Worst Joke Ever 2024

[scottiejohn]

4 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

I recently received a toilet brush as a gift !!

For goodness sake don't get it mixed up with your toothbrush!

[vogie]

4 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

I recently received a toilet brush as a gift !!

Long story short, am going back to toilet paper !!

Since when have they been using toilet paper in Yorkshire?

 

[scottiejohn]

5 minutes ago, vogie said:

Since when have they been using toilet paper in Yorkshire?

Since when did they learn to read or buy newspapers, unless there were fish and chips in them, in Yorkshire?

 

PS;  Why would they need a toilet brush in an outside toilet with just a bucket to sluice out?

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A woman went to the doctor's complaining of a total lack of energy. After being examined, he told her she was on the edge of a nervous breakdown and should give up cigarettes, gin and sex for 3 months. But after a week, the woman returned saying she was even closer to a breakdown if she couldn't smoke." 
"OK, have 5 cigarettes a day." 
Another week went by and she returned saying she missed her glass of gin so much, it helped to relax her. 
"OK, just one glass a day," said the doctor. 
Two weeks later she returned again and before she could say anything, the doctor quickly interrupted. 
"OK, OK, but only with your husband --

there must be no excitement." 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

"Are you happy, darling?" asks the man after six months of marriage. 
"Of course, I'm very happy," she replies. 
"But there is something that bothers you, isn't there?" he persists. 
"Well...er...it's just that you're always picking your nose and you're always on top when we make love." 
"Let me explain," he says. "When I was growing up, my father used to say to me quite often,

'Whatever you do, keep your nose clean and don't screw up anything.' " 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Coming home from work earlier than planned, the husband found his wife in the kitchen, bending over the oven. She looked so desirable, he immediately dropped his trousers and took her from behind. After it was finished, he gave her a sharp smack on the bum. 
"What the bloody hell was that for?" she raged. 

"That was because you didn't look round to see who it was," 
he exclaimed. 

[scottiejohn]

[billd766]

3 hours ago, vogie said:

Since when have they been using toilet paper in Yorkshire?

 

The memories that the photo brought back. It used to improve my reading skills as a young boy.

[faraday]

49 minutes ago, billd766 said:

The memories that the photo brought back. It used to improve my reading skills as a young boy.

We were posh, being from the South....

 

Still remember that medicated smell....

 

 

[faraday]

Then there was this....

 

 

[Andrew Dwyer]

You guys have left me with no options other than:

[Andrew Dwyer]

This goes for anyone outside of Yorkshire

[Andrew Dwyer]

You Scots couldn’t go through with it but we will:

[Andrew Dwyer]

On a lighter note:

[chickenslegs]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[chickenslegs]

Patient goes into the doctors and says "Doctor I can't stop singing 'The green green grass of home'".

Doctor: "Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome".

Patient: "Is it common?".

Doctor: "It's not unusual...."

 

Hey! This is the "Worst Joke Ever" thread.

[chickenslegs]

Two lumps of vomit walking down the road, one stops, with tears in his eyes.

The second one says "What's the matter mate?"

He replied, "i was brought up round here."

[Andrew Dwyer]

Patient goes into the doctors and says "Doctor I can't stop singing 'The green green grass of home'".
Doctor: "Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome".
Patient: "Is it common?".
Doctor: "It's not unusual...."
 
Hey! This is the "Worst Joke Ever" thread.

Then please release me !!

[chickenslegs]

There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those that understand Binary and those that don't!

 

Two antennae got married. The wedding was bad, but the reception was brilliant

 

A man walks into a bar and orders a double entendre, so the barmaid gives him one!
 

A man went to a fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back. "What have you come as then?" asked his friend. "A snail" he replied. "How can you be a snail, all you've got is that girl on your back." "That's not just a girl, that's Michelle!"

 

Boris Johnson visits Glasgow hospital, and he's shown around.

In one ward, one patient says to him, "My lurve is leek a rade rade rose..".

The next patient says to him "Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!".

BJ says to his guide: " Is this the psychiatric ward?".

Guide says: "Nope.. It's the serious Burns unit..."

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

[scottiejohn]

14 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

BJ says to his guide: " Is this the psychiatric ward?".

Guide says: "Nope..

their just all well plastered!

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[chickenslegs]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play-ground and go into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a 'Passionate Embrace'.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the seat, then Daddy.."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story, so Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and... "...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."