Jamesyboi

Three college students were in England and were told they had to go to a great old pub called "The Cock Inn". They went off in three different directions and planned to meet back at 3:00.

Two of the guys arrived back on time but there was no sign of Harris. At 4:00 he came back with the clothes ripped off him and blood pouring from his head. The guys asked what had happened, Harris replied, "I was walking down the road and I saw a man and woman behind a bush and I asked them, "How far is The Cock Inn?"

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near the outback.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

So he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the hel_l is it with these Chinese customs of yours? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs." "What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs." "Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must chase Chicks, drink Piss, and listen to Bull-shit."

15 ways to tell if you are a Collingwood Fan

1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.

2. You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front

of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."

5. Someone in your family once died right after saying, "Hey, watch

this!"

6. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

7. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.

8. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: " Carn the

Pies!"

9. You lit a match in the kitchen and your house exploded.....right off

its wheels.

10. The market value of your car goes up and down depending on how much

petrol is in it.

11. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

12. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

13. You can't marry your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

14. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

15. Your front veranda collapses and kills more than five dogs.

______________________________

Mick Malthouse goes to a football reunion at Richmond and starts

chatting with Terry Wallace. Terry says to Mick, "Well Mick, I don't

know what you think of your players at Collingwood, but mine here are

all bright and brilliant." "How do you know?" asks Mick. "Oh well, it's

simple", says Terry. "We put them through a special intelligence test

before they can play here. Just pick any of my players and we will see

how well he does. "Mick thinks for a while and then nominates Matthew

Richardson. Terry calls him over and asks him,

"Tell me Matty, who is the child of your father and of your mother who

is not your brother and is not your sister?"

"Ah, that's simple plow," says Matthew, "it's me".

"Well done Matty", says Terry, and Mick is very impressed.

Mick returns to Collingwood and wonders about the intelligence of the

team. He calls in Buckley and asks," Nathan, tell me, who is the child

of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not

your sister?" Nathan thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer.

"Can I think about it a bit more Mick, and I'll give you an answer

tomorrow?"

"Of course," says Mick, "you've got 24 hours. But it is very important

that you come up with the answer."

Nathan goes away, thinks as hard as he can, and then he calls in his

team-mates. Rocca thought it might be his Grandpa but wasn't sure.

Tarrant was certain that it couldn't be anyone. McKee admitted he was

sacked from Richmond for not knowing. Cloke also owned up to failing the

test while trying to get a position at Punt Rd. Prestigiacomo thought it

could be a cousin in Italy who had been adopted as a child.

The rest of the team wouldn't even hazard a guess. Licuria went into the

foetal position. 20 hours later, Nathan is very worried that he still

has no answer with only 4 hours to go. Eventually Nathan says

"I know, I'll ring James Hird! He's clever, he'll know the answer."

He calls James. "Hirdy," he says, "tell me, who is the child of your

father and of your mother who is not you brother and is not your

sister?" " Very simple," says James, "it's me!"

"Of course!" says Nathan and immediately rings Mick.

"Mick," says Nathan, " I've got the answer: it's James Hird."

"No, you idiot," says Mick. "It's Matthew Richardson

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could ya nip oopstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother" he says, and he runs up stairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old daughters sitting on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me oop here to shag ya borth."

"<deleted> off ya liar!"

"i'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Borth of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or

boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in

Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty

Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and

your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our

surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's

trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute

intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine

products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,

"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and

told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a

Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he

began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a

mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the

Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants

were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the

"Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"

using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled

"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,

assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices

again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a

while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown

Store Manager

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he

didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years." Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his

head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.... And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.

Whispering..

Dave.

Dave........

Dave......

Dave........

.................you're a vet!

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."

The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."

The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.

The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"

"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

three mice were in a bar, talking shit about how tuff they are...

the first one slams down a tequila shot in a manly fashion then boasts "im so tough that i deliberately break into the cupboard and eat the rat poison!"

the second one slams down some tequila and boasts "im so tuff i go to rat traps, steal the cheese then bench press the trap arm!"

the third mouse slams down his tequila and walks off towards the exit of the bar.

the other two mice say "hey pansy, where do you think your going?"

the 3rd mouse says "im going home... theres a cat that needs a root"

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I'm not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

Students at the City of London Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by telling them:

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted." The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the arse of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the arse of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them:

"The second important quality is observation. I sunk the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people!"

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.

The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,"

The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit."

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!"

Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."

Bill: "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine."

To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft."

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went. But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water....... I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it!"

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a

sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very

important client.

The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the

secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her

boss told her...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to

think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.

After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only

marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement

ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat

diamond tiara."

The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and

says, "No problem! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the

man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As

a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the

best wine country in France."

The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular

phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks

at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I

build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary

knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time

to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition.

She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,

"Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch

penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his

hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering

in African dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his

head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I

cut. I cut."

Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hel_l, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," the devil says. "You're on my list, but I

have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell

you what I'm going to do...

I've got a couple of people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let

one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide

who leaves."

Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the

first room.

In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and

surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in

hel_l.

"No," bin Laden said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I

don't think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini

with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that

hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I'd be in constant agony if

all I did was break rocks all day," bin Laden commented.

So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying

on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a

spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does

best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can

handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

A guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, "What's the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "What's the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "What's the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

3rd guy "Because you don't have any ###### ears to hang glasses on."

Q: What's the difference between a beer and a woman?

A: You can have more than one beer and not feel guilty.

Q: Why did cavemen drag cave women by the hair instead of by the legs?

A: So they wouldn't fill up with dirt.

Q: What's the similarity between women and Kentucky Fried Chicken?

A: Once you're done with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

how many eddie maguires does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to hold the lightbulb while the whole world revolves around him

how many lebanese does it take to change a lightbulb?

5, 1 to change the lightbulb, 4 to go "omg, fully sic uleh"

how many carlton footy players does it take to change a lightbulb?

they cant, cause they cant reach the top of the ladder

how many athiests does it take to change a lightbulb?

whats the point as they wont see the light anyway

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am," he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did

you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on

the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if

we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,

I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to

be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of

his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider

their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get

the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep

to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes," the photographer replied, "and, for more than three hours, too."

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly

concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just

had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on

your, um, equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.

Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's

much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."

The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."

The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.

The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"

"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

Three guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they're all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other...

The first guy says, "Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!"

The second goes, "Shit that's nothing I was so tanked that I drove my ###### car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!"

The third guy says, "That's nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole ###### apartment on fire - the insurance won't cover it, plus my girlfriend left me."

The first guy leans back in and whispers, "I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog."

Different degrees of blondeness

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief She takes the gun and puts it to her head The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE

What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?... Her ankles.

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house Ransacked and burglarized. She

telephoned the police at once and The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,

patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

Q: Why does it work?

A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?

A: Because it kept falling out.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?

A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why did God create blondes?

A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did God create brunettes?

A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?

A: The joystick is wet.

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?

A: The more you bang it the looser it gets

Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?

A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?

A: Two brunettes

Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?

A: A blond doing cartwheels.

Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?

A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?

A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?

A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!

Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?

A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?

A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?

A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?

A: Because she got an F in sex.

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?

A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?

A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?

A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?

A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?

A: They both drip when they're f**ked.

Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"

A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?

A: Locking the car door.

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.

Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and then sends him to his room. On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.

The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."

The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself."

The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."

The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."

The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day." "Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.

When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.

A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."

It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''

A guy was taking a new bus route for the first time. He sat down and watched as a woman got on the bus. When the driver looked at her, she took her right hand and put her thumb on her forehead and waved her fingers at the driver.

The driver then took both of his hands and put the thumb of his right hand on his forehead and the thumb of his left hand on his right hand and he waved all of his fingers at the woman.

The woman then took her right arm, extended it, and ran her left hand up her arm. The driver, in response, extended his right arm and ran his left hand down his arm.

The lady then proceeded to grab her right breast.

The driver reached down and grabbed his crotch.

The lady turned away from the driver, grabbed her butt and got off the bus. The man was amazed at this. When he got to his stop, he asked the driver about the lady.

"What did that lady and you say to each other a couple of stops back?" he asked. The driver replied, "Oh, the deaf woman? It's very simple. I told her that the fare was 10 cents. She asked if I was going uptown. I told her that I was going downtown. She then asked me if I was going by the dairy. I said that I was going by the ballpark. She replied, 'Oh, shit! I'm on the wrong bus!'"

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.

Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.

“Shawn,” said Pat, “can you hear me?”

Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.”

Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?”

”Yes, I do Patty,” Shawn strained.

“And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?” said Pat.

“Yes Patty, I do,” whispered Shawn.

''It's a very ‘old’ bottle now, you know,” urged Pat.

“And what are you gettin' at Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly.

“Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?”