Boater

Following questions and answers were collated from last year's English GCSEs. (16 year olds)

Science

Q : Name the four seasons.

A : Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q : Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A : Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q : How is dew formed?

A : The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q : What is a planet?

A : A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q : What causes the tides in the oceans?

A : The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q : What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A : If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q : In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A : Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q : What are steroids?

A : Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q : What happens to your body as you age?

A : When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q : What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A : He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q : Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A : Premature death.

Q : What is artificial insemination?

A : When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q : How can you delay milk turning sour?

A : Keep it in the cow.

Q : How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)

A : The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q : What is the Fibula?

A : A small lie.

Q : What does "varicose" mean?

A : Nearby.

Q : What is the most common form of birth control?

A : Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q : Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."

A : The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q : What is a seizure?

A : A Roman emperor.

Q : What is a terminal illness?

A : When you are sick at the airport

Q : Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A : Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

English

Q : Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.

A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q : What does the word "benign" mean?

A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

Q : What is a turbine?

A : Something an Arab wears on his head.

An enterprising, but bashful sailor finds himself on shore leave in

Thailand for his first time. While the rest of the guys are out having a

jolly good time in the red light district of Pattaya, our hero just can't

get up the nerve to ask the local girls how much it costs for a good

time. He sits at his table for a moment watching the girls, and devises a get laid plan. One of the local girls approaches him and asks, "Wat is you name?"

He replies, "Rick Venus"

She says, "Lick Penus?"

He says, "Sure how much?"

But who will he replace as manager?...... Brit, German or Even a Thai National?

good idea...

so your girlfriend works in a massage palour?.... i take it you must have known her for all of 5 minutes, as it normally takes 2 mintutes to work out is the shop is 'real' or happy ending....

But to say this, somegirls who work, do actually only give massages!

On another note, when you met her in the shop ( sorry if you didnt ) did she offer you extra services?

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open totrade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

very good

Last time i checked it was still there, it is located in Fishermans Village, more or less next door to Billabong Surf Club,

I have eaten there once, but found it to be very expensive and the portions are a bit small.....

Two Thais arrested for stealing and using foreign tourists' credit cards

BANGKOK: -- Two young men have been arrested for stealing and using credit cards of foreign tourists, a senior tourist police officer said Saturday.

Pol Col Samran Yindee-arom told a press conference that Wansawang Puawongpaet, 19, and a 15-year-old boy were arrested Friday afternoon in a Lotus Superstore in Bangkok's Bang Plad district while using stolen credit cards to buy phones.

Police found Bayerscne LandesBank Visa card and Nippon Shinpan Visa card with them as well a Deutsche Bank debit card on them.

-- The Nation 2008-

well it doesn't take sherlock homes to realise a 15 year old boy using a credit card with the name Herbet Van Winkle may not be his but then again TIT.....

Hey,

I am looking to see if there is a Phuket Expat Club,

I know of the Lions Club , Rotery club ect ect

but was looking more at the working group on Phuket 20 -40 age bracket , for football, cricket and general sunday pub activities.....

Is there one here, or a need to set one up...

Please note, i do not wish to offend anyone with the 20-40 image .....

thanks

what is UK PSP ? could not find on google..

Tx

are they legal to import?

more tea money for the BIB and the goverment.......

banning internet in thailand .... never , slapping a 200thb fine if caught using the internet more realistic.....

saying expensive, look at the 02-03 models, they have one for sale at 8.8 Million THB .... lol

I think they meant 880K. Ha ha ha

we hope..

An Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported.

Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him.

The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.

Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard

"Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport.

The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

A Blonde And A Brunette Are Running A Ranch Together. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $800 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. “It’s the only one I’ve got for $799, take it or leave it.” She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, “I’d like to send a telegram to my friend that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer.”

The man behind the counter tells her, “Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word.”

She thinks about it for a moment and decides. “I’d like to send one word, please.”

“And what word would that be?” inquires the man.

“Comfortable.” replies the brunette.

The man asks, “I’m sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?”

The brunette replies, “My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow…”

10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?

9) Is lighter fluid flammable?

8) What hurts more falling off a building, or a cliff?

7) Are knives sharp?

6) Can sharks hurt a human?

5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?

4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?

3) Can I eat broken glass and live?

2) Can dogs talk?

1) Are blondes really dumb?

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole-digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team.

But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.”

I challenge you NOT to think dirty.All of the answers in this quiz are NOT obscene or dirty in any way.

VOCABULARY TEST FOR THE DIRTY MINDED:

1) What is a 4-letter word that ends in “k” & means the same as intercourse?

2) What is it that a cow has 4 of & a woman has only 2 of?

3) What can you find in a man’s pants that is about 6 inches long, has a head on it, & that women love so much that they often blow it?

4) What word starts with “f” & ends with “u-c-k”?

5) Name 5 words that are each 4 letters long, end in “u-n-t” one of which is a word for a woman?

6) What does a dog do that you can step into?

7) What 4 letter word begins with “f” & ends with “k”, & if you can’t get one you can use your hands? What is hard, 6 inches long, has 2 nuts & can make a girl fat?

9) What 4 letter word ends in “i-t” & is found on the bottom of birdcages?

10) What is it that all men have one of; it’s longer on some men then on others; the pope doesn’t use his; & a man gives it to his wife after they are married?

ANSWERS

1) TALK

2) LEGS

3) A 20 DOLLAR BILL

4) FIRETRUCK

5) BUNT, HUNT, RUNT, PUNT, AUNT

6) PANTS

7) FORK ALMOND JOY CANDY BAR

9) GRIT

10) LAST NAME

YOU PEOPLE SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!

I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE THINKING!!

Big C, Tesco and Carrefore do a selection, i find Carrefore to have the better of them all.... Try the Roast Duck and Noodles, Chicken in Oyster Sauce with rice... they are not that bad!

Tx

check this out http://www.windguru.cz/int/index.php?sc=121272

if this is correct, better start building an ark! about 25cm of rain next wed/thur

it was only a week ago i was complaining about too hot and dry! better learn to stop complaining about the weather on TV!

You wanna see Thursday, 61 mm in 3 hours , now that will cause some serious flooding!

Good luck samui!, i think i will stay in Phuket for that week.........