fasteddie
-
Posts
2,774 -
Joined
-
Last visited
-
Days Won
1
Content Type
Events
Forums
Downloads
Quizzes
Gallery
Blogs
Posts posted by fasteddie
-
-
- Popular Post
- Popular Post
A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying <deleted>. He's never been out of the garden-
8
-
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly to the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
-
1
-
-
Now THAT'S "Rigor Mortis"!
-
-
6 minutes ago, nauseus said:
You obviously don't agree with most people about most things. As soon as an every-day expression is used you complain to divert from the main topic. Why don't you provide some serious arguments about what is so great about the EU, why the UK should stay in it and why the referendum vote should be ignored!
" and why the referendum vote should be ignored!"
House of commons briefing paper 07212, issued to all MP's 3rd June 2015, Section 5 says "This referendum is advisory only. It doesn't bind either Parliament or the government to act on it's outcome".
-
23 minutes ago, Grouse said:
It's been on every News feed I have seen? Was it not mentioned on Jeremy Kyle?
-
1 hour ago, Kevbo said:
It wasn't a bad one
You're right, it was atrocious, built on nothing but lies and racism.
-
1 hour ago, blazes said:
Yes, thanks for this reminder that ALL the politicians (whether Tory, Labour or Lib-Dem) who committed these crimes against British assets and infrastructure were solid supporters of the EU....
That's a rather sweeping statement, I'd love to see your proof of that.
-
On 16/02/2017 at 2:47 AM, Daffy D said:
One of Trump’s assistants says to him, “Sir, we’re mining too many coal mines.” Trump replies, “Well, mine less.”
A writer and grammar expert then turns to him and says, “Mine FEWER!” Trump looks up and says, “Yes?”Boom Boom !!
In the one I heard he turns round and says "Shh, don't call me that".
-
Much as I hate to agree with this war criminal, he's right on this one, brexit was built on lies from beginning to end.
-
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out, a truck came barrelling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OHH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . . "My frickin' Rolex!-
2
-
-
- Popular Post
- Popular Post
-
3
-
- Popular Post
- Popular Post
A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”
The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”
-
6
-
10 hours ago, ilostmypassword said:
Well, 3 more wasted opportunities for the Trump administration to show that the USA will no longer be bullied.
Heck yeah, poor liddle iddy biddy USA being bullied by the big nasty Russia
-
4 hours ago, HappyinNE said:
Been there for years. I remember flying close to get pictures in 1965. By close I mean 100-200 yards and at 100 feet.
Been there since '65? wow that's some endurance, the crew must be pensioners by now.
-
Damn that Russia, and they've placed their country right by lots of our American/NATO bases.
-
- Popular Post
- Popular Post
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?”Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, “Honey, please… just one more time before die.”She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time.After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death and tosses and turns until he’s down to 4 more hours.He taps his wife, who rouses.“Honey, I have only four more hours. Do you think we could…”At this point, the wife sits up and says,”Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don’t!”-
4
-
EARTHQUAKE IN BLACKPOOL!
An earthquake measuring 4.3 on the Richter scale hit Blackpool in the early hours, its epicentre was on Dinmore Avenue. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Fuuuckinell".
The tremor decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
The Evening Gazette reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Blackpool. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of White Lightning to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Nike or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
***Breaking news***
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "Mereside" said the girl, "wossit gotta do wiv you?"
-
2
-
-
8 hours ago, thaiguzzi said:
Well 'ard ain't ya?
Typical of several comments on here, being spouted from behind the safety of their computer screens...
If they bug ya so much, why don't you nip down to a local clubhouse or favoured drinking hole, and really tell 'em what you think?
Nah, thought so, all mouth (in private) and no trousers...
Oh really, I'm 67, been a biker all my life and still am, I've had a few run in with these creeps and I'm still here. People who have to hang around in gangs to attempt to intimidate people don't scare me. Round our way they're more well known for driving around in vans looking out for bikes to steal, so before you go shooting your mouth off in an attempt to defend these thugs, try and engage your brain, what are you, a prospect or something?
p.s. yeah 'ard enough!
p.p.s. I knicked one's girlfriend once and him and a couple of mates came looking for me, found me too but when he saw how many mates I had with me, he decided to let the matter drop, game set and match, (got to admit I was somewhat relieved, he was a gorilla).
-
28 minutes ago, chickenslegs said:
"Ouch!"
-
1 hour ago, Psimbo said:
Interesting that you tie in bikers with military culture. As a loose pants wearing ex-military man I fail to see the link, which personally I consider detrimental to those who have served.
TBH I think (hope) he meant angels, I'm a biker of 54yrs and have no truck with these angels types and never have.
-
3 hours ago, bendejo said:
The former PM in exile had a battalion of fortune tellers, one of which was supposedly a real mystic man from Japan. A lot of good they did him.
Well maybe they told him it was time to do a runner Lol
-
1 hour ago, namoi said:
i have to agree with the "dead man walking"" theory, the boys will never forget and maybe send someone inside to get the job done instead of waiting
"the boys" don't you mean "the fat old beer bellied sad old gits"?
-
26 minutes ago, oneknownlife said:
Mess with any biker gang and get what's coming!!!! simple!!!
Facebook ganja dealer earned 100K monthly and lived in a 17 million baht house
in Thailand News
Posted
Oh piffle paffle, nothing wrong with ganja, try it sometime and chill out.