28 minutes ago, roo860 said:

“ up here for singing down here for ....... oh maybe not “ ????

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
 
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice..  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink...  He proceeded to talk up a storm.

 

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1)  Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2)  There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3)  There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4)  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5)  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a55.

6)  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7)  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.  David slew Goliath; he did not kick the 5hit out of him..

9)  When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a55.

10)  We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)  When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body."   He did not say, "Eat me."

12)  The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13)  The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)  Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
 

Mr. Johnson joined a bowling team. "We meet at 8:00 every Saturday morning," said the captain. "Okay," said Mr. Johnson, "but I might be five minutes late for the first game."

That Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a turkey with his right hand. When he left the bowling alley, he said, "Next week, I might be five minutes late."

The next Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a six-pack with his left hand. When he left the bowling alley, he said, "Next week, I might be five minutes late."

The next Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled nine strikes in a row with his left hand. When he left the bowling alley, he said, "Next week, I might be five minutes late."

The next Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a perfect game with his right hand.

Just as Mr. Johnson was about to leave the bowling alley, the captain stopped him. "Mr. Johnson," he said, "at your first game, you bowled right-handed. Then you bowled left-handed. Then you bowled left-handed again. Now you are bowling right-handed. What's up with that?"

"I have a system that gives me variety in my life," said Mr. Johnson. "If I wake up and my wife's legs are pointing to the right, then I bowl and do everything right-handed. If her legs are pointing to the left, I bowl and do things left-handed."

"A very good system," thought the captain. Then he realized something. "Wait a minute," he said. "What if one of her legs is pointing in each direction?"

"Well," said Mr. Johnson with a sly grin, "then I'm five minutes late!"

I went to a dyslexic rave last night.

Everyone was taking F’s and there was a guy in the corner trying to inject a heron.

One day a man who had just gone through a very bitter divorce was walking on the beach. He notices something glittering in the sand and digs it out and holds it up. It appeared to be a gold, antique teapot. He rubbed it with his sleeve to brush the sand off and suddenly in a puff of smoke, a genie appeared. As the man gaped in astonishment, the genie told him "Since you have summoned me, I will grant you three wishes. One warning though: Anything you wish for, your ex will get twice as much".

Getting over his astonishment quickly, the man decided to make the most of it. "Okay, for my first wish, I want £10 million". The genie snaps his fingers and says "done", and immediately the man pulls out his cell phone and calls his bank, who confirms he has a £10 million balance in his account. Meanwhile, his ex has decided to go on a shopping spree with her unexpected windfall of £20 million dollars.

The man then makes his next wish. "I wish I had a Lamborghini". The genie snaps his fingers and says "done" and a brand-new Lamborghini appears. Meanwhile his ex is astonished when she finds two gorgeous Lamborghini at her house when she arrives home from her shopping trip.

"You have one wish left" said the genie. "What will it be?"

 

 

The man  smiles. "I wish to donate one of my kidneys".

Paddy and Mick get jobs at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey <deleted> put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

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I will never forget my first dog. He had no back legs, and steel balls.

I really miss old sparky!

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam in London on the Hammersmith flyover. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.  We're going from car to car collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
"About a gallon".

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Some socialising is still allowed in Wales

A Cop Pulls a Little Old Lady Over for Speeding
Cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her licence and registration. When she pulls out her wallet, he sees a handgun in her purse.

"Ma'am, is that a gun in your purse?"

"Yes, Officer, it's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver."

"Please place that purse on the passenger seat, Ma'am, and don't make any sudden moves towards it. Do you have any other weapons I should know about?"

"Well, there's a Colt 1911 automatic in the glove compartment..."

"Okay, let's stay away from that side of the car. Anything else?"

"I got a .22 Derringer in my bra, but it's just a little peashooter. Wouldn't hurt a fly."

The cop sighs, and asks, "Do you have any other weapons on you?"

"What do you mean by 'on me'?"

"Ma'am, do you have any other weapons? Just tell me."

"Okay, there's a Mossberg 12 gauge pump action and an AK-47 in the trunk."

The cop pauses for a moment. "Ma'am, you have a revolver, a derringer, an automatic pistol, a shotgun, and an assault rifle, What are you so afraid of?"

"Not a goddamn thing."

An English professor wrote on the board: A woman without her man is nothing.

The class was then asked to punctuate the sentence.

 

The men wrote:

"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

 

The women wrote:

"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

5 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I will never forget my first dog. He had no back legs, and steel balls.

I really miss old sparky!

My first dog had no back legs either, I called him Woodbine.

Every day I would take him out for a drag !!

 

You can categorise a woman by the shoes she wears.

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