem starts, wife starts visiting her, drinking bottles of tequilla etc & gambling, now this was happening every week, bottles of wine etc, i to have two daughters the one 15 who thinks her mothers behavior was disgusting, and a daughter of 5, now there are approx 7 thai ladys in the town and are all mates, the other ferrang husbands were getting the same problem, just because of this one relative, who is a bad influence.

She has now moved away, found a new ferrang (bless his soul) and everything is back to normal, my wife never drinks anymore, just the odd glass of wine if we go out for a meal.

Your wife may have the same problem, mixing with friend's who are a bad influance.

[jaideeguy]

I did have the same problem with my wife, she has lived here in the UK with me for 10 years, did not touch a drop to drink, maybe the odd glass of claret, we live in a small town in Wales, my wife was the only thai in the town, up to about 4 years ago, then her cousen turns up one day, no where to go, left her ferrang husband, so we put her in a flat of ours, then the problem starts, wife starts visiting her, drinking bottles of tequilla etc & gambling, now this was happening every week, bottles of wine etc, i to have two daughters the one 15 who thinks her mothers behavior was disgusting, and a daughter of 5, now there are approx 7 thai ladys in the town and are all mates, the other ferrang husbands were getting the same problem, just because of this one relative, who is a bad influence.

She has now moved away, found a new ferrang (bless his soul) and everything is back to normal, my wife never drinks anymore, just the odd glass of wine if we go out for a meal.

Your wife may have the same problem, mixing with friend's who are a bad influance.

Yea, you got it....in the past year her circle of friends has changed to the local drinkers [with her sister who is our maid] and of course they all encourage her to indulge. and i might add that she has told them about my disaproval and they all say that i am too controlling. maybe i am, but somebody has to control this insanity...

[MiG16]

this might sound weird...but how about take her out drinking yourself sometime? might be better than leaving her in the company of friends who are all about wanting to defy things to have fun (atleast thats partly what its sounding like..the friends thinking you dont like it..so they encourage her to do it more to be defiant....teenage psychology....)

also talk to her about the children..how it can affect them...to see their mother losing herself..not a pleasant memory for young children..and it will truly remain with them for a long time. not to mention the real danger of being on a motorbike (or in car or such!)

really good luck to you and the family. a lot of practical advice given..all I can stress is always remember to keep your cool. it doesnt help if you lose your temper...just makes things worse.

all the best.