ballpoint

"What's up?" I asked my wife. "You’re not supposed to say you have a favourite child," she hissed at me. "Everyone does, secretly," I defended myself. "Well, at least make it one of ours."

I was filling out a gym membership and dropped the pen. "Can I have another one please?" I asked the receptionist. "Can’t you just pick that one up?" she sniffed. "Why do you think I'm here?"

A lady says to her doctor "My husband has a bad habit of talking in his sleep, what should I do?" The doctor replies "Give him a chance to speak when he's awake."

I recently went with my wife to her final consultation before having a gastric band fitted. The consultant said that in order to finalise a date for the surgery he would have to liaise with Mr Yeti who he always operated with. I asked him why the operation required 2 surgeons and he said that he himself always did the incision and the fitting of the band but the closure was always performed by Mr Yeti - because he was the abdominal sewman.

My wife bought me a 'Good Luck' bracelet with my initials on it before I went into hospital for some surgery. I think there must have been a misprint at the manufacturers, because my initials are 'RND' and this one said 'DNR'.

My car broke down today, a car pulled up in front of me, a man got out and asked if he could help. I said are you a mechanic? He said no I am a podiatrist. I said what good are you then? He said I can give you a toe

I got into a taxi this morning and the driver said: 'Do you mind if I put some music on?' I said: 'No, not at all'.. He said: 'Kiss?' I said: 'Let's start with the music and see how we feel.'

But, what would the guy in the third link know about war and peace?

I bought a 'Sounds Of The Rainforest' CD, but It's not relaxing at all. It starts off with birds chirping, and then it's all chainsaws and bulldozers.

I told my wife that when I die then I want it to be when I'm having sex. She said, "at least it'll be quick then".

I'm thinking of booking a week on the Greek Island of Domestos. It's supposed to have a great bleach.

From my window I can see a skip full of Mick Jagger's old stage clothing. It's literally a Stone's throwaway.

When I went for my last checkup, I discovered the urologist is a very pretty female doctor. She said "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate take a deep breath and say "99". I did as told and said "99". "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say "99". Again, I said "99". “Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your genitals to keep them out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say "99". One.... Two... Three...

A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, some days I think I'm a yurt, but other days I think I'm a wigwam". "You need to relax," says the doctor, "you're two tents".

I'm taking this wine box back to complain. It says clearly on the box once opened will last six weeks, it only lasted three days.

I went on a 'Communist Nudist Weekend', and I was chatting to a bloke next to me. "Have you read Marx?" he enquired. "Yeah," I said. "I think it's these wicker chairs."

CAN THE MODS DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED ON HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN UNCOMPROMISING POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING A NEW PHONE IN EXCHANGE FOR ONLINE SEXUAL FAVOURS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN OLD PHONE, AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK. THANK YOU!

Did you know that the flame of a candle smells like burnt nasal hair?

An allegedly true story: Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Hwy 77, just south of Kingsville , Texas One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville . The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the Mesquite treetops on Hwy 77 revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's Naval Air home base location in Kingsville. Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment. The reply came back in true USMC style: 'Thank you for your letter.... You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down. Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location. Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Hwy 77 So. of Kingsville. The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.'