Mental Health Hotline

MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE

1: If you are obsessive & compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

2: If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

3: If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 6.

4: If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

5:If you are delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

6:If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

7:If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

8:If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

9:If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

10:If you have amnesia, press 8 and state you name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

11:If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

12:If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later.

13: If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are far too busy to talk to you.