Worst Joke Ever 2024

[Beachcomber]

Something Fishy

I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. 

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery!

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Worms

4 worms were placed in separate test tubes:

1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

the next day, the teacher shows the results:

the 1st worm in beer, dead
the 2nd worm in wine, dead
the 3rd worm in whiskey, dead
the 4th worm in mineral water, alive & healthy

the teacher asks the class:
"what do we learn from this experience?"

little Johnny responds:
"whoever drinks beer, wine or whiskey does not have worms"
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BOSS

My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
------------------------------------------------------------

????

[Andrew Dwyer]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

When long time boring bachelor Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died in a few weeks time, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So immediately he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. 
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. 

 

Three days later, she became his stepmother.
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

I've been to a lot of places but I've never been in cahoots. 
Apparently you can't go alone, you have to be in cahoots with someone. 
I've also never been incognito, either. I hear nobody recognizes you there. 
I have, however, been insane. They don't have an airport. You have to be driven there. I have made several trips but I am still all in one place!. 

[scottiejohn]

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
The stables have turned.  (into garages)

 

"Got so high last night we searched for my friend for half an hour while he helped us look" 

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[scottiejohn]

Re the above post!!!

 

WHAT AM I

It goes in dry and comes out wet.

The longer it's in the stronger it gets

It comes out dripping.

And it starts to sag.

Its not what you think!

 

its only a Tea bag.

 

 

[Andrew Dwyer]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[scottiejohn]

[ballpoint]

The owner of the sawmill was a right bastard, so, after a terrible accident when one of the workers gets killed, all the others are surprised when he insists on being the one to go and tell the wife.  When he comes back he's carrying a case of beer.

"That's right nice of you, to be thinking of us after such a tragedy" says one of the men.

"They're not for you lot", snaps the boss.

"Where did they come from then?"

"I knocked on the door and asked 'are you the widow Smith?'  'My name's Smith', she said, but I'm not a widow'  'Bet you a case of beer you are!' says I".

 

[CharlieH]

This is what is needed......

       

Criiinnge

[scottiejohn]

24 minutes ago, CharlieH said:

This is what is needed..

Ah So, Make it so!  (please)

 

PS;  Is there a prize for the first winner?

Edited April 12, 2019 by scottiejohn
ps added

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North| America.
MARIA:    Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:    Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:    You told me to do it without using tables. 

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN:    K-R-O-K-O-D-l-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

 

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:    H IJ K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking a bout? 
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:    Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:    Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. 

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.. 
MILLIE:    I    is..
TEACHER: No, Millie    Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:    All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

 

 

 

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

I used to smoke pot and go to class.
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse.
Slink down low at my desk and pray to god nobody asked me any questions. 
I was still voted best teacher in the school by the kids though.
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
'What's wrong with him?' he asks his assistant 
'He came in for some cough syrup,' the assistant' explains. 'But I couldn't find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.'
'What!' the chemist says, horrified. 'You can't treat a cough with laxatives!'
'Of course you can,' the assistant declares. 'Look at him - he's far too scared to cough.' 

Edited April 12, 2019 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[ballpoint]

I hate those budget airlines where they don't assign you a seat and its a race to get a decent one.  One time I managed to be first in the queue, and got the best seat, right at the front.  As I was sitting back relaxing, this pushy little fella comes up and says

"That's my seat!"

"Sod off, I was here first", says I.

"Look mate, I'm telling you, you're in my seat" he says again.

"Go and find another one, 'cos I aint moving!" I said.

"Alright.  Fly the bloody plane yourself then" he said as he left.

[ballpoint]

7 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Ah So, Make it so!  (please)

 

PS;  Is there a prize for the first winner?

[ballpoint]

A new fertiliser salesman visits a farm and is intrigued to see a three legged pig running about the yard.

"What's with the pig?" he asks the farmer.

"That be a roight special pig.  Why, one time the missus were feeding the ducks and fell into the pond.  That pig, he come running up from nowhere, dived in and rescued her.  Then there was the time the kitchen stove caught fire when we were in bed one night.  That pig, he broke down the door, come up the stairs and woke us up with his squealing so we could put it out before it spread any further.  And another occasion, some men broke into the shed one night and were about to take the tractor.  That pig, he come up behind them and bit one so hard that he left a trail of blood as they ran away.  Aye, that be one roight special pig."

"But why's it only got three legs?"

"Well, a pig that special, you don't want to go eating it all at once!".