.png.3b3332cc2256ad0edbc2fe9404feeef0.png)
- Popular Post
fasteddie
-
Posts
2,752 -
Joined
-
Last visited
Content Type
Forums
Downloads
Quizzes
Posts posted by fasteddie
-
-
- Popular Post
- Popular Post
A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”
The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”
-
6
-
10 hours ago, ilostmypassword said:
Well, 3 more wasted opportunities for the Trump administration to show that the USA will no longer be bullied.
Heck yeah, poor liddle iddy biddy USA being bullied by the big nasty Russia
-
4 hours ago, HappyinNE said:
Been there for years. I remember flying close to get pictures in 1965. By close I mean 100-200 yards and at 100 feet.
Been there since '65? wow that's some endurance, the crew must be pensioners by now.
-
Damn that Russia, and they've placed their country right by lots of our American/NATO bases.
-
- Popular Post
- Popular Post
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?”Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, “Honey, please… just one more time before die.”She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time.After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death and tosses and turns until he’s down to 4 more hours.He taps his wife, who rouses.“Honey, I have only four more hours. Do you think we could…”At this point, the wife sits up and says,”Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don’t!”-
4
-
EARTHQUAKE IN BLACKPOOL!
An earthquake measuring 4.3 on the Richter scale hit Blackpool in the early hours, its epicentre was on Dinmore Avenue. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Fuuuckinell".
The tremor decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
The Evening Gazette reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Blackpool. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of White Lightning to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Nike or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
***Breaking news***
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "Mereside" said the girl, "wossit gotta do wiv you?"
-
2
-
-
8 hours ago, thaiguzzi said:
Well 'ard ain't ya?
Typical of several comments on here, being spouted from behind the safety of their computer screens...
If they bug ya so much, why don't you nip down to a local clubhouse or favoured drinking hole, and really tell 'em what you think?
Nah, thought so, all mouth (in private) and no trousers...
Oh really, I'm 67, been a biker all my life and still am, I've had a few run in with these creeps and I'm still here. People who have to hang around in gangs to attempt to intimidate people don't scare me. Round our way they're more well known for driving around in vans looking out for bikes to steal, so before you go shooting your mouth off in an attempt to defend these thugs, try and engage your brain, what are you, a prospect or something?
p.s. yeah 'ard enough!
p.p.s. I knicked one's girlfriend once and him and a couple of mates came looking for me, found me too but when he saw how many mates I had with me, he decided to let the matter drop, game set and match, (got to admit I was somewhat relieved, he was a gorilla).
-
28 minutes ago, chickenslegs said:
"Ouch!"
-
1 hour ago, Psimbo said:
Interesting that you tie in bikers with military culture. As a loose pants wearing ex-military man I fail to see the link, which personally I consider detrimental to those who have served.
TBH I think (hope) he meant angels, I'm a biker of 54yrs and have no truck with these angels types and never have.
-
3 hours ago, bendejo said:
The former PM in exile had a battalion of fortune tellers, one of which was supposedly a real mystic man from Japan. A lot of good they did him.
Well maybe they told him it was time to do a runner Lol
-
1 hour ago, namoi said:
i have to agree with the "dead man walking"" theory, the boys will never forget and maybe send someone inside to get the job done instead of waiting
"the boys" don't you mean "the fat old beer bellied sad old gits"?
-
26 minutes ago, oneknownlife said:
Mess with any biker gang and get what's coming!!!! simple!!!
-
- Popular Post
- Popular Post
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched.. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent off to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna.-
5
-
44 minutes ago, waldroj said:
"...Prayut said he would be unable to do anything if his horoscope was not promising..."
Even if that horoscope was promising, he's still unable to do anything !!!
He needs to forget about improving his horoscopic future, and instead reflect on what a former soothsayer said about him almost two years ago, and what the junta also said then about the "government" keeping to a schedule that included elections in early 2016. (http://www.thephuketnews.com/prayut-tells-fortune-teller-to-drop-crystal-ball-51784.php).
You mean don't want to "listening" to Thaivisa radio.
-
Elected! what, like in an election? yeah right
-
- Popular Post
- Popular Post
A jobless man applied for the job of "sweeper" at Microsoft.
The HR interviewed him..
Then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.
"You are Appointed" he said.
"Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the forms to fill in".
The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."
"I'm sorry", said the HR manager...
"If you don't have an email, that means u do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."
The man left with no hope at all.
He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket.
He then decided to go to the supermarket & buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a Door to Door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital.
He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60.
The man realised that he can survive this way, and started to go everyday earlier and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.
Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US .
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life Insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email."
The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!"
The man thought for a while and replied,
"Yes, I'd be a sweeper"-
5
-
- Popular Post
- Popular Post
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much kinder human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess.
It has all the ice cold water you need. " Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "They won't let me in without a <deleted> regimental tie!”
-
6
-
6 hours ago, loong said:
You know what I find weird?
Why is weird spelt weird when it should be wierd!
Why?
-
5 hours ago, loong said:
You know what I find weird?
Why is weird spelt weird when it should be wierd!
Why?
-
- Popular Post
- Popular Post
I still think Tommy Coopers one liners were sliced bread stuff.
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got China in my hand."
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar". I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Steve McQueen.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
-
4
-
5 hours ago, Tony125 said:
So from your post you visited Pattaya 3 times once every 20 years but you think that qualifies you to really know about the place. I have been coming to Thailand since 2000 and have a home in Banlamung area of Pattaya for over 10 years with my Thai wife and live in BKK, Pattaya and Rayong for last 4 years. Never had a problem in Pattaya but don't get drunk am aware of situations at all times. Only problem I ever had was passport stolen when visiting Chatuchak market in BKK 11 years ago.
No that doesn't qualify me to really know about the place, not that I ever said I really know about the place, but reading the news and talking to my Thai girlfriends & friends when I lived in Samui, Krabi, Koh Lanta and Ao Nang and travelling all over Thailand certainly helped. But then I bow to your superior knowledge, you've had no trouble there so all the news reports were wrong, OK whatever.
-
Whatever. Do you really believe the Assad regime would permit them undeterred access to obtain facts on the ground. The guy talking about the recapture of Palmyra failed to mention the terrorist group, Hezbollah, helping Syrian forces and of course the eventual recapture by ISIS. let alone the dismal failure of Syrian forces to empty the military warehouses (second largest in Syria) when originally captured by ISIS. Frankly speaking he comes across as another wholly misinformed US politician regards Assad.
At least one of the politicians you mention underlines conspiracy theories, another wishing to ban female access to abortions etc etc We have differing opinions, to me the people your refer to, with at least some of their views, are 'disgusting'.
One man's conspiracy theorist is another man's free mind willing to do their own research and not just slavishly follow the party line. -
You not been around the world a lot? Haven't you? Pattaya is not that unsafe. But please stay home [emoji14]
If you read the latest copy of a famous Bangkok publication online it has an article about 3 Street robberies in 2 days in Pattaya just lately, not that unsafe, you sure? -
4 minutes ago, chuang said:
Just curious how do they rip off a chunky necklace from the neck.
Easily, you can't be very strong Lol
Worst Joke Ever
in Jokes - Puzzles and Riddles - Make My Day!
Posted