Jamesyboi

Little Johnny hears the word bitch at school. So he goes home and asks his mom "What does bitch mean". His mom answers "Bitch means people like you and me". Then Johnny hears the word shit. So he asks his mom what it means his mom says "Shit means food". Johnny hears [!#@%]. Being the curious person he is he asks his mom. She says "[!#@%] means changing clothes". Then his mom says "Johnny the president is comming so answer the door and tell him that the foods on the table and me and your dad are changing clothes up stairs". When the president comes Johnny says "Hi bitch, the shits on the table and my mom and dad are [!#@%]ing up stairs".

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mudpit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it.

The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out. The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.''

A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms.

''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.''

''Very well. Come with me.'' Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a blowjob.''

''But my friend, where is the danger in this?''

Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a cannibal.''

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 am. His wife is sleeping and he's trying to sneak into bed. He's lying in bed for a few minutes and farts.

His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown - I'm winning, 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna give her a doozy." He's lying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."

An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that it wouldn't blow away in the wind. ?

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat."?

"But madam, he said, "you must know that you're derriere is exposed!"??

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said,

"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!"

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, > where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at > the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

>

> 1. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

> 2. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as > the shopper ascends. 3. The shopper may choose any item from a > particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but > cannot go back down except to exit the building!

>

> So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

>

> On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

> Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

> She continues upward.

>

> The second floor sign reads:

> Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

>

> She continues upward.

>

> The third floor sign reads:

> Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good > looking.

>

> "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

>

> She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

> Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking

> and help with housework.

>

> "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she > goes

> to the fifth floor and sign reads:

> Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good > looking, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

>

> She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where > the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

> There are no men

> on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are

> impossible to please.

> "Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."

>

> To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a new wives > store just across the street, also with six floors and the same > rules.

>

> The first floor has wives that love sex.

>

> The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

>

> The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

lol

nice one melisa

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management

Whats the best thing about dating homeless girls?

You can drop them off anywhere.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

How do you stop a Taliban tank?

Shoot the guy pushing it.

Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping her boyfriend?

A: Wipe her butt

Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?

A blonde tried to shoot herself.

Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time? He didn't know if he was coming or going.

Just to clear up any confusion..

GUTS & BALLS

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really

know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the

definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being

met by your wife / girlfriend with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are

you still cleaning love, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling

of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife /

girlfriend on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically

speaking,

There is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in

death.

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking. One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.

She rolled her eyes and said, “There comes the ###### with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.” Her friend promptly replied, “Don't you have a vase?”

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?" "Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

There were these three guys at a football game and it just so happened that they were sitting behind three nuns. They couldn't see really well over their habits, so one of the guys says, "Man, I wish I lived in Ohio, there are only 25 Catholics there."

One of the other guys says, "Well, I wish I lived in Idaho because there are only 20 Catholics there."

Then the last guy says, "Well, I wish I lived in Oregon there are only 15 Catholics there." Then one of the nuns turns around and says, "Why don't you go to hel_l - there are no Catholics there!"

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart.

While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room. He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what's with her wearing the two coats?

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, ''FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!''

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A few minutes later, a man walks in and sits down beside her. He notices that she's a little depressed and asks her what's wrong.

"My boyfriend dumped me because he thought I was too kinky."

"Wow! What a coincidence! My girlfriend dumped me because she thought I was too kinky," he replies.

So they start talking, and find that they have a lot in common. After a few more drinks, they start feeling a little frisky and he decides to go home with her. Once they walk into her house, she excuses herself to go ''slip into something a little more comfortable." She dresses up in her leather mask, rubber bra with the nipples cut out, thigh high leather boots, everything. She grabs her whip and walks back into the living room and sees him putting his coat back on, getting ready to leave.

"Hey, where are you going? I thought we were going to get kinky!" The man looks at her all confused and says, "I all ready ######ed your dog and shat in your purse -- what more do you want?"

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.

He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren ...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.

In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.” And for plenty of good reasons:

1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting

2. It is a major component of acid rain

3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state

4. Accidental inhalation can kill you

5. It contributes to erosion

6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes

7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer

He asked fifty people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes and six were undecided. Only one knew that the chemical, “dihydrogen monoxide” was water. The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible are We?” He feels the conclusion is obvious.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.” Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Once a lady wanted to leave the U.S.A. but couldn't get a visa. One day, she met a man who told her not to dispair.

"l'll let you sneak aboard my captain's ship and take you to France, but you have to screw me every time I bring you food, okay?"

She accepted, and for about three months the guy brought her food and water and then she screwed him. This went on for about 3 months, at which point she was discovered by the captain. The captain asked what she was doing and she said a man was taking her to France if she screwed him every time he brought her food. The captain replied, "He sure is screwing you - this is the New York Ferry."

There were three men who got stranded on an island. A group of cannibals found the three men and took them to their place in the tropical rainforest of an island.

The cannibals told the three men to go in the rainforest and find ten of the same fruits each. So the three of them went into the woods to get fruits. An hour later they all came back.

The first man brought ten apples.

The Cannibals told the man to push all the apples up his ass with out crying, if he did not cry, the cannibals would let him go. The man pushed five up his ass then cried. The cannibals ate him.

The second man brought ten berries. The Cannibals told him to push all the berries up his ass without laughing, and if he didn't laugh, they would let him go. The man pushed nine up his ass then laughed. The cannibals ate him.

Up in heaven the first man asked the second man, "Why did you laugh, you were so close!" The second man says, '' I couldn't help it, the next guy came with ten pineapples. ''

Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, “Okay class, we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah.”

Sarah said, “Cows have spots.

Terrence said, ''Baseball is a sport.”

Carla said, “Computers are electronic.”

Bobby said, “Urinate.”

Mrs. Flebs said, “Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence.” Bobby said, “Not ‘urinate’, it's you're an eight. And if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten.”

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!" "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

A guy who has a stuttering problem says to his doctor... "Ex-Ex-ex-cu-cu-se me-me d-d-oc but-but I-I have th-th-this st-st-stuttering problem and I-I-I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could help m-m-m-me?"

"Well, take off your clothes and get into this gown and let me check you over!"

The guy gets into the gown and the doctor begins his examination. Finally the doctor, obviously suprised says, "I see what the problem is. Your penis is so large that it's pulling on your abdominal muscles, which in turn is causing strain on your vocal chords."

"W-w-w-well c-c-can you h-h-help m-m-me?"

"Sure I can, but we'll need to cut off about six inches!"

"G-g-go a-a-a-head,D-D-Doc,I-I-I-I can't t-t-t-take this an-anymore, d-do it!!!"

Six months later the guy goes back to the doctor. "Well doc," he says, "I must say that the operation was a great success, but my sex life really sucks and I would like my operation reversed. Please put back what you took off!" The doctor replies, "F-f-f-f-f-###### off!!!"