ravip

I found this video by chance. This really works, as I already tried it out on a calculator. (I hope this is on the correct thread)

DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP DEAR DIARY : DAY 1. All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited. DEAR DIARY : DAY 2. Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today ~ seems like a very nice man. DEAR DIARY : DAY 3. At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive. DEAR DIARY : DAY 4. Won $800 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband. DEAR DIARY : DAY 5. Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. He really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked. DEAR DIARY : DAY 6. Today I saved 1600 lives. TWICE !!!

What a beautiful answer! Comparison between two "Generations" . A youngster asked his father: "How did you people live before with- No access to technology No aeroplanes No internet No computers No dramas No TVs No air cons No cars No mobile phones?" His Dad replied: "Just like how your generation lives today with - No prayers No compassion No honor No respect No character No shame No modesty No time planning No sports No reading" "We, the people that were born between 1940-1980 are the blessed ones. Our life is a living proof: ???? After school, we played until dusk. We never watched TV. ???? We played with real friends, not internet friends. ???? If we ever felt thirsty, we drank tap water not bottled water. ???? We never got ill although we used to share the same glass of juice with four friends. ???? We never gained weight although we used to eat a lot of rice everyday. ???? Nothing happened to our feet despite roaming bare-feet. ???? our mother and father never used any supplements to keep us healthy. ???? We used to create our own toys and play with them. ???? Our parents were not rich. They gave us love, not worldly materials. ???? We never had cellphones, DVDs, play station, XBox, video games, personal computers, internet chat - but we had real friends. ???? We visited our friends' homes uninvited and enjoyed food with them. ???? unlike your world, we had relatives who lived close by so family time and ties were enjoyed together. ???? We may have been in black and white photos but you will find colourful memories in those photos. ???? We are a unique and, the most understanding generation, because *we are the last generation who listened to their parents*. *Also , the first who have had to listen to their children.* And we are the ones who are still smarter and helping you now to use the technology that never existed while we were your age!!! We are a *LIMITED* edition! So you better - Enjoy us. Learn from us. Treasure us. Before we disappear from Earth and your lives."

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and pointed it at the ceiling. 'Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!' he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. 'Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!'1 Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, 'Hey there partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?' The cowboy turned back and said, 'I had to walk home.'

Don't you just hate it when you're sending a text, and you’re so rudely interrupted by a stupid jogger, bouncing off your windscreen?

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and the priest almost fell down in shock when he saw him. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to attend Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said, "I gotta be honest with you, Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had one just like it, and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take his hat off during Mass, and I figured he would leave it on a hook at the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." Later, the priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest said, "So, after I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell?" Murphy shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

Gives me the bright idea of making a USB flash drive re-winder.

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When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 3K dollars. That is why in the Navy, the Captain goes down with the ship.

An insurance agent approaches a cowboy, trying to sell him an accident policy. The agent inquires, "Have you ever had an accident?" "Never," the cowboy responds. "However, just recently a horse kicked in two of my ribs, and back a couple years ago a rattlesnake bit my ankle." "Wouldn't you call these accidents?" says the puzzled agent. "Nah," the cowboy replies. "They both did it on purpose!"

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A plane is about to crash. The pilots were the first to jump, they left two parachutes for the three remaining passengers: The smartest man in the world, a priest and an art student. The smartest man in the world takes one without thought and says: "It is evident that the world will need the likes of me. As I am one of the only individuals that could make the world progress to its full potential." He soon jumps without looking back. The priest looks at the student with resignation. "My child, take the last parachute, as a good christian, it is my duty to save those en need." The student shrugs. "Don't worry father, the smartest man on the world has just jumped with my school bag."

Doctor: you've been bitten by a radioactive shark Me: so i'm gonna get shark powers, right? Doctor: you no longer have legs... Me: just like a shark!

I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

A WW2 pilot visited a girls school. He was talking to the pupils about his time in the battle, and he said, “I was flying in formation when three f*ers came up behind me”. The teacher quickly interjects, “young ladies, you must understand the ‘Fokker’ is a type of German aeroplane”. The pilot replies, “yes, but these f*ers were flying Messerschmidts”.

The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister of Sweden. The first thing he'll do is to assemble his cabinet.