Military Jokes

[farangsay]

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised

new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI

insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was

having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly

100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this,

the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales

pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and

then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the

government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't

have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only

has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send

into battle first?"

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British Military Officer Fitness Reports

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used

for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are

actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been,

but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change

whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire

satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around

at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then

he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to

port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve

them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a

trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure

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There's a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands,

a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands,

and an Air Force guy who's driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets.

In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each

other and all cars go flying off in different directions. The squid manages

to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy

just shakes his head and says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The ARMY guy

thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right!

We should be friends."

The Air Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the NAVY and Army guys, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Swabbie says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle the Squid hands it to the ARMY guy and says, "Your turn! The ARMY guy sucks down a third and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy.

The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

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A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom. The

marine finishes first and washes his hands. The sailor just walks

to the exit. So the marine says to him: "hey, in the marines they

teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss". The sailor says:

"yeah well, in the navy they teach us to not piss on our hands".