ballpoint

I got my wife a pair of crocs. She didn't like them but I thought they looked great on her. Especially the one around her throat.

My mate quit his job at BMW. We were shocked. He gave no indication he was leaving.

Julius Caesar calls his favourite general Brutus to the forum. "Brutus" he says, "you have been a great help to Rome, what can I give you as a reward"? Brutus immediately replies "I wish for nothing than to serve Rome". Caesar looks pleased but responds "And Rome is grateful for your devotion, but I feel I must reward you some small token. On the table to your left you will see the skin of a Nubian slave, carefully preserved and stuffed with a million smarties, take this as a small token of our gratitude". Brutus thanks Caesar, and takes the smartie stuffed Nubian slave home with him, stuck it in a cupboard and forgot all about it for a while. One day he was really really bored, so he decided to count the smarties in the Nubian slave. He got the slaves skin out of the cupboard, opened the mouth and started taking out smarties, counting them as he goes. After more than a few hours he found there were 999, 996 smarties. He shook the now empty Nubian skin, looked under the table, but nowhere could he find the last four smarties. Brutus was a little bit miffed, he loved and respected Caesar but felt cheated that the emperor would short change him four smarties, so he called for his chariot and rode off to the forum. Brutus arrived just in time to find Caesar staggering out of the forum, his toga running with blood from dozens of stab wounds. Caesar saw Brutus, staggered towards his favourite general and collapsed in his arms, uttering the now immortal words "Et Tu Brute". Brutus looked at the dying emperor and said "Well who ate the other two then"?

I crossed a collie with a pit bull. Now I have a dog that rips you to pieces and then goes for help.

DAD! DAD! there's a man at the door with a bill. Don't be daft son. It must be a duck with a hat on.

I never thought I would get over my Phil Collins obsession... But take a look at me now.

I heard that Burt Bacharach died just as he was to release a charity song for those in Turkey and Syria. Rooftops Keep Falling On My Head

There's an old army veteran living in the public toilets at my local park. Apparently, he used to be a colonel, but now he's just a loo tenant.

Ladies, if a man says he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every other week.

My Turkish barber had a collection for the earthquake victims. **** knows what they're going to do with 20 pounds of hair clippings.

I've started a new website which rates happy ending massages on their firmness. For more details, head over to GripAdvisor.

I jumped into a bucket of creosote earlier today. No particular reason, just thought I'd treat myself.

I’ve been accused of making love to a woman when she was asleep. In my defence, she was awake when I started.

A widowed woman was sunbathing on a quiet beach when a man of similar age placed his towel nearby, lay down and began reading a book. Being lonely, she attempted to strike up a conversation. "How are you today?" "Fine, Thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book again. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely", she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, quite nearby", he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How on earth, did you know that was what I wanted?” “Well, Madam”, the man replied. "How did you know my name, is Katz?"