scottiejohn

Two women are talking over the garden wall and the conversation turns to money. “You know, Lauren, I’ve discovered a great way to get more money out of my old man. Last week I wore a low necked jumper when we went shopping and as I bent over the supermarket freezer one of my boobs popped out. You should have seen Bill, he nearly had a blue fit. I told him it was because I didn’t have enough money to buy a new bra so he’s increased my housekeeping. You ought to try it.” The following week, the two women met up for another chat and Lauren was asked if she had taken her friend’s advice. “Oh, it was a terrible,” exclaimed Lauren. “We were just about to go down the bingo when I lifted my skirt and told my husband I had no knickers on because I couldn’t afford to buy any. The old skinflint, he threw me a quid and told me to buy a comb.

When Putin began his first term in office… When Putin began his first term in office in 1999, he asked the then outgoing president Boris Yeltsin if he had any advice for him since he, Putin had no prior experience in politics but Yeltsin certainly new about it, especially uprisings and government overthrows! Yeltsin reportedly handed him two envelopes and said, if things go bad, open the first envelope. If things go really really bad, open the second envelope. In 1999 till early 2000, things got really bad, The Central bank defaulted in 1998 and the effects were felt everywhere, unemployment was rife, stores were empty and people were in the streets hungry, angry and protesting. In desperation, Putin reached for the bottom drawer and pulled out the first envelope, in a small note, it was typewritten “Blame your predecessor”. Putin blamed Boris Yeltsin, his predecessor for the woes of Russia, the dissolution of the Soviet Union as the biggest disaster in its history and told his compatriots to give him time and power and he would make Russia great again. It is now 2023, with The Central bank at near default, people protesting in the streets, economy in shambles, and a war that isn’t going well, I hope Putin hasn’t forgotten the second envelope in the bottom drawer. In that second envelope, there is a neatly typewritten note with the message; “Prepare two envelopes.”

You imply that you had an unspecified problem with one unspecified product and you think that entitles you to condemn the whole of that company's products on a public forum!

Come again please as I do not quite understand your spelling!

And also ditch and renew your tinfoil helmet!

How can something that does not exist in his world slow him down?

Most of the lines above "no pun intended" make no sense! How about reposting the above, after you have been off whatever it is for a while, in such a way that it makes sense to those of us on here who do not use the cr@p you seem to be wittering on about!

I agree! I thought that everyone knew that Apples are rotten to the core after a certain period of time! (please insert your own time frame...!)

And the kids then say Wow! lets go try the stronger stuff to which they do become addicted!

I nearly had a heart attack reading your post! Please confirm that "whining" is NOT a TYPO? ????

You misread the title! It is the list for Shortest, not longest books! Boris does however get an entry into the shortest list with his book entitled. "My truthful political answers"

His wife thinks he's the salt of the earth. That's why she keeps him in the cellar.

Animal Cunning A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Ronnie Barker: And we had hoped to have been bringing you Arthur the Human Chameleon, but this afternoon, he crawled across a tartan rug and died of exhaustion. But first, the news: The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister's question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Psychiatrist: What seems to be the problem? Patient: I think I'm a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long as this been going on? Patient: Ever since I came out of my shell.

Moral Of The Story A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

To do what?

And just why do you want those drones and guns? Since drones did not exist when the 2nd amendment was implemented (1791) are you trying to say you have a right to own and use them either weaponised or not?

How and when your benefits are paid - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk) PS; They are paid in Surname Alphabetical order unless you request otherwise A-! Monday !-W Friday

What has the depth of the units got to do with Bluetooth? was my question! It was not about how to repair or replace defective components! Neither you or I know what the backup/replacement philosophy is and is not germane to my question!

What has the depth of the submersible got to do with two devices less than 10ft apart connecting via Bluetooth?

FROM THE TWO RONNIES: RB: I say, Humphrey. RC: What is it, Godfrey? RB: See that tall chap over there? RC: Well-dressed, sprightly sort of bloke? RB: That’s him. Five years ago he was destitute — in rags. All due to drink. RC: Damned curse, drink is. Fancy another? RB: No, thanks. Luckily, he met one of those temperance chappies, who told him just to have a look at where his money was going to — the rich publicans, smartly dressed, with sports cars and places in the country, while he, the drunkard, was penniless. All due to man’s insa- tiable desire for alcohol. RC: And that put him on the right road, eh? RB: Absolutely. RC: Gave up drink completely? RB: No, he borrowed some money and bought a pub!

What is the 500 Baht reference about?

A secretary is going on her lunch break when she notices her clueless boss standing in front of a shredder. The secretary walks up and asks if he needs help. “Yes, please!” says the boss. “This is a one off and very important document, the only one in circulation. I just don't want too many people seeing it.” “Glad to help,” says the secretary as she turns on the shredder and inserts the paper. “Gee, thanks,” says the boss. “When will it be ready I only need the one copy.”

ART AND LITERATURE: WORLD’S SHORTEST BOOKS A Guide to French Hospitality True answers to political questions by any politician Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Different Ways to Spell Bob Everything Men Know About Women Everything Women Know About Men Staple Your Way to Success The Amish Phone Directory The Australian Book of Foreplay The Book of French Military Victories The Engineers’ Guide to Fashion The Lawyers Code of Ethics The Ronald Reagan Memoirs The Very Best of German Humour Things I Can’t Afford by Elon Musk Guide to Cities Without at least one Starbucks/McDonalds/7-11/KFC