Worst Joke Ever 2024

[ballpoint]

9 hours ago, still kicking said:

That's Aussie cars for you. 

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[VocalNeal]

10 hours ago, still kicking said:

Only two states to be in.

 

Queensland 

Pissed

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[roo860]

Never knew they had snow in Mississippi!

[VocalNeal]

Gammaglobulin's bread has started to taste like cheap supermarket cake.

 

I think that is the yeast of his problems????

Edited July 28, 2023 by VocalNeal

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

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[Zyxel]

[scottiejohn]

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

You just couldn't resist posting that lot could you. I hope you feel fully charged now!

[scottiejohn]

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Is there a cure for your hammy posts?

[scottiejohn]

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner…..
After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her friend asked her, 'Why did you cut off the end of the ham'?
And she replied , 'I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.'

Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, 'I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it.'

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, 'Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?'

Her grandmother replied,

'Well dear, otherwise it would never fit into my small baking tray and oven.'

[scottiejohn]

I’ve decided to launch a brand new app exclusively for Palaeontologists to find the right partner.
I’m going to call it ‘Carbon Dating’

along with the slogan

"come here to get your rocks off"!

[scottiejohn]

A young man called Peter wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart
.
As they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the Peter got the panties. Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

 

"Dear Maria, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove."

 

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact, she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them.

I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night."

All my love Peter

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing

[scottiejohn]

The Definition of Politics
A Russian Jew successfully secured relocation to Israel.

At the Moscow airport, when conducting a search of his belongings, the customs official found a statue in his case. He asked the traveler:

‘What is this?’

The traveler replied:

‘That is the wrong question, comrade. You should have asked WHO this is. This is a statue of our great comrade Lenin which I am taking with me as a reminder of his contribution to our great country.’

The customs official let the traveller go on his way and when he arrived at the Tel Aviv airport, the customs official there asked the same regarding the statue.

The traveler replied:

‘That is the wrong question, sir. You should have asked WHO this is. This is that bastard Lenin who persecuted me for being Jewish and forced me to leave my country. I carry this statue as a reminder to curse him every day.’

The Tel Aviv official nodded and let him on his way.

Once the traveller was settled into his new home, he invited friends and family over for a house warming. When they arrived, one of his cousins spotted the statue on the mantle and asked:

‘Brother, who is this?’

The traveller replied:

‘That is the wrong question, my brother. You should have asked WHAT this is. This is 5 kg of pure gold which I managed to smuggle out of Russia with very little trouble.’

 

Moral of the story; Politics is being able to answer the same question in different ways and still coming out richer for it.

[scottiejohn]

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...
When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket protector, etc. But something seemed off. He seemed really, really sad. I shrugged it off as he showed me to my table.

When I get to my table a waitress in glasses brings me a menu to look at. She hardly says anything to me. She actually seems even *more* depressed than the first guy!

After perusing the "main menu" I decide to have the fish and microchips. A waiter comes back to take my order. He's barely listening to me. He sobs as she writes down my order, then storms away in tears. What was that all about?

Anyway 25 minutes goes by and no food arrives. 45 minutes goes by and no food arrives. An HOUR goes by and there's no food nor a waiter in sight. Finally the manager walk by me and I grab is arm for answers.

"Hey, man! What the hell is going on? I've been waiting here an hour already! Where the hell is my food and why are all your staff so upset?!"

The manager replies,

 

"I'm so very sorry, sir. All of our servers are down."

[scottiejohn]

An elementary school teacher was meeting her new class
She pointed to one student and asked "What does your father do for a living?"

The boy said "My father's a magician! He has a new act that ends with sawing people in half."

"That's wonderful!" said the teacher. "And do you have any siblings?"

 

"Yes," said the boy- "I have a half brother and a half sister."

[ballpoint]

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

You just couldn't resist posting that lot could you. I hope you feel fully charged now!

You have potential. You'd do well on the comedy circuit.

[ballpoint]

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

Is there a cure for your hammy posts?

I ham what I ham.

[scottiejohn]

3 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I ham what I ham.

As long as you can still cut the mustard!

[scottiejohn]

8 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

You have potential. You'd do well on the comedy circuit.

You must be joking! I'm too grounded to do that!

[roo860]

[roo860]