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Best sandwich? Roast chicken What's one thing you own that you really should throw out? Old clothing What is the scariest animal? Humans Apples or oranges? Oranges Have you ever asked someone for their autograph? No What do you think happens when we die? Game over Favorite action movie? The first Indiana Jones Airplane: window or aisle? Aisle Favorite smell? Fresh cut grass Least favorite smell? Dead animals Exercise: worth it? Yes Flat or sparkling? Sparkling Most used app on your phone? Signal You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life: what is it? Arriving somewhere, but not here by Porcupine Tree What number am I thinking of? Three Describe the rest of your life in 5 words? Have some fun, then die

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A queue waiting for a job on a building site. The foreman at the desk shouts 'Next!' A man steps forwards. 'Name!' asks the foreman. 'Marks N Spencer' says the man. 'I've got no time for clowns' says the foreman. '. Next!' The next in line steps forward. 'Name!' again asks the foreman. 'W H Smith' says the man. 'I told you, no clowns! Next!' Next in the queue steps forwards. 'Name!' 'T J Hughes!' 'I haven't got time for all this nonsense!! Next!!!' Next man steps forwards. 'Name!' 'Ken' says the man. 'Ah, that's better' says the foreman. 'Someone serious at last. What's your surname?' And the man says 'Tuckyfriedchicken!'

I've started making and selling a beer called "Responsibly". Think of all the free advertising.

I was playing tennis when someone went past on a 30 ft bike. I thought "that's a long Raleigh".

I’ve been very depressed lately. My wife threatened to leave me, but even that hasn’t cheered me up.

My mother-in-law's in hospital. They say she's not looking too good. No word on her condition yet though.

Apple have said that although their profits are down, their turnover is still good.

Minister: so George how did you get on at the high church service at the weekend? George: it was okay, hymns were boring and there were no surprises in the sermon. Minister: I suspect a but is coming next. George: but, they were wafting this golden thing on a chain about. Minister: oh yes, and . . . George: well it hit me on the head Minister: I’m sorry to hear that George, did this make you angry? George: angry? I was incensed!

What do we want? An end to acronyms! When do we want it? ASAP!

I've just seen a witch and a lion trying to carry a huge wardrobe into the house next door. When I asked what was happening, they said "Narnia business"

My wife keeps going on about a new butcher who specialises in meats marinated in alcoholic beverages. She loved his beef in ale and now can't wait to try his tongue in cider.

Did you know that Glen Campbell only weighed 57.16kg? He was a Nine Stone Cowboy.

I’ve just written off my car skidding on a patch of humus. Nobody warned me of the hidden dip in the road.

The doctor has just prescribed me some anti-gloating cream. Can't wait to rub it in.

I went for a COVID test yesterday and the nurse asked me if I'd had a sudden loss of taste. "No", I replied, "I've always dressed like this.

I had the worst steak of my life last night, it was all tough and rubbery. That's the last time I eat in a Michelin restaurant.

I bought some of those new Viagra tea bags, They don't really improve your sex life, but they do stop your biscuits going soft.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Three Degrees. Ok I said, when will I see you again?

HAVE YOU HAD THE JAB - URGENT NOTICE! This happened yesterday and is important information. My mates Dad who is 85 years old had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination centre, after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home. When he got home, he called the vaccination centre for advice and to ask if he should go to see a doctor, or be hospitalised. He was asked to go back to the vaccination centre immediately as he had left his glasses behind.

I recently spent £3500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him . . . . . . but they kind of taste like peppermint.

My wife wanted to make the sitting room more classy, so I've fitted a blackboard and 6 desks, that will impress her. I can't wait till she sees it.

Russia was welcomed into the global community, and as a part of Europe, with open arms when the wall came down. The West pumped money into its economy - much of which was swiped by the oligarchs (who also bled the reserves left by the old USSR dry as well), and foreign businesses entered the country, raising the standard of living and services for the average Russian. Then a dictatorial, despotic figure by the name of Putin changed the presidential laws, grabbing more power for himself than the new Russian constitution allowed, poisoned and / or imprisoned his opposition, built up private armies, a mafia and shady business networks, and hijacked the country. Like most of his ilk, he suffered a deep fear of the outside, especially countries with more power than he, and became increasingly neurotic in an attempt to protect his criminal princedom. To blame the West for his anger and hatred is rather like blaming your happy, healthy neighbours for your own self inflicted misery and illness. A better analogy of Russia's current situation would be the owner of a large farm, forced to free the slaves he had working for him, seeing those former slaves setting up and running their own farms next to his and, bitter at them and those who told him to set them free, continually making threats against them, while regularly sending his thugs onto their farms to sabotage their equipment, move fence lines and foment trouble amongst their workers. When the former slaves appeal to the outside for help, the farmer uses this as an excuse to ramp up his campaign of harassment into one of terror, all the while blaming the outsiders for aiding those he has been brutalising all those years. His end goal is to seize the farms, round up his former slaves and put them back to working for him under the supervision of his sadistic cronies.

The Pope wades in with a statement that has all the Putin fanboys on social media erupting in ecstasy. "Pope Francis said that the “barking of NATO at the door of Russia” might have led to the invasion of Ukraine and that he didn't know whether other countries should supply Ukraine with more arms". Pope Says NATO Might Have Provoked Russian Invasion of Ukraine (wsj.com)