ballpoint

I just found out that my best friend suffers from turrets. Every time he sees a castle he starts swearing

"I hear your husband just died?" "Yes, it was very sudden". "Did he have any last words" "He did indeed. He said, 'Yes, your bum does look big in that".

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. When you first start off it looks like it will last forever. When you're getting close to the end you just hope you have enough.

I had to go to the hospital due to a bladder complaint and noticed a tiny restaurant right next to urology. It's a small catheteria.

With the strong winds we've been having, I'm increasingly concerned about the shed in the garden. It definitely wasn't there yesterday.

Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about the herbs and fish was inappropriate. I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things.

After my wife died I couldn’t look at another woman for 20 years. But now I’m out of jail I can honestly say it was worth it...

I remember seeing a safety information broadcast that advised people not to turn on the lights if they suspected a gas leak. That's why I always keep some candles handy in case of such an emergency.

I asked the man in the shop "Have you got any Bulldog clips?" He replied "No, but I've got a nice video of a Jack Russell".

My mate says he'll never visit Yorkshire again. He went into a supermarket and asked where he could find towels... they sent him to a ruddy bird sanctuary!

My yoga instructor was drunk last night. That put me in an awkward position.

“Your driving is awful,” I said to my wife this morning “It would help if you told me where I should be going!” She yelled, “Do I go left at this roundabout, or do I go right???” “Do a left,” I replied calmly, “Then do a right between the swings and slide.”

I’m sure that the gambling addiction helpline would get a lot more calls if every 10th caller won a prize or something.

A number of cities, including Moscow cancelled military flyovers during their parades, giving bad weather as the reason, despite it being not that bad. Maybe they thought something would happen to the aircraft? This seems to be a continuation of their fears, as, since the start of the war, Russian tank turrets have spent more time in the air over Ukraine than its airforce has. Russia Cancels Military Flyovers on Victory Day Amid 'Adverse Weather' (newsweek.com)

Corrected for him: "As in 1945, the Ukrainians are at the fore front of resisting the Nazi invaders, and even today, their soldiers are fighting to free their native land from Nazi filth (with the help of the Western democracies)”. History does repeat.

Did you hear about the blonde who bought an AM radio? It was two months before she realised she could also use it in the afternoon.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.