ballpoint

If you're going to wear her pants, the least you could do is wash them before giving them back.

People have accused me of bare faced plagiarism. Their words, not mine.

It's proving very difficult to find a shop selling "Left Guard" for my other armpit.

I was having a coffee the other day when a very old couple walked in and asked if they could sit at my table. I agreed and the gentleman sat down while his wife went to the counter. I said “I hope you don’t mind but you seem quite mobile for your age, how old are you?” He said “I’m 94 and my wife’s 90” “Wow! How long have you been married?” “71 years” “That’s some going” “Yes but we’re getting divorced next week” “Really, after so long? Why now?” “Well, we haven’t been getting on for a while but we thought we’d wait until the kids were dead”

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

Today, I was asked to go out by more than 15 girls. I was mistakenly in the women’s bathroom.

I was cleaning out my attic today and after only 10 minutes I found a black vinyl disc about 7 inches across with a small hole in the middle. Is this a record?

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, superhot, and seems different to most guys she's met. They arrive at his place and head straight to the bedroom and she immediately notices a shelf unit full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle there are medium-sized bears, and the top full of large teddies; all neatly displayed in rows. She now begins to think that he's sentimental, sensitive and sweet and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she feels an overwhelming urge to give him the best night of his life. She therefore starts off by giving him a porn-style sloppy <deleted> before allowing him to do what ever he likes. She completely gives her all to the session. In the morning, she's slowly dressing and noticing him waking, so asks: "How was that?" He yawns and replies: "Not bad at all. Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

An old boy goes into the pub, orders a pint and asks the new landlord where the free snuff is? The landlord knows nothing about this, but is increasingly frustrated by the old boy’s insistence that there should be free snuff, so he goes out back, finds some dried dogpoop, grinds it up into a powder and presents it in a nice box to the old boy. As the old boy is pinching and snorting he’s joined by another old guy. “Have you trod in dogpoop?” asks the first old boy, to which the other guy checks his shoes and replies that he hasn’t and can’t smell dogpoop at all. “Try this snuff, that’ll sort your sinuses out a treat”, so the other guy pinches, snorts and his eyes widen. “That’s good snuff, I can definitely smell it now…”