ballpoint

Crossword competition in the Irish post: £500 for the first correct entry sent in to our office. For those of you just doing it for fun, the answers are on page 26 as usual.

I started playing for a new football team this weekend. The manager said "I'm going to put you up front to begin with and then I'll pull you off at half time". "That's very nice of you" I said. "My last Manager just used to give us an orange.

A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms. "Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned". The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please. The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament. "Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her. She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs. "Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!” The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner.”

Fact Did you know that piranha can devour a child down to their bones in less than 30 seconds? And on a side note, I lost my job at the aquarium yesterday.

As I lay there, bruised and broken, with the burning and twisted wreckage of my car surrounding me, the officer strolled up to me and, with a sarcastic tone, said 'been drinking, have we sir?' 'Yes', I replied wincing through the pain. 'Well', he said, 'next time, take a taxi instead of letting your wife drive'.

I've found a Chip shop that serves fish on photo copier paper. It's a little plaice on the A4

Never do your trousers up whilst singing Disney songs. I've just zippered my doodah.

Every now and then I like to dress up in old nuns outfits and watch Bruce Willis movies. I guess you could say old habits die hard

My wife said she was off to the hairdressers, and asked what cut would make her more attractive. Power cut was not the right answer, as I received an upper cut for my troubles.

Fact: Did you know that soul singer Bill Withers had a brother called 'Bear' who wrote telephone hold music?

There was a hard frost this morning when I took my tractor to do some ploughing. I thought I could hear tubular bells... But it was just my cold field.

The bloody dog ran off last night. I walked round the park calling her name for 20 mins & still couldn't find her. My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head & got a tattoo. I still can't find the bloody dog.

A Woman Sends a Text to Her Husband “Honey, don't forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you.” Husband: Who is Valerie? Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text. Husband: But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me? Wife: What??! Where are you? Husband: Near the bakery. Wife: Wait, I’m coming right now! After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message: Wife: I’m at the bakery, where are you? Husband: I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery , buy the bread !

I opened the front door to the gas man. "He said I need to take a reading " I said "why are you so out of breath?" He said "cos I've just done 100 meters"

I’m just sitting pondering the big questions in life: Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?