Worst Joke Ever 2024

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

3 blondes are walking in the forest when they come across some tracks.

"Deer Tracks!" exclaims the first one.

"No, no, no, those are bear tracks!" said the second.

The third one got hit by the train.

[ballpoint]

[ravip]

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

 

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman, and then my dog bit me. So, I come to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve, and then you show up and drink the whole thing!

 

But enough about me, how's your day going?”

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

[ravip]

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve.

He would complain about everything. One day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

 

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.

 

The minister asked "Why are you shaking your head 'yes' for men and 'no' for women?"

 

Her response was, "The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, 'Yes, I'll be alright.' When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule is for sale...."

[ravip]

An 8 year old girl went to work with her father on 'Take your kid to work day'
As they where walking around the office the young girl started to cry. Her father asked what was wrong. As a crowd gathered around her she sobbed ''Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

[Hamus Yaigh]

[Hamus Yaigh]

I got talking to a lumberjack online. He seemed like a decent feller...

[ravip]

What's the difference between a Taliban fighter and an Afghan child?
Don't ask me, I just pilot the drone.

[ravip]

The difference between a man and a woman's friends.

A wife did not come home one night and the next day the husband was furious. She swore she spent the night at a girlfriend's house.

 

The husband called 10 of his wife's closest friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

 

To get her back he did not come home the next night. The next day his wife met him at the door furious at him. He swore he spent the night at his buddy's house.

 

She called 10 of his closest friends. 8 of them confirmed that he spent the night at their house, two of them swore that he was still there sound asleep.

[roo860]

[ravip]

Two beggars are asking for coins in the street of a small Italian town...

One of them has a big cross necklace and the other one has a big Star of David necklace.

The man with the Star of David necklace has an empty cup while the one with the cross has a cup that’s overflowing with change.

 

Some nice passer-by stops next to the Jewish man and whispers “sir, with all due respect, hide your necklace... this is a very Catholic town, people would give more money to the guy with the cross just to spite you”.

 

The man with the star leans into his friend with the cross and tells him “Moishe this guy is trying to tell us how to run a business”.

[ravip]

A frog walks into a bank...

He approaches a counter where he speaks to a Mrs. P. Whack

"May I take out a loan?" Asks the frog politely

"Well I don't quite know, you're a frog." Mrs. Whack responds somewhat puzzled

"Well- I uh, want a loan." The frog says unamused by Mrs. Whack's response

Into which she replies "well, may I get a name?"

"Kermit" the frog says with a sigh knowing what's to come.

"Why, you're no Kermit the frog!" Mrs. Whack says unamused

Kermit, with a look of irritability on their face says "no, no, no, I was named after him, the name is Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger and my mother is a frog. He f'd  a frog, and I'm his child... you see? Well anyways I want a loan for a lily pad in a new neighbourhood."

Mrs. Whack with a shocked expression proceeded to state "well I am still quite unsure as to whether or not you can have one, do you by chance have any Collateral?"

"Well I have this" Kermit then proceeds to reach into his pocket withdrawing a pink glass miniature of an elephant. "This is my collateral" Kermit says.

Mrs. P. Whack grabbing the elephant from Kermit tells him "I do not think this is much collateral but I will do my best to talk to the manager." She then gets up and walks into the managers office.

"Excuse me sir" Mrs. Whack says quite troubled "there's a frog out there that goes by a Mr. Kermit Jagger, he is requesting a loan but when asked for collateral he gave me this damn thing. What do you suppose we make out of it?"

The manager responding to her says

"Its a Nick Nack Patty Whack. Now give the frog a loan! his old man is a rolling stone!"

Mrs. Whack annoyed by this proceeds to service Mr. Kermit Jagger accordingly

[ravip]

[fangless]

5 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I promised my friend a picture of a nice pair of bouncing boobies.  I don't know why he's not talking to me now.

He probably feels like a right tit now!

[roo860]

[ravip]

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an <deleted>. 
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.  
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)  
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.  
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 
13. Glibido: All talk and no action. 
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.  
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. 

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.  
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.  
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.  
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent. 
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.  
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.  
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.  
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist. 
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.  
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[Pilotman]

7 hours ago, Hamus Yaigh said:

so true

[ravip]

So I was reading the obituaries the other day, and I'm really concerned.
People are dying in alphabetical order.

---

How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard.

---

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."
I said, "Tell him, he's darn good. I don't have any kids”

[fangless]

32 minutes ago, ravip said:

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Isn't that a little bit below the belt?

 

[sanuk711]

.

[fangless]

8 hours ago, ballpoint said:

What a cracking idea!

I wonder if the front lawn is manscaped or just bushy?

[fangless]

[fangless]

My thoughts entirely;

 

[fangless]

[fangless]

[fangless]

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is it just me but just what message are they trying to convey?

Edited February 3, 2021 by fangless