ballpoint

I managed to contact the spirit of our window cleaner who died recently. I used a Squeegee board.

Superman calls to Lois Lane, "Lois come in here a second! I want you to see something." Lois comes into the room and says, "What is it?" Superman points across the room at their dog, whom he has dressed up with glasses and a tie. Lois says, "... who the hell is that?"

Little known fact. There is a patron saint of checking bread rolls before they leave the oven. Saint John the bap test.

My missus said to me on our 50th wedding anniversary, "I'd sure like you to do what you did on our wedding day. " "I won't be able to, " I replied, "that bridesmaid died last year. "

I just drank a whole bottle of invisible ink. I'm currently in A&E waiting to be seen.

Just thought I'd nip over to check on the old lady over the road, and fair play to her at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch. She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer so I'll pop back next year.

Putin hasn't wasted any time in turning North Koreans into mince meat. Expendable humans to pander to his 'Peter the Great' delusions. He seems increasingly anxious to remove the Ukrainians from Kursk (he already demanded their ejection before October 1st, which didn't work too well for him), likely before Trump's peace plan - involving freezing the borders, (which, as they currently stand would mean Russia will control 20% of Ukraine, but Ukraine will control 270 square miles of Russia), is pushed next January. It seems that 270 sq miles is just too much for him to bear, and fourteen BTR-82 troop carriers were deployed on a counter attack last Thursday. Ten were destroyed or abandoned during it. Each is capable of carrying 10 soldiers, so possibly 140 troops, a mix of Russians and North Koreans, have been lost. So much senseless human waste for the sake of one madman's ego. "Russian marines apparently backed by North Korean reinforcements threw themselves at Ukrainian positions in Kursk Oblast in western Russia on Thursday. It was a bloodbath for the Russians. But don’t expect them to stop attacking. The politics of Russia’s 33-month wider war on Ukraine are in flux now that Republican Donald Trump has won the presidential election in the United States." Russian And North Korean Troops Storm Kursk And here's a video showing five of the Russian BTR-82s being destroyed by Ukrainian drones during the attack:

I rented a bouncy castle for my kid's birthday. It was twice the price of last year. That's inflation for you.

Just visited the birthplace of the founder of modern dentistry. I was surprised that there wasn’t some kind of plaque on the wall.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal, you've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... We can't hire you." "But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me now!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms; red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, And we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee before the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot but forgets the coffee. The parrot drains its glass on the spot and bawls, "And get me another whisky you b****". The man enquires about his coffee. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, now go and fetch it you lazy slag" Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bugger!"

My doctor advised me to avoid saturated fat. So I've stopped showering with the Mrs.