Worst Joke Ever 2024

[ballpoint]

I told my wife, “I think Worcestershire Sauce is my favourite condiment.”

Her: Why?

Me: It’s hard to say.

[ballpoint]

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.

When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?" "You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".

Surprised, the pope follows up with: "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"

The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize. "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"

The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"

The alien says "Yea, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?"
 

[ballpoint]

I got fired from my job in the BDSM dungeon.

I was hoping to just be suspended for a while.

[scottiejohn]

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

 

Only if it comes in a box.

Some of the ones I have screwed around with should have been in a box!

[scottiejohn]

Trump dies and goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

 

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

 

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in, swimming to the bottom and then resurfacing, over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" said Trump. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor, with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky... doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this!”

 

The Devil smiled and said,

"Monica, you're free to go!"

[scottiejohn]

What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common?

Both say "insert bill here"

 

PS;  Why did Monica become a republican

The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth!

[scottiejohn]

This is the real story of how Monica and Bill started their relationship;
Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?
She says "sure" and goes in there with him. 
Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.

Monica says "That's not a clock".

To which Bill replies 

"It is if you put two hands and a face on it".

[scottiejohn]

A man died & went to Heaven.

As he stood in front of The Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter.
He asked: "what are all those clocks?"
St. Peter replied: "Why, those are the lie clocks people on earth.

Everyone on earth has one. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
The man: "Oh, interesting. Who's clock is that?" he asked, pointing.
St. Peter: "THAT belongs to Mother Theresa. The hands have never moved."
The man: "Incredible, & who's is that one?" pointing at another.
St. Peter: "THAT one, belongs to Abraham Lincoln. The hands have moved ONLY TWICE."
The man: "Where's Donald Trump's clock?"

St. Peter: Oh, we sent that to Satan, so he could use it as a ceiling fan."

[scottiejohn]

An airplane's propeller is just a big fan, and its purpose is to keep the pilot's cool.

Need proof?

Watch how much they "sweat" when it stops spinning!

[xtrnuno41]

 

[xtrnuno41]

 

[Crossy]

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra-large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

[Crossy]

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.

 

The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man, the second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland.

 

After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

 

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.

Again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

 

The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet. "Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

 

The first woman then asked, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Mount Isa lady.

 

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "What on earth could they teach you?"

The Mount Isa lady responded, "Well as an example... Instead of saying,

'Who gives a F***?' I learned to say, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

[Crossy]

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[roo860]

[roo860]

[ravip]

[Zyxel]

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on

the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and

brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

He says, "Put it between your legs."

She says, "What about the smell?"

He says, "Hold its nose."

[Zyxel]

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