Pros & cons of dating a Thai(man).

[Hiro357]

I've noticed most posters on this forum are males. So your opinions on Thai females are also welcome.

The reason I'm asking this, is that a friend of mine, this Japanese girl(I call her Momoko, who was in the same school abroad) had been dating a Thai man for the last few years. Recently they had a fallen-out. So she moved on and is now on her own in Bangkok. However the Thai guy seemed very eager to get her back. But she's been telling me about her serious concerns regarding this man. But this is the first Thai she met/dated, so  the stuff she says about him might not apply to the other Thais in general.

 

So the biggest concern of hers is his dishonesty. Like many Thais(her BF was Chinese Thai born and raised in Thailand), he seems very polite and caring. But often when things don't go so smoothly he would still try to cover things up instead of talking things out with her. This frustrates her a lot. His family also insisted on sweeping things under the carpet whenever something bad(usually for her) happens. And this doesn't help preventing future misfortunes happening to her at all. She finds herself being lied to by her bf, his family, over and over. Sometimes over the pettiest things. It almost seems like they just love to <deleted> with her head. 

 

Another big issue is domestic abuse. When a problem rises and he refuses to face it with any intention of solve it, rather he would try to postpone whatever he needs to do(laziness and unreliability are two other serious flaws in him). Momoko, the girl who grew up in a western society, would confront him. This really angered him, and to her surprise he eventually resorted to physical violence. Not a single slap in the face but, getting on top of her and beating the shit out of her kind of violence.

 

Last, he seems poorly educated with very limited intellect. To be fair, he is very good at his profession when he actually chooses to work. But most of the time it's trash TVs for him etc. In a way she's helped him expand his horizon by teaching him about the Japanese and western cultures. He seemed to be appreciating it at the time. But on his own, he would go back to his old route. 

 

To to make this sound like I'm bashing the guy, here are the pros. He's very tentative and submissive. He would prefer more than anything to take orders(not really a pro but at least he's easy-going). He would help her to the best of his abilities whenever she needs it. He tells her that he loves her everyday and keeps saying he could not live one day without her. He does have a lot of patience which really is a virtue in modern guys.

 

So I hope people won't read this the wrong way and assume I'm just doing this to put down Thais. I'm not. I don't know them well. But I wish to seek out some opinions from you fine people who may know Thais better than us. I wish to help her make the right decision whether to stay or leave.

 

Thank you.

[jenny2017]

 To understand his culture, you've got to understand the way he was raised. There's no pressure at school to pass an exam, they all know that they come to the next level anyway, no matter if it's at primary, or tertiary level.

 

  What your friend might experience as "dishonesty" could just be that he doesn't want to lose face. The face part is an important part in Thai society. More important than a girl friend. 

 

 They grow up in an environment where games and Facebook mean a lot more than a real friendship to them. Too many guys in villages leave their beloved "Tirak" after she gave birth to the third child. The truth is that he knows that he can't support her, or offer her a decent life. It's more "face saving", but also way more convenient to move on, eventually change the name and start a new relationship that might end up very similar.

 

  That he wanted to get her back, doesn't really mean that he loves her so much. It could also be a loss of face that friends/parents told him that she's left him. His parents did their part in his education and together with the fantastic education at schools and the result is not always what we'd like to have as a friend. 

 

Beating the shit out of her shows his lack of self confidence, and not being able to sort out a problem that will always occur. But he's not alone and in no way the only one. Males do not hunt alone. If one has got a problem with another and gets beaten, he'll be back with some ( many) friends and it's highly possible that the former winner of the fight won't be recognized by his own mother after the unfair beating. Too many of them do not have what we'd call a healthy common sense. A Western boy/man wouldn't beat a girl, just because of the physical differences, but it seems that less developed/educated people don't understand that.Doesn't education at home and at school make us to what, and who we are?  Of course together with our friends we meet in life. 

 

You wrote that he prefers to take orders? Well, that's not different to what he went through in his life before. But that creates many problems and such people are not able to think creatively, or run a successful business. They prefer to take orders from others, because it's easier. 

 

Most families are watching the usual soap operas and there're always dramas with people who've got huge houses, big cars, always many girlfriends/Mia Nois, but also a lot of violence. There's something which is called "soft rape" and okay in Thai society. If a woman gets raped and she's so scared that the rapist kills her afterwards and uncramps her body in fear, it's seen as a sign that she basically needed, or wanted it. We'd call it sick. 

 

His parents allowed him everything he wanted to do and when shit happened, they covered it up for their son. The irony is that many of his friends, but also teachers grew up in similar circumstances. Now please do the math and try to figure out what the result is. The guy is a result of all above mentioned and I'd think twice to tell my friend to stay with a guy who beats girls. 

 

  This post is in no way a Thai bashing one, I was only trying to answer your questions. 

 

  

P.S. It's much easier to say that in one sentence. Tell your friend to move on, no girl/woman in this world was born to get beaten by an idiot without self esteem.

He'll do it again and perhaps more violent!!! 

   

 

  

Edited October 24, 2017 by jenny2017

[Rc2702]

Bad apples everywhere regardless of nationality.

 

This post is bait as hell anyway.

 

Just jumps on her and beats her.

 

And she's not sure.

 

 

Lol

[Ruffian Dick]

Japanese people and Thai people have different standards of integrity. Even I know that.

[Hiro357]

1 hour ago, Rc2702 said:

Bad apples everywhere regardless of nationality.

 

This post is bait as hell anyway.

 

Just jumps on her and beats her.

 

And she's not sure.

 

 

Lol

Nothing is as black and white as you make it out to be. I'm sparing the details because I want to focus on solving her problems, not publicizing her life story.

Also just because there are terrible people of every country doesn't mean we can't examine the difference between them and us to help us make important life decisions.

[Kadilo]

I'm guessing you want her to ditch him so you can pick up the pieces. Call me cynical but no one in their right mind is going to advise you she should stick with him when he beats her.......and I'm sure you know that already.


Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect

[Hiro357]

1 hour ago, jenny2017 said:

 To understand his culture, you've got to understand the way he was raised. There's no pressure at school to pass an exam, they all know that they come to the next level anyway, no matter if it's at primary, or tertiary level.

 

  What your friend might experience as "dishonesty" could just be that he doesn't want to lose face. The face part is an important part in Thai society. More important than a girl friend. 

 

 They grow up in an environment where games and Facebook mean a lot more than a real friendship to them. Too many guys in villages leave their beloved "Tirak" after she gave birth to the third child. The truth is that he knows that he can't support her, or offer her a decent life. It's more "face saving", but also way more convenient to move on, eventually change the name and start a new relationship that might end up very similar.

 

  That he wanted to get her back, doesn't really mean that he loves her so much. It could also be a loss of face that friends/parents told him that she's left him. His parents did their part in his education and together with the fantastic education at schools and the result is not always what we'd like to have as a friend. 

 

Beating the shit out of her shows his lack of self confidence, and not being able to sort out a problem that will always occur. But he's not alone and in no way the only one. Males do not hunt alone. If one has got a problem with another and gets beaten, he'll be back with some ( many) friends and it's highly possible that the former winner of the fight won't be recognized by his own mother after the unfair beating. Too many of them do not have what we'd call a healthy common sense. A Western boy/man wouldn't beat a girl, just because of the physical differences, but it seems that less developed/educated people don't understand that.Doesn't education at home and at school make us to what, and who we are?  Of course together with our friends we meet in life. 

 

You wrote that he prefers to take orders? Well, that's not different to what he went through in his life before. But that creates many problems and such people are not able to think creatively, or run a successful business. They prefer to take orders from others, because it's easier. 

 

Most families are watching the usual soap operas and there're always dramas with people who've got huge houses, big cars, always many girlfriends/Mia Nois, but also a lot of violence. There's something which is called "soft rape" and okay in Thai society. If a woman gets raped and she's so scared that the rapist kills her afterwards and uncramps her body in fear, it's seen as a sign that she basically needed, or wanted it. We'd call it sick. 

 

His parents allowed him everything he wanted to do and when shit happened, they covered it up for their son. The irony is that many of his friends, but also teachers grew up in similar circumstances. Now please do the math and try to figure out what the result is. The guy is a result of all above mentioned and I'd think twice to tell my friend to stay with a guy who beats girls. 

 

  This post is in no way a Thai bashing one, I was only trying to answer your questions. 

 

  

P.S. It's much easier to say that in one sentence. Tell your friend to move on, no girl/woman in this world was born to get beaten by an idiot without self esteem.

He'll do it again and perhaps more violent!!! 

   

 

  

Thanks, Jenny. That's a lot to swallow. I'd have to digest all that info(so foreign to me) slowly or link this to Momoko. 

[Hiro357]

9 minutes ago, Kadilo said:

I'm guessing you want her to ditch him so you can pick up the pieces. Call me cynical but no one in their right mind is going to advise you she should stick with him when he beats her.......and I'm sure you know that already.


Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect

When you simply things that way, yes, no girls should go back to domestic abuse. But it's not that simple is it? I'm sorry if we don't have the same values in life, and that I don't think about being her rebound. 

Instead of me telling her what I think she should do(which I have no authority to since I know nothing about him), I want to get a little more perspective from others. So that I could understand the bf maybe a little better and know what I'm talking about.

Edited October 24, 2017 by Hiro357

[Hiro357]

1 hour ago, Ruffian Dick said:

Japanese people and Thai people have different standards of integrity. Even I know that.

Would you care to elaborate? Having arrived in Thailand not too long ago. I do have many things to get used to in terms of culture. I have yet to gain deeper understanding of the Thai mentality, which to me right now, is a complete mystery.

[fishbrando]

2 hours ago, Hiro357 said:

Not a single slap in the face but, getting on top of her and beating the shit out of her kind of violence.

All the other problems pale in comparison to this.  He had the opportunity to be violent and he took it.  She should have reported him to the police.

 

In the future, how far will he go with his beating before he calms down, steps back, and says, "Oh, I shouldn't have done that?"

[Hiro357]

5 minutes ago, fishbrando said:

All the other problems pale in comparison to this.  He had the opportunity to be violent and he took it.  She should have reported him to the police.

 

In the future, how far will he go with his beating before he calms down, steps back, and says, "Oh, I shouldn't have done that?"

I once saw a BF kicking and yelling at a crying GF on the street from my hotel terrace in BKK. People walked on by as if it was nothing. So I assume domestic abuse in Thailand is common(still not OK).

He always apologized afterwards she said. I don't know exactly what happened. But I get the impression that he would not get the punishment he deserves if she reports him.

Edited October 24, 2017 by Hiro357

[Rc2702]

Just now, Hiro357 said:

Nothing is as black and white as you make it out to be. I'm sparing the details because I want to focus on solving her problems, not publicizing her life story.

Also just because there are terrible people of every country doesn't mean we can't examine the difference between them and us to help us make important life decisions.

Stick to crosswords and sudoku.

[fishbrando]

4 minutes ago, Hiro357 said:

I once saw a BF kicking and yelling at a crying GF on the street from my hotel terrace in BKK. People walked on by as if it was nothing. So I assumed domestic abuse in Thailand is common(still not OK).

He always apologized after she said. I don't know exactly what happened. But I get the impression that he would not get the punishment he deserves if she reports him.

 

In my opinion, any physical violence in a relationship should result in an immediate termination of the relationship.  

 

There should be no further consideration of pros or cons.  

 

"But he's so patient!"  He wasn't so patient when he lost face.  He's a violent bully.  No more trust. It's over.  

 

"But he's submissive and easy-going!"  He wasn't so submissive and easy-going when he was punching her.  He's a criminal.

 

"But he apologized!"  Empty words.  Look at his actions.  No second chance.

 

"But plenty of other people act just like him!"  Plenty of people are undateable.  He's below any reasonable standard.

 

Also, she should have reported him to the police to show that she's not going to help him cover up his crimes.

 

 

[Hiro357]

9 minutes ago, fishbrando said:

 

In my opinion, any physical violence in a relationship should result in an immediate termination of the relationship.  

 

There should be no further consideration of pros or cons.  

 

"But he's so patient!"  He wasn't so patient when he lost face.  He's a violent bully.  No more trust. It's over.  

 

"But he's submissive and easy-going!"  He wasn't so submissive and easy-going when he was punching her.  He's a criminal.

 

"But he apologized!"  Empty words.  Look at his actions.  No second chance.

 

"But plenty of other people act just like him!"  Plenty of people are undateable.  He's below any reasonable standard.

 

Also, she should have reported him to the police to show that she's not going to help him cover up his crimes.

 

 

I agree. Would the local police be able to help or will they side with the natives?

[Ruffian Dick]

1 hour ago, Hiro357 said:

Would you care to elaborate? Having arrived in Thailand not too long ago. I do have many things to get used to in terms of culture. I have yet to gain deeper understanding of the Thai mentality, which to me right now, is a complete mystery.

Well, Hiro, are you Japanese? Correct me if I'm wrong, but a typical Japanese person doesn't want to think of himself or herself as lazy, untruthful or unreliable. I'm not saying that most Thais are lazy or liars, but I wouldn't count on that....

Edited October 24, 2017 by Ruffian Dick

[Hiro357]

5 minutes ago, Ruffian Dick said:

Well, Hiro, are you Japanese? Correct me if I'm wrong, but a typical Japanese person doesn't want to think of himself or herself as lazy, untruthful or unreliable. I'm not saying that most Thais are lazy or liars, but I wouldn't count on that....

Yes, I'm Japanese and Caucasian. The Japanese have our shares of hypocrisy etc. But yes we do look down upon laziness and unreliability. Your answer confuses me even more now. I'm not going to judge you. But could you explain based on your own experience? Are you saying that a lot of Thais are lazy and liars? I want to know if it's just Momoko's BF or otherwise.

Edited October 24, 2017 by Hiro357

[Ruffian Dick]

I don't know Thais well enough to generalize. Sorry. I'd just say that I haven't met a Thai who is as strict about their personal integrity as Japanese.

[Hiro357]

2 minutes ago, Ruffian Dick said:

I don't know Thais well enough to generalize. Sorry. I'd just say that I haven't met a Thai who is as strict about their personal integrity as Japanese.

At first glance they do wish to give good impressions of being respectable and decent though.

[smutcakes]

You are quite clearly in love with her. Dont be a doormat and don't be friend zoned.

[MaeJoMTB]

"So the biggest concern of hers is his dishonesty."

Her biggest concern should be him  finding her and emptying a gun into her.

[jackdd]

 

8 hours ago, jenny2017 said:

[...]

That's a good post

 

6 hours ago, fishbrando said:

She should have reported him to the police.

I doubt police would do anything, violence in a relationship is "Thai culture"

And even if they did anything, what would happen? 500thb fine and a wai?

 

4 hours ago, Hiro357 said:

Are you saying that a lot of Thais are lazy and liars?

Definitely yes. But i have to clarify: Usually they lie to save face, not to deceive someone

Edited October 25, 2017 by jackdd

[impulse]

6 hours ago, Hiro357 said:

When you simply things that way, yes, no girls should go back to domestic abuse. But it's not that simple is it?

 

Yes, it is that simple.  No amount of soul searching and introspection is going to make that an acceptable situation- for any woman (or man).  In any culture.

 

[wildewillie89]

7 hours ago, Hiro357 said:

When you simply things that way, yes, no girls should go back to domestic abuse. But it's not that simple is it?

Unless the abuse is due to an external thing like alcohol, drugs, medication, and will stop when the person gets help, then yes, it is very simple. From what I see on a day to day basis here, if a woman gets beaten by her husband, the community either tell her to go to the police, the family drag her away from him, or depending on his job, she will go and make a deal to receive half his salary or he will lose his job. 

Every person has different values depending on their family circumstances, education, environment etc. No one can give advice you are looking for with extremely limited information about the pros or cons of dating a Thai man, as we do not know him or his background. This forum will paint Thai men pretty bad generally as they just hear one side of a story from their wives/gfs who will say anything to date a farang (depending also on their background). I know a lot of Thai men who fit that description, but I know more who I would happily accept even my sisters dating as they are fantastic guys. 

Edited October 25, 2017 by wildewillie89

[stevkob]

I have had relationships with both a Japanese and Thai woman and the differences are remarkable. I believe that men from these cultures would also share those differences. However stating the differences between the two cultures would require a topic dedicated to it. One thing I would say for sure is that Japanese would "usually" choose honesty in the face of confrontation but Thai's tend to say whatever they need to say to get out of the argument,,, even preferring to lie.

 

9 hours ago, Hiro357 said:

to her surprise he eventually resorted to physical violence. Not a single slap in the face but, getting on top of her and beating the shit out of her kind of violence.

The above extract from the OP surprises me. I wouldn't believe an educated intelligent Japanese woman would not accept such behavior, there has to be missing information as to why she allowed this to happen, or was that the reason they split up?

 

 

[bert bloggs]

I find the main reason for  me in not dating a Thai man is that i am not gay .Apart from that i dont really know as most of the ones i know are not to bad .

[Hiro357]

5 hours ago, MaeJoMTB said:

"So the biggest concern of hers is his dishonesty."

Her biggest concern should be him  finding her and emptying a gun into her.

Since the BF is from a somewhat respectable family with business establishments. I highly doubt it would get that ugly.

[Hiro357]

4 hours ago, jackdd said:

 

That's a good post

 

I doubt police would do anything, violence in a relationship is "Thai culture"

And even if they did anything, what would happen? 500thb fine and a wai?

 

Definitely yes. But i have to clarify: Usually they lie to save face, not to deceive someone

Thanks for voicing my concerns. Yes the reason we are not contacting the police is that we heard the local police are usually corrupted and would always side with the natives. I can't believe violence can be a "culture"!....

Is it possible that the BF lies just out of habit? She notices a consistent lying nature in all members of his family. I'm asking this because I want to understand the BF, not to bash the Thais.

[Hiro357]

3 hours ago, stevkob said:

I have had relationships with both a Japanese and Thai woman and the differences are remarkable. I believe that men from these cultures would also share those differences. However stating the differences between the two cultures would require a topic dedicated to it. One thing I would say for sure is that Japanese would "usually" choose honesty in the face of confrontation but Thai's tend to say whatever they need to say to get out of the argument,,, even preferring to lie.

 

The above extract from the OP surprises me. I wouldn't believe an educated intelligent Japanese woman would not accept such behavior, there has to be missing information as to why she allowed this to happen, or was that the reason they split up?

 

 

This IS that topic. I'm not highlighting Momoko's story here. I'm only trying to understand if what happens to her is supposed to be normal so I could help her. 

Yes, the BF's violent behaviors are unacceptable in our culture. But I'm not the one who needs convincing here(I agree with you). It's very complicated as most relationships are. Is there a way at all to make a Thai(in this case, the BF) just be honest with her, so that she could maybe see the truth and make up her mind about things once and for all?

[varun]

What is your ulterior motive in this?

If she is not your wife or girlfriend, why do you care?

 

Are you part of a love triangle? Somchai is the A, she's the B and you're the C?

 

Maybe she has daddy issues or is seriously messed up in the head.

Maybe the more he abuses her, the less inclined she will be to leave him?

 

Why do you feel obliged to interfere in her relationship?

Please don't be an idiot and just get on with your life.

Her problems should be the least of your concerns.

Edited October 25, 2017 by varun

[MaeJoMTB]

1 hour ago, Hiro357 said:

Since the BF is from a somewhat respectable family with business establishments. I highly doubt it would get that ugly.

Red Bull.

 

And

http://www.chiangmaicitylife.com/news/student-arrested-for-shooting-3-tourists-in-busy-nimmanhaemin-bar-shooter-already-out-on-bail/

Edited October 25, 2017 by MaeJoMTB