4 Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??'' The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!'' ''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.'' The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face. ''What was that for?'' asked the passenger. ''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a bitch would have tried that crap with me!'''

One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog. When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves. So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food. One week later, she went to get some cat food. Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat. So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food. Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something . She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them. When the cashier did, he said, "It smells like poop!" The old lady replied, "Can I buy some toilet paper now?"

The elderly man told his wife he was going to sign up for social security. She says, 'You can't do that, you lost your birth certificate.'

He says, 'Oh I'll talk them into it.' So when he returns the next day, he is all smiles and says, 'I'm all signed up and no problems.' '

Well, how did you do that?' she asks.

He replies, 'I took off my shirt and showed her all the gray hair on my chest, and showed her all the gray hair on my head.'

The wife states, 'Well, why didn't you drop your pants, we could have gotten disability.'