ballpoint

Coming soon; Every missile that Russia fires will land in the sea, somewhere off the coast of Japan.

The UK is well and truly trussed up and ready for the oven. Unlike Boris's Brexit deal.

I like talking down to people

I should have cushioned the punchline.

Rumour has it that the floods in Pakistan were deliberate, and caused by a Suicide Plumber.

Our local supermarket has had a makeover and they’ve created what they call immersive shopping experience. As you walk into the shop, you pass beautifully stacked fruits and vegetables in a light cloud of mist. Go to the oranges and there’s a gentle, sweet smell of freshly squeezed orange juice. Around the potato, there the smell of newly fried chips. Get to the deli counter and your senses are triggered by the sound and aroma of sizzling bacon. The fish counter has gentle sounds of the ocean, with gulls crowing. Go for some eggs and there’s the sound of free range chickens clucking and pecking. The smell in the coffee aisle is amazing; a strong aroma of the finest freshly ground coffee. The checkouts are flat out. There’s queues to park, queues in the aisles and the tills are crammed. They’ve never taken so much cash. On the downside, sales of toilet paper have collapsed.

If you're having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky.

They had to get a translator at the benefits office today. Some cheeky sod came in speaking English.

Corduroy pillows. They're making headlines!

I saw a bumper sticker on a car yesterday that said, "I Miss Liverpool." So I smashed the window and stole the radio.

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there' ..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'. After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over twenty million dollars in my bank accounts and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.'

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher. Little Johnny wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Of course," said the little Johnny confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

The straw clutching by Trump supporters has reached ridiculous levels. "All the documents were declassified..." So why, in the request for a special master to be appointed did his own lawyers specifically mention “that it would be appropriate for the special master to possess a 'top secret' clearance."? "All they found were empty folders..." No, as can clearly be seen in the evidence photos, numerous top secret documents were found along with a number of empty folders, which if anything are even more concerning. We know he had these documents because he admitted it on his failing social media app when he said they weren't just scattered about like the photos show, but were in cartons. We know that they were in at least one place open to visitors because one of his lawyers admitted it in a radio interview when she described Trump's office and said that it had frequent visitors. All these points have been brought up already, some numerous times, yet his supporters resort to closing their eyes while sticking their fingers in their ears and shouting MAGA, MAGA, MAGA... and no doubt will continue to spout them, even after this whole sorry saga is ended with his prosecution and punishment. And, to those who realise that he hasn't a leg to stand on, so resort to threats that upsetting the MAGA brigade will lead to riots and worse, I say bring it on. History has shown that it is never worth trying to placate a bully - especially not a treasonous, lying, cowardly, thieving betrayer and purveyor of his own country's secrets. Let them come out blazing so the law enforcers can deal the problem once and for all.