scottiejohn

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and a Welshman walk into a bar and order a pint of beer each. Suddenly, a fly lands in each of their pints. The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders another one. The Welshman carefully removes the fly and continues drinking. The Scotsman picks up the fly, shakes his finger at it, and says, "Spit it out, ya bloody thief!"

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call. The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja”

Yet another 3/4 letter pointless post. If you wish to make a point I would suggest you spell it out!

You expect everyone who has had the misfortune to read your two puerile posts to take that action is beyond belief. It would be beneficial to readers of your comments as to info regarding who is the author and what is the author's background please!

What is the lie count difference between TRUMP and BIDEN?

Would you care to elucidate on that comment as many on here do not have your deep insight into the person you are referring to! PS: don't ask/tell me to use google etc!

Retiree takes a part time job in ASDA! On his first day, this horrid lady walks in to the store, yelling horrible things at her two children. The man smiles, and she glares back. Undeterred the man continues to smile and says "Oh, I love your twins!" Of course, her children are at least two years apart, and while they share common features, they certainly don't look like each other. "Are you bleeding blind, or are you just stupid? The lady snips back. "My kids aren't twins, you twit," The greeter continues to smile and replies, "No ma'am, I'm neither blind or stupid. I just figured they must be twins since no man in their right mind would have sex with you twice!"

A man goes down to a ranch to look at a horse! The rancher brings out a beautiful mare. "Can I see her teeth?" The man asks nicely. "Sure thing!" Says the rancher and opens her lips to show off her perfect teeth. "Beautiful! Can I see her tail and hooves?" The man asks. "By all means, partner!" Replied the rancher and turns her around to show her expertly manicured back left hoof and braided tail. "Lovely!" The man exclaimed "Now, can I see her tw@t "WHAT?!" Asked the rancher sharply. "Her tw@t, sir." The man said again "Can I see her tw@t?" The rancher gets furious, grabs the man by the neck, lifts the horses tail, shoves the man's face into the mare's rear and shouts "Get a good look you pervert!" "I don't know why you did that!" Huffed the man exasperated, "All I weawy wanted was to see her wun as in tw@t or canwer!" PS; Had to edit out the censored letter "a" with "@" in the tw@t!!! PPS; see twit below

She was just tracking his claimed lack of progress! It just goes to show the hurdles that a stallion has to go over to satisfy his filly!

Who had the bit between their teeth in that encounter and do we think that their relationship will remain stable? PS; Did one of them ask for another "gallop" or did they trot of into the sunset without a hurdle in sight?

What is this topic about? More pointless 3 letter abbreviations which are of no interest to the majority or understood by them!

he Gattling Goblin!

Maybe I should ask this question a different way. My problem is not to do with eyesight but the degradation in lens coatings on my specs. I bought these progressive specs from one of the BIG high street retailers in CM with added coatings which have partially worn away leaving the glasses useless. I have asked/complained at the shop but no luck as they say 19 months old!! At 70 YO will my eyesight have changed that much or could I use the prescription they used to order online. I used the same prescription at the same time to buy ordinary reading glasses (no coatings) which I can still use perfectly well? Thank you all for your responses so far!

Thanks yes I saw that episode!

Thanks. I will try them and see if they will do the prescription, for a fee. without purchase. The only problem is that many years ago I went to them and asked a fairly basic question regarding varifocals to be given totally false advice as I subsequently discovered!

The title is fairly obvious as I do NOT wish to go near a hospital for the prescription. I am looking for a paid for prescription that I can use with Zenna Optical.

But may also include Martina!

I don't believe that either Jesus or his father ever wrote a bible!

He will "regret" by rejoining under a different "avatar" which will be instantly recognised as him after half a dozen posts!

Mom was cautioning daughter, "When your boyfriend wants to kiss you, then say "DON'T" and when he hugs you, tell him "STOP" The daughter came back home happy. Mother asked, "So you sure did what I told you to?" The daughter said, "Yes Mom, I was so excited that I used both words together As in "Don't Stop"

I tossed a yield sign into a tornado once. Guess I was throwing caution to the wind. PS; I don't know if anyone noticed but this is the 60,000th post in this forum! PPS; "The office" once had to pay $60,000 for a two line joke; Michael Scott, excited to take girlfriend Carol on an all-inclusive vacation, sings a jokey lyric to the song “Two Tickets to Paradise.” Using even a small piece of the song, with altered lyrics, writer Jen Celotta later discovered, cost them $60,000. 'The Office': The Bizarre Story Behind the Show's $60,000 Joke (cheatsheet.com)

One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her. Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret drawer has popped open on her mother’s bed. Inside, was a very well presented box containing the most magnificent looking dildo she’d ever seen with instructions reading, “The Great magic dildo. To use it, just say the words 'Great Magic Dildo' followed by where you want it to pleasure you. USE WITH CAUTION!” "What have I got to lose, I need cheering up” the girl thinks. So, she lays down on her bed and says "Great Magic Dildo, vagina." The dildo immediately goes flying to her pussy, tears her underwear and rapidly penetrates her, making her cum harder than ever before. Feeling majestic and much happier, the girl lies down on the floor holding the dildo in awe when suddenly, her ex-boyfriend comes barging in and says "Hey listen, I want to talk to yo… what are you holding??" "It’s a Great Magic Dildo" Laughing, he says "Yeah right, great magic dildo my @ss."

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. "Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk. "Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt" She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt." I looked at her, confused and said; "That's actually not what I was going to say at all." "Oh.." she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?" "That's not how you spell manatee."

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "Where the hell is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!"