ballpoint

The problem is they're dyslexic as well as dysfunctional, and think they got a melon.

Here's one of them. I bet some can't wait to buy the whole set. 'Losing the plot': Trump mocked for latest 'major announcement' (msn.com) And another... No comment is needed, other than narcissistic sociopath. Trump ridiculed for ‘major announcement’ that he’s selling digital trading cards (yahoo.com)

£7.50 to see Father Christmas! Waited in the queue for ages for a ONE-minute meeting and a proper rubbish toy, what a rip-off, FUMING!! So glad I never took the kids!

"So Mr Bond, it appears you have made an error, an error that will cost you dearly" "And what might that be?" "Before you came here, you forgot to switch your central heating off"

My tackle got me banned for 10 games! Indecent exposure is taken very seriously.

I've got over 4m followers on my "how to catch a virus" YouTube channel. I'm an influenza.

Two candles were talking, one said "what you doing later? the other one said "dunno, might go out "

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began. -The client: is room 39 empty? -The boss: yes, sir. -The client: can I book it? -The boss: of course you can. -The client: thank you. Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g. The boss agreed though he was surprized at the weird things the client asked to have. The client went into his room, he didn't ask for food or anything else. Unfortunately for the boss, his room was next to room 39. After midnight, the boss heard strange voices and noise in that client's room. Voices of wild animals and of utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor. The boss didn't sleep that night. He kept thinking and wondering what might be the source of the noise. In the morning, when the client handed the keys to the boss, the latter asked to see the room first. He went to the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual. He even found the thread, the black knife and the orange on the table. The client paid the bill and gave the bellboys a very good tip and left the hotel smiling. The boss was in a shock but he didn't reveal what he heard to the bellboys. In fact, he started to doubt himself. After one year, the client showed up again. He asked to see the boss again. The boss was in a puzzle. The client asked the same things: room 39, black knife, white thread 39cm and an orange 73g. This time, the boss wanted to know the truth by all means possible. He spent a sleepless night, waiting for something to happen. After midnight, the same voices and noises started, this time louder and more indecipherable than the year before. Again, before leaving, the client paid his bill and left a large tip on the table for the bellboys. The smile didn't leave his face. The boss started searching for the meaning of everything the client asked to have. Why did he ask room 39? why the white thread? why the black knife??? In fact, the boss didn't arrive to any convincing answer to all these questions. The boss now was eagerly waiting for the month of March, the month in which the client showed up. To his surprise, on the first day of March, the same client showed up. He asked the same questions. Wanted to book the same room, wanted to have the same things as before. The boss again heard the same noises, this time more louder than before. In the morning, when the client was leaving the hotel, the boss apologized politely to the client and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room. -''If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?'' -''I promise I will never let anyone know''. -''Swear'' -''I swear I won't reveal your secret'' So finally, the client revealed his secret to the boss. Unfortunately, the boss was a sincere person. Until now he hasn't revealed his secret to anyone. When he does, I will let you know... thank you for reading.

Did you hear about the new Origami Porn channel? It's paper view only.

If France win this, they have a good chance of being the reigning football and rugby world champions following next year's rugby world cup, where they are one of the favourites. We'll never hear the end of it.

A deserter from the notorious 64th Separate Guards Motor Rifle Brigade - the one responsible for the Bucha massacre, under the command of Azatbek Omurbekov, better known as the Butcher of Bucha, speaks to CNN. Hopefully people like this will testify in the war crimes tribunals when this is finally over.

"Medley: Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In (The Flesh Failures)" (commonly called "Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In", "The Age of Aquarius" or "Let the Sunshine In") is a medley of two songs written for the 1967 musical Hair" Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In - Wikipedia

If you had been in Kittyhawk on December 17th 1903 watching a heap of wood, canvas and wires briefly hop across a field, and claimed that 65 years later someone would fly to the moon, they probably would have laughed at you. When Lise Meitner and Otto Frisch discovered nuclear fission in December 1938 - something requiring neutrons, which were themselves only discovered in 1932 by James Chadwick - who would have guessed that, just four years later on December 2nd 1942, Enrico Fermi and his team would produce the first controlled fission chain reaction, and on June 27th, 1954, the first nuclear power station to supply a national grid would open in Russia? Never underestimate the speed of technology development once a major barrier has been crossed. (Especially one that was crossed in December).

At least I've still got my hair.

Did that just dawn on you?

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind but I do have one more question." "And what is that, my son?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"

The teacher asks, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' Johnny shouts out 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles embarrassedly and says, 'Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful.' Johnny replies, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a <deleted>.'

I went in to a pet shop and asked to buy a goldfish. The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

What would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men? Women would say: They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts. Here's Men's rebuttal..... Yeah, and do you know what they would have said when they left? "Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?" "That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!" "Can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in the house?" "I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!" "And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!" "Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dish back?"

I met a lovely girl, who tragically lost both her hands in a terrible accident. She just asked me if I was getting her a Christmas present. "No", I replied, "you haven't opened last years one yet.

When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken. “Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.