ravip

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time, the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied... "Well, your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming," and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling," and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honour, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it... "CASE DISMISSED!"

Just a thought... No-one wants a used mattress for free but we pay hundreds of dollars to sleep on one at hotels.

Other than the main engine and generator exhausts, there are many seawater inlets and outlets below the water line in a ship. https://images.app.goo.gl/Tcptwy4UAH1PdX9Z7

Absolutely. Add the loss of generators/electricity... You really need to experience that situation on board a ship that's on a rough sea, to realise the gravity of it.

Disasters does not happen by nationalities, at sea,air or land. Random assumptions are are not in good taste... IMHO

A Colonel fell into a well. A soldier was summoned to throw a rope into the well and pull the Colonel out. The moment the Colonel was getting out of the well, the soldier would leave the rope, stand at attention to salute, leaving the rope. The Colonel would fall back into the well. This happened many times. Someone suggested that a Brigadier be requested for help because HE wouldn't have to salute the Colonel. A Brigadier arrived. He threw the rope into the well and the Colonel grabbed it. The Brigadier kept pulling the rope. When the Colonel was about to come out of the well, on spotting the Brigadier, he immediately let go of the rope and saluted, and fell back into the well again. There was total silence. Then everyone heard the desperate Colonel’s voice from down below. "You guys… get hold of one of my *class mates!!* MORAL OF THE STORY: Classmates are important! Try and stay connected to one or two of your class mates. They can save your situations someday!

Ask them to set it off your 1st ticket - all's fair and square then!

Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. “I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.” The next day, Mrs Wilson receives a telephone call from AEC (Atlanta Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid. “Am I speaking to Mrs Wilson?” “Yes. Speaking." AEC guy, “You’re a month overdue, you know!” “How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman. “Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy. “What are you saying? It’s in your files. HOW?” “Yes. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.” “GOD! This is too much.” “Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue.” “I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow.” That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning. “What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts. “Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at AEC, “It’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.” “PAY you? And if I refuse?” “Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.” “And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks. “I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.”

Once again this year, I’ve had many requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit. Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixeer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now <deleted> shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat. Cheers

Boy! They aren't kidding!

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church! The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business. Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it. Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer. The Church Denied all Responsibility!!! So, the judge commented, "It's Difficult to Decide the Case because *here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & an Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it! "

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said "You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked:' Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator!' Some old men can think fast.