Is your Thai companion averse to questions?

[Damrongsak]

23 hours ago, worgeordie said:

Maybe once in a while you should ask your wife "Are you happy,everything OK"

I do ask my wife quite often,and we have been together for 30 years,marriage 

you have to work a it.

regards worgeordie

Oh for God's sake, why would one stir up a hornet's nest ?  In mid-October this year, I'll remind my wife that our 40th anniversary was Oct. 7th.  She'll say "Oh? ... yeah."  I usually wait a few days to see if she's paying attention. That's my baby.

[ncc1701d]

23 hours ago, Brunolem said:

There might be a misunderstanding here.

What I meant to say was, for example: I tell my wife to ask a neighbor if he can give me a hand to move something.

That, at least to me, is a yes or no kind of question.

 

Yet, once my wife starts talking with the neighbor, it is going to last for ten minutes!

Sometime, I will interrupt and say "so is it yes or no?" and she will say "wait" and go on talking with the neighbor.

 

When it's about asking for directions, the talking is so long that I have time to take a nap in the car...

 

Lol. This. For me it’s the question I’d like to ask someone that doesn’t speak English, so I ask tgf to ask them a question, tgf and Thai person chat away for quite some time. They finish and I’m waiting for an answer and I get nothing. I ask tgf what’s the answer and she looks at me blankly as though I’m mad. I used to get annoyed, now I just laugh it off. I would love to know what they had been talking about for the last few minutes - because if I hadn’t asked her to ask the question, they wouldn’t have been talking in the first place. 

 

As as for the original op, I often get an answers she thinks I want to hear. It’s taken many years of me saying “that’s not what I asked you”, for her to now answer the quesrion directly.

[smotherb]

48 minutes ago, Brunolem said:

She doesn't want to answer.

Questions really make her very uncomfortable.

 

Here is another example: I am on the phone with some local administration or company and can't get someone who speaks English, so I ask my wife to speak for me and ask the question(s) I wanted to ask.

 

You should see her face...

I have had no experience with such a situation. I have lived and worked all over the world and have always asked locals, even strangers, to translate for me if I cannot do it myself--and that includes here in Thailand. Some did a better job than others, but none refused.

 

Have you asked her why she is so averse to questions?

[rumak]

4 hours ago, AntDee said:

It seems to me there are at least a couple dimensions at play. 

 

We all know that how our wives react at any given moment is highly dependant on the overall relationship. Does my wife respect me? Did we have a fight last night? Ect. 

 

Also, are Thais, in general, averse to asking questions? Yes, probably. My observations are that they are. Not sure why, but seems they are fairly imprecise communicators even amongst themselves. And, the language also does not lend itself to precision. And, there may be a FACE element at play. 

The OP likes this answer .  Part 2 is what he would like to believe.   

He has not yet answered [art 1 :   Does your wife respect you ?

 

I am not sure what WE all know.  I do not think everyone knows that if your partner does not respect you

then there is no love.  And in MY opinion no reason at all for me to stay around.  From what I see and hear

many farangs do not share this view..... They make excuses, or whatever !  

That surely is a case for me to say :  UP TO YOU 

[rumak]

7 minutes ago, smotherb said:

I have had no experience with such a situation. I have lived and worked all over the world and have always asked locals, even strangers, to translate for me if I cannot do it myself--and that includes here in Thailand. Some did a better job than others, but none refused.

 

Have you asked her why she is so averse to questions?

i think a marriage consulor is needed for that to be answered

[smotherb]

45 minutes ago, Happyman58 said:

Look I have read what you are writing. Everybody here has the same problems. Maybe you should change your approach to things Use a bit of humor. Ok eg  My wife is on the Mobile I ask her something. No answer  So I say "Earth to the spaceship. Are you reading me? Come in space-ship. Then she looks up and starts laughing. Then it is ok you get her attention and she starts talking LOL Thais love humor. But if they see you are getting frustrated like when you were on the phone they tend to clam up and say nothing. Then it becomes a no win situation

"Everybody here has the same problems" seems a misstatement.  At least, according to what some other posters have said and it is certainly not true according to what I have seen. I have a Thai daughter-in-law and Thai friends; none of whom are adverse to answering questions. Most posters seem to attribute lack of English skills as the culprit, but the OP says that is not the case with his wife. 

[rumak]

58 minutes ago, Happyman58 said:

Look I have read what you are writing. Everybody here has the same problems. Maybe you should change your approach to things Use a bit of humor. Ok eg  My wife is on the Mobile I ask her something. No answer  So I say "Earth to the spaceship. Are you reading me? Come in space-ship. Then she looks up and starts laughing. Then it is ok you get her attention and she starts talking LOL Thais love humor. But if they see you are getting frustrated like when you were on the phone they tend to clam up and say nothing. Then it becomes a no win situation

I assure you that  I FOR ONE  do not have this problem.   No, I am not the greatest or the luckiest man alive.

Just did 2 things.   Was determined to learn Thai and spoke it a lot .   And then I eventually found someone

who acted like they wanted to be with me.     No phones, no ignoring, no disrespect....well, the list is even longer but I am sure what i have said already is enough ammunition for some nasty responses..lol

 

[zaZa9]

17 hours ago, Brunolem said:

My marriage is probably where one could expect it to be after almost 20 years, with its highs and its lows.

 

As incredible as it may seem, my initial post was really out of curiosity, and not about checking the status of my marriage.

 

From the multiple answers gathered, it would seem that we are in a fifty-fifty situation, that is, one half of the members dealing with similar issues as mine, and one half considering that my case is desperate.

That seems the case ...  you have to accept that lots here cant take anything like a light hearted post at face value as well.

 

On the subject of asking directions..

Ive had numerous Thai gfs who shuddered at the thought of asking , and even one or two who outright refused to.

Some posters here state that issues like this are NOT cultural..

Well of course they are cultural !

 Ive never had even ONE gf in the US , Australia or Mexico who would willingly stay lost over asking for directions!

Has any of you ??

 

I also think that Thai culture is not 'inquiry driven' and I think we all know that it  can be considered impolite  here to ask too many questions ... I hark back to when I first arrived and everything was so different and all I did was ask and ask.... Now I  find myself thinking , "Is this question ok to ask ?  Could asking this demonstrate a lack of sensitivity  ? Maybe I should simply wait and see ..."

 

While Im reticent to bring religion into the picture , I think that if Buddhism brought anything to the Thai it was the idealised  picture of  the monk in 'contemplative silence'. Im not saying the Thais are contemplative , but they certainly understand silence and hold it highly.

Compare the Buddhist monk to the US Evangelist ..

Go to a Thai school and see how quiet they are.

 

Others here have pointed out that school is where the Thai start learning to curtail their expression of their  thoughts and to not ask questions.

By adulthood they have had years of practise at  'wait and see' over anything else. And there is nothing interrogative about their religion ... it is about 'jai yen yen' and acceptance that things just "are".

 

So I can see why Thai ladies  can get exasperated with  our questions.

 Sometimes they simply dont know the answer. Sometimes they know the answer but are ill equipped to convey it . Sometimes they  figure we  should already know the answer. Sometimes there is NO answer.

Look at the average Farang ( male ) - Thai ( female ) couple here and Im sure the male is asking the majority of the questions.  I think that back home and in say a Australian/Australian relationship , it would be the opposite.

 

Ive certainly experienced a reaction of annoyance from some Thai gfs at my questions... sighs or shrugs being at the polite end.

And I think all of us have experienced a myriad of 'non-answer' answers whilst living here.

 

Back home , the vast majority  have an understanding of the boundaries of the  'personal question' .

Perhaps what a Thai sees as 'personal' is just far wider in scope than what we do...

[thaibeachlovers]

23 hours ago, Brunolem said:

That may be so.

Yet, I have to be sure because a separation with the wife would also probably mean a separation with the country, both being intimately linked.

Having reached the sixties, I am not sure if I am ready for a new start...we'll see...

That was the same situation that faced me. However, being alone in my own country eventually seemed a better option than being always miserable here with someone that clearly didn't love me.

Had she just not communicated with me, that would have been fine, but when it became about me having to give money to the evil sister in law, that was the final straw. The ironic thing is that had she actually been a loving, as opposed to indifferent, wife with a sister that actually cared about me as a person and not as an ATM, I'd probably have willingly helped them out.

[atyclb]

On 6/3/2018 at 12:48 PM, Bill Miller said:

I was recently trying to explain that US medical costs are roughly 10 X for the same procedure in even the high end Bangkok hospitals.

 

dental procedures are a whole different ballgame.  office price for root canal treatment 10,000 baht very normal. about 50% cost of usa price but if you add trip you lose any savings

[atyclb]

1 hour ago, zaZa9 said:

That seems the case ...  you have to accept that lots here cant take anything like a light hearted post at face value as well.

 

On the subject of asking directions..

Ive had numerous Thai gfs who shuddered at the thought of asking , and even one or two who outright refused to.

Some posters here state that issues like this are NOT cultural..

Well of course they are cultural !

 Ive never had even ONE gf in the US , Australia or Mexico who would willingly stay lost over asking for directions!

Has any of you ??

 

I also think that Thai culture is not 'inquiry driven' and I think we all know that it  can be considered impolite  here to ask too many questions ... I hark back to when I first arrived and everything was so different and all I did was ask and ask.... Now I  find myself thinking , "Is this question ok to ask ?  Could asking this demonstrate a lack of sensitivity  ? Maybe I should simply wait and see ..."

 

While Im reticent to bring religion into the picture , I think that if Buddhism brought anything to the Thai it was the idealised  picture of  the monk in 'contemplative silence'. Im not saying the Thais are contemplative , but they certainly understand silence and hold it highly.

Compare the Buddhist monk to the US Evangelist ..

Go to a Thai school and see how quiet they are.

 

Others here have pointed out that school is where the Thai start learning to curtail their expression of their  thoughts and to not ask questions.

By adulthood they have had years of practise at  'wait and see' over anything else. And there is nothing interrogative about their religion ... it is about 'jai yen yen' and acceptance that things just "are".

 

So I can see why Thai ladies  can get exasperated with  our questions.

 Sometimes they simply dont know the answer. Sometimes they know the answer but are ill equipped to convey it . Sometimes they  figure we  should already know the answer. Sometimes there is NO answer.

Look at the average Farang ( male ) - Thai ( female ) couple here and Im sure the male is asking the majority of the questions.  I think that back home and in say a Australian/Australian relationship , it would be the opposite.

 

Ive certainly experienced a reaction of annoyance from some Thai gfs at my questions... sighs or shrugs being at the polite end.

And I think all of us have experienced a myriad of 'non-answer' answers whilst living here.

 

Back home , the vast majority  have an understanding of the boundaries of the  'personal question' .

Perhaps what a Thai sees as 'personal' is just far wider in scope than what we do...

 

 

 

even the average farangs high school education in of itself allows inquiry, curiosity , debate, comparison, lateral-critical thinking but likely to have a low stress relationship they must turn off their brain.

 

lack of english skills can contribute to some degree but once you are fairly fluent in thai spoken and reading and communicate in their own language you realize it is mainly intellectual impairment or non development

Edited June 4, 2018 by atyclb

[rumak]

That seems the case ...  you have to accept that lots here cant take anything like a light hearted post at face value as well.

 

i think that lots here did not read the original post as "light hearted".  

OP SAYS : 

Yet, if she doesn't like the question, for whatever unknown reason, the answer is more brutal.

Q: are you going to visit your friend later today?

A: why do you ask? this is not your business!              OK, maybe i think too mutt but in my world that is not a light hearted  exchange.    I think i would pack a few things and calmly walk out the door.   If she asked me where i was going i would just say......to buy some cigarrets.   (no i do not smoke, but in thai culture it would be very impolite of her to point that out)       my loss of face and all.....      

[rumak]

21 minutes ago, atyclb said:

even the average farangs high school education in of itself allows inquiry, curiosity , debate, comparison, lateral-critical thinking .......

and.........arrogance, confrontational behaviour,  defensiveness,  argumentative,  delusions of superiority, expectations of entitlement      

[rumak]

Brunolem:    well, now you say you've been together 20 years !  and your thai must be ok if you understand "kee nok"   lol     

Time takes its toll on all of us.............hope you can find a spark again and enjoy your golden years

[mugaly]

2 hours ago, smotherb said:

 

Have you asked her why she is so averse to questions?

Priceless!

[mugaly]

3 hours ago, CanuckThai said:

I think some Thai women are frightened of situations, where they may lose face in a non-Thai speaking crowd.

 

I experienced a situation a few months ago that was interesting.  I met a farang and his Thai girlfriend a the local market, my wife knew the man's girlfriend, I had never met the farang before.   He was from Canada, so we struck up an enjoyable casual conversation about current events going on back home, and different places we had experienced here .  Simple.  My wife enjoyed the conversation, and was actively participating.  The Thai girlfriend (who could speak some english), petered off somewhere while we chatted...   

Found out later, from my wife (and later by the farang), that the Thai girlfriend thought we were talking (gossiping) about her, and  dumped the farang to save face, thinking he now knew her colorful history.  

That's your lady's story.  Would like to hear the other lady's version of events.

Edited June 4, 2018 by mugaly

[Brunolem]

2 hours ago, smotherb said:

 

Have you asked her why she is so averse to questions?

That would be a question, wouldn't it?

 

You want to send me in troubled waters?

[Pat in Pattaya]

You sound like a right old minge mate, little wonder she doesn't like you.

 

Have you tried mumsnet?

[Brunolem]

2 hours ago, zaZa9 said:

asking , and even one or two who out

 

I also think that Thai culture is not 'inquiry driven' 

 

While Im reticent to bring religion into the picture , I think that if Buddhism brought anything to the Thai it was the idealised  picture of  the monk in 'contemplative silence'. 

I appreciate your post and just want to add something about the two issues selected above.

 

To say that Thai culture in not inquiry driven is an understatement!

I would even say that this is true for most of East Asia.

The lack of major scientific discoveries, not to mention Nobel prizes and the likes, is there to testify of that.

 

As far as Buddhism is concerned, I mean the real thing, not the local shamanism, it is in fact a mix of silence (meditation) interrupted by short periods of Q & A.

Buddhist literature is in fact full of these games of questions and answers, the laypersons asking the questions to the Buddha himself, or to his monks.

And these questions are not trivial, not to mention the answers!

I can hardly imagine the average Thais, both laypersons and monks, engaging in such high level games...

[notmyself]

40 minutes ago, atyclb said:

even the average farangs high school education in of itself allows inquiry, curiosity , debate, comparison, lateral-critical thinking but likely to have a low stress relationship they must turn off their brain.

 

lack of english skills can contribute to some degree but once you are fairly fluent in thai spoken and reading and communicate in their own language you realize it is mainly intellectual impairment or non development

 

The average high school education, on the assumption it is finished, would equate to somewhere between an average degree and a masters at best..... anyway.

 

Your second point is highly accurate in my view. When I first came in '99 I fell in love with the place and worked quite hard to learn the language until I was at least able to get the gist of what most people were saying to me which also resulted in being able to get the gist of what people/ groups of others were talking about. It was apparent that what I considered to be a language barrier/ wall was an issue but that it was one small facet of a much larger problem. To put this another way, when someone says something like 'Sorry, my English is bad or not good', it is not their command of language that is the issue. As I mentioned much earlier in this thread, inquisitiveness (inquiry, curiosity ...) is frowned upon and as often reported, literally beaten out of children at a young ago. That, along with the preferred rote system of learning creates little more than automatons from what would otherwise be a fine body of people.

 

I think I've said enough at present.

 

 

[atyclb]

52 minutes ago, rumak said:

1 hour ago, atyclb said:

even the average farangs high school education in of itself allows inquiry, curiosity , debate, comparison, lateral-critical thinking .......

and.........arrogance, confrontational behaviour,  defensiveness,  argumentative,  delusions of superiority, expectations of entitlement 

 

 

seems you fit in the "benefit from turning brain off" category

[Brunolem]

3 hours ago, rumak said:

The OP likes this answer .  Part 2 is what he would like to believe.   

He has not yet answered [art 1 :   Does your wife respect you ?

 

I am not sure what WE all know.  I do not think everyone knows that if your partner does not respect you

then there is no love.  And in MY opinion no reason at all for me to stay around.  From what I see and hear

many farangs do not share this view..... They make excuses, or whatever !  

That surely is a case for me to say :  UP TO YOU 

The "respect" you get from your wife is very closely related to your financial situation and how she benefits from it!

 

Having a farang husband is generally seen as a trophy and the wife needs to have something to show for it.

 

If you say to your wife "darling, why don't we go see this new car that you like so much", you can prepare yourself for some serious acrobatics in the bed!

 

Now, if you say to her "sorry, I just lost my job and we are going to have to cut on spending for the time being"...well you are going to discover how deeply she really cares about you...

[Brunolem]

1 hour ago, rumak said:

 OK, maybe i think too mutt but in my world that is not a light hearted  exchange.    I think i would pack a few things and calmly walk out the door.   If she asked me where i was going i would just say......to buy some cigarrets.   (no i do not smoke, but in thai culture it would be very impolite of her to point that out)       my loss of face and all.....      

Packing your suitcase for a dismissive answer from your wife may be a bit of an overreaction, don't you think?

Some would call that being thin-skinned, as opposed to my resistant Buddhist skin.

 

Seriously, all marriages have their highs and lows...for better and for worse is what you get into!

[mugaly]

7 minutes ago, Brunolem said:

all marriages have their highs and lows...for better and for worse

Not quite true.  It is usually for "worse and for worser"

[shy coconut]

21 hours ago, Brunolem said:

No bait here,  just a regular comment.

 

Thailand may be number one for education spending, but then it doesn't get a good return on its money.

 

Thailand constantly ranks last or close to last in inter Asean student competitions, especially in English where it somehow manages to finish behind powerhouses such as Burma or Laos!

 

On top of that, students IQ below 100 in universities, and below 90 in high schools are the worrying measured average...needless to say that these numbers are quickly pushed under the rug until next time...

Well there's your answer then. Your wife is thick because of the Thai education system.

I'm guessing that you have hinted at this to her, leading to her ignoring your questions.

 

If you are so interlectually superior, then you would speak enough Thai to ask directions, or ask the

local monk what his plans are without using your wife as an interpreter.

[atyclb]

7 minutes ago, shy coconut said:

22 hours ago, Brunolem said:

No bait here,  just a regular comment.

 

Thailand may be number one for education spending, but then it doesn't get a good return on its money.

 

Thailand constantly ranks last or close to last in inter Asean student competitions, especially in English where it somehow manages to finish behind powerhouses such as Burma or Laos!

 

On top of that, students IQ below 100 in universities, and below 90 in high schools are the worrying measured average...needless to say that these numbers are quickly pushed under the rug until next time...

Well there's your answer then. Your wife is thick because of the Thai education system.

I'm guessing that you have hinted at this to her, leading to her ignoring your questions.

 

If you are so interlectually superior, then you would speak enough Thai to ask directions, or ask the

local monk what his plans are without using your wife as an interpreter.

 

 

his post does not comment on his own personal intellect level, it states known facts-statistics not even to mention their horrendous O Net scores the average of which they cannot even pass the thai language subject.

[Brunolem]

5 minutes ago, shy coconut said:

Well there's your answer then. Your wife is thick because of the Thai education system.

I'm guessing that you have hinted at this to her, leading to her ignoring your questions.

 

If you are so interlectually superior, then you would speak enough Thai to ask directions, or ask the

local monk what his plans are without using your wife as an interpreter.

I speak, read and write some Thai, but I have a lot of difficulties to understand it when they speak.

As soon as you speak a few words of Thai, most locals somehow believe that you are fluent and start talking to you as if you were Thai!

 

Things are even more complicated here is Isaan, where people speak...well, Isaan, which is for some parts a completely different language.

For example, in Thai a white foreigner is called "farang" as we know all too well, but in Isaan it is called "boksiida"...not exactly the same...

And despite my intellectual capacities, I am not ready to add Isaan to my list of languages to learn...

[atyclb]

31 minutes ago, mugaly said:

39 minutes ago, Brunolem said:

all marriages have their highs and lows...for better and for worse

Not quite true.  It is usually for "worse and for worser"

 

 

lmao

thats why i am single. 

 

thats why 4 1/2 hours flight to bali and many nice japanese surfer girls to hang out with. they dont need an umbrella on the beach, they dont need your money and the brain simply "works"

[Bill Miller]

3 hours ago, atyclb said:

 

dental procedures are a whole different ballgame.  office price for root canal treatment 10,000 baht very normal. about 50% cost of usa price but if you add trip you lose any savings

No trip cost. I live here. ?

[smotherb]

2 hours ago, Brunolem said:

That would be a question, wouldn't it?

 

You want to send me in troubled waters?

You think I am the one sending you to troubled waters. Sounds like you have managed that.